Relationship with ADHD-ers in Denial | ADHD Information

I have ADHD (Lite I've heard--but only due to massive work at self improvement non-stop), well managed and work so hard at managing it that it's second nature, so much work at self discipline as best as I possibly can, always seeking self improvement, to continually strive to better my short comings as best as I can, etc. for the most part, at this point, but I'm still an ADD human being. Anyhoo, I was having a very passionate and intense love affair with a man I fell in love with for well over a year who absolutely has ADHD but lives in denial. He's pretty much text book ADHD to the "T".

The reason he seemed to appeal to me even more so to even want to start getting involved with him on a more personal level was because he PRETENDED or seemed to be talking alot about taking more responsibility for himself and working on a lot of SELF IMPROVEMENT. That was what turned me on and wanted me to seek further possibilities with him--but just hot air and all talk, probably due to good intentions but focus problems and such. Anyhoo, I just couldn't take it any more and he continually did everything he could, mostly due to ADHD behavior, to wreck everything and I just didn't want to go back for more since he not only lived in denial but refused to often think he was wrong about most anything AND often FAILED to take responsibility for his own actions (yet more immaturity). Time and time again so many situations we discussed turned out to be how I told him it would be but never in the end would I say, "I TOLD YA' SO!!!!" Anyway, he seems to look for short cuts in life or the easy way out. Anything not involving indepth detail, discipline, or bettering his business skills; too much effort. Oh, and let's not forget he is the king of lame excuses for stuff.

He refuses to get help. He has idiot friends that manipulate him and take advantage of his trust, money, and they "self medicate" with pot or rarely cocaine and like he had been sneaking around and doing along with also excessive boozing at times. I just got sick of it. If other's can manage it or work at bettering themselves, then he could but he lives in denial world and as a result of that is often laughed at behind his back by those he considers "friends" and he can get on people's nerves. One day he knows the game plan, the next day he doesn't know. Three days of the week he's knowing what he wants and is happy, the next three days he doesn't know what he wants. He can make a total ass out of himself. Such poor communication skills and immaturity.

So, guess what, nobody wanted to give him the time of day (romantically) before I got ahold of him and gave him my trust, respect, and love. I'm a nice looking woman too, great figure, passionate, intelligent, and I know this sounds so horrible but compared to what he had managed to want to take up with before me, a major improvement like never before with those rare hook ups he managed to have that didn't last. In other words, he could only get those that were desperate, seriously insecure or seriously emotionally unstable themselves prior to me (due to his insecurities).

So, our beautiful love affiar went sour when he just kept acting like a total selfish ass too many times. I stopped seeing him for two weeks and at that point instead of wanting to work things out or fix it, as he has huge feelings for me, Mr. Denial of having ADHD goes out and has sex with some totally idiotic sloppy girl (impulsive, insecure, immature, an idiot). I think that grossed me out more then hurt me. I also have to remind myself that it was totally dumb for me to be expecting normal relationship practices (adult emotional maturity or anything close to that) from an ADHDer in denial who's never worked at getting any treatment or help. However, get this, Mr. ADHD finally gets in touch with me, actually tells me he wants to see me so I think "AH HA! He's working on communication skills and DOES make effort to care." So I said yes. (This is where the story gets even better)

WE HAVE MISSED ONE ANOTHER'S TOUCH AND PASSION FOR SURE AND IT SHOWED!, so, we have some wine, it's great! I'm so happy, we're making progress. It would have been yet another memorable evening for us and I wanted it to share that with him in a serious way. Then, he kisses me, starts to walk off to take a super quick shower from the end of the work day and as a JOKE! AS A FRIGGIN JOKE I say to him as he walks down the hall smiling at me, blowing a kiss, and removing his shirt making his way to the shower. I say, "Did you have sex while we were apart?" I just blurted it out without thinking and sort of trying to be cute. Mr. ADHD said "Well, yes, but it was ONLY a week ago and she wasn't great and it was SICK and for sure you and I have serious chemistry". Then he looked at me still looking glad that we're about to take part in some intense love making episode. However, I seem to have lost the mood. To add insult to injury, he SWEETLY tells me not to worry because he used protection and it wasn't a problem and he'd get tested and for me to be reasonable since it had been over a week ago and meant nothing. I, on the other hand, had trouble understanding how someone can be so charming and climb into the pants of another woman in such a short time after an intense supposedly committed relationship of well over a year. For those two weeks we weren't seeing one another, I missed him, was feeling kind of like dog crap and just wanting time to myself. He on the other hand, he is so immature, lacking in experience of any long term emotionally healthy relationship, a moron, and has no clue on so many relationship skills or social skills at times.

He still refuses to believe he has ADHD even while he reads his little book he bought a few months ago about "STAYING FOCUSED", something I never told him to do. In fact, I never nagged the man about anything. I just presented information. Tons of it to him for a few weeks then let it be forever. He has to want to make the effort and want to change. I'm not his wet nurse nor am I anyone's keeper. It's not up to me to change people nor is it my place. People have to want to better themselves, they have to want to make the effort. They have to want to care otherwise it all turns into bullcrap in the end.

His behavior continually chipped away at the relationship. I FELT as if I was the only one making the efforts and I just got sick of it. Once in a while he'd throw me a doggie bone of some form of effort on his part but the negative started out weighing the positive. It's a hurtful thing. I got so sick of the "little white lies" too, out of pure childishness stupid stuff. He has serious communication skill problems, low self esteem, friends I consider anything BUT friends because real friends don't want to stay where real friendship isn't returned, understandably.

Anyway, I just told him he disgusted me. It was just one more case of ignorant behavior from untreated ADHD in an adult who's had it and never was treated but knowing his life story is again, classic untreated ADHD. I chose to get off of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. I hated doing it. I value other things like closeness, sharing a special closeness, HONESTY, respect, etc., but apparently not him.

My advice is if anyone is with an ADDer who lives in denial (and the whole nine yards of other headaches that go along with that), don't torture yourself or turn it into a co-dependent relatinship where you lose yourself and feel like unwanted dog crap time and time again. I was honestly the first classy and decent thing that ever came his way, and I know this for a fact because they blurt stuff out and sometimes end up telling all, or telling stuff here and there, and lets not forget the memory problems.

Don't let them continually hurt you by their moronic, selfish, thoughtless behavior. Don't let them make you feel like nothing and keep on doing those same hurtful behavior patterns to you. Don't nag them into getting help. Giving them ultimatims usually will go in one ear and out the other then they think you were the problem anyway, so who cares.

DUMP THEM if they are not willing to get help or acknowledge the core of the problems! You are not their keeper. Think of them as serious junkies with a problem that will drag you down with them into their self created chaos that spills over onto others. You were not put on this world to be crapped on or be a door mat.

The problem was he was putting his best foot forward in the beginning stages of our relationship and was all hot air and talk, talk, talk, talk. Then, once you find out things were not as they seem your emotions are invested, you see what you can do to better it, you try, you give, you give and give and try and try, you over look, try to reason out, etc.. just save yourself the headaches and DUMP THEM and I know it hurts but it would hurt far more to stay longer and have even more of your self worth seem to flush down the toilet....ain't worth it people. NEEEEXT!

Do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to not think about that person when not with that person too because they can be soooooooo charming, because we are often a charming lot. You may be tempted to want to be with them again when they are having a lucid moment of emotional maturity, trying to trick you back into the insanity, but I would just flash the word "LaHOOOser" in my mind like a neon sign when I would feel missing him or feel bad (let's call a spade a spade and be realistic).

These people cannot be reasoned with. You go in circles that go nowhere so don't bother wasting your breath. You'll feel koo-kooy and start sinking to their immature and irrational level pretty soon. Also, STOP BEING SO "UNDERSTANDING" to their constant hurtful behavior and stop overlooking it.

In time I promise you that you no longer feel and not like a dufus, a sucker, a whipping post, an idiot, the bruised ego goes away, and just learn from it because we are often drawn to those we share common ground in and those who have many characteristics like us that are appealing like charm, humor, romance, fun, creative lot...you need to know you can be drawn to other fellow ADHDers, so, just be careful.

Don't be surprised if you find out they sneak around a lot doing their own shameful behavior or drugs or God knows what else.

ALWAYS use a condom with them FOREVER if you choose to be sad enough to stick with them while they refuse to get help or acknowledge their problem. You might think they are having problems with other things or that they have a need for AA, depression treatment, compulsive white lies, etc... and you have to be very familar with ADHD to start picking it up from spending serious time with them.

Don't beat yourself up wondering what you did wrong, and by all means, take it from me, don't wonder if you were maybe more handsome or more attractive--that ain't it--trust me. Don't ask yourself if you could you have done this differently, what if, what if, what if and don't think if you were smarter, more patient, more loving, etc...don't set yourself up for any blame for not understanding how to cope with irrational behavior and immaturity as well as periodic bouts of charming, loving, and sweet behavior. DO NOT THINK YOUR LOVE CAN FIX THINGS.


Don't go down with a sinking ship and don't stay in an unhealthy relationship. Stop making excuses for it as well. If so many of us deal with it, and care enough about significant other's to make efforts, as well as care about ourselves, don't waste your time with someone in denial.

Long winded I know but we might ask ourselves, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT EMOTIONAL TRAIN WRECK THAT WE WERE A PART OF??!?!?!?!!???" or we can ask ourselves if we want to continue to ride on the rollercoaster of irrationality that will keep hurting us and it doesn't go away either. There's no cure, only management and a DESIRE to want to better oneself.

If someone has ADHD and is in denial but thinks they could have some symptoms this is for you; if you found a great catch and don't want to lose it, and you have good reason to believe there is a chance you COULD have ADHD then for the love of God, stop the cycle of poor decision making and self destruction. A good person, a really great catch is hard to often come by the older one gets so you really need to know that. Loyalty, love, committment, memories made together, the closeness, the intimacy, etc, if you don't want to lose that then for the love of God, get tested and get help with an expert. The worst that could happen is you find out you don't have it and that won't ever be brought up again. Maybe there are other reasons for irrational and hurtful behavior you are displaying and maybe that can also be dealt with but once you lose what could have been one of the greatest loves you have known, maybe your attention span will will not let you forget that.goldenmoment38461.1295833333

I just posted something that I DEFINITELY THINK would pertain to you, and is similar to your situation....I am going to copy it and post it here so you can read it if you don't mind...keep in mind, that I was writing this in response to some one else, and they were having trouble over there figuring out what I was talking about...

I TOTALLY SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU!

ok, here it is:

 

lots of times, certain ad/hders don't even realize that they are driving everyone around them nuts...

take my mother in law.  no one likes her.  she is bossy and overbearing, won't listen (is too caught up with what she is thinking inside of her own little head to listen to anyone elses point of view) and thinks she is never wrong.  she constantly looks for an argument, and you can't really carry on a decent conversation with her.....mother in laws are bad....

but SHE is the  MOTHER of ALL mother in lawS!! 

 I mean, i feel sorry for her because NO ONE, i mean NO ONE likes her, and SHE DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE!!  I mean, people who have known her personally for years, will voluntarily come to me and express their real, genuwine, heartfelt sympathy to me for the fact that she is my mother in law.... "Exactly how do you deal?", they ask earnestly...

But she is the type that WILL NOT ACCEPT AD/HD.  She won't accept the fact that she has EVER done anything wrong, so ad/hd is out of the question.  

I KNOW SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE LIKE THIS!

i have read plenty of posts, and personal accounts elsewhere, with couples who highly suspect that their partner has ad/hd, and the ad/hder REFUSES to do anything about it, REFUSES to acknowledge that there is a problem, and REFUSES to change, and REFUSES to go to couple therapy....the marriage ends as a result. 

I AM NOT SAYING THAT AD/HD IS A BAD THING!!!  ON THE CONTRARY, THERE ARE MANY GOOD THINGS TO BE SAID ABOUT AD/HD! I SHOULD KNOW, I HAVE IT ALSO....

we all are here reading in this forum BECAUSE we realize we have unique "issues" that require support to help us deal! AT LEAST EVERYONE READING THIS HAS COME THAT FAR!!

but too many are out there REFUSE to see that they are causing their family and friends much pain (my mother in law is included in this group)...

my SIMPLE POINT was that i read about a certain neuropsychiatrists, who REALIZED that lots of folks out there with ad/hd are the same type refuse to accept it, and he has studies that PROVE that there is a connection in the brain of some of these folks, with their ad/hd and their refusal to accept their "problems"...it is not a matter of if anyone agrees with this neuropsychiatrist or not, he has done brain scans, tests, and studies, and has PROVEN that this is the case.  I was only reporting his findings.

 

 

sonya_h38458.6501851852Wow, what long posts Hi There, thanks. Good post.

I totally know exactly where you are coming from. One thing I have found at this point, facing facts of there is NO rationalizing with irrational behavior.

There is NO normalcy to try and figure out. NEVER beat yourself out trying to figure it out as it is trying to put a round peg in a square hole (Something like that) and I don't care what's invested in the relationship. I'm divorced and will tell ANYONE, regardless of what doctors with YEARS of credentials up their butts say, the truth is, DO NOT LET SOME RUDE, SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS person drag you down and make you feel squirrly. WALK AWAY and stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to reason it out, stop trying to think YOU can fix THEIR problems.

If you are in a situation where you don't have to be around the troublemaker, don't be.

WE HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER OUR LIVES THAN WE THINK WE DO and don't let anyone take away or try and tear apeart YOUR OWN inner peace. Life's too damn short. We don't have to always keep ourselves in a self enduced form of hell when there are too many other people in the world who DO know how to treat others, in spite of nobody being perfect, some people are indeed better for us to be around then others.

You take care out there.

PS, my former mother in law was THE SAME WAY. I just told all of them that if you all want to live like this I'm happy for you but me and my kids are gone. I have ADHD and so do my kids but we have gotten the right help and we are NOT ASHAMED. We have good self esteem because I made sure of that as their mother who's a strong single parent and I know who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm doing in life. I didn't before years ago but after having kids that was all it took for me to change and better myself in more ways then one.

I wish you the best and your post kind of made me laugh in some of it.

I should only wish that getting away from my dreaded mother in law was so easy...<ssighh>

 

my husband is having a hard time seeing her they way the rest of the entire world sees her....so sometimes I feel "stuck" with her....

But if I was able to, I would have left her alone a LONG TIME AGO, as so many others have.  I agree, the best thing to do with these type of individuals is to get away.

If they refuse to worry about themselves, then you can't do it for them.  Each person has to live there own life... You have to do what YOU need to do  to make you happy.

 

 

oh, and ps...sorry mark!

I can't read this.... can we get an ADHD handicap version?ok, let me try to shorten it....geez, i shortened it, and it still looks long.... let me edit some more...hmm...maybe if I took it out of quote...Goldenmoment,
You are deserving of all the support you need right now!!!!!! What you have just
come through is only appreciated by others who make a commitment to be there
for their loved one while they are living the self-defeating lifestyle that comes
with neglected adhd. Refusal to accept, Ha! that one i know personally. It took
me 7 years  to accept i needed to get myself investigted. This man will have to
come to this decision himself. If he is the player of games he sounds like he
will continue to use your strong personality as a weapon against you. He may
never "Really" deep inside himself realise what you were showing him namely,
"Love" He will be using all kinds of B/S reasons and logic to manipulate the
new situation he finds himself in. To create such a strong physical relationship
based on trust and sensual fulfilment as well as emotional stability you are
like so many of the Women Heros now emerging from behind the Hell of the
Reality of unidentified, unmanaged and mismanaged Adult ADHD. What you
have done coming on here and sharing your experience with us will give the
Courage to other silent suffers who are unable, for many different reasons,
to take the course of action you did.
As an Adult ADHDer who for years caused havoc in the lives of those around me
I say Thank You Goldenmoment!

hopefully, that helps a little..

Thanks, ryan1950. I appreciate your words. As an ADHDer myself, I had so many problems dealing with life, relatinships, struggling through school and college. However, my turning point, even before I knew I had ADHD or realized it was when I had my children. Something clicked in me and I was hell bent on bettering my life, my relationships, and all I could to give them as much of an emotionally healthy upbringing as I could. I struggled with emotional strength, counquering fears, pushing myself to be more responsible, pushing myself to have better social skills, and through it all, I ended up liking myself even more and being more confident. Things just got better and better. Also, and this is a biggy, having a serious work out routine to keep my body totally in shape, and also to keep the cob webs of fog out of my head is probably one of the best treatment programs I could have gotten for myself. I'm so strong willed, BUT, I can be reasoned with if that person isn't a push over weenie.

Anyway, thanks again. I know it's not easy for some. Remember, when I was much younger, (I'm mid 30s now but much younger, I'd wreck relationships too). A great guy I was seeing in my early twenties once got so fed up with me and was so in love with me that when we ended it he told me so hurt and angry that I wasn't happy until I was in a relationship that was full of hell. Those days are gone. I probably wouldn't have the strength I have if it wasn't for my children. They seem to be why I am now all the good that I am, and it just kind of took off on a healthier life choice pattern from there.

I make mistakes still but not as many and I often learn from the mistakes I make too.[quote=goldenmoment]....In other words, I wasn't a skank, or (gulp) old lady in her fifties (we're 36)...[/quote]

Hey, I resemble that remark! (I'm 55 and far from old!)

You've done a lot of growing...keep it up! GypsyWomyn

I'm sure that did sound so rude. I appologize. It wasn't anything personal. As you know, we can make an ass out of ourselves when we don't even try and the way I made that remark about the woman he had encountered was tacky. I humbly appologize. I'm sure if that person was a lovely and as beatiful and witty as you, it would have been a plus for him instead of a minus.


Here, please excuse me while I pull my foot out of my mouth lol...oh, sorry.golden moment, it takes a big person to apologize...it's just that all of us here tend to put our foot in our mouths so often, that sometimes we just have to laugh about it. [QUOTE=Mark Goode]Wow, what long posts [/QUOTE]

I'm with you man.
I never ever read the long posts.
someone should do a poll, see if we are all like this, and it could be an informal guide for folks posting.
Goldenmoment,

There's no need to apologize.   I wasn't at all offended ...I thought it was funny. Although I see you did edit and remove it. Hope not on my account.


[QUOTE=The Resistance!]
[QUOTE=Mark Goode]Wow, what long posts [/QUOTE]
I'm with you man.
I never ever read the long posts.
someone should do a poll, see if we are all like this, and it could be an informal guide for folks posting.
[/QUOTE]

As for you guys...if the posts are too long, just don't read em! We don't need no guidelines.

PEACE! GypsyWomyn38459.8664583333lol! again...yeah, guidelines do suck in a way.
rules even worse.
Nobody has lost their temper. Why are you such a hot head? If you don't like a long winded post, don't read it but why would you want to dictate to everyone else what they should or shouldn't do? That's disrespectful to so many and so many have written long posts.

There's a song you might want to sing and it goes a little sumthin' like this:

"For united we staaaand, divided we faaaall, and if our backs should ever be against a wall, we'll be togeeeether, togeeeether, you and I."

Come, join me in a verse....

If you can't keep up then just don't read the long ones.
Sheesh! Not all of us have the attention span of a nat...............and not all of us have trouble containing our temper and not insulting others.

[QUOTE=goldenmoment]

Sheesh! Not all of us have the attention span of a nat.[/QUOTE]

Don't we?  Alright.  But can just you remind me, what exactly does the 'AD' in ADHD stand for?

Mark -