Relationships/dating/lovers/spouses | ADHD Information

I like intelligence, self confidence, kindness, willing ness to listen to me ramble, and a positive attitude (dated too many negative guys- yeck!). I've always been attracted to guys who are internally logical and structured, probably bc I'm not. This type is always attracted to me, I think bc I provide the spontenaity they dont naturally have. Also, I like a guy who is unique or quirky and not afraid to show it. I dislike the golf playing biff type, or weightlifter stud boys. Yucko.
My favorite thing about my husband is that he accepts me just the way I am. He's never tried to change or fix anything about me, unlike people I've dated before him. He's the only man I've ever known that I've felt could actually see who I really was, know what I mean? hi there

i have a close friend of mine i supose to be adhd/bipolar. she had used many drugs, especially the strong ones, coke & heroin for a while and she's constantly depressed. yesterday we were chatting on a couch and she shouted 'what the f**k is going wrong with my brain, calm down please!'. This sounded very familiar to me but i couldn't tell her...

i think there are two categories of people, opposites and clones. opposites are 'normal' people, those who can manage to get on time at work, who never loose anything etc... Clones suffer from some mental disease, at different strenghs but they suffer. I've always been with girls who had some mental disease, some never told me but i knew it.

hope you get the point I only go for the ones in touch with their feelings. I like the sensitive emotional guys. I get bored easily so if they obsessed over me a little that would help, & if they were humorous & silly a lot.For those not married, single, married, with significant other, dating etc...when you were seeking out relationships or found yourself getting into one, what seemed to grab your attention about that person? What type of personality attracted/s you? Why do you think this? Maybe some of these answers can also help us understand even more. I'm wondering if many of us can share similarities with this too?

I know myself, I am usually drawn to natural born leader type men. I do like a man who's emotionally strong. I feel if I get a real weenie-spine on my hands I'll walk all over him eventually and I don't mean to but I have a strong personality or I got bored because they were not a challenge. I also think I appreciated someone who seemed to have what I felt in my mind to be structured. Earlier in life I think those strong personalities were what I felt someone who could help take care of me in certain ways....sounds sad, I know. However, through time, I've learned that I can take care of myself and I like that. I've gotten so bent on that concept that I'm very independent minded. I want to do it all MYSELF. I will get there because I busted my butt working hard at getting there. I think that can be a downfall sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong but who knows.

I have to be with someone who's smart. I love a good conversation or exchange on views or opinions or even sharing information, but not with someone who can be a big poor sport baby about things or someone who has to "be right" all of the time--what a boring drag and poor sport that is. No fun. Intelligence in one form or another is important to me.

I think I have standards that other's would consider to be too high, but I have to tell you, I don't expect more from another then I would for myself and I'd rather be alone then "settle". I also have to feel I have respect for that person and that he should have integrity when it comes down to it.

Also, from my earlier years, I think I would mistake some bossy jerk for what I thought was emotional strength or structure guiding. Having ADHD and while growing up in the past in our earlier years probably didn't give us the best judgement on picking some of those we did awhile back or even now. Who knows but I know this effects relationships, if not now then especially when we didn't know what the heck was wrong with us. Low self esteem would contribute to picking the wrong kind too I would suspect.

Anyone have any thoughts or comments on this?

Sonya,

I can totally relate with what you said! When I first started talking to my now fiance, it was soo weird but I just totally felt comfortable and we clicked right away. I started opening up to him with everything which is totally not like me because I'm very shy and introverted and keep a lot to myself. With the other guys I dated, I totally was not able to be myself because I felt inhibited also and the guys did not know much about me at all. One of them was just arrogant and enjoyed talking about himself all the time.....I like talkative guys don't get me wrong, but listening is also important. He had no listening skills whatsoever. He was so boring and too arrogant. He'd just go on and on about himself and how he was soo good at computers and blah blah blah like how great he was! I would sit there and get all fidgety and bored and impatient lol. Anyway, with my fiance, it is not like that! i feel like i can share anything to him and he'll understand. I don't have to be afraid of opening up.I can say something totally dumb and we both laugh and he doesn't criticize me or give me a weird look lol. We just enjoy our serious talks or joking around. It's perfect! He thinks he might slightly have ADD so maybe that is why we understand each other and click so well. We are both totally random and will be talking about one thing then out of the blue go to another subject....both of us! it's so funny lol. Anyway, I never knew why I couldnt totally open up to any guy. Now I do...I hadn't found the right guy yet!! Anyway, isn't it wonderful to know that your hubby will accept you no matter what Sonya?

princessbride2238471.6484722222I like the nice guys 8) The ones that seem like hopeless romatics.Liking jerks is really stupid. I don;t get girls who do this. What I look for in a guy is what I look for in a friend.... [QUOTE=stixxx]

I've also seen many of these types of girls change course later in life and gravitate to guys like me. Hey, I can live on the edge like anyone else, but courtesy, respect, telling a girl she looks really nice...are time-tested and are paying off big time for me now. I've also learned that girls LOVE a sense of humor and the ability to be self-deprecating. Woo-hoo!

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You are very wise. You're also right. Maybe when some of us females feel we have grown up mentally, we realize what truly is important. I'll speak for myself at least.

[QUOTE=wickedmeowmer]total 'Mama's Boys' and to a certain extent I still find myself initially attracted to those types of guys. The men usually in one way or another have some sort of 'issues'. [/QUOTE]

it's a paradox for guy's trying to support a world with equal respect for women. if you respect women and try and listen, or understand, or support, or emote, or just have an open mind; your labeled a "nice guy", "mamas boy", "gay", "wimp" or whatever else the person labeling doesn't quite understand. we are not trained in those areas, but the new generations are.

it took me 34 years and a tough divorce to start caring about a womens needs; and most guy's never do. but now i have my pick of just about any women i want, just about; marisa tomei may be out of reach. it's all about respect and still being alpha prime, or confident. guy's hate you, and will attack, but the payoff is that women will like you, if you treat them like men should. and the ones that don't understand will label you..............

LOL...this explains why I had so many girlfriends who eventually just wanted to be "friends." Never could understand why so many girls were so enamored with guys who didn't seem to treat them that well (I'm being diplomatic here). Maybe its a James Dean thing or something, dunno.

[QUOTE=illhtac]

Golden, everything you said sounds exactly like me. I haven't dated that many guys in the past because they would have to really like me and keep bugging me or do something really huge so I'll pay attention to them. That sounds snobby, but it's because I actually don't notice them otherwise. Unfortunately, these guys usually tend to be really nice, so I walk all over them and then I get bored with them and sick of them always wanting to see me and do things for me. Then I come off as a bitch but I'm really just clueless. I actually haven't dated for a while because I realized that I was hurting really good guys and I didn't want to do that anymore so I just quit.

The guys that I'm really attracted to usually have strong personalities, are smart, etc. I have high standards for myself and other people too. I think that's why I can't seem to find anybody that I like enough to start a relationship with. My mom thinks that because I don't have a boyfriend and no hopes of an engagement ring anytime soon that I'm going to die alone, so she keeps trying to set me up with every guy even close to my age that she knows. I keep telling her that if he's not right it's a waste of time but she's not convinced.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy because I do stuff like that.

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I relate to you as well. Also, with moms...I'm sure they MEAN well, but ugh, she's not like she use to be but she use to THINK the same thing and even try and (gulp) set me up with one of her picks for me (GAAAAG!!)...what use to chap my hide and make me cringe is she would simply send some guy she (or one of her friends) thought was an interesting possibility for me to THE PLACE WHERE I WOULD WORK. Oh my God! She sent the kind ranging from Don Corleone to Sponge BoB Idiot Pants to Quido who was a top dog in the plumber's union to some guy who was 5 inches shorter then me but who looked like a steroid factory--whichs was rather creepy--THEY ALL WERE!! That would make me so mad and humiliated. She finally stopped that but boy that made me mad at that time and I would also think WHERE DID SHE MEET THESE PEOPLE??? I would say she meant well in her mind, but it was also extremely disrespectful on her part and flat out rude. I'm glad those days are long gone.

I get asked out but I'm not even in the mood to right now plus I have much to keep me busy as it is but once in a while I miss making love to someone I'm in love with and when I'm into a serious relationship with someone, I seem to long to make love with that person all the time. I won't just go out to get laid. That's not my style either-YUCK!

I also think it's a drag that people can't just be themselves from the get go. I AM. Saves time.
goldenmoment38470.8219097222 [QUOTE=sonya_h]

what attracted me to my hubby was the fact that I was just so comfortable with him. I could totally be my freaked out, zoned out, say whatever, impulsively affectionate self with him.

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And that's how it should be!!

[QUOTE=floofthegoof]I'm attracted to all sorts of women, but I do have a big problem with 'nice guy' syndrome......
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nice guys syndrome is not a crutch it's an asset. just make sure you let them know your are interested in intimacy early, otherwsie you get stuck in the friend zone. they have no reason to give you anything else if you don't make it clear, and trust me on this one....all women know we are driven by a need for sex. if you do it with class, she will let you know exactly were you stand. i try and use the "what are you looking for", and they are pretty honest.

women are pretty damn smart, as i'm sure you well know.

[QUOTE=unbreakable]

[QUOTE=floofthegoof]I'm attracted to all sorts of women, but I do have a big problem with 'nice guy' syndrome......[/QUOTE]

women are pretty damn smart, as i'm sure you well know.

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I could not have said it better if I had tried. You are very correct...with EVERYTHING you said.

goldenmoment38470.7734837963

Floofthegoof nothing wrong with being a nice guy, you deserve a nice girl not a ?Bitch. When I met my husband who does have ADD he got me by being that way. He used to get me flowers weekly, very affectionate, and since I did not have really any boyfriends prior took things slow for me. I was a nervous one I am afraid in fact first kiss i ducked out of fear.

Now on May 28, 2005 we are hitting our 10 year wedding anniversary.

I like caring, sensitive guys who can make me laugh and think. Confidence is attractive, but too much of it is a turn off. I just can't sit there all day and say- you're right. you're great. The whole world should bow.

I once went out with a guy who I liked a lot, until he said something about how retarded people are not really people because the quality that distinguishes animals from people is cognition, and since severely retarded people can not think 'right', they should not be in the same category as humans (like him) are.

He said that it was a waste of time putting energy or effort into making lives of people with disabilities better, because they would not amount to anything resembling what humans could do anyway.

This conversation was in response to me talking about spending summers as a kid taking care of my neighbor, who has down's syndrome.

I never saw him again
[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]
I never saw him again
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Lol. I think the primary source of confidence in human beings is just basic stupidity. There *is* a corellation.
My relationships tend to last fewer than 6 months, simply because all the little annoyances build up and I end up not being able to stand the guy. Like the guy who tapped, tapped, tapped the salt shaker every time he used it. He couldn't just shake the damn thing like a normal person, he had to TAP TAP TAP the saltshaker with his little finger. I know it sounds petty, but it drove me NUTS and I got to the point where I just got annoyed by looking at him. I'll probably be single forever, just because I can't tolerate most people.

what attracted me to my hubby was the fact that I was just so comfortable with him. I could totally be my freaked out, zoned out, say whatever, impulsively affectionate self with him.

All the other guys I dated, I felt inhibited. Like a big part of me was a secret.

but with my hubby, right away when we were dating, he made me feel comfortable enough to tell him I had ad/hd, and then he was like, "omg! i have that too!" and a few days later, his car got repossessed! Well, i knew he wasn't lying then.

I have never really been so comfortable around a guy before. So it was inevitable..

but i had LOTS of boyfriends before him, ALL DIFFERENT! There was really no special thing about one of them....

The one I think of the most is this artist guy. I liked him a lot because he was very deep and very artistic. But there was that "something" that was lacking..

And then there was this other guy that I grew up with...he was so beautiful. ALL the girls liked him, but i REFUSED to acknowledge my HUGE crush on him because #1) I was NOT going to fall for a guy just for his looks #2) He could have any one he wanted, why would he want me anyway? and #3) He would NEVER understand my ad/hd, he was too perfect.... So that never happened.

I'm engaged and it took me forever to find the right guy for me. I dated some overly serious guys who annoyed me to death. I have to have a guy that will laugh when I'm silly and we can joke around about things together. I can think of a couple guys I dated who were way too serious. Drove me nuts! I also got bored very quickly though I managed to stay with them for a very long time. How I did that, I have no idea! Anyway, I like a guy to have a personality. To know when to be serious and to know how to joke and when. I like him to be smart, caring, loyal, patient. I hate clingyness. Everybody needs their space sometimes. But i love my fiance. He is perfect as far as personality AND looks! I could never get tired of him. This is the first time I've ever felt this way. He is such a good communicator too which is so important to me. I am just now learning how to talk about problems. I still struggle with bottling things up and never confronting but with my fiance I'm getting better about it so thats good. I don't like guys who want one thing. I always hated that. I don't like arrogant/cocky guys either. That drives me nuts! i get so irritated! Some girls like it but I do not. I like confidence don't get me wrong but I don't like the whole too confident arrogant thing that a lot of guys have. My fiance actually understands me. He doesn't think I'm weird. He understands about my ADHD. I do not like emotional guys. I like the strong type guy but if they get emotional once in awhile it's ok. I just don't know how to handle it. What else? I am very picky!! I'm surprised I found my fiance!! I sure lucked out! Every time i dated other guys I have in the past, I always had at least a doubt or 2 about each of them. With my fiance now, I do not!! I can't wait to marry him! :)

Hmm, I usually got bored w/ guys before even going on 1 date or after 2 months of dating. My 1 long term relationship was w/ a totall a$$hole, so the drama of it kept me involved (that and low self-esteem!). But I have grown up since then.

I have always been accused of being too picky and all that. And maybe I was...but if you are going to be w/ some1 'til death do u part,' shouldnt you be picky? LoL My current BF, who is now my 2nd longest relationship & still going strong...he's perfect for me. He has my odd sense of humor, he challenges me mentally, he treats me well but isn't a doormat, and so on. He has the personality I have always looked for in a guy, and I really didn't think that combo was possible. I think another main thing is in the sense of humor...he picks on me (not in a 'bad' way) and I like that...most guys won't do that or do it to be a jerk. He drives me nuts at times, LoL, but I think that's part of the draw for me. He also doesn't judge me or vice versa.

[QUOTE=Reizende]

Heh..not all women..at least not certain ADHD women ;)

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Well, if they take their mother over me then, no I guess I don't love them either. 8)I'm attracted to all sorts of women, but I do have a big problem with 'nice guy' syndrome that wreaks havoc with my relationships. I'm just not an ass hole, and it's really not something that is easily faked. There's a certain consistent, selfishness that the real ass holes can maintain easily, but for me to emulate that would take way too much out of me.

I like to give, and I like to praise, and I guess I'm a bit impulsive about it. It makes *me* feel good, but women really have a hard wired aversion to this. It just erases you from their memory. I've never been able to find a good balance that works for me and my current gf. You can't just be an ass hole sometimes, you have to be consistent and predictable. Frankly, I'd rather be alone I think.

[QUOTE=floofthegoof]I'm attracted to all sorts of women, but I do have a big problem with 'nice guy' syndrome that wreaks havoc with my relationships. I'm just not an ass hole, and it's really not something that is easily faked. There's a certain consistent, selfishness that the real ass holes can maintain easily, but for me to emulate that would take way too much out of me.

I like to give, and I like to praise, and I guess I'm a bit impulsive about it. It makes *me* feel good, but women really have a hard wired aversion to this. It just erases you from their memory. I've never been able to find a good balance that works for me and my current gf. You can't just be an ass hole sometimes, you have to be consistent and predictable. Frankly, I'd rather be alone I think.
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Heh..not all women..at least not certain ADHD women ;)

To goldenmoment and illhtac, all I have to say is 'holy cr4p!' Thats exactly me as well. I used to be attracted to (and really the one guy I've ever loved) total 'Mama's Boys' and to a certain extent I still find myself initially attracted to those types of guys. The men usually in one way or another have some sort of 'issues'. Like in my conscience mind I *think* I'm attracted to success oriented, really motivated people...but I find myself in the same situations with the same kind of guys...kinda metro, a little nerdy...etc. Things never freakin go anywhere because I AM picky...and a perfectionist about a lot of things and they are well, wimps (or gay, ha!).

I have been accused of being 'bitchy' like illhtac, as well. Also of 'taking advantage' of nice guys. But I think its really all just a matter of miscommunication (maybe my fault) and assumptions (most def their fault).

Sometimes I stress out because I feel like (at 24) I'm going to end up an old 'cat lady' and I want like kids and shiznit. I have no idea if that has anything to do with brain miswirings, but it is uncanny that someone mentioned that...like I think I mentioned before, I'm very adverse to blaming things on ADD, I think most likely certain personalities are prone to ADD/HD and we just happened to find each other.

Although I'm sad to be reminded I have yet to feel successful in a relationship at my insanely *old* age...I'm comforted to know it seems like others have the same problem.

Good luck peeps.

I just call them sweet & sensitive..not mama's boys per se 8)LOL, I mean that in the nicest way possible. Most of those boys are still great friends, in my mind we were always friends, and I love them to pieces. I just unfortunately...don't 'love' them

wickedmeowmer38470.4298263889

Thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy because I do stuff like that.