Imoprtant...Your permission please. | ADHD Information
Hey, can we dial it back a notch here?[QUOTE=JerBer]Hey, can we dial it back a notch here? [/QUOTE]
True enough. Sorry. This is the first post out of all my previous ones that is very personal to me. It took me a long time to get the courage to open myself up to all of you here. Its never been easy for me to ask for help especially where my relationship is concerned. I guess I don't know how to let things roll off my back when so much of my feelings have been put on the line.
I apologies to everyone for being so emotional in my replies.
Karen in Canada
Karen N38477.009525463[QUOTE=MafiaKiddo]OK Now I'm really confused since when do we need permission to start a topic in a forum. I mean If I want to start a topic about wool socks making my feet itch I am more then free to do so. I doubt anyone would care or respond to my itchy feet topic but still it's an open forum anyone can post anything.
LOL If it wasn't open how would the vitamin and video salespeople be able to post topics trying to sell their wonder cures. [/QUOTE]
Do me a favour...go get your need to be the center of attention on another post. This is an important, serious post for me. Since time and again in here you've demonstrated you obviously don't feel the same way as I do and have nothing positive or credibly cunstructive to contribute, just lame and irrelevant humour....leave this topic alone. Its obvious you cannot extend your self to understand how anyone other than yourself, feels. I'm asking permission because I'm trying to be considerate of users on this forum. That is just how I'm built. You don't feel there should ever be a time to consider others feelings... then thats the difference between us. Please respect what I'm trying to do here even if as you've made it abundantly clear, you don't understand or agree with whatever you think this post is about. HINT my love for my husband in making this request and trying to improve our relationship around ADHD, IS NOT the same as wool socks making my feet itch or a video sales person trying to mass market cheap vitamins! Very hurtful analogy.
Karen N38476.7473263889I asked the administrator to post the partners/spouses of ADHD forum. I'm really glad they have. Its important for the spouses to have their place in here too!
I'm asking your permission to start a topic there for " NON ADHD spouse's of ADDer's" My husband doesn't have it...I do. He's been very supportive but has a hard time understanding it since unlike us, he has no personal experience of it to truly comprehend ADHD other than what I tell him I experience. He has had to make a "leap of faith" in his love for me to be as supportive as he is...even if he can't really fathom it. I really appreciate his efforts BUT I feel its only fair to give him and other spouses that do not have ADHD a place to speak their minds. This may even include discussions with each other whether ADHD truly exists as it's own entity, among other topics. When I first heard of ADHD for myself, I was sceptical if something that all people do occasionally was actually its own disability, deserving of the title ADHD. Of course since it affects me daily and several times daily...I know now it truly is a valid condition. But if you didn't have that daily experience of living with ADHD....it would be hard to wrap your head around it and fully understand the depths of it.
Spouses/Parteners who both have ADHD do not have this lack of understanding ADHD between them. I'm sure they have alot of extra relationship issues but not that. They have this community here, including each other, who understand perfectly what they are going through and support them.
I want to post initial topic using what I've said above, since it should be introduced by an ADDer with the support of all you here. Otherwise some people may be highly offended by the apparent "segregation" of spouses and possibly be offended by the conversations held within. I know that if they come to support each other there, sharing their own perspectives, experiences and yes...thier frustrations especially...that they will begin to come as close to full understanding of what we know of our selves already to be true. BUT they have to be aloud to write freely even their scepticism of ADHD with no backlash from us. How else will they sort out their thoughts and draw useful conclusions if they can not?
So I'd like your permission since it should be our community to decide to post it and show our support to a topic that will allow them to express themselves in any way which may include calling ADHD itself into question. This decision from us must include not only to not be personally offended or attack such a post if it should come up but to understand their side of the issue and promote understanding and tolerance, just as we give each other here already.
I need a safe place for my husband to sort his feelings and find his way from "not totally understanding but supportive"...to possibly "believing and understanding!" I feel this one thing will greatly improve our relationship..his understanding of ADHD and definitely MY understanding of his struggles as he tries to get there. I always expect him to support me, now I'd like to support and understand his struggles while doing the very thing I ask of him....unconditional love.
So, what do you say? yes or no.
I'll respect the decision of your views shown in the total of the poll in 2 weeks time.
Thank you for listening. Karen from Canada.
Karen N38475.5858796296Well, my question would be, why don't they just come talk to us? We can give them plenty of insight I think. Creating a separate forum for non-add spouses sounds like the blind leading the blind. lol. It sounds like its purpose would be somewhat limited to comiseration, which is fine I guess.hey floofthegoof
We get to vent and discuss our issues with others who understand where we are coming from. Don't our spouses deserve the same? My hubby constantly finds it challenging to understand what I'm going through. But he finds it even more frustrating not having anyone in his position to discuss this with and when he tries to explain his frustrations, doubts etc. to me...well I just talk at him with the authority of my ADD point of view which he can't relate to.
We also commiserate to each other. Funny isn't it that we commiserate about Non ADDer's lack of understanding! Once they are in here talking to each other, they are bound to look and read other forums as well.....they will be here out of love of their partner, the need to understand and a place to go for themselves. But we have to let them find their own way. We can't insist on them what we know to be true for ourselves. All I ask is to give them a chance to learn and grow...right here with us. Maybe we need to learn tolerance and understanding as much as we ask of them.
a LOT OF PEOPLE SAY ADHD/ADD DON'T EXIST! I was under the impression that the Spouses and Partners of ADHD Adultsforum was for both non-AD/HD and AD/HD spouses. I thought it was for anyone who was married to an AD/HDer regardless of whether or not they had it themselves.
Rachel wrote: a LOT OF PEOPLE SAY ADHD/ADD DON'T EXIST!
Exactly...mostly from those who don't have it...unfortunately from some who do but deny it.
my hubby has been grappling with that one for a while. He supports me because he loves me...it doesn't mean he understands or believes ADHD entirely and truthfully that hurts a great deal sometimes...like he thinks I'm making it up. Don't get me wrong....he has never been cruel about his scetisism...just honest and still he knows in the end I'm hurting and THAT is all that matters to him... to stop my hurting.
I need him to have a reason to come here. The topic in the forum for himself and others in his position should be a good draw. Then maybe they'll look around and finally understand. Bu tif not...he still deserves support and that can only come from others in his shoes..
Karen N38475.6594212963[QUOTE=scarygreengiant]I was under the impression that the Spouses and Partners of ADHD Adults
forum was for both non-AD/HD and AD/HD spouses. I thought it was for anyone who was married to an AD/HDer regardless of whether or not they had it themselves.
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I'm asking to post this within that forum. If both spouses have ADHD...they get it..they understand and can share thier frustrations!!! The spouce who doesn't have ADHD does not. They cannot go to thier ADHD spouce for understanding of thier frustration/views any more than I can go to him for full understanding of mine....at least right now.
Karen N38475.6541319444 Think they should just post like everyone else not like anyone sticks to one forum anyway. Most of us read and post in all the sections. Hell some people even post in the medical disclaimer from the admins. LOL I never quite got that but whatever floats your boat I just think there are more then enough sections and topics already. We keep adding more specialized topics before long the main forum page will turn into main forum pages. We just got the Irish forum lol think people are a bit forum creating crazy at the moment.Oh and the poll really needs more options too. I mean come on who is gonna say the topic is offensive. If you gotta pick between offensive and the other option big surprise what we'll all pick. I don't find it offensive just think it's over kill. We really don't need any more forums. I would vote for the let them use the forums that are already established option. MafiaKiddo38475.6468865741
Look....for every person who has ADHD there is someone who loves them that doesn't. They may not be ready or able to accept ADHD as real but they want to try and understand. Do you think they'd feel OK posting thier doubts and frustrations of thier perspective to only people who believe totally about ADHD? How would you react to my hubby if he posted that he finds me lazy and just doesn't understand why I can't get motivated? some will be nice...others won't. he knows this and feels intimidated to share his feelings. He knows NO ONE in his position to talk to here. If he gets good advise from a wiser spouse who is in his position...he may come around sooner than hearing it from me or you.
Maybe YOU don't need this ...but my husband does. Its going to be a TOPIC within the forum not another forum! Sometimes I wonder if people read what I'm writing. No wonder he's nervous about getting misunderstood or hurting someones feelings while expressing his own, in any forum here that isn't specifically about NON ADHD Spouces!! Why can't you respect his needs and feelings as he respects yours, by asking permission first?
Karen N38475.7359490741LOL you think ADDers will not post in this special section lol come on you know they will. It will be the same as every other section just a new name. Like I said I don't care add it if you want but just seems like over kill to me.[QUOTE=MafiaKiddo]LOL you think ADDers will not post in this special section lol come on you know they will. It will be the same as every other section just a new name. Like I said I don't care add it if you want but just seems like over kill to me.
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I know they'll post there. I'm hoping by getting people here to view this poll they won't just go and attack, feeling invaded somehow...which apparently some do. I expect positive support from all of us here and gental guidence and understanding IF they talk about they're scetisism of ADHD...only that topic can I imagine will fan flames and bring out some nasty US vrs. THEM posts. It happens already amongst ourselves...it will happen there too, I'm sure. I want a feel of the replies here aside from the poll. I love my husband....I respect you here. BUT I'd never lead him into a hostile situation...how the hell would that help us?me and him...you and your loved ones? Don't you ever stop for a minute and ask how bloody hard it must be for them too? Don't you want them to know we care and understand it isn't easy for them either? Especially when they can't understand ADHD or really believe in it? How do you think my life is...feeling so alone with him and he feels the same. He's an honest man and he won't lie to me just so I belive he does understand so I feel better. We just avoid it. I need him to talk and feel safe and understood. JUST LIKE EVERYONE CAME TO THIS SITE WANTED! Why deny him a place to feel ok to talk freely and be respected even if his views are not our's? He doesn't dis believe in ADHD...he doesn't know WHAT to believe.
Karen N38475.6721643519well my little opinion, if the parents have a place to go and talk about their ad/hd kids, then folks should have a place to go to talk about their ad/hd spouses.
i don't think it's a big deal.
just like some of us with no kids, and some of us are parents who happen to have ad/hd; we go over to the parents forum to chat, it shouldn't matter if we go over to the spouses forum just to chat and see what's going on.
i don't think it's a big deal.
i think it was a great idea.
I agree everyone should chat where ever they can and respond in a helpful way. I asked for the Spouses Forum to go up. I'm glad that they agreed, I'm glad others like the idea too.
I realised that the issues my husband has on living with me and my ADHD will be different from those of both spouses having ADHD only because he needs to cope with me without understanding me. I only wanted a topic area he could chat with others who understand his situation and give advise he can relate to. It seems pretty clear by the responses, that those with ADHD don't understand the needs of those who don't have it but have to deal with it reguardless. I can ask him for his patience, but I can't make him understand. No one with ADHD can do this for him no more than some one without ADHD can tell someone with it, what its like.
I really thought others with ADHD who often have "normies" disbelieve thier condition, would be the first group to extend the olive branch and give non ADDer's the tolerance and understanding, we constantly crave and ask from them. How are we ever going to get non adder's here to begin to look around and maybe start to understand us in a meaningful way if we don't make that opportunity feel safe for them to take advantage of?
Karen does it really make that much of a difference to you, most people like me feel comfortable on this website as well, I have been a member now since November and live with two and I enjoy meeting everyone here. I learn so much from others and consider most of you here a friend and find nothing out of the ordinary. I care about everyone.[QUOTE=Jillette]Karen does it really make that much of a difference to you, most people like me feel comfortable on this website as well, I have been a member now since November and live with two and I enjoy meeting everyone here. I learn so much from others and consider most of you here a friend and find nothing out of the ordinary. I care about everyone.[/QUOTE]
Jillette, Yes it matters. My husband and a hell of alot of others who live with ADDer's but do not have ADHD themselves are not as willing and open minded as you are to just throw in to a conversation about ADHD. If they were there would be more of you here already. But you are a minority. There are 5441 members..alot of us that have non ADHD spouces/loved ones....so why aren't a hell of alot more in here speaking from thier perspective? They feel uncomfortable to share thier contrary feelings, they don't want to offend anyone, they don't feel they belong in here. My husband wanted some indication from us here that we accept and understand that he's outside looking in and that his current view on "if" ADHD exists will be taken under consideration, that he'd be able to converse in a civil manner without attack from us. You have to admit if he posted such a topic out of the blue...he'd be razzed and then dismissed. He is very frustrated by my forgetfulness, inability to motivate myself, reeling from one thing to the next....he needs to get it off his chest and find ways to cope from people who know exactly what he's going through whether he believes fully in ADHD or not. Personally, I don't get his issues as well and there in is the problem. I can't understand his lack of understanding about ADHD...he can't understand that I have it, it truley exsists and I'm not doing this deliberately or my favorite...if I just tried harder I'd get over it.
If he had you to talk to in a Topic that he felt welcome to discuss his issues and beliefs....he may begin to understand us as you do. By labeling it NON ADHD Spouses of ADHDers, he may feel courage to chat being "invited" by us... fully expecting others there to understand him even if they may not agree. So yes, its important.
I'd like to add that he in no way wants to "bash" ADHD...he simply wants to understand like we all do. he's sceptical but he loves me and needs to talk to others like himself who share his frustrations and who can offer coping skills and guidance. He is not ever going to disrespect anyones views...he has great character and integridy...with enough exposure to others here...he will not be able to deny ADHD. But I have to get him here first and insure myself all of you will welcome him...contrary views and all. Karen N38475.8059143519OK Now I'm really confused since when do we need permission to start a topic in a forum. I mean If I want to start a topic about wool socks making my feet itch I am more then free to do so. I doubt anyone would care or respond to my itchy feet topic but still it's an open forum anyone can post anything.LOL If it wasn't open how would the vitamin and video salespeople be able to post topics trying to sell their wonder cures.
[QUOTE=floofthegoof] I just think that dividing forums are necessary depending on the volume of posts. When important topics are scrolling off the first page before people can discuss them, then something needs to be done to lighten the load. Other than that though, it's convenient to go discuss Adult ADHD in one place, if feasable.
I'm always glad to answer the questions of non ADD people.
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I understand what you are saying. I agree. All I want you to understand is that a non ADDer who lives with an ADHD spouse, may want to talk specifically to other non ADDer's about that experience and for support. That is what I'm trying to do. my husband may eventually post into the ADHD adult forum but for now he would like to talk to other NON Adder's in his position only. I agree. This is all new to him too. Its only natural to seek out others who have the same situation for initial support.
I don't want another forum..just a TOPIC in the Spouse forum. I realised many ADHDers would be offended at being excluded by the title so I posted this here to get your understanding and permission to allow them this space for themselves until they feel comfortable exploring the rest of the forums.
Why do some ADHDers here think that the non ADHDer wants to converse with them about coping? They want to know how other NON ADHDers cope, not how we cope. Thats apples and oranges. We have very little perspective on thier struggles and issues. So why is it hard to imagine that they need to talk to people who can directly relate to them. I've written this same post, in as many different ways as I can think of since I keep getting the same kinds of replies..."why can't they just talk to us?" Are you a non ADHDer living with an ADHD spouce? the easy answer.... if you have ADHD, then NO, you don't. So how would you be able to understand and share his perspectives? You can't.
It takes courage for someone who is unsure if ADHD truely exsists to come here if that is thier current view. But thier spouse claims to have it. So where do they get to go and talk amongst themselves about this? Right now ...no where. The only non adhd spouses here believe ADHD is real and they feel comfortable using the forum since we all feel that way here. but what of the sceptics? They'd not likely come here unless they felt invited by providing them a space to work these issues out for themselves without reprimand from us. I'd imagine after a few visits here, they'd look around and see the overwhelming proof of ADHD and be able to start a meaningful dialog with thier spouse. All I ask is a topic that invites them to even come here in the first place.
I just think that dividing forums are necessary depending on the volume of posts. When important topics are scrolling off the first page before people can discuss them, then something needs to be done to lighten the load. Other than that though, it's convenient to go discuss Adult ADHD in one place, if feasable.I'm always glad to answer the questions of non ADD people.
floofthegoof38476.3703356481
why are more childhood disorders around then before. If adhd is only in 3-5% then why are half of our friends classroom on these drugs for this. Obviously the percentage is higher.
Wow guess I need to read these forums more often lol Apparently I'm making enemies and not even realising it. Oh well I get what you're saying... but there will be more than one spouse who does/ doesn't have ADD. So they will be able to find someone to relate to. And it does help to have the add point of view as well.