husband/help!

hi there

I'm new to the forum. My husband had some sort of breakdown last year, when he realised he wasn't happy. We tried to get to the bottom of it and realised the main problem he has is in staying focused. He's massively intelligent, and bowls people over when he first gets a job, then by week four he hasn't managed to translate that into anything - no paperwork, no results. That explains his job history - 17 jobs in as many years (currently he's without one and is having a nightmare trying to get one). Anyway, we spent a lot of money on private psychiatry, he was given about five different diagnosis, the latest of which is that it might be ADHD. (Other diagnoses - personality disorder, depression, purely psychological problems due to his family moving about all the time when he was a child). The ADHD signs are certainly there, and he was diagnosed with hyperactivity as a child (curiously, though, he doesn't have hyperactivity now, just major inabilities to focus and get anything done). However, as we live in the UK, these things take forever to organise - the doctor has recommended he go on an ADHD course here but that the waiting list is about eight months long (and only then will they know if he has it or not)! In the meantime, he's going for counselling (even that is another month off). He feels demotivated and useless.

so even though it's not definite that he has ADHD I'm wondering if anyone has any advice - has anyone else had similar job histories, and is it worth trying Ritalin before he's properly been diagnosed?

I'm not giving up, far from it, but it's a stressful situation (for him, for me - I'm the breadwinner and do all the housework as he has no motivation even for that), so any thoughts would be appreciated

thanks

Lesley

x

Lesley...I so know where you are coming from believe me.

The route I had to go through was this. I basically paid to see a shrink to get on the meds and then went to my local GP and told them I couldn’t afford to keep going to this guy every time to get a repeat prescription so they put me onto the clinic in Maudesley which from the waiting time you gave sounds like the same one you got.

I can only empathise with you because I know what you are both going through. You, for having to carry the load for so many things and him because he currently finds that difficult and I am sure feels very guilty about it.

I have been in the same place and I would like to give you the advice I have found to be the best for me.

1. I believe that major improvements can be made, so hang in there. Do everything you can to unburden yourself first of all. Set up direct debits for all your bills etc etc do whatever YOU can do to release some pressure from yourself.
2. Read ‘The now habit’ because it stresses that he must have guilt free play time. There’s a concept of doing just half an hour of work a day that has massively helped me. Procrastination is the effect of ADD and low self esteem. Often you don’t feel like you deserve any time off.
3. Read ‘the procrastinators handbook’ it gives great advice on how to beat procrastination and set up simple structures to do this. I must emphasise that normal organisation tools don’t work for ADD minds. You must go simple. I.e. A great habit I got out of the book is about cleaning. You have a half hour limit and you take a big basket and start in one room. You just put all the things in that basket that don’t belong in that room and you move the next room where you put the things from the last room away and put the things that don’t belong in there in the basket and so on. It’s so much less daunting to the ADD mind. Anyway..the book is full of great advice.
4. Introduce changes slowly. Get used to one or two things...and after that becomes habit introduce another couple of things. Trying to do too much at once just makes you feel bad when it inevitably fails. Keep it simple!!!!
5. Encourage him to get up at the same time each morning. This has made a big difference to me. It gives you that little bit of structure to your day right off the bat. Sleep is so important to the ADD mind.
6. Higher protein, lower carb diet. I don’t mean Atkins I just mean changing the bias.
7. Get rid of stimulants. Cigarettes, Coffee etc...they only serve to increase anxiety and stress. Increase the water intake.
8. Exercise. Every single doctor recommends exercise for ADD patients. The problem with ADD is reduced activity in the front lobes. Increasing blood flow to the brain can only be a good thing and it’s a great habit to get into.
9. Get him very basic habits. As he walks in door, put keys and wallet in one place etc.
10. L-tyrosine. It’s an amino acid reported to help brain functioning – I take one a day.
11. Reduce the amount of television. Sure watch the programs you like, but lets face it at the end of watching a long stint of TV you don’t feel very satisfied do you?
12. Hang in there. I have suffered with this for years, and it’s only in the last year that I have really started to make good ground on this and I really appreciate my wife sticking by me and encouraging (but never patronising) me. She has lived through this with me and for the first time in years I have gone through the other side.
13. If they medicate I suggest you ask for something like concerta or any other slow release brand of drug. It’s more expensive for the NHS but it’s far more gentle on your body.
14. Don’t rely on the medical profession. I hate to say it but I don’t think many doctors really understand what your husband is going through. You must take responsibility for your own health. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.  Read books, and arm yourself before you see the doctor. There still seems to be some perception that you want the drugs for their stimulant value (which is plain stupid) so I think it makes it easier if you go there with a list of what you believe the issues are, and the fact that you have been to sites like this.
15. If you can afford it. Go private just to get the meds. Then go NHS. My local GP has agreed to keep supplying the medication until maudesley can see me.

Although you will see in these forums that there are some very obvious trends where we all experience the same types of things, everyone experiences them in unique ways. The above are all things I personally have found to be excellent and I the difference in my concentration, anxiety and quality of life is the difference between night and day.

I wish you all the best