Relationship

Yeah, the thought of me still having ADD didn't occur to me until my girlfriend of 4 years began to lose her mind over the situation I've been in for the past many many years. She is, at this moment, still angry at me, or the situation. I'm trying my dardest to change things with myself to appease her because she has wanted a break to think and finish this semester. Unfortuantly I have e-mailed her 4 times and even called her cell and left a message on a whim that we need to talk.

She is a stubborn one she is, and I am doing more harm than good by e-mailing her about the subject. Its very hard for me not to get that idea in my head to send her some words to try and make things better..though they won't.

I am just glad she is willing to work through things because she is not willing to give this up after so long over something like this. I just hope she'll be able to understand some things about my head when she finally finishs school for the year.

Ken

Hi everyone

I would like to know relationships have been now and/or in the past.

Right now I have been with my girlfriend for just under 3 years and we argue all the time. She has some problems like ADD but not that I don't believe cause she has trouble getting along with people and like me never had friends at school etc.

The problem she also has huge amounts of anxiety and comes from a culture that doesn't like any one that has anything wrong with them or can't accept it, so if I bring it up all I get is my head beaten off the only thing she will say is that she has anxiety.

I still live at home with my mum and my girlfriend lives with me as well so could you imagine what my mum has to put with? Us arguing all the time plus to people with huge amounts of anxiety.

I do feel sorry for her.

Sometimes I ask why am I still with her cause she has cheated on me and lied about it. The funny thing is I lied to get the truth out of her like I saw you etc (I know it did happen cause even her friends told me)

Sumi,

This is my first post here, and I just had to reply to your previous statements on this subject.  I shut down my computer and tried to go to bed, but just could not continue biting my tounge, so I'm back.

I myself am not perfect.  I joined this board to gather information as a signifigant other whom is in a serious realationship with a diagnosed ADHD person.  I am not trying to critisize you, but from your last statements it seems that you are just giving up-and giving in.  Because you may have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, it is unfair for you to use it as an excuse or one similar to the "race card". 

I can understand that it must be frustrating and insulting that your husband will not help both of you, by researching your condition, and to learn about your everyday challenges, as it affects both of your lives.  On the other side of things; Please understand how much concern, stress and worry you put your partner through as a result of your actions, although I realize some of what you do MAY be unintentional. 

I am sure you are physically fit enough to clean your dishes, and do housework.  Just because you don't like the method or process of the act is no excuse for not cleaning up after yourself.  My grandmother died at 96 and still washed her own dishes by hand and cleaned her house everyday while she had malignant cancer all though her entire body.

If you don't have enough respect for your husband, and NEED to flirt with other men just because you enjoy it at the time, you are NOT being a partner in  marrige, and maybe you should do him the favor of getting a divorce.  I'm no holy roller(by any means), but I do know through experience that it takes two team players and they need to be on the same page.  That is some of the worst mental torment you can put on a partner, that feeling that your spouse can't be trusted. 

The week old dirty dishes, the filthy house, the piles of smelly dirty laundry, the rotten car, can't hold a job, can't wipe your own nose, "oh I forgot", "I didn't mean to", "Nobody told me",.....is all small potatoes, and petty compared to that unfaithufl feeling.  Believe me.

I'll bet that if you show your husband 100% loyalty, and an absolute effort on your part, he will gladly bend over backwards to help you with your ADHD, or whatever disorder you're suffiering from.  The "thats just how I am, take it or leave it" type attitude may just leave you left out!!!  I'd be curious to see where you end up without his stability in your life.

Wishing you the best of luck!!

Sumi,

I must congradulate you on your success' in life after what you have been through and all the while coping with the ADHD/anxiety.  You are definetley a strong and intelligent person.

I want to make clear that insulting you was not my intention for my last post.  After what I have been through with my partner it appeared to be a similar course of action.  Sometimes it is like there are times when ADDers just get tired of trying and act impulsivley, slipping back into their old ways.

I did read some of your other posts, and I was completely certain that I did not know your whole story, and I also know better than to make a judgement on one side of the story.  When I mentioned the lists of negative things (job stability has been an issue, and also with a close friend who has ADHD as well), I did not imply that you did all those things, but I was describing stereotypical ADHD traits.  At least those are some of the ones I hear alot and deal with alot.

Since I joined this forum to learn, maybe you could help me out by telling me some of the things that I could do to help my partner out.  What are some things that you wished your husband would do that would be helpful and supportive to your conditions?  Now that you've described yourself a little bit more, I've realized my situation is somewhat similar in some aspects.  I have already done the research, accompanied them to the doctors, watched different meds work and not work, and I am willing to do what it takes, I just need to know what else I can do.

Thanks for replying to me I hope you did not take my previous post the wrong way. 

BTW...I NEVER said you were a shallow-minded and selfish person!

Thank you for your reply Sumi!  I am glad that you can understand where I am coming from; Thank You.  I had a sneaky suspicion that you would have reacted that way at first....(experience)....but hey, at least I got your "attention"!

I'm happy to learn the Adderall is working for you, my partner had great results with it (from my perspective) and things were going great, but unfortunatley they must work with their hands most of the day in an extreme detailed fashion, and shaking was an issue.  Concerta is now in effect, and from my point of view I would have to say the results are mixed.  Also a tolerance was built up quickly to the adderall, after a few weeks the effects wore off gradually.  Strattera(sp) was next after a few increased dosages of Adderall and that was just the worst.  I had a zombie for a mate, and they were very moody to say the least.

If you don't mind, I have a couple questions for you again.  Perhaps I should ask them one at a time to prevent myself from sounding like I am attacking you.  If you don't want to answer, that is OK, I'll understand, I'm just trying to be a supportive partner and help myself cope at the same time.

First...only because this really caught my attention from your initial post, and it has really been a problem for me in my relationship because it leads to other "activities"....Why do you still flirt?  Especially in a rougesh manner when it must be a real hot button in your marrige-No Pun Intended-  

THIS IS LOOONG SORRYno problem i understand why you would ask. let me give you some explanation as that is necessary of course.

firstly , i met my husband when i was a charming 17. so even though i had sexual experiences before then he was my first very serious relationship. i also as noted before had experienced sexual trauma. this has to be considered as well as my adhd to really understand how i feel about sex and the opposite sex. anyway. when i met him it was instant love. i was high for about five years. i dumped the boyfriend (technically my highschool sweetheart) for my husband. i wasn't looking to find anyone at the time and i was in very much pain for the way that my highschool b/f treated me. (i now believe that my x was major adhd) i had decided at the tender age of 17 to give up on men forever. b/c all they had done was either rape me or screw me over. i was pretty and very intelligent and i just couldn't figure out why i liked such losers. then enters my husband. sweet , kind, adorable , masculine and manly yet sensitive. he smells so good it makes me high. and he was the first and only to ever give me an orgasm. (not that this is the only point or anything just a credit worth noting)

i was and mainly am a completely faithful lover. i've never had sex outside of my marriage. (no one needs to rush in now and say that there is more to cheating than sex i KNOW that) and i didn't even know i had any 'problems' meaning i did not know that in my early twenties..basically my whole adult life i would be coping and recovering from : childhood molestation, rape, my parents divorce when i was young, the fact that my stepfather took off with my beloved baby brother never to be seen again, my adhd, my anxiety. i was young. i was stupid. i thought as soon as i got away from my evil family i would be happy strong and move on. i was adhd about my own pain you could say. i was sick of being unhappy and deppressed , i spent my whole highschool years deppressed, suicidal,sensitive and totally upset about my performance in highschool. it was so traumatizing.

so i moved to austin from houston with my new b/f of one year. we were totally in love. things were great and fine for about five years. he went to school. we both worked ..we had great friends, we partied. but i still had not dealt with my issues. i don't know if i was in denial or what. i was getting into arguments with ppl and having a hard time of it. this is when i earned the name 'soapbox sumi' ..the suminator..the nutcracker. the feminazi..blah blah. i was so sick of it. i just didn't understand why i didn't get along! it really hurt me. but it was my own fault. i could not forgive anyone at all for any small trespass they made b/c i felt like such small mistakes could ruin someone elses whole life, just as my own had been ruined by my mother cheating on my father. (and my father went seriously downhill after that..took me out to the desert near el paso and put all my mothers stuff in a pile and burned it..yes, he was crazy. ) which of course in my unconcious led me to believe that it was my mothers fault that my father did what he did to me. b/c the divorce had warped him. i was very close to my father despite that he abused me. i was as most abused children very good at seperating 'good father' and bad father. why do i explain this to you? b/c it bears serious consequences on my self esteem, my anxiety, my constant need for approval.

in comes the flirting.

when i was teenager i thought i was only good for sex. if the right person had come across me i could easily been forced into prostitution. i'm not saying any of this to be sensationalist. anyone who has been abused can attest to how it really screws your mind and your emotions.

men liked me. men like me. i've never been totally comfortable with that. my husband is the kind of man that was gentle and really loved me, made me feel wonderful and he was the best and better than i thought i ever deserved. so handsome and so beautiful to me. he could do no wrong in my eyes. i put him on the biggest pedestal possible. you have to understand that also, since i met him when i was 17 and stinging from my past, he was five years older than me. he was 22. and although i have serious defiance in my blood i was perfectly willing to allow him to be dominate in decision making and i always without even realizing it deffered to his decisions. i doubted my own ability when it comes to a lot of things in life. b/c of my adhd and all my history. i didn't even know how to drive. didn't know how to register for college. didn't know a lot of normal things. b/c my whole highschool life when other ppl are learning all that normal stuff i was getting kicked out of my house or being locked up in my room etc.

so men were always in my early twenties offering to be my back door man. then they would met my husband and back down. one guy actually said " i can never do what he does for you" in other words be the awesome guy that he is. so i never even considered doing anything with these guys. didn't care. loved him so much.

but one day about five years into my relationship and living with my beloved i found a huge stash of porn. of all things..ironically, when i was looking for my love letters to him. i am a profuse writer and had written him a books' worth of letters and i was going to put them in an album for him.  i never invaded his privacy i never even bothered to look in his items he had said to not touch. i was absolutely traumatized by this pornography. i went into a serious rage. this would be considered , this moment in my life, a kind of watershed moment. all of my devotion felt totally and completely like i had been tricked into loving some man that i did not even know. afterall even though i don't like porn if i knew he was into it when i first met him i would of just accepted it and maybe had discussions about getting rid of it. of course i'm impulsive. i packed my bags. he was at work. i was going to leave forever more. and never look back. and i could of done it. i was so damned hurt. all those out there who think its no big deal. need not reply to my story. if only you knew that any type of sexual arousal that wasn't controlled by my actual consent was a horrifying thing. and pornography scared the hell out of me. i called him at work told him not to bring any of his buddies home. i cut up all his mags and pasted them over his photographs (he was a photography major in college) i made a collage on our coffeetable. started drinking tons of vodka and i'm not  a drinker. when he came home it was a total movie drama scene. i banged on him with my fists i was weeping. anyway he said that he was about to trash the stuff before i found it b/c he was not wanting to hurt me and he knew it would hurt me. it drove me to therapy when i thought i was going to quit seeing a therapist..i was so traumatized. i felt so ugly, so much like i couldn't trust the one man the one person i had ever trusted. i felt sooo much like i could never have been the apple of his eye as i had thought since he felt the need to look at women with fake breasts. you know? i was immature in my recovery..assuming some very black and white things, like if someone did that to you they are inevitably 'bad' vs. being an actual complex human who may make mistakes and regret it. after this and a couple years of torturing myself and tons o' reading (enough that i could probably qualify for a womens' studies major) basically my armor had a chink in it. i felt horrible about my appearance. in reality i was quite attractive but reality wasn't something that could convince me out of my low self esteem. the attention of other men was satisfying. i didn't even know i was flirtatious until recently actually. i had my baby. three and half years ago. stayed at home. suffered from post natal deppression. got a job waiting tables b/c i needed some money..met a man..a very handsome man who was a model and someone who had adhd and we instantly clicked. he introduced me to xanax pills and would put one in my shirt pocket every shift we worked. so we started hanging out. i was thrilled. my husband was boring to me and i felt utterly neglected bored and ugly. here was a gorgeous over six foot tall man telling me that i was great! i tried to leave my husband went through hell more therapy and finally that resolved. but i live with the consequences every day. i never slept with him but we were very close. in the past year and a half my imagination has gotten the better of me. i had an 'email' relationship with a coworker. he was also adhd. he totally admired me. we had great convos about the same things. he would lose track of what he was saying when he looked at me..and it got worse b/c we kissed. my husband found out by cracking into my email. so i was in trouble again.

i looked for approval and love and attention outside of my marriage. ever since the first incident and really since i found the porn and had my baby afterward it was for me a slow decline into major almost clinical depression although i was highly functioning. i learned a lot. my husband admitted to me that he had pushed me away..had restricted his affection to me..then he used to get very ultra angry with me when i wouldn't have sex with me..it was a horrible downward spiral in our marriage. the more cold he got the less i wanted to have sex with him and the more deppressed i was. started lexepro and that totally tanked my sex. and he lambasted me b/c of it. he also was in serious critical mode for about two years and i could barely stand it. it was so painful to me. i felt like i made  a mistake why should he punish me forever? thats when i started indulging with my coworker. he saved my ego. its a horrible weak thing but i was horribly weak and needy. no excuse. but my motivation after all. i don't believe i'm a 'cheater' . i am known by my friends as a person with high integrity and honesty. but i can make mistakes too. i'm human and i wanted to be loved. we've improved since then. but it still burns me. i hate that i hurt him. i never wanted that to happen. especially since i never took the thing with my coworker seriously..we were enveloped in a whirlwind of letters and innuendos but nothing real but friendship.

i cannot pay the price of my marriage. and i stand before you a highly committed woman. i've just made my mistakes.

sumik