Hi All
I am a husband, my wife is very very tolerant, and patient. The only time we have trouble is when it is her time of the month, she gets less patient and more snappy. I dont have a clue when not to bother her, if I find something that I think is amazing, lets say...throwing a ping pong ball at our ceiling fan, she will go mental, it hurts me because when I did something similar yesterday, she was fine.
These are the little quirks that I think you both have to understand, I have to understand that she is not like me, not always looking for stimulation, fun or just something. And she has to realise that I dont have the capability, or patience, to work out if she is in the right mood or not.
I think the final thought on the matter from me is, love always works, it always finds a way to heal the little cuts and scrapes, if you truly love your partner, then you will be OK.
Zach
I agree with the poster above. It is worse for the male in a marriage. Fair or not, men are often counted on to be the head of the household and if your wife doesn't have faith that you are up to the challenge it can be tough.My fiance and I have been together for five years. That may not seem like a lot, but in a relationship where BOTH of us have ADD, it's a stinking miracle! LOL Luckily each of us has our strong points that pick up where the other's leaves off. My fiance was just diagnosed less than a year ago. There were times that were very sticky, but we have made a commitment to each other that we would not quit on this relationship. We can bend it but we can't break it.
I did also have that impression chazinmo that often there are more expecations in society of males... Of course, that is a perception of the roles in general, but we also remember the scenes in some movies and old shows where the wife was reminding her husband to do this or that. Obviously, I would say the husband must be somewhat responsible. One must have an open-mind and optimistic look at this and have the courage to deal with the ADHD.
As far as forgetfulness, I am somewhat forgetful. For me, it means that I am more apt to do things right away rather than relying on memory. But organized people do that anyway. Plus, I learned if I try to do things later I cannot guarantee the situation will be ideal, because people can forget things when they rush themselves.
You sound like you do have a very nice wife. Indeed, God Bless her....One thing I need to boost my short-term memory, because it causes me to lose things...
I suppose having a relationship work between two people requires effort on both sides. I think maybe it is a matter of faith, understanding, and hard work. But I have never been married, so someone can be free to correct me....
Humbly yours...
Thank you jilette, chazinmo, and Mark for your responses... Of course, it is a learning experience reading various posts on various topics.... My 'normal' wife & I have been married for 18 years and one week! We are very much in love and treat life as an adventure. (She appears as 'Mark's Mom on this message board.)If it helps any, both me and my fiance have ADHD. We both know each other's faults and how to deal with them. He's constantly moving in a way that bothers me sometimes, but I usually just touch him lightly to make him realize what he's doing and he'll stop. I've spent years managing my ADHD, and while I'm actually worse than him, I actually control myself better. But he's had to deal with my manic-depression for years, and knows exactly how to handle my episodes. I can't really say we're in love anymore, but I've always thought of being in love as a very selfish and childish thing. But we love each other still, despite our faults, and we've learned the delicate art of compromise to the point that we help each other grow mentally and emotionally so that we're stronger together than apart. I think that more than makes up for our downfalls. Maybe it's not quite what you're looking for, but even when I'm sick of dealing with him at times, I still have faith in us.
If you're looking for something a little different, both of our fathers are ADD, at least. Undiagnosed, but if ADD is genenic, we definately know where it came from. My father has been married and divorced twice. Well, I think he has. I don't know if his first wife died after they got divorced or if he was simply widowed. However, my mom and dad got back together a few years after the divorce, and have thought about getting married all over again. The only reason they haven't is because they just don't see why. They live together, enjoy each other's company, and raise the kids together. Sure they were divorced for a few years, but I think being happy now is worth it. And they had more problems than my dad's issues too. My mom came from Taiwan and spent most of my life (I'm almost 23) learning english. They had culture and language barriers and got past it. Looking at that, I think ADD is nothing. My fiance's father is ADD, was divorced once, and is now enjoying a long pleasent marriage. None of us have been on medication for it.
I appreciate all your responses. We have several females who responded to this. If we just go by that, we would say many men would be tolerant of ADHD behaviors. Obviously, the person should not be extreme. Now how about ADD men and non-ADD women. Obviously, not everyone with ADD is the same. Some are loners and don't work well with relationships, but some are kind of in between and social enough, charming, creative, but maybe need to be a bit more centred. I wonder what the guys on the forum would say about the idea of marriage if any of them are married.... I think we need more responses to see how gender and ADD relate. I used to think usually males get ADD more than females. But it seems recent literature is saying that it has been underestimated with females. I think the stereotypical ideas regarding males and females plays into that. Jillette, your post kind of shows me an example of someone who has an ADHD husband. But do you have it yourself? Because someone who has it might be more apt to understand or put with certain things...My husband is ADD and our 5 year old and we are going on 10 years may 28th this year. At times it is rough but we get through marriage is for better or for worse and all the rest. For anyone with or without a disability it is something you work at when times are rough.33 years married and am female 1/2 of this marriage.I think it it is tougher in many ways when the husband is the one with ADD. Be it right or wrong, we are generally expected to be the ones who handle the car repairs, make sure the is inspected before winter, be the main breadwinner, and in general be the one who "takes care of" his wife.
(Forgive me if this sounds sexist, but my experience is that this is still the expectation most women have of men.)
Given this social pressure, it is very difficult when the man has ADD and the woman has to more or less take care of him (follow-up after him, remind him of things, etc.).
I have been 7 years, and no that's not long, however, my wife is very understanding of my ADD. Now that we know what's going on with me (just diagnosed a month ago with adult ADD) things are different...especially since I am on meds to help me. I have no idea how she put up with me for so long! :)[QUOTE=Basilio] I read somewhere that people with ADD are more likely to have a divorce. I am not so sure since the divorce rate is high at this moment, anyway. Are there any people here with ADD who have been married for many years? [/QUOTE]
Well, I guess I've had a bit of both. Wife #1 was a non-ADHDer - pretty girl, but damned expensive. Anyhow, we stayed married for about 4 years, at the end of which it was obvious that if we didn't get divorced we'd finish up strangling each other.
Wife #2 is also a non-ADHDer, and we've been together for 15 years. I've absolutey no idea how she puts up with me. Girl's got the patience of a saint.
Mark -
Actually I did respond earlier I am non-ADD my husband and child are. Both my husband and I work full time and earn about the same salary-wise. I can't stand women who expect to be taken care of and have their husbands buy them pretty things. All the rights of being a liberated woman, but none of the responsibilities.