Suicide Days? | ADHD Information

I know the feeling of not wanting to be here also. It's not that I would want to die, I would just have nights where I just wanted to go to sleep and be left alone. I figured it was just my way of closing down after having too much stimulate me to the point of being overwhelmed.

I have suffered from clinical depression for years, and have been on medication for both depression and ADD. I have taken SSRI medications for about ten years and recently was taken off the last one because it made me suicidal. I was actually considering killing myself--a first for me. My fiance freaked out and made me make an appt with my doctor. He took me off all SSRI's and has put me on Wellbutrin.

The hell that I am going through trying to get off the SSRI is enough to make me suicidal again. I will not get into details about it (for those who want to know you can PM me) since it could take a whole page in itself. I just want to warn all who may be considering taking Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, or Lexapro to go online and look up SSRI discontinuation syndrom. Now that I know more I have made the decision to go off all anti depressants and use exercise instead. I would rather exercise four hours every day (good thing only 30 mins a day works) for the rest of my life than go through this again. And I hate exercising.

I'd just like to comment that when anyone stops any of those SSRIs (antidepressants) dvirgo listed, it's very important to wean yourself off of them, slowly slowly lowering your dosage, under a doctor's care if possible...to never stop cold turkey, which is when most problems occur with withdrawl. The articles on SSRI Withdrawal Syndrome will tell you that it occurs when discontinuation is too abrupt or too fast.

I am very sorry, Danielle, that you are experiencing problems with your withdrawing from the SSRI. However, it is amazing what exercise will do in lieu of medication. So I hope you're soon on the road to 'recovery' from your withdrawal. BTW, sometimes I've wondered, too, if the Hokey-Pokey is what it's really about!

I took prozac for 9 years, finally weaned myself off, slowly, and fortunately had no withdrawal symptoms or problems. If I decide to stop taking Paxil, which I've recently starting taking, I will do the same thing.

loganmom- me too. i have struggled with suicidal impulses since i was 12 or so.(30 years). it gets worse when i'm under lots of stress like i have been lately.

sometimes the stress of just getting by is just too overwhelming. i don't know how much is the add, how much is depression based, or if it's from the adaptations to the non-add society.

my thoughts run to all the ways i have failed, or come up short. that is, all the ways my add has foiled my attempts to be successful in this society.

i don't want to sound like a self-indulgent, immature, whiner. it's just that being so irregular- sharp, on task, energetic one day, unfocused, frustrated, and impulsive the next, (or even in the course of one day) has really interfered with my progress in life.

things like job advancement, adult relationships, money management, require a certain amount of consistent behaviour and self-control i don't seem to be able to muster. especially when i need it most.

how can i get anywhere when i keep switching my attentions? how can i maintain good relationships when i go from being into it, to being out of it, to being too frustrated to cope with it, to being to distracted by any number of things?

if you looked at my life, the troubles i have gotten myself into, my relationships, the way i deal with responsibilities... you might think i was 16, not 42.

i am frequently too embarrased to talk to other adults because i just can't account for how an intelligent, sharp person like myself has so many troubles and so little success. no house, no career, no wife, and no security.

i can barely support myself, let alone my kids, who, thank god, have a mother that has done much better at providing for their material needs. if they lived with me, we all would be homeless and starving. and i would be too short tempered to not do lots more emotional damage to them.

i really hate that i can't plug in like my brother and exemplify the "american dream". i feel flaky, and i wish i was less so. i don't hate myself, i just hate that i can't seem to make a living and establish a more balanced life.

I have been there too..There is times I don't even want my husband to say hi to me and give me my everyday hello kiss. My friends know when I'm in that mood when they call me on the phone and I say just wanna be left alone today. I have depression and it runs in my family..Around the age of 30 it hits really hard. And with me being 31 and have 3 kids with the youngest being 3 they say it is understandable. My family is real supportive and my husband doesn't take it personally because he knows I can't help it.

The suicide thing runs in my family with the depression..My grandfather shot hiself and his sister shot herself about a year after my granfather died. I have had those urges too, like I'm tired of being sad and lonely even tho I have family and friends around..

When I got to that point I made a emergency appointment with my doctor and he put me on welbutrin XL for my depression and adhd.

I'm sorry this post is so long I will go now..If you need to talk and vent just pm me.

[QUOTE=thejestersmuse]

I dont know if anyone will relate, or want me commited for this, but it has to come out. Sorry.

Does anyone else get these times when they just cant be bothered with life anymore, I dont actually mean I would kill myself, I would be too scared of missing something. But I have days that really grind me down, so meloncoly (cant spell it).[/QUOTE]

I have felt like this for as long as I can remember. very much to the exteme since my mother died two years ago. I just *really don't see any point in living since we're all gonna die in the end anyway.

I dont know if anyone will relate, or want me commited for this, but it has to come out. Sorry.

It sounds bad but sometimes I dont even want to be around my wife, and she is the best woman in the world. I love her like nothing else, but sometimes I feel the urge to be gone from here, not where some road could take me, or plane or train. Just gone.

Please dont reply with anything sympathetic or the like, Im honestly not after that, I have built mechanisms over the years to sort these little hicups out. I just wondered if any of you people had this. Its not often I get it, once in a blue moon. But, BOY, do I know when it hits me.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Zach, you're friendly King of the Clowns.

[QUOTE=thejestersmuse]

I dont know if anyone will relate, or want me commited for this, but it has to come out. Sorry.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Zach, you're friendly King of the Clowns.

[/QUOTE] Yes, as I said in my post, I've been on meds for about 8 or 9 months now. But a lot of the time it feels like the main thing they've done so far is help me to see more clearly how screwed up my life is.

Yes, things are getting better - but there's so far to go. I feel like I can't possibly make up for the problems of the past - tangible problems like debt, as well as relationships, friendships, family, etc.

8 or 9 months doesn't even start to put all that back together, and I often doubt that there's any real hope for me developing those things now or in the future. Maybe I'll be out of debt in five years, but will I have a family? Very doubtful.

Diagnosis, meds, counseling - all nice and good. But the patterns are worn deep...

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]Muse, Seeker, Loganmom, Nineteen and Chinchilla...Have any of you been diagnosed with AD/HD or on meds at this time?

I recommend you who have not been diagnosed to seek help with a diagnoses and counseling, and to those dx and on meds, to seek counseling, if not already doing do ... which I feel is very important in helping yourself, whether on meds or not.

I wish you all the best of luck. [/QUOTE]

believe me I need more than luck. I have just awful health insurance, dh (who I really can't stand) hasn't had a real job since last July and I work in a crappy job (which goes along with the whole ADD thing, as I understand). I am taking the steps, I've only just begun, and I don't know how far I will get as I can't afford (literally no money and the bills I have I don't even pay) counseling etc. I have no management of the money that I do make. It's gone within a day or two of getting my paycheck and I have nothing to show for it and have no idea what I've spent my moeny on.

just babbling. I'm having a really rough time of it lately. My 6 yo son has serious emotional/behavioral problems and I'm working on getting him diagnosed as well as my 16 yo dd, whose therapist recommended she also see a neurologist.

Muse, Seeker, Loganmom, Nineteen and Chinchilla...Have any of you been diagnosed with AD/HD or on meds at this time?

I lived over 50 years undiagnosed....very depressed and self-medicated for many years with alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc. I then would idealize about suicide, but never atttemped. I also thought, what's the point? These were all due to my not understanding there was a reason I was so different, so unhappy, so lonely from rejection.

Being diagnosed has changed my life. I only recently began medication for ADHD. Like Chatter, I've seen changes for the better, although my house is still not clean.

Just understanding why my life was as it's been, unable to keep relationships, jobs, unable to effectively communicate, etc., has been the largest help in making changes. Realizing I'm not stupid, lazy, or crazy.

I recommend you who have not been diagnosed to seek help with a diagnoses and counseling, and to those dx and on meds, to seek counseling, if not already doing do ... which I feel is very important in helping yourself, whether on meds or not.

The forum has also been very therapeutic for me, just relating to others who are like myself.

I wish you all the best of luck.

GypsyWomyn38501.6374537037I find myself pushing people away, then feeling bad that I'm alone and I'm never really sure if I actually did push them away, or did they leave me and it's just easier to deal with if I see it as my decision?

I've been on ADHD meds for about 8 or 9 months now, and I can see that I've changed quite a bit already - physically and emotionally/mentally - for the better. I'm calmer, less depressed, my bills are paid on time, my house is much cleaner - I even lost some weight and my skin cleared up (the meds helped me to stop picking at it!).

But that's 8 or 9 months. There are about 38 years before that I feel like I'm dragging along behind me. There are the people I know I alienated, the jobs that didn't work out, relationships few, far between, and failed. Sometimes it just seems like too much - I screwed things up too badly and I'll never dig myself out of this hole.

I'm way in debt thanks to credit cards, medical bills, and school loans - to the point that I literally cannot afford to have a social life. So even though I'm more "socially acceptable" now, I don't have the means to do a lot with it. Great.

Sometimes everything seems like a huge drag and what's the point? All I'm doing is getting older!

I got a teaching credential a few years ago, just in time for "No Child Left Behind" - as a result I don't have a regular job. I'm substitute teaching - no one around here is hiring teachers. It's the worst and the best thing I ever did. The worst because I'm broke and my job prospects are beyond bleak. The best because the students give me hope and purpose and remind me that even when it seems like everything has been taken from you, there is always hope for something more. There might not be anything more, but there is always hope...
There are times when I don't want to be around those closest to me and then I feel guilty for pushing them away when they try to say hello or ask me about my day. When I don't want to be around them I feel like an awful person...these are people that love me and care about me and I don't like the way I treat them. I don't feel suicidal right now but I deffinitely don't feel happy. [QUOTE=seeker63] ...
in fact, for years i avoided caffeine after noon because i would stay up too late, my mind buzzing on overdrive. i no longer avoid caffeine late. it doesn't keep me up at all. what i think happened was that in avoiding caffeine after noon, it was wearing off, and i'd be back to my overstimulated old self in the evening.BLOCKQUOTE][/QUOTE]
That very well could be. I know I will drink a strong cup of coffee nights that I just can't get sleepy, and I'm off in la la land w/i 30 minutes!

Chinchilla...oops, sorry, I realized afterwards you had answered my question in your previous post. Whatta want? I'm ADHD!

gypsywomyn- yes and sort of yes.

i am on wellbutrin xl. while it has helped lift some of the darkness of my depression, i still am having lots of add symptoms, and the effects of three decades of depression still linger.

as i type this, my leg is bouncing almost uncontrollably, and i feel like a rocket about to take off.

the doctor i have seen was a little skeptical about an ADD dx, but all my research indicates i am add and not bi-polar. i have depression, but no manic episodes. most of the things that could go in the mania category occur while i'm depressed, and i have never really gone overboard with grandiose ideas or behaviour.

i think mostly because i was honest about past drug use he may have ben suspicious that i was after controlled substances. but i have never sought out stimulants. i was always keenly aware that i did not need any more stimulation. cocaine and speed for instance, didn't really do all that much for me.

in fact, for years i avoided caffeine after noon because i would stay up too late, my mind buzzing on overdrive. i no longer avoid caffeine late. it doesn't keep me up at all. what i think happened was that in avoiding caffeine after noon, it was wearing off, and i'd be back to my overstimulated old self in the evening.

I was weaning myself under the care of a physican and a pharmacist. They wanted me to go from 50mgs to 25mgs for a week and then be done. Whatever. I dont' think they took into consideration that I was on one form or another of an SSRI for ten years. I am now doing it MY way, and I feel much better. I am taking the weaning process much slower. wow....i thought i was the only one...i just told my doctor today that if it
wasn't for my three year old little princess i would off myself. life is difficult
and sometimes i wish i could stop everything and check myself into a clinic
and get some help...but. as we all know, life goes on and there a bills to pay.

good topic...thank you.[QUOTE=thejestersmuse]

I dont know if anyone will relate, or want me commited for this, but it has to come out. Sorry.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Zach, you're friendly King of the Clowns.

[/QUOTE] Dude you've just described the my month from hell. I have had these episodes multiple times in my life. I've used the psych ward in the past to escape to. It's a safe place to regroup and runaway to that place in my mind. Haven't had to do that in quite some time, but may be overdue.

Zach,

YES ! I feel like that a lot here lately !! And I am a wife and a mother of 2 beautiful children ! I have no right to feel that way, but yet I still do !!

I would never put you down or give you sympathy, I agree, that is not what we need. But I want to let you know that I feel the same way as you OFTEN, even though I love life most of the time, and wouldn't want to miss a thing, sometimes I wonder if my husband and children wouldn't be better off without me around at all. I am not a benefit to them whatsoever, more of a hinderance actually !!

Love and kisses to you,

Be strong.

Mia

USA