Abuse and controlling | ADHD Information

Thank you so much.. I know I did a terrible thing.. and I know it's a crime. I am grateful she did not report me. She did not want me to loose my job and loose everything. I don't think I could have been so nice.
She is an incredible person all around and that's why I love her so much.
Thank you for believing in me. Patience and progress.
The hardest task ever for me..
D...
Hi Ufoureah,

It seems like you are doing all you can to help yourself the right way. Many don't even do that so it shows you care.

Also, if she was in love with you, even if you don't see it or don't know it, she's hurting too and trying to figure out how to go forward or how to deal with the situation. She needs time at her own pace and you also seem so very respectful of that. It's hard, I know. You're hurting too. You both probably are. Maybe she won't ever come back. I hate to say that because I know you're hurting and have paid dearly already.

It takes a big person to have helped her out to get her own place the way you did.

It hurts so bad when the heart is aching. It's a horrible ugly hurt and pain. Feels worse then crap. Sleeping at night sucks. You wonder what that other person is doing, if they have met someone, if they are doing this or that. It just hurts badly. We wish this and we wish that. We pray for this and we pray for that. We want that person back in our lives so bad we can almost taste it, the aching is beyond painful. Many, if not all, have had that happen to us.

The only thing that one can do at that point, and as much as it sucks, is to just do our best to focus on ourselves and hope the best for the other person. Sucks, I know but it's the truth. We can't change anyone or make anyone do this or that, but we can work on ourselves, keep going forward, keep bettering ourselves. We can make our weaknesses our strengths, push negative thoughts out of our heads, cry in our pillows as that's not a bad thing, but we can't go back in time to change what's been done.

We can stay busy, fall asleep with the tv on, remove photos that were out of us with our significant other or of the significant other--only because it just makes the day less painful seeing the reminders, not out of spite. It's less painful, or at least it can possibly make it less painful.

We can walk away with a very paiful yet very serious growth experience to learn from and be better as a result of it.

Patience and progress, very important things in life and you know what, life is a never ending learning experience.

When I was younger, I thought I knew so much, then when I got older, I thought I knew so much, in ten years from now, I'll realize I didn't know as much as I thought I did.

Stay busy as often as you can. That may help if only a little. As much as we want to we just can't change a person, how they feel, their choices.

Maybe some information on this link will help you, scrolling down there are a lot of topics about relationship situations:

http://www.bpdresources.com/end.html#Hoover

I wish I could offer more. Personal growth can certainly stink and hurt at times but we all go through it and have experienced pain.

Maybe some of these links might offer a little bit of comfort, maybe not.

Good luck to you and I hope I haven't offended you at all. I didn't mean to, just know that.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_ breakup.htm

http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Abuse/accountabi lity.shtml

http://www.ojar.com/view_3386.htm

Wow.. In a weird way, I'm kinda proud of this thread.

Though I never meant it to turn into this hugely debated, 11-page slugfest, it's cool to know that my intuition about Dog's motives were not unfounded. And as negative as this thread has been, it still feels good to know that there are people who understand my opinions, 'agreeingly' or not.. ( I think I just made up a word! Call the Webster folks..)

Either way ufoureah, I am totally on your side. And I think everyone else here is too. I know from experience that it is very easy to give up on yourself when the going gets rough.. I've done it many times myself. But each time I did, I learned... I learned the hard way that giving up isn't an option.

My advice.. Learn everything you can about adhd and the co-morbidities (tag-a-long disorders) that frequently exist with it. The more you personally know about your disorder, the better understanding you will have of yourself and your entire life. I agree with many posters here (if I am reading them correctly)... Start understanding yourself, and many other problematic situations in your life will become glaringly obvious; and thus solvable.

My 2 cents. I wish you all the best.

Ufoureah...although one of the links Goldenmoment referred you to is about relationships and BPD, she isn't suggesting you have BPD....but the symptoms are very similar, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and emotion regulation. So it may be helpful to read, as well. And I know, since I do have both ADHD and BPD!

You're going to do just fine!GypsyWomyn38509.7588541667[QUOTE=Evvy]

it's cool to know that my intuition about Dog's motives were not unfounded. [/QUOTE]

What does this mean?

sounds to me like the issues are far deeper than ADHD. i'd start diving into your childhood, unless your looking to continue the cycle.

you may want to look into "projection" as related to human psychology.

what you do speaks so loud i cannot hear what you say........
unbreakable38505.8917013889ok gang this is the deal.... I am new to this ADD business, just diagnosed last Friday.. I have no clue... I just wanted to find out is I had other issues as well. you have to understand my partner moved in with a 14 year old kid who had no rules, no assigned bedtime, it was a free for all. the lived in a house where the kids ruled the coop. mom would clean the house 15 minutes later it was trashed. My home is orderly. we mde a rule, her room was to be picked up once a week, the rest of the house was to be kept neat and we assigned her little chores and she had a bedtime. Mom was still lax, the kid liked the structure, mom got offended. yes I was wrong, she is not my kid, but kids need rules and she wasn't following thru, no homework was done you name it, there was just no structure. i was stressed, I took over the mother role, for 4 months every day was astruggle, i would ask her mom, does she have homework, did she do her chores, you name it it was exshausting. I believe in following through. I think I have a bit of obsessive stuff going on too. anyway, mom withdrew emotionally and sexually, and after 2 weeks I made a nice romantic bath, and we had wine and went to bed early and when I approached her she said no again. she did say oh go ahead, but I'll have to fantasize about someone else Like I did the last 2 times. we got into an argument she tried to walk away and I pulled her back, she started swinging her arms, and me being in the medical field, I restained her arms and accidently had her arms arround her neck, creating this choking effect. i was stressed, I was out of control... I feel lousy. I lost my family...
Iam getting serious help, like i said, she is doing nothing yet. juust living day to day. I gave her 00 to move out and start a life and bought her a washer and dryer to get started. Iam not an abuser. iam not buying her or trying to make good. I know i have to earn my forgiveness and in time trust. I have even gone so far as to go volunteer at a women's shelter so that I can see what it's like for these poor women, so that I can feel my ex'es pain and kind of understand what she is going thru. Iam remorseful, i feel like crap. do you know that none of the 45 women that live at the shelter have gotten an apology from the amn that abused them for years and years and years. It doesn't make me feel better. But I think that my self control and impulses were scewed by this ADD.
Iam not an angry person, i was stressed to the max. and Iam learning all the tools to better handle things if iam ever in a situation like that again.
you have to understand Iam very attractive and Iam sure it has to do with my ego as well. So tell me, is rage also part of this ADD business, not having self control, not thinking of consequences etc. iam going to start doing family of origin stuff. so that is going to really wake up some major stuff.
Thankl you all..
D...
[QUOTE=Evvy] I really wish that someone would start telling fart jokes or something and kill this thread!

[/QUOTE]

LOL!!! Don't worry, Evvy, we've all had moments we wish we could delete IN REAL LIFE!! LOL!!!! It's ok.

OK not a fart but who doesn't love watching a horse sh*t??????

P.S. My avatar is picking it's nose

UFOUREAH...D..I'm glad you finally replied. I thought for sure we scared you away forever!

Things don't always get so heated/carried away like this.

The important thing is you recognized there is something about yourself you need to change, and seem to be taking the right road to helping yourself Bon chance!
UFOUREAH--one thing we all do know around here, a broken heart sucks big time.

Sorry UFOUREAH, I figured you weren't watching the thread anymore. Sorry about the farting...

Evvy38506.0025462963[QUOTE=Evvy][QUOTE=GypsyWomyn] [QUOTE=Evvy]

The only chip on my shoulder is aimed at closed minded people who make unsubstantiated statements and then cannot affectively argue their point.

Unsubstantiated claims - do you even understand this phrase?

Admittedly I made the mistake of letting myself get upset over some dumb comment and then retorting to it sarcastically.

Or, perhaps you are just trying to be controlling here also.

I do not regret the debate that I have started and still stand by my argument, which boils down (in a round-a-bout ADHD'er way) to the fact that noone here can disprove my notion that an ADHD'er with anger issues could possibly be more vulnerable to lashing out than any other person with anger issues.

However, when you abuse another person that is and always has been your CHOICE and add is NOT an excuse for it period.

I honestly think that most of you flamers read a few lines of my posts, hyper-focused on certain comments and made your judgement calls from there. I don't condone violence, adhd or not. But I do believe that if there were ever to be a real study conducted of two people with equal anger issues, the adhd'er will be statistically more likely to lash out. Agree or disagree, but don't go to another board and say "Hey everyone, let's go bash on this guy cause he pissed me off."

When people turn add into an excuse, it puts all of us down who actually have it. I felt that it was important for you to be informed that your opinions were just that - your opinions, but not the experience of most people with add and that is why I directed people to your comments.

And thank you to those here who can at least see my point, whether or not you agree with it. Please don't peg me as a trouble starter, as I look forward to many interesting, thought provoking and even goofy conversations with many of you.

I don't see you as someone with whom I'd want to have a real conversation. Thanks anyway.

[/QUOTE] Have we forgotten why this topic was begun in the first place? It seems to me she was asking for help and has been moved aside for what appears to be for the argumentive enjoyment of some here. I, personally, am embarrassed if this mentality is what an AD/HDer coming here to seek help has found.

[quote=TheDog]When people turn add into an excuse, it puts all of us down who actually have it. I felt that it was important for you to be informed that your opinions were just that - your opinions, but not the experience of most people with add and that is why I directed people to your comments[/quote]
I'm sorry, but in my OPINION, one can speak for themself, but I just can't see how one can speak for "most people who have add" as to whether
they have 'experienced' something or not. I also don't understand why someone would want to continue adding fuel to a debate that was clearly at an end.

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]Have we forgotten why this topic was begun in the first place? It seems to me she was asking for help and has been moved aside for what appears to be for the argumentive enjoyment of some here. I, personally, am embarrassed if this mentality is what an AD/HDer coming here to seek help has found.

Gypsy, why are you embarassed of what I choose to do. We really need to have clear boundaries here. For you to be embarassed of my expressed opinions that are based on my experience both personally and professionally, doesn't make sense. You have mentioned previously in the public forum that you also have borderline personality disorder, perhaps that is part of what is coming out here but I don't and I prefer some boundaries.

It is true that I have strong feelings about domestic violence and add, and I will not lay down and pretend that add is an excuse for domestic violence. It certainly isn't "argumentive enjoyment" as you have stated. I have expressed my opinions because I am quite familiar with both of these topics.

[quote=TheDog]When people turn add into an excuse, it puts all of us down who actually have it. I felt that it was important for you to be informed that your opinions were just that - your opinions, but not the experience of most people with add and that is why I directed people to your comments[/quote]
I'm sorry, but in my OPINION, one can speak for themself, but I just can't see how one can speak for "most people who have add" as to whether
they have 'experienced' something or not.

I actually know several people who have add. Most of the people I know who have add are not domestic abusers.

I also don't understand why someone would want to continue adding fuel to a debate that was clearly at an end.

If you want to drop it, then drop it.

[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Evvy]

Wow, some support.�

And unlike 'TheDog',�I didn't even have to rally others from scatterbrained.net to mindlessly bash anyone on my behalf!�� Nice.� Now I really have respect for those posters..�

Had I realized that I was arguing with a mob mentality, I wouldn't have wasted my time.� But hey,�good times right?� Morons.

[/QUOTE]
At least those 'others' haven't stooped to your level of name calling.

Evvy, the way I see it, even if we (including you) were all to agree on any topic, you probably would still get bent out of shape just because others didn't express themselves exactly as you would have.

And sadly, it does seems that when others...heaven forbid...have an opinion different from yours, you still get bent out of shape. My suggestion is to look into getting that chip on your shoulder surgically removed!

[QUOTE=Evvy]

Had I realized that I was arguing with a mob mentality, I wouldn't have wasted my time. But hey, good times right? Morons.

[/QUOTE]

Then why the heck are you responding now? Your post says one thing but your actions say the opposite. You make no sense.

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn] [QUOTE=Evvy]

Wow, some support.

And unlike 'TheDog', I didn't even have to rally others from scatterbrained.net to mindlessly bash anyone on my behalf! Nice. Now I really have respect for those posters..

Had I realized that I was arguing with a mob mentality, I wouldn't have wasted my time. But hey, good times right? Morons.

Wow.. Let's see who started name calling.

http://cgi.markgoode.force9.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=511

The only chip on my shoulder is aimed at closed minded people who make unsubstantiated statements and then cannot affectively argue their point. Admittedly I made the mistake of letting myself get upset over some dumb comment and then retorting to it sarcastically. That was below me and I regret it only because it was childish. I do not regret the debate that I have started and still stand by my argument, which boils down (in a round-a-bout ADHD'er way) to the fact that noone here can disprove my notion that an ADHD'er with anger issues could possibly be more vulnerable to lashing out than any other person with anger issues. I honestly think that most of you flamers read a few lines of my posts, hyper-focused on certain comments and made your judgement calls from there. I don't condone violence, adhd or not. But I do believe that if there were ever to be a real study conducted of two people with equal anger issues, the adhd'er will be statistically more likely to lash out. Agree or disagree, but don't go to another board and say "Hey everyone, let's go bash on this guy cause he pissed me off."

Doesn't that make you feel a little silly? Either way, I won't tolerate it.

Evvy38505.8021527778the fact that noone here can disprove my notion that an ADHD'er with anger issues could possibly be more vulnerable to lashing out than any other person with anger issues.

Evvy, if I'm not mistaken, many of us HAVE agreed with you on this 'notion.' As I said, you are probably upset because we just didn't express it in the same way as you have. So I'm sorry that you have misunderstood us, also.

Of course, an ADHDer with anger issues could possibly be more vulnerable to lashing out.

Fini

I'd also reconsider getting mad enough to make threats (I read it as a threat anyway?) like on that other forum that sent your flamers here.
C'mon man, seriously, some perspective. Only a goofy web forum, even when the topic is serious.
This isn't gonna be one of those topics that go on forever and ever is it. LOL I'm getting Kandy flashbacks already.

Honestly can't think of anything else that needs to be said on either side of the debate. Not like that has stopped us before when we all start arguing.

We have a history on this board of fighting about topics for 30 pages or more, yet looking back you really only need to read the first and last page to understand the entire 30 pages.

Now I just need to decide if I will ignore this thread as it grows larger and larger and giggle to myself or just copy and paste my thoughts from page one onto page 8, 12, 15, ...etc

(that would be such a time saver wouldn't it.)

Well, I have found that I sometimes get upset with my roommate's cat if she doesn't want me to pet her and sometimes I can be rough. Actually, though I changed my behavior or I am changing it. I realized that is something from my mother. I am examining my critical voice, because our critical voices have something to tell us, there is something to resolve. I believe we should listen and accept our faults and change.

Hey, I actually read thru this entire post...as long as it is... :)

My few cents... As someone who has ADD along with control issues...in my experience, the 2 aren't really related. My control issues stem from issues in my past, and my psychiatrist helps me work thru those issues. My ADD does impact how I respond to things though, but I'm still responsible for what I do.

My ADD may cause some impulsiveness, but there are still lines. Things that are harmful to other people (and yes, to ourselves as well) or illegal...well, those things aren't OK...ADD or not. A drunk driver is still guilty is he kills another driver....a person declared insane, perm or temp, is not excused and allowed to do what one pleases because he/she can't help it.... and I can't use my ADD as an excuse for being late to work every day or missing a deadline.

People say things in anger....but it shouldn't be a pattern in a healthy relationship. If my BF tried to choke me, he'd be doing a heck of a lot to get me to feel safe to be around him... and if I tried to choke him, same thing.... heck, I'd be afraid of myself. So, the bottom line, getting help and being open to all things is the right thing to do. But it was easy to get the impression that the ADD was blamed for the violence, and I don't think that's fair to say. It may contribute to the ease of it happening, but it isn't the root cause.

I had a hissy fit last night and kicked 2 holes in my wall. As irrational as I was being, I knew better than to kick my BF, my dogs, my aquariums, etc... The only way that violence would be directed at another person would be if I felt physcially threatened...or if someone wouldn't back off after a period of time and made me feel cornered....but I still cannot imagine doing anything but wanting to at least get away, not actually hurt the person...just make them stop.

Also, I have been in a relationship where the guy I dated was very controlling...and I was the meek GF. He never physically hurt me, but we pushed each others buttons all the time. I'd get tired of his control or see him getting 'bored' and I'd piss him off....then he'd go off...then I'd feel bad & he'd feel bad...and the cycle continued. He will always be the bigger a-hole in that relationship for various reasons, but I wasn't un-guilty either...I fuled the fire, too. So I see that side in what you said, I would be concerned that the angry comments may be a similar fuel.

I hope things work out for you, and hopefully your relationship.

People here have dealt with ADD for a long time, and I know for me....it's easy to get defensive about my ADD....esp with so many people not believing in it or understanding...and so many incorrect views that people have on it (an excuse for laziness/impulsiveness/etc)...and I take the time to overcome those things, not use it as an excuse. Also, you were diagnosed 6 mo's ago? I'm not saying you are, but ADD is mis-diagnosed or co-exists w/ other disorders...plus issues we all have from childhood and our past...I still think the violence stems from more than just the ADD...some other factors help make that easier. (My mom was violent, as a child, I learned violence was how to express hurt or anger....but I know it's wrong, at the same time. I have to learn how to express and control that response in myself, because i "have" to.)

Ok, I'm done rambling. :)

This is deeper than ADHD. It has to do with a deep rage. Someone did something to you when you were younger. You need to examine yourself. Of course, deep frustration that often accompanies ADHD can aggravate whatever problem you have. I personally take GABA which calms my system down and I also meditate and look inside myself and reprogram myself on a NLP level. I know I am not perfect, and I accept that so I can change. I also have faith I can do better...aEvvy38505.9290625

[QUOTE=The Resistance!]I'd also reconsider getting mad enough to make threats (I read it as a threat anyway?) like on that other forum that sent your flamers here.
C'mon man, seriously, some perspective. Only a goofy web forum, even when the topic is serious.
[/QUOTE]

Not a threat in any physical sense. I was just letting 'those' people know that I could flame back about a thousand times worse if push came to shove.

I would never start a war like that, but I'm not one to lay down and take it either; especially when I feel that I'm being unfairly attacked.

Either way, I agree to disagree with my opposers on this subject. And hey, didn't ya see the scatterbrained forum? We are all friends now! I asked Gypsy to delete my post there and everythings all snuggly and happy over there. So c'mon.. Come give uncle Evvy a big hug and smooch...

Evvy38505.9288425926I really wish that someone would start telling fart jokes or something and kill this thread!

Ok then, nuff said.

NEXT!!!

Could that be you came from a controlling mom. If she didn't teach you things and did it all for you.No wonder!I believe parents are teachers also. Kids will do what they are taught at home also. Expect housework from kids than they are learning how to be a Adult one day. Do for them and learn obnoxious behavior. This is what James Leahman's the total transformation also says. The legal criteria for holding someone accountable for criminal actions is whether they know right from wrong or should have known. This is why drunk drivers go to jail. No one is doubting that drunk drivers have impaired thinking, just like no one should doubt it is more tempting for people with ADHD to react violently when provoked. It is estimated in several studies that ADHD makes up about 25% of inmates in prison. However to react violently is still a conscious choice. There are other options such as taking a walk, going to a friend's house or calling the crisis line. To say that one 'has no control' over violent actions is not true, it is just that control is more *difficult* to exercise when you have ADHD and are angry.

Sigh.. if anyone can quote me as saying that "ADHD causes or is an excuse for domestic violence" then I'll kiss some major butt.

I think that ADHDMD sums up my point pretty well and I'll leave it at that.

Christ, all of this because I felt some empathy for someone.

Evvy38505.2964930556 with a sentence like: I'll sleep with you but fantasize about someone else....
Someone who is ordinarily kind and affectionate might just go nutty....

I would imagine that this comment was not a one time nasty slip of the tongue?

Maybe the woman who made that comment is emotionally abusive??

Original Poster: Choking is inexcusable, but you don't seem to be the only guilty one.

wow! this thread is really contentious.

i think there are two views here that seem opposite, but are not.

i am so relieved that i'm not the only add'er with temper rage issues. it has been a great source of pain to me that i have had such a short fuse.

i have scared family members, mates, and my kids. i have probably crossed the line when it comes to possible abuse. seeing my effect on those i love propelled me to seek help. the only good part about it is that i get over it quickly. the worst part is that those i have raged against/around do not get over it quickly. in some cases the hurt lingers years beyond the incident.

o.k.- domestic violence is just that. it is inexcusable to treat another human being that way. if we are in danger of doing that, or are guilty of it, we must get some type of intervention.

if the violence is a side effect of the impulsiveness and low frustration level many of us are subject to due to our add, again, we must get some type of intervention.

where these issues cross is at the point of realizing our behaviour and actions were bad. if we are add, we may not be bad as people despite the sometimes awful things we can be guilty of.

you may not be able to forgive the act, you may not be able to live with the consequences of your action. but you can forgive yourself and be forgiven if you take responsibilty for your choices and allow the truth to guide your future.

just because we're impulsive and short fused doesn't give us a free pass. it does give us an avenue to change and eliminate the hurtful actions we choose. (even if the choice was poorly made, or not thought through.)

UFOUREAH stated in her post she is remorseful. she also stated she is seeking treatment. this is what anyone that has troubles preventing the feeling of rage from becoming an act of rage should do.

the last thing i have to say on this, is that there were some other relationship dynamics aggravating the situation. we (well, i) have to be really careful without someone pushing our buttons, as frequently happens in intimate relationships.

i envy anyone who has the rages, but doesn't go so far as to be a danger to a loved one. i usually have only taken my frustration out on inanimate objects (like mark's door incident). but occasionally, i have been stressed enough and provoked in just that way that the fear response (like the fear a child has when threatened by the idea that she may lose that crucial acceptance a child needs from her parents. the whole 'you won't love me anymore' dynamic) kicks in and adds gasoline to the fire. that it seems like only the hand of god switches on the light that let's me know i'm going too far.

First, I think the moralizing on this topic is kinda nasty.

Who hasn't been angry?

I just checked both the Hallowell book and the 'You mean Im not Crazy...' book, both discuss ADD symptoms of rage and poor impulse control. Do the math. I've felt like hitting pretty much everyone at some point in my life. Instead I turn it inward and get self destructive.....much better eh?

Sonya, I totally agree. I am VERY aware of my limit for stress and anger. I know how to cope with it, walk away and let it go by myself. I have had several relationships where my significant other is the kind of 'DONT WALK AWAY FROM ME' and will trap me in a corner to get my feedback.

Ok, picture this, I'm angry, flustered, I am completely unable to articulate my feelings or anything vaguely coherent as all of this crap flashes through my brain and I know that my limit has gone.

(sorry, this isnt toy time I'm being honest here). Yes, my first reaction is to STOP THE PAIN, animal instinct, the brain stem reaction to lash out. I can hear the blood pound in my ears and I get tunnel visioned and I can't breathe. There is very little thought and all I hear is white noise. DO I?

1) punch the person in the face or cause a great deal of long term damage to the offending person.

OR

2) physically remove the other person from the space they are invading so I can escape and deal with my anger in a non-destructive and non-physical way. Yes, I admit that I have physically picked up people, both men and women to remove them from my path of escape so I can go deal with things with ripping there heads off.

I have been lucky in that I generally retain enough control to take option 2, and when its calm I sit and explain very very clearly the reason why everything just happened and would they, next time, please pay attention to the 'please let me go and think and calm down' pleas that I repeated over and over for 10 minutes while they repeatedly stood right in front of my face screaming and demanding I answer their questions while not letting me move physically away from them.

Little story:

When I was just Lil' Fallen in grade school there was a little kid who would hit me every day with his briefcase. It didnt hurt but it was annoying. I would ask the little kid to stop, every day. The little kid didnt want to listen. One day Lil' Fallen snaps, in the classroom, and wails on briefcase kid. Lil' Fallen is physically restrained by the teacher. After convincing the teacher that he was ok they let Lil' Fallen go. Lil' Fallen calmly reached forward, grabbed Briefcase kids fingers and snapped them. And never got hit with that briefcase again.

Of course, the school principle heard about this, dragged me out of class and dressed me down in front of everyone by telling me that he looked forward to seeing me on the evening news in 20 years for killing a bunch of people. That was the last time I snapped and caused long term physical damage to another person. I stress the other person part.

We can sit and nod our heads sagely and talk about how bad Domestic violence is and how anyone who has performed an act of it is damned to hell or we can be realistic.

We are human. We get angry. Anger is from the old brain, the lizard brain. And like any animal, when cornered or trapped, it'll instinctively want to lash out.

More info about me. I am a professional wrestler, and a professional wrestling manager. I am the bad guy. My job is to make people angry, and I've gotten good at it. I can take normal, sane people who like to say 'I know its all fake' and make them riot. I have had death threats, I have had people grab me at shows, try to hit me with sticks, drinks, been spat on.

What is the point of this? In relationships there are many kinds of people, some mixtures dont work and anyone can be pushed into a position where they will act without thinking.

Please, dont twist what i'm saying into "the abused person is asking for it" as I'm assuming we're all thinking adults who can use their ADD perceptiveness to understand exactly what I'm saying rather than acting on a purely defensive "I would never ever think of committing a violent act!" kind of rubbish that allows domestic abuse to continue being an hidden issue - but thats a rant for an entirely different day.

I apologize if this post ruffles feathers but it's the truth of things from my personal experience.

Has anyone thought about the fact that ADD/ADHD or low seratonin is not a cause but a factor? There is a big difference between the two. For any of us to go back and forth as to who is right it doesn't really make sense. We do not know all of the factors that played into the situation. I am NOT condoning violence in any way.

The only factor here that I think we should all be paying attention to is the fact that UFOUREA is remorseful and is seeking help.

BTW I appreciate Fallen's honesty here. And truth be told I think that Fallen has found an outlet to his possible violent tendencies. I think that is what makes the difference between those who take it out on others and those who don't.

Also, as a person who has been abused and has abused others (in the past) puting another person in fear of being harmed is a form of abuse. Sometimes it can be worse because the other person is wondering in the back of their mind, "when is it going to happen, when is he/she going to snap?" I can remember the emotional abuse I suffered a lot more than I can remember the physical. I'm not condoning, I'm just saying that those who say they rage on objects, infront of the other person, but never hit the person is okay vs. the person who actually hit. Neither is a good thing.

[QUOTE=TheDog]

Again, ADHD is NOT an excuse for domestic violence - Domestic violence was your CHOICE.

If you have found a psychiatrist who is telling you that adhd was the cause of the domestic violence I'd love to report them to the medical board. Please post the name and state of that psychiatrist - if that person exists ...

[/QUOTE]

It was I who stated that my ad/hd along with depression was causing me to tend towards a violent nature.

Yet and still, true, it was MY CHOICE. that's also why it was MY CHOICE to high-tail it to the psych to get help in order to learn to control my anger.

You CAN curtail this behavior. one way or the other, it is controllable. either by stopping what you are doing, or going to get help if you find that you cannot stop.

My ad/hd was tending to make me loose impulse in a highly tense situation at my husband.

But let me explain what it was that would make me snap.

I would try to walk away, but my husband would always follow me. I never was violent growing up because my parents taught me to walk it off until I cooled off. But after I got married, when I tried to walk off, my husband would literally corner me and not allow me to go anywhere and I would just have to sit there and listen to him rant and rave. When I could not take it anymore, I would try to leave, and he would grab me to keep me from leaving, and this is when I would snap--because i NEEDED my space to cool down, and he would not allow it....

After I got help from my shrink, and sat down and talked with my husband and forced him to understand that WHEN I'M MAD, I NEED SPACE!! that is when the situation calmed down a lot, and I never had this problem again.

Again, the reason why this is now in control for me is because I said YES, I HAVE THE PROBLEM. I CAN'T GO ON THIS WAY. I NEED HELP.

I snapped when I felt cornered, and he would not let me leave. But I don't know if I would snap just from some one saying something to me.

I think that whether or not ad/hd is affecting your anger tantrums and attacks is very circumstancial. Depending on the situation, (which for each person is different) and how your ad/hd affects you personally (which also varies greatly from individual to individual) I would not personally rule out the affects of ad/hd on the tendency to be violent.

However YES, it IS a choice. YOu CAN control what you are doing, because it is in YOUR power to go seek help if you find this is a problem for you....

[QUOTE=Evvy]

Sigh.. if anyone can quote me as saying that "ADHD causes or is an excuse for domestic violence" then I'll kiss some major butt.[/QUOTE]

Wow, some support.

And unlike 'TheDog', I didn't even have to rally others from scatterbrained.net to mindlessly bash anyone on my behalf! Nice. Now I really have respect for those posters..

Had I realized that I was arguing with a mob mentality, I wouldn't have wasted my time. But hey, good times right? Morons.

Evvy38505.6259375

People use some very interesting tactics to try and control what other people say and do. Most of these tactics are obnoxious, (at best). There's no need to control others when you're in control of yourself, is there? Yeah, I know, easier said than done. If you already have something, the only thing you can really do is to give it away. It's only when you don't have it (or don't feel like you do) that you need to try and get it.

Reading through this thread has shown me one particular tactic that can be used to intimidate others and push their buttons to the point of closing down personal disclosure than could be helpful for an individual's growth. It is sad to see this happen, especially given where a person attempting to perpetrate this kind of intimidation is really coming from--a position of powerlessness.

The content isn't rhe real issue--it's actually more of a diversion. The real issue is the tactic and the impact it has on others--especially in a population sensitive to criticism from having experienced so much of it. It's useful, I think, to try and avoid getting caught up in the content and step back and look at the dynamics, or in this case, the tactics being employed.

People who are honestly involved in the content at hand, have no need to resort to tactics. Only those with an emotional agenda do that kind of thing. It's sad that people live in this kind of place, but the reality is that a lot do. It makes me want to cry sometimes but I'm also fed up with being at their mercy. I'm even less willing to put up with their nonsense when I'm fighting cancer, which I am now.

People who use this kind of control tactic aren't--for whatever reason--sufficiently emotionally developed to be worth taking seriously. Their opinion is therefore worthless to me. At least when they're behaving like this, ignoring them seems to be the most effective thing to do--no matter how many buttons they try to push. It's interesting to sit back and watch them trying their damdest to get others under their control--even moreso when they're not succeeding and are being ignored. It's almost funny in a sad sort of way.

oh god. are we gonna start it up again?

Sonya,

I don't think Evvy was trying to start anything up. I think Evvy was trying to say that she realizes that I always had positive motives.

[QUOTE=sachetm]

[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hear about your cancer. I'm sure that's a very difficult challenge. Best wishes on a successful fight against it.

Isn't it interesting that we can see concretely what someone does; however, as you know, it's impossible to know why someone does something that they do.

We can evaluate based on natural laws and human nature - People choose their own actions and attempt to get what they want, etc. We can speculate based on documented generalized patterns; for example, the cycle of domestic violence. The rest we learn from the information that is provided and what we pick up through other means.

Much of the rest is point of view. From my view, support is important and the best kind of support is the type that is honest and includes factual information that can make the statements clearer.

For example, in the short run it may seem supportive to agree that someone's impulse control problems caused domestic violence because that may make them feel better for the moment. However, it is much more supportive to consider the long run; a person is much less likely to actually have to go through the pain of having committed domestic violence again if they first acknowledge that the act was their choice.

Amen.

[QUOTE=TheDog]

[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hear about your cancer. I'm sure that's a very difficult challenge. Best wishes on a successful fight against it.

Thanks very much. So far, so good. Not the most fun thing but it also has a surprising up side.

Isn't it interesting that we can see concretely what someone does; however, as you know, it's impossible to know why someone does something that they do.

I agree. It's easy to ascribe motivations but impossible to know for sure unless you ask someone. Even then they may not know or may not tell you the truth, but it's the best you've got.

I like to look at it as the organisms efforts to fulfill two essential biological imperatives: survival of the individual and of the species. Amazing how ineffective so many of the strategies we choose are to fullfilling those imperatives!

Much of the rest is point of view. From my view, support is important and the best kind of support is the type that is honest and includes factual information that can make the statements clearer.

There's a big difference in my mind to being able to understand why one tends to behave as they do--especially when there's a physiological component to it--and once known, to use that component as an excuse. It is harder, sometimes impossible, for people with certain types of brain lesions to do things. That's just reality. However, with work, progress can be made. Some people are willing to make that effort to grow beyond their nature-endowed limitations so that they're not a handicap and others aren't and simply use them as an excuse for bad and/or lazy behavior. I do think it's important to make a differentiation between those who explain behavior in terms of physiological impairments (and brain scans, if done more routinely can confirm or deny) and so knowing, work to overcome those impairments and those who don't. While it's often difficult to make a sound clinical judgement or evaluation of the two positions, someone who's taking action such as participating in support groups, is a decent indication of a sincere effort to overcome the limits nature (and probably combined with the nurture component to exacerbate a possible genetic tendency) imposed.

In summary, I see a marked difference between "explanation" and "excuse." Perhpas we simply differ on this. Perhaps not. Or perhaps we differ on the signs to look for to tell the difference between the two, given the problem of ascribing motivation. But clinicians and legal folks have to start somewhere.

[/QUOTE] [quote=TheDog] a person is much less likely to actually have to go through the pain of having committed domestic violence again if they first acknowledge that the act was their choice. [/quote]
Yes, I agree, that is mostly likely true.
HOWEVER, Ufoureah has admitted what she did was wrong, and that what she did was a crime. She is VERY remorseful. And is even in therapy and getting help. She may have even admitted that while in therapy...who knows? May I ask why it is so important to YOU that she publically admit what she did was her CHOICE..using that exact word? Why must she acknowledge that to any of us? She's not on trial here. And it's not NECESSARY that she says anything here. Why does she HAVE to admit anything to us or YOU before you 'stop replying'? And yes, you did make that perfectly clear. Who are you, anyway, her saviour?

I'm worried about you...you spoke of boundaries...I would suggest (but am not telling you) to you take a good hard look at your own boundaries and priorities. Or perhaps get better management with your meds and therapy, if you are taking ADHD meds and/or getting therapy yourself (which most of us are, when possible). You've got a lot of people worried about you...but at least we are not putting words into your mouth or DEMANDING you admit anything...like perhaps you've carried way too far this issue of wanting to hear the exact words from UFOUREAH that she made a CHOICE!

To the other posters who came to support UFOUREAH: I realize TheDog has managed to make much of this thread about HER, and I admit I've probably just fed the fire, and apologize, but I just felt so compelled to say what I have said. I am ADHD, and I feel that MAY or MAY NOT be a REASON I wrote what I did, but I'm definitely not using it as an EXCUSE.
GypsyWomyn38510.5454166667 Sachetm:

i could not agree with your post MORE.

I think the best thing to do is what you suggest, to ignore the type of persons you describe, and continue with the topic at hand.

I also should add that, the best type of candidates to offer support to a certain type of group are ones who have BEEN through the issues before in the past, and therefore can relate.

For example: it is difficult for some one who HAS NO KNOWLEDGE of ad/hd and is not ad/hd to offer support to someone who is. If a person has no knowledge of ad/hd, and does not know what it is like to go through it cannot sufficiently offer understanding support to some one who is.......
I'm sure anyone who is ad/hd can relate; some one with NO KNOWLEDGE of ad/hd to try to come and offer support....unless the person is a JEWEL and a VERY UNDERSTANDING person, usually the advice does not work...."just do it"...or "just follow a schedule" seems very easy to do and seems very good advice, to an individual WITHOUT ad/hd...but all of us here who HAVE ad/hd knows that it's not that simple.

By the same token, some one who has had problem with being impulsivley violent in the past can relate to some one going through the same thing.....We have been there before....

But some one to some one who has NO KNOWLEDGE and NO EXPERIENCE with what it's like to be in such an angry state that they act in such an impulsive way wouLd NOT KNOW what it is like, and possibly WILL NOT be the best individual to offer support to another indivdual who has been in this situation.

that is what this board is for ......SUPPPOOORRRRTT.
not to bring the people here DOWN but to support one another.

Personally, I have no experience using illegal drugs. I know many of you have tried this in an attempt to self medicate your condition, either knowingly or unknowingly. Personally I can't understand what's so hard about saying no to drugs. BUT I KNOW THAT THIS IS INDEED A PROBLEM FOR SOME AD/HDERS even though it is not a problem that I personally have had. SO when a thread is posted up in the forum regarding the use of illegal drugs, I DO NOT GO INTO THAT FORUM PREACHING TO EVERYONE IN THERE HOW THEY ARE USING AD/HD AS AN EXCUSE TO DO DRUGS, AND DRUGS ARE BAD, AND YOU SHOULD NOT DO THEM, AND YOU MADE A CHOICE TO TAKE THEM, AND YOU PUT YOURSELF INTO THIS SITUATION AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH....

NO, i realize that this is a situation I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH, and therefore, i realize that I AM NOT THE BEST PERSON TO OFFER ADVICE TO SOME ONE WHO HAS BEEN IN THIS TYPE OF SITUATION BEFORE...THEREFORE, i stay out of the thread, or either i silently read them.....i know that i have nothing to offer....

i feel that the domestic violence threads should be treated the same way.....it does not help to preach at some one who already acknowledges that they were wrong and are whole-souled in trying to better themselves....

this is how i feel.
sonya_h38510.4393171296

I just wanted help..

D...

The line of where one disorder stops and another begins is blurry at best. The DSM gives it a shot, for clinical purposes, but the fact that it changes significantly from one version to the next reflects that it's not a fixed thing by any means. Also, two people could have similar problems and history and respond totally differently to different medications. It's just sticking with it until you find the right mix for you.

I'm more of an educational/cognitive psychologist type than a clinical psychologist so don't have a whole lot of experience with anger or domestic violence, but I do know that it tends to be inherited--socially and physically. If your same sex (or even the other sex) parent was controlling and tended toward violence, there's a mantra in education, "children learn what they live." That parent is a role model for you in how to behave in intimate relationships. You've also inherited your genes from your parents, so there's a double whammy if you're genetically disposed to a lack of impulse control in mitigating frustration and hurt or that's simply the style you're most familiar with in terms of how to get your way (which all living creatures want--survival of the individual and all that stuff).

I would guess that some medications would probably help. Getting the right "cocktail" for you, seems important. But talk therapy is also critical to help change those neuron patterns. Fortunately the brain is a highly flexible organ and in cases where there's no permanent damage, we can learn to change our behavior. The key, it seems to me, is motivation to make those changes and both of you who posted about having issues with anger, control, and violence, seem to want to make those changes.

In the case of the first poster, you may want to try couples counseling if your ex-partner has any interest in getting back together. While I see her telling you she would be fantasizing about someone else more as an attempt to turn you off and therefore, to stop you than to hurt you, she sounds like she's got some issues too that could benefit from counseling. If both of you are willing to work at your respective behaviors and you really love each other, this seems to me like the best way to go.

Oops, looks like I missed the second page before jumping in. Sorry about that.

I'm new here so am not sure of the board style. However, whatever it is, it seems like this conversation could provide a very useful learning experience for the people whose buttons got pushed by it: what pushed them, their favored response to that, other more productive responses, etc. That seems really useful to me, anyway. I would hope that helping each other is one of the things this board is about. If not, would someone kindly clue me in?

Thanks!

[QUOTE=UFOUREAH]

I just wanted help..

D...

[/QUOTE]

Well, I shouldn't let this little flame war put you off of everyone. These little fights break out occasionally, and we all hate each other for a few hours, but it doesn't last.

By the way, not many people who can claim that their first ever post started a fight, so you should be proud.

[QUOTE=dvirgo421]

The Dog, I believe GypsyWoman may be embarrassed about all of this garbage and mudslinging because she has used this forum often, for awhile, and feels invested in it. You may not feel the same about this site since you're new. I don't know, I'm only going off the lack of respect you have shown to others in here.

I have been here quite a while actually. I had a different screen name and then the board went down for a while and I couldn't remember my password so created another name. So, no your assumption was wrong - I'm not new.

Also, Gypsy is not a child. She is capable of stating her own opinions.

I have stated my opinions based on my experience. From my perspective, to disagree is not disrespectful. Is it difficult for you to deal with someone who has differing opinions from your own, and who doesn't bend and agree with you? If so, too bad.

So go ahead and start on me, The Dog (which btw I believe you are a dog, not The Dog but a dog). Give Evvy a break. Find a new bone to chew on and leave him alone.

If you want to drop it, then drop it. However, if you keep up with your put downs that make you sound like a 7 year old, then expect a reply.

Danielle

[/QUOTE]

Okay, so I was wrong. You've been here awhile I have no problem admitting it.

Yes Gypsy isn't a child and yes she can state her own opinions, I was stating my opinions when I wrote what I did about Gypsy. If she didn't agree or doesn't want me to butt in then she can tell me and I will be fine about it.

It is not difficult for me to deal w/others who have different opinions than I have. Actually it's funny you write that, because in my opinion you are the one who seems to have a problem w/others having different opinions than yours. I say this because it seems that anyone who has had a different opinion than you, you have been disrespectful to, or found others to sic on them. Like a pack of dogs. Similarities between your behavior and your name? Hmmm?

Oh and your narrow minded opinions and inability to be open to others' opinions make you sound like an ignorant fool. I would rather sound like I am 7 years old than sound like an ignorant fool ANYDAY.

I think the put downs started w/you not being able to reply in a kind, respectful way to others who had different opinions than you.

As for you knowing plenty of ppl w/ADD and none of them have been violent, here's one for you: I know plenty of ppl w/ADD and quite a few of them have had violent tendencies. Me included. It's not something I'm proud of, and it is something I have worked and and continue to work on--every day. Unfotunately I can't say that I had only one violent moment and started seeking help right after, like UFOUREA has, it took me having children and realizing I didn't want them to go through the hell I went through as a child for me to change.

So go ahead and start on me, The Dog (which btw I believe you are a dog, not The Dog but a dog). Give Evvy a break. Find a new bone to chew on and leave him alone.

Danielle

No hugs nor smooches for YOU!

This isn't a fart joke but:

You know, I answered that particular post over there and it was removed by a moderator.
Man I hate to be censored. It wasn't even very mean.

[QUOTE=Evvy]

Not a threat in any physical sense. I was just letting 'those' people know that I could flame back about a thousand times worse if push came to shove.

I would never start a war like that, but I'm not one to lay down and take it either; especially when I feel that I'm being unfairly attacked.

[/QUOTE]Let dead dogs lay. I'm done w/you. There is no reason to continue with you, you are not worth my time, and this thread has been beaten against a rock too many times. You can argue w/yourself.

[QUOTE=dvirgo421]Let dead dogs lay. I'm done w/you. There is no reason to continue with you, you are not worth my time, and this thread has been beaten against a rock too many times. You can argue w/yourself.[/QUOTE]

Yet again you sound like a 7 year old.

I will remind you once again - There is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence and more specifically ADD is NOT AN EXCUSE for domestic violence. This isn't going to change regardless of how many times you try to insult me - It just won't work and I think you get that now.

Now, will you please stop replying with your childish insults. If you want to discontinue the thread, then stop responding with your childish and irrational remarks.

[QUOTE=dvirgo421]

I think the put downs started w/you not being able to reply in a kind, respectful way to others who had different opinions than you.

[/QUOTE]

Once again you write like a 7 year old. And yes, as you probably know, you do sound ignorant.

There is nothing ignorant about believing that add is not an excuse for domestic violence. There are always stressful factors that make a relationship challenging whether its add or financial worries or difficulty with a child, and none of them are excuses for domestic violence. If you find this statement to be a put down, too bad.

GEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WILL YOU LET IT GO ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????

sonya_h38507.3124189815

oh, sorry people. that was my pregnant hormones speaking....

[QUOTE=sonya_h]

GEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WILL YOU LET IT GO ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????

[/QUOTE]

Sonya,

I will never give in on this one. ADD IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Domestic Violence is a crime, and people who commit that crime should be prosecuted.

If, however, you would like to stop the thread, as I've explained several times now, just stop replying.

oooh, that was below the belt...calling me a domestic abuser and implying that i would become a child abuser to gabriel, my unborn little boy once he gets here and everything.

but i will stand by my promise i will not respond. it must make you feel pretty good to insult people and hurt their feelings and not have to worry about them responding back doesn't it? ESPECIALLY when i never insulted you in the first place..... GOOD FOR YOU!!

jackass.

sonya_h38507.5331944444If I'm not mistaken, I believe
none of the posters in this topic has
actually said they believe AD/HD is
an excuse for domestic abuse.
Therefore, it seems to me they agree
with you on that point...

Do you realize that, "Dog"?

You mentioned you needed a break
from the other board, maybe you
need one from all of them, before
you hurt yourself. And I'm not
trying to be hurtful, just my
observation. You have so worked
yourself up with the anger you're
carrying around with you that
you have come to the point of (and
not necessarily domestic abuse),
but to the point of abusing yourself
and the posters on this board.GypsyWomyn38507.5711111111

DOG! WE GET IT ALREADY!! WE'VE ALREADY READ THIS SAME STATEMENT FROM YOU THE FIRST 100 TIMES YOU POSTED IT! WE UNDERSTAND YOUR VIEWS!! YOU CAN LET IT REST NOW!

NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO CHANGE YOUR VIEWPOINTS!! WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!! YOU HAVE YOUR OPINION, AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THEIRS!!

I THINK EVERYONE WHO HAS WRITTEN IN THIS THREAD HAS PRETTY MUCH AGREED TO DISAGREE!!! THAT IS THE ADULT THING TO DO!!

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KEEPS REPLYING RESTATING YOUR SAME OPINION OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!

WE GET YOUR OPINION!!! WE KNOW WHERE YOU STAND ON THIS!!!

ENOUGH!!!

sonya_h38507.4693634259

Stating that I will report child abuse is not abusing anyone. I have an obligation to protect people who are not able to protect themselves.

Stating that domestic abusers should be prosecuted for their crimes is also not abusive.

And, stating that add is not an excuse for domestic violence or child abuse is also not abusive.

What is really bothering you Gypsy?

Again, please use some boundaries. I understand that you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I am trying to be understanding of that but please try to use boundaries.

[QUOTE=sonya_h]

oooh, that was below the belt...calling me a domestic abuser and implying that i would become a child abuser to gabriel, my unborn little boy once he gets here and everything.

Sonia, you have posted that you have been a domestic abuser. You posted that you physically abused your husband. That is what I meant when I referred to the domestic abuse - only what you have already acknowledged in your posts.

Child abuse is MUCH more common in situations where there has also been domestic abuse. Because the topics are closely related, I posted the fact that I will report child abuse. Whether or not you choose to abuse someone in the future is entirely your choice.

[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=TheDog]

Stating that I will report child abuse is not abusing anyone.��I�have an obligation to protect people who are not able to protect themselves.�

Stating that domestic abusers should be prosecuted for their crimes is also not abusive.

And, stating that add is not an excuse for domestic violence or child abuse is also not abusive[/QUOTE]

You're right...the comments you refer to
in the above quote are not being abusive,
and I nor anyone else has accused you of
those particular comments being so.
I personally agree with each comment, so
I can't see how I would think those
comments are abusive.

I will 'edit' myself and use the word
'insulting' the posters instead of 'abusing.'

However, as AD/HDers we grew up listening
to the put downs, such as "then stop
responding with your childish and irrational
remarks" or "you sound like a 7 year old"
(that may not be a word for word quote,
but you know what comment I am referring to)...
and at the time we may have been 12..
AND we really don't need to come to an ADHD
support boardto be told the same
non-supportive remarks we grew up hearing
Especially when no one has disagreed with
what you have posted in the first place.

I suggest perhaps going back and reading the
posts from the beginning...there is some good
advice for the person who originally posted the
topic for HELP. And not one of them actually
states that ADHD IS an EXCUSE for domestic abuse.

I think you're insulting yourself (and
embarrassing yourself and if you're not,
you should be), by letting your anger get
so carried away that you are not even
listening/hearing what is being posted in
this thread.

AND, incidentally, if anyone were to
make it known through posting on this board
that they were actually committing child abuse,
oh yes, I certainly hope someone would
report them, and have the administrators of
this board deal with it properly. However,
no one has, god forbid, let's hope no one ever does.

Don't you have anything better to do than rant
and rave over something that hasn't warranted
your anger that no one agrees with or understands
you, when actually they DO?
Hey everyone let's just stop replying and maybe the dog will go away. I hear that if you stand real still unwanted dogs will go away.

Sonia,

To me this is not a small issue. It's the discussion of people who injur other people intentionally. It's a crime and there are victims and add is not an excuse for it.

For example, if someone was discussing raping a child and then said - let's just agree to disagree, that also would be unacceptable. And, add would also not be an excuse for that, and I wouldn't be willing to just say - oh well, we all have add ...

However, I want to be very clear so even you can understand - Just stop replying, and I will stop. Why don't you get that????? Just stop!

TheDog38507.4934375

i've notice something about you the past few months since i have been here, yellow dog. in some of the other arguments you have been in.

you have an intense need to have the last word don't you? that is why you are telling folks to stop replying, so that your word will be the last. it makes you feel like you have 'won' the debate, doesn't it?

I know, ad/hd makes some folks with it feel they need to have the last word.

ok. i understand ad/hd, so there you are.

you can have it, if it will make you feel at rest.

go ahead. make some negative, vague, unimportant, redundant and personally insulting statement back to me after this one, such as the one you just did "so that EVEN I can understand it" and i won't reply. (i know that is what you will do...i know your pattern now.) that way you can feel that you have had the last word.

i'm game, if it will put this argument to rest.

go for it.

shoot.

sonya_h38507.509375[QUOTE=sonya_h]

i've notice something about you the past few months since i have been here, yellow dog. in some of the other arguments you have been in.

Sonia, you are once again mistaken. In the other argument I was in, I told the others that I would not reply and I think they did made some comments after that. Sorry ...

I understand that it probably upsets you because you have acknowledged being a domestic abuser yourself.

I understand that you are pregnant and you may have concerns about that.

However, I'm not going to pretend like I think add is an excuse for domestic abuse, child abuse, etc. It simply isn't. If that comment is insulting to you, too bad.

Also, if anyone ever posts child abuse on this board and I see the post (while using add as an excuse or not), I will report it.

[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=GypsyWomyn] [QUOTE=TheDog]

However, as AD/HDers we grew up listening
to the put downs, such as "then stop
responding with your childish and irrational
remarks" or "you sound like a 7 year old"
(that may not be a word for word quote,
but you know what comment I am referring to)...
and at the time we may have been 12..
AND we really don't need to come to an ADHD
support boardto be told the same
non-supportive remarks we grew up hearing

Gypsy, I suggest you read the post that I responded to when stating that the individual sounded like a 7 year old. My statements to her were quite mild compared to the attempts at insults that she was throwing at me. Her statements were very "non-supportive." Perhaps you should take a look at the post and if you agree with me, post to her and some of the others who have directed insults at me. Some of them are pretty hard to miss.

I am not actually angry, as you suggest. However, I am not going to shuffle into the background and pretend not to see what's in front of me.

I am writing a report this weekend and also have the boards accessible as I write. Therefore, it is no trouble for me to access the boards and respond.

[/QUOTE]

TheDog38507.6227777778Well, the way I see it...two wrongs don't make a right...right?

So why don't we all, myself included, just play nice. No more insulting one another, no more yelling and screaming. In fact, looks like the board has been quiet today...maybe we can start some new topics, and let this one cool down. hmmmm?

Good luck with your report, TD. And I'm going to TRY to get some stuff done around my house. One thing, this has been a great excuse for my procrastinating getting started.

GypsyWomyn38507.6386226852First of all I never intended to hurt my partner, I had no impulse control and I was wrong,,, I admo=it it. I have done it ONCE and it will NEVER HAPPEN AHGAIN...
Do I need to be procecuted for that???

It seems to me DOG, that you are using what other people are posting against them.. That is not a very nice thing to do.. At least I seek help.. I work on me 7 days a week for the rest of my life un til I know that this will never happen again. you are reading people's posts and using their info and tellin g them about twhat you know about them on other boards.. now that is underhanded...
D...

maybe posting here was a mistake
I agree Dog... It has been 7 weeks and Iam so glad my partner left, because she now is safe from me, iam working on me to take care of my health and to make sure that whatever caused this aggression/anger to resort me to do such a lousy thing will be resolved. I am very sad that she didn't have it in her heart to stick it out with me and help me throught theses difficult times. Iam very sad that we had a committment and I did this to her. I was hoping she could be a little bit more understanding that this may possibly have something to do with my ADD and even if it doesn't she could be in the periphery and be here for us. I understand that she has to take care of her daughter and that I may have overstepped my oundaries so badly and she will never be back. there is still alot between us, she has stuff of mine she has held on to so that she can check in once in awile to see how much I have changed. she knows Iam trying hard to cope and deal with all that has happened. I too am suffering from post traumatic stress. I cannot sleep, I have lost 30 lbs in 7 weeks and Iam not fat to begin with. Iam sick over what I did. I wonder if she will ever be able to forgive me. She knows all iam doing. we met last Monday for Memorial day for brunch and I told her about my ADD and that I was starting on meds on Tuesday. she has not even phoned once to see if Iam still alive. Iam on Dexadrene and Iam not eating and anxious, but getting calmer everyday. Iam scared, alone and feel like I have been thrown away. I helped her move, I gave her 00 to get started, bought her a washer and dryer, not out of guilt, but because she has her own place but she is renting it out until next year and now she had to rent a place herself. We were going to spend the rest of our lifes together and I told her that I would take care of her forever. This was my fault she had to run away. so I took care of business. I have never stalked her, never phoned her. Iam on no Contact, I wait for her to call. I treat her with respect. What more do I need to do to be forgiven, because iam going crazy. NUTs... How long does it take before someone will know that iam serious and working on me? It will be 2 months next week. we were a family and yes I screwd up. I think Iam beyond the honeymoon stage. It wouyld be nice if I had the opportunity to redeem myself. what does it take for her tpo ever trust me again? Is it possible. If my ADD is under control and my medicatioon is titrated properly and continue with therapy etc, with my impulse control be better?
Iam scared.. I don't want to be like that anymore...

Thank you
Iam sory Iam ranting on. Sundays are particularly bad, since that was our down day.
I feel the need to call her so badly, but Iam not going to...
D...
D - I believe you are doing the right thing...you're getting therapy, you're taking your meds, you are giving your partner the space you both need at this time. You can use this time to work on the skills you'll need to learn to work with your new found knowledge of AD/HD, and learn to recognize your emotions and how to control and work with them, whatever emotions they may be.

I've had to learn to recognize my emotions and understand what they are, as well. The biggest help for me has been to learn to stop, step back and listen to what I am feeling. Learning to step back has been the hardest, but most beneficial for me.

[quote=UFOUREAH]It wouyld be nice if I had the opportunity to redeem myself. what does it take for her tpo ever trust me again? Is it possible. If my ADD is under control and my medicatioon is treated properly and continue with therapy etc, will my impulse control be better?
Iam scared.. I don't want to be like that anymore...[/quote]
And, D - you are on the road to "redeeming" yourself by doing exactly what you are doing...getting help. Perhaps at some time your friend would even be willing to join you in one of your therapy sessions, when your therapist feels it's appropriate.

Meanwhile, these are questions to bring up to your therapist. I'm sure they (your therapist) knows you are scared, but be sure to tell them exactly how you are feeling. And ask these questions and voice your concerns. Okay?

And, D, in my opinion, just because you did something that may have been a 'choice' (I can't speak for you), but which you know was wrong and regret it, and which at least got you to seek help,

doesn't mean you can't still have feelings for the other person who you obviously have a history with and love.

I'm rooting for you!

GypsyWomyn38508.8275

[QUOTE=Fallen]Dog,

While I realize your 'need to protect people', and thank you for taking on that huge responsibility for us unasked. I feel much safer knowing that you're out there trolling the board for miscreants and criminals, I think the issue here is quite simple:

Fallen - Actually I am a required reporter of child abuse based on my profession. Aside from the ethical and moral obligations, by law, I am required to report child abuse.

[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=UFOUREAH]First of all I never intended to hurt my partner, I had no impulse control and I was wrong,,, I admo=it it. I have done it ONCE and it will NEVER HAPPEN AHGAIN...
Do I need to be procecuted for that???

It seems to me DOG, that you are using what other people are posting against them.. That is not a very nice thing to do.. At least I seek help.. I work on me 7 days a week for the rest of my life un til I know that this will never happen again. you are reading people's posts and using their info and tellin g them about twhat you know about them on other boards.. now that is underhanded...
D...

maybe posting here was a mistake
[/QUOTE]

I am glad you are getting help and you deserve the help you are getting.

However, to respond to your question - yes, I believe that crimes of assault and battery should be prosecuted.

Oh, now Iam a child abuser.. I should be taken out back and shot.. and No Iam not leaving people..this place is fun.. My ADD meds are kicking in so who cares what this dog says.. it's just words... What I don't like is the fact that people air their problems, concerns and private things and this person comes back later and says : Oh, I know tyou are a bordeline personality and you are a child molestor and you my friend DOG... you need help... Iam getting lots of help because I know I obviously have a problem but you deary... shall we call you Cleopatra?

Probably don't get it do you..
You did not scare me away. Iam here to stay and getting healthier every day... ADD or not. that is just the icing on the cake. That will be under control and the rest is getting taken care of trust me, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do yourself a favor and look back at all your posts and see how, judgemental and uncaring they were. you may have an opinion and that is fine and dandy, but you are so angry.. go find out why and start loving yourself...
Thanks for the excitement.
D... the abuser
UFOUREAH38508.3753472222

[QUOTE=UFOUREAH] Oh, now Iam a child abuser.. I should be taken out back and shot.. and No Iam not leaving people..this place is fun.. My ADD meds are kicking in so who cares what this dog says.. it's just words... What I don't like is the fact that people air their problems, concerns and private things and this person comes back later and says : Oh, I know tyou are a bordeline personality and you are a child molestor and you my friend DOG... you need help... Iam getting lots of help because I know I obviously have a problem but you deary... shall we call you Cleopatra?

Ufoureah - Are you sure the meds are working? If you read the thread, you'll see the statements about child abuse weren't about you. You'll also see that I stated that I was glad you were getting help and that you deserved that help.

However, that doesn't change the fact that you did commit a crime. You assaulted another person and just because you are on an add board, I am not going to pretend like that was part of your add or that it was somehow ok.

Probably don't get it do you..
You did not scare me away.

I have never wanted to scare you away. You are welcome here. However, I'm not going to pretend like your assaulting another person was because of your newly diagnosed add. It was your choice.

Iam here to stay and getting healthier every day... ADD or not. that is just the icing on the cake. That will be under control and the rest is getting taken care of trust me, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

The proof of whether you choose to commit domestic violence again will be in the pudding.

It's not based on a feeling you have today; it will be based on what you choose to do everyday for the rest of your life.

D... the abuser
[/QUOTE]

TheDog38508.3876967593

[QUOTE=Fallen]Now find a single post in this thread that said 'gee its fun to beat my spouse thanks to my ADD'.[/QUOTE]

Why is my sick sense of humor tempted to start that thread? But that is pushing it...I think it's funny because it is ludacris, at least as far as I am concerned. It's unfortunate that some people don't see anything wrong with it...or perhaps they do, but they don't do anything about it. I've had friends in abusive relationships, and the abused wouldn't get out of it...made excuses or were too scared...

And abused children...that's an even worse situation. As an abused child, it pulls in the factors that it is your parent...you don't have much control over your situation...and you may not know better. And often, the people who know just protect the one doing the abuse.

Dog, you seem to be mentioning child abuse more. I think when it comes to kids, any adults usually need to say something. As I said, many of the people I know who were abused, the other family members just enabled the abuser, wouldn't go to the authorities and tried to 'control' a situation they couldn't...nor had any business trying to...

We all have our 'issues,' and it's not fair to judge people here, especially as we don't really know each other. I've been attacked on other boards because people didn't understand what I was saying...they picked up on key points and made their own story...and it caused me to leave one board. I wanted support, not personal attacks on something I wasn't even saying.

We ARE all adults here, and if someone on here was abusing a child, I'd be shocked if anyone was OK with that! But at the same time, if it happened in someone's past, and they are getting help and doing the right things....they deserve some respect for that, not assumptions they are going to do it again....especially if the person came forward on his/her own free will, not forced into getting help.

But I wasn't sure that I read anything about child abuse happening..? I thought this was about 2 adults, one who is seemingly taking what happened seriously so it doesn't happen again.

My mention of child abuse came because it happens much more often in situations where domestic violence has also occurred. It wasn't suppose to be directed at anyone in particular but was a general statement that I would report even if someone said they felt they did this as a result of their add. I think when we say that someone committed domestic violence because they had no impulse control (as a result of their add), we are on a very short slippery slope toward someone abusing a child with the same excuse.

Within the cycle of abuse, after a person harms their partner, there is often what is referred to as the honey moon stage. This is the stage when an abuser tries to get the affection of their partner back. They are often very sweet during this stage, promising to reform and never do it again, etc. After this stage, tensions slowly escalate, until the abuse occurs again, often as bad or worse than the previous abuse. Then the cycle repeats.

I'm not trying to say that will happen with anyone on this board but it is a common pattern in domestic abuse. However, I doubt that if someone can not acknowledge that the abuse was their choice, they will refrain from doing it again.

Dog,

While I realize your 'need to protect people', and thank you for taking on that huge responsibility for us unasked. I feel much safer knowing that you're out there trolling the board for miscreants and criminals, I think the issue here is quite simple:

This is a board for ADD ADULTS, I'll stress the adult part.

It's a board here for SUPPORT.

Now find a single post in this thread that said 'gee its fun to beat my spouse thanks to my ADD'.

I find it incredibly sad that people who need help should feel that they have to censor themselves and possibly go without some needed and valuable advice because one person in that group takes zealotry on their pet peeves to new heights thru threats, anger and verbal pot shots.

We all have a hot buttons on various issues, and at those points we might wanna rein in our instinctual gut reactions and take a step back and try to find ways we can help the person posting rather than alienating them further. In some cases it becomes the surest way to exacerbate a persons problems.

Your 'Domestic violence is BAD Mmmmmkay?' is insulting and arrogant in it's delivery to a group of your peers, and something that everyone here has agreed upon time and again.

Are you suggesting that just because domestic violence is bad that it shouldnt be a topic of conversation that is discussed in an understanding way?

Should we just say 'F YOU YOU SICK FREAK GET OUT OF HERE!' or try to better understand the situation, try to reach out and help, offer support and some suggestions on how to resolve or end the problem? Perhaps we've been there, are there, might one day be there, and this sheds light on our own issues and we can stop ourselves or our friends from finding themself inthe same situation.

I realize that this post will slide, teflon-like, away from your monotone chanting of 'dv is bad', but feel free to refer back to this post at a later date when you feel that you have to educate us all on the moral rights and wrongs of a particular behavior.

Now, I must be going as I have to go put some babies on spikes.

UFOUREAH! Please don't go away!! don't let the antics of ONE person scare you away from this board!!

trust me, to that ONE person who DOESN'T understand, there are many of us who DO understand!! trust me, i have been there. it was 3 years ago the last time i lost my impulse control....i have never let it happen again either...i got help, and my husband has forgiven me...and contrary to what SOME people believe, just because i was like that it my past does not mean that i will be like that to my child once he is here...THAT IS WHY I SOUGHT HELP, because i did not want to be like this anymore...AND IT WORKED.

I UNDERSTAND, EVEN IF CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS BOARD DON'T. JUST BECAUSE ONE PERSON does not "believe" that ad/hd causes one to become impulsively violent at times does not mean that just because that person believes it's true. I KNOW IT CAN. I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES BEFORE.

but if you stay in this board a while, you will come to find that this is really VERY VERY supportive board. IT'S ONLY ONE INDIVIDUAL that you are being bothered by.....

PLEASE STICK AROUND! THE REST OF US ARE EASIER TO GET ALONG WITH!!

If you want, start another topic and discuss with us some other aspects of your ad/hd....

OR if you want to talk more about this particular subject, you can do so, and the rest of us will try to ignore the ranting and raving of other people who keep uselessly stating the same thing over and over and over....the rest of us are adult enough to over look certain comments and continue with a rational discussion with you.

but please don't go away....don't let this particular thread scare you away from us!!

We would like you to stick around..

let it go
unbreakable38507.7690393519

Can someone just close posting on this topic?

And I'm going to regret this, but I'm psoting...

I was abused as a child, mentally AND physcially...I have have suffered various abuse in my adult life, incl mental and sexual...and close on the physical by an ex. So this isn't coming from someone you can label as an abuser, I've been hurt a lot in my life...as I'm sure others have as well.

I was upset when I first read this, but I have understood more as I read Ofoureah's posts...as well as others.

My Mother beat me because she broke out in fits of rage she couldn't control (and she had an abusive father)....her MI isn't an excuse for her actions towards me, she should have gotten help for it. We may not be able to control things 'when' we lose control, but we are responsible for making sure we don't lise that control. At times, I have to fight my urge to get physcial when I get angry, I learned it as a child. (And no, I've never hit anyone...just a few walls when I was alone.)

I have been surprised there weren't more posts like this, as I know I can get all fired up pretty quickly....and I think ADD has a lot to do with it. (And that is a REASON not an excuse.)

Which leads me to my point...Many of us dislike when people use AD(H)D as an "excuse" for anything...many of us struggle to overcome our ADD (or whatever else we may have). We realize our problems and do what we can to keep our control. But to me, that turns ADD symptoms into "reasons." It's symantics, but to me...I have a reason for my impulsive actions, but my ADD "reason" is not a valid "excuse."

To go off a bit, my BF is bipolar. When he is having an episode, he really isn't in control at times. To me, I still have to hold him responsible for what he does during that time, and when he gets 'back to normal' we address it. He is responsible for doing what he can to make sure those episodes don't occur. He isn't violent, but if he was to me or anyone else, he's still accountable for his actions...just as I am.

The name calling, the 'last word,' the repeating of the same views....this isn't helping anyone. I mean, I love having the last word in my arguements, but I also like being able to walk away when my point is made....

Dog, I agree with you...I think everyone does... Domestic violence is not OK....a mental disorder is not an excuse for it...

nt.
alerah38511.1578819444

I agree w/Gypsy. Why is it so important? One thing I know about me (I emphasize me) is that when I get so very passionate or tunnel visioned about something it's because it hits too close to home. I wonder if this verbal lashing out is due to this subject hitting too close to home for dog. She has mentioned that in her profession she is obligated to report abuse, (mine as well since I do daycare) has she seen it? Gone through it? Known someone close to her who has gone through it?

It wasn't until I made myself sit back and really think about how dog was reacting that it donned on me to think about why she may be reacting so strongly. I am very passionate about child abuse, since I suffered from it as a child, and when I think anyone may be abusing a child I have been known to fly off the handle.

I do not know if this is the case for dog since I do not know her or her history, but I know how and why I might react strongly to something. I am not saying it is right, I am not saying it's wrong, but what I am trying to say is maybe we should all sit back and think about why we are so passionate about feeding this thread on. Probably because it hits close to home for each of us, for whatever reason that may be.

I am sorry for any underhanded comments or insults I may have given to anyone, specifically dog. I will do my best to not let it happen again. Jeeeeeez I'm getting mushy.

[QUOTE=dvirgo421]

I agree w/Gypsy.� Why is it so important?� One thing I know about me (I emphasize me) is that when I get so very passionate or tunnel visioned�about something it's because it hits too close to home.� I wonder if this verbal lashing out�is due to this subject hitting too close to home for dog.� She has mentioned that in her profession she is obligated to report abuse, (mine as well since I do daycare) has she seen it?� Gone through it?� Known someone close to her who has gone through it?�

It wasn't until I made myself sit back and really think about how dog was reacting that it donned on me to think about why she may be reacting so strongly.� I am very passionate about child abuse, since I suffered from it as a child, and when I think anyone may be abusing a child I have been�known to fly off the handle.

I do not know if this is the case for dog since I do not know her or her history, but I know how and why�I might react strongly to something.� I am not saying it is right, I am not saying it's wrong, but what I am trying to say is maybe we should all sit back and think about why we are so passionate about feeding this thread on.� Probably because it hits�close to home for each of us, for whatever reason that may be.�

I am sorry for any underhanded comments or insults I may have given to anyone, specifically dog.� I will do my best to not let it happen again.��Jeeeeeez I'm getting mushy.�[/QUOTE]
Actually, at the very beginning of thedog's replies I did immediately wondered if this topic was perhaps hitting too close to home for her. Yet regardless, whether it had or not, I still think enough had been said by TheDog to make her point...To which most of us had agreed. Except, from what I gather, she hasn't heard exactly what she wanted from the original poster, and she may never hear the words she'd like to hear, and just hope she realizes that it's not necessary for Ufourah to admit anything in public. Fini!GypsyWomyn38510.620787037

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]To the other posters who came to support UFOUREAH: I realize TheDog has managed to make much of this thread about HER, and I admit I've probably just fed the fire, and apologize, but I just felt so compelled to say what I have said. I am ADHD, and I feel that MAY or MAY NOT be a REASON I wrote what I did, but I'm definitely not using it as an EXCUSE.
[/QUOTE]

Don't feed the dog! (Could not resist--sorry!) Feed the community and then all will be fed.

Impulse control, maybe? I'm 59 so hopefully have learned SOMETHING! It's sure not how to be organized, be on time, or keep my house clean! I do think, however, that I have learned a bit about impulse control--or so I'm assuming. Maybe I'm just full of it, though.

Seems to me like a key is keeping in mind (as much as possible) whether results or specifics are most important. When results start to become moreso, then things begin to shift. At least that's how I'm looking at it. Does that make any sense?

She? I thought we had a boy doggie. No?

So are you male or female? I got "male" vibes from your posts but Gypsy referred to you as she.[QUOTE=sachetm]

Don't feed the dog! (Could not resist--sorry!) Feed the community and then all will be fed.

sachetm -

I had thought I read you were a professional counselor or something like that. However, I doubt a professional counselor would make the type of comment you have made above. I must be mistaken.

[/QUOTE]

TheDog38510.8273263889

UFOUREAH, I have to tell you that you don't sound like you're in any way, shape, or form, ready for a relationship, much less a positive one.

I can't and won't tell you what you should do. You're an adult, right? You have to make your own decisions. All I can tell you is that you sound like you've got a lot of work to do on you before you're ready to add another person into the mix--no matter HOW you feel. Feelings are just that--feelings. No more, no less. You control them or they control you (to simplify it). It doesn't sound like you have a clue how to do the former.

And please do yourself (and others reading you) a favor and stop trying to second-guess other people's motives (e.g., your girlfriend's). Instead, focus on your own and let others do the same. It gets very old, very fast, and is a zero sum game.

Don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you asked for feedback and I'm giving you the most honest feedback I can.

Inappropriate post deleted.

(One of those ADHD impulsive moments I guess. )

Mark Goode38516.3393055556I miss her so much today..Sundays are bad. In one breath she tells me to go with my life in the other she seems to get upset beacuse Iam planning al kinds of things and she is not included in them. She now is becoming snippy and short because i think she is feeling like she is loosing control. I just want to grow up and get better so that I can be ok.
I love her so much, but I don't think she understands that I need to do this for me. Im on meds now, Iam working on having my life together for me and us...
she is not taking it well that iam doing fun stuff and she is not, she feels like the victim who is stuck with all the responsibilities and I seem to just go on. does she want me to just wallow in my misery?
What do I do.. stay the abuser forever so that she can be in control?
what do i do now?? Not tell hr anything Iam doing.
I cancelled a tentative date we were going to have on Wednesday, I told her something came up. Iam planning a trip with someone and that is the only date we can meet. When I asked if we could meet after I was done she said.. I made other pland already.. she never plans anything.. quite hilarious.
Women.. this is such drama.
Ok I want her back. what do I do?
what is the approach?

D...
[QUOTE=Mark Goode]

ADHD or not, I've never hit a woman, and never shall.

[/QUOTE]

I believe you. Some folks have better impulse control or less volatility. As someone who considers themselves quite civilized, I can tell you that its a terrible terrible low to reach in your life. Like dead rock bottom. Pathetic. Worse than a terrible drunken bender.

Controlling my emotions is one of my biggest goals in addressing this ADD thing.

UFoureah,

I can relate to this last post of yours. I always used to look outside myself for things. Others to take responsibility for me and ALL my needs. Why! did not trust me. Self-responsibility was a concept I never developed. Sure i am intelligent and manipulative and got others to do even some of the practical everyday things i should do for myself. You say "there is life after ADD" well hate to be the one to tell you U are still ADD but are learning to manage yourself as a person with a profile of ADD. The Meds allow us to manage our thinking/behaviour in a different more appropriate way. We are hard work for others and ourselves if we choose to be.

Be very careful of feelings, It is positive to feel good about me, using that good feeling as an excuse for unthinking, unmanaged Euphoria is a trap for me as it has prevented me from managing me in a way that is appropriate to my situation.

Congratulation to you on all the hard work you have done to get yourself thus far!

ryan195038519.1782986111I am taking the back seat this time is all for me.. I have stopped running after her to feel sorry for me. Iam done. Iam working on me. I can never go back I had one chance. Iam moving on. meds are working so far. iam on Prozac and Ritalin.
Iam calm, happy and functioning. anger management every Monday, Coda on Wednesday, therapist on Thursday. Piano lessons on Friday, hiking on the weekend. iam buff and feel great. there is life after ADD and stress. This will be my best year ever. too bad I hurt someone. i do feel awful about that, but I forgive myself.
Thank you all for being here..while I was going thru my anxious mess.
D...
never started a thread that caused so much anguish
I appreciate your comments. please e-mail me some things that you have learned. this is all so new to me. I feel less foggy and calmer, less rushed and more focused. I can sit and read a book now. I have always wanted to do this. I hate TV.. Iam going to try to sit thru a program tonight. This is so wild. everything is moving in slow motion. I noticed today I actually are riving slower. am I turning into a turnip? am I going to gain weight? freaky!!!

I find myself to be very controlling.. is that a symptom of ADD. I was just diagnosed after my partner left me because I choked her in a fit of anger and impulsiveness (she refused me for sex again and told me to go ahead but she would be fantasizing about someone else, we started to argue and she walked away and I pulled her back in bed and grabbed her neck) I always knew I was different, but now I know for sure I have low levels of serotonin. I was also very controlling to her.. is that just my insecurity or does that happen with ADD as well. anyone knows?

I am taking anger control classes, going to a therapist and I just started on Prozac yesterday.

Do you think that it is possible that if I calm down and work on me to get better that she would ever be able to take me back, knowing that I have a chemical imbalance. Iam really sorry I did this, it has been almost 7 weeks and we have finally starting to talk. we had brunch on Monday but she only wants to be my friend. but she still loves me.

Iam a woman and have never done anything like this before. I shocked myself too Thank you so much. anyone else ever experienced something similar?

[QUOTE=The Resistance!]
BS, EVVY.
You can't choke people. It's one of those things like you can't have sex with children, it is just wrong and blaming it on ADHD or its effect is a cop out anyway I look at it. Someone who attacks others is a criminal. Period. I don't care if they are insane and COMPLETELY unable to control themselves, it isn't an excuse. It might be a not guilty by reason of insanity crime, but it's a crime.

I only felt I had to post after your comments below I understand as "oh you have unreasonable anger cause somebody beat your ass, so you don't belong here."

I belong here though, are your fingers itchy?

[/QUOTE]

Ah, ok.. One more rebuttle, christ..

Yes, attacking someone is a crime. Is this really all that you are getting out of this issue? Sigh.. Ok, so stealing is one of the many diagnostic symptoms of adhd. And it is a crime. If you steal, you are a criminal. Yet by your definition, it would have nothing to do with adhd even though almost all psychiatrists (those really smart people with medical degrees that spent many years studying human behaviour) agree that stealing is one of many indicators of lack of impulse control in the ADHD'er. Driving drunk is a crime, and many undiagnosed adults are alcoholics or drug abusers of some sort. So again by your definition, these people are just criminals and adhd has nothing to do with it. You see my point?

And how do you turn "Obviously you are personally affected by the subject of domestic violence and I'm very sorry to know that." into "oh you have unreasonable anger cause somebody beat your ass, so you don't belong here"??? I'm sorry, but your interpreting something into that.

Are my fingers itchy? Wha? Not really.. Do your fingers stink? ???? Weird.

lol being an alcoholic isn't a crime, drunk driving is.

Besides drunk driving isn't an impulsive thing at all well unless your drinking in the car with the engine running and then on impulse drive away lol. Other wise you have to decide to leave where ever it is you've been drinking, find your keys, stumble outside, try to unlock your car, drop the keys, try again to unlock the car. LOL thats not impulse that's being determined to drive home and doing it. If your friends tried to stop you from driving home you would argue with them saying you are fine to drive. LOL no impulsiveness in that whole situation.

Now if you were sitting at the bar looking at the bowl of pretzels and without thinking pushed it off the counter that would be impulsive. If you looked at the pretzels thought about pushing them off decided not to talked to your friend and then said the hell with it and pushed them off the counter anyway. Well then thats not impulsive.

OK now do we all understand the difference between making choices (good impulse control) and doing things without thinking (bad impulse control)

Oh and P.S. ADDers that steal do it for the excitement cus they are looking for a thrill. Stealing takes planning, has nothing to do with impulse. LOL

I hope you arent reffering to me!.. I've never hit either,(Ok or the impulse.) in fact your temper results describe mine to a 'T'.

If you are reffering to the original poster of this thread then that 'he' is a 'she'...

Evvy38504.9516435185[QUOTE=Evvy]

If you are reffering to the original poster of this thread then that 'he' is a 'she'...

[/QUOTE]

So she was.

I missed that.

Again, ADHD is NOT an excuse for domestic violence - Domestic violence was your CHOICE.

TheDog38505.2374884259[QUOTE=sonya_h]

I have to agree with mark....

HOWEVER i think it all depends on the individual...

I was violent with my husband in the past...

[/QUOTE]

Hey, Sonie - I was kidding!

I know a lot of people with ADHD through various forums, and if this guy is for real then he's the first one who is prone to domestic violence. I guess if you're prone to this kind of behaviour then ADHD won't help - but it's certainly not a common symptom.

I have a real bad temper, I shout and scream and turn purple and break things, and in my past I have been no stranger to violence. But to hit my wife? I don't believe it's possible. Even when I'm throwing a hissy fit and not in control (like last year when I kicked the door off its hinges), I have never had the impulse to hurt a woman - and I have no time for those that do.(note my point is that I have never had the impulse, not that I always control it)

Mark Goode38504.942349537Also, the fact that you are in an treatment plan for your anger is a very positive step.Adders may be inpulsive but controling lol I have to laugh if we can't control ourselves how in the hell could we possibly control others. [QUOTE=Evvy]

But I am curious as to why you are posting on an ADHD message board.

I am posting on an adhd board because I have been diagnosed with add for several years.

You seem to know very little about the obvious potential link between the two subjects.

That is because there is no such thing as this obvious potential link.

I blamed myself having undiagnosed ADHD which easily accounts for the frustration and rages that can lead to domestic violence.

Don't blame adhd for domestic violence - It makes the rest of us look bad.

[/QUOTE]
BS, EVVY.
You can't choke people. It's one of those things like you can't have sex with children, it is just wrong and blaming it on ADHD or its effect is a cop out anyway I look at it. Someone who attacks others is a criminal. Period. I don't care if they are insane and COMPLETELY unable to control themselves, it isn't an excuse. It might be a not guilty by reason of insanity crime, but it's a crime.

I only felt I had to post after your comments below I understand as "oh you have unreasonable anger cause somebody beat your ass, so you don't belong here."

I belong here though, are your fingers itchy?

[QUOTE=Evvy]

Obviously you are personally affected by the subject of domestic violence and I'm very sorry to know that.

But I am curious as to why you are posting on an ADHD message board. You seem to know very little about the obvious potential link between the two subjects. My post was reffering to that link. I did not blame waify women. I blamed myself having undiagnosed ADHD which easily accounts for the frustration and rages that can lead to domestic violence.

So you'd have me believe that in the middle of raging anger, a person with little or no impulse control can stop and make a conscious decision whether or not to physically lash out? I'm sorry, but you are either very unversed on the symptoms of ADHD or you just don't believe that it is a reality.

In either case, it doesn't make much sense for you to be replying to serious posts about sensitive issues.

Can I get a hallelujah?

[/QUOTE][QUOTE=dvirgo421]
It sounds like both of you get some kind of enjoyment out of setting each other off.� Both of you bring up insecurities in each other so you can keep living them out.� Get away from her and stay away.� The only way I would ever think you two could be together in a healthy relationship would be if she got help too. I QUITE AGREE!

To address you curiosity about this being a�characteristic of AD/HD--yes and no.� The impulsiveness, the uncontrolable urge to act on thoughts and wants w/out considering the consequences is definately one of them.� However the level of violence this brought out in you, NO.� I am NOT judging you, unfortunately before I was diagnosed I was very violent.� I still have some of those urges but between counceling and medication I do not act on them anymore.

Well said, Dvirgo!

Before being diagnosed, after 50 years, I also had difficulty controlling my impulsiveness, never considering the consequences. My anger would be quite uncontrollable at times, but never to a degree of violence that I ever hurt anyone. Medication and counseling has been helping to control my urges as well.

I truly believe 'domestic violence' or actually hurting someone due to uncontrollable urges is way beyond the symptoms of AD/HD, and needs to be addessed in a different manner.

[/QUOTE]

I'm convinced there's a link between ADHD and domestic violence. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and my wife hits me all the time.

Mark Goode38504.9194675926

I have to agree with mark....

HOWEVER i think it all depends on the individual...

I was violent with my husband in the past...i just SNAPPED a couple of times (3 times to be exact), and I DID injure him....

It's not something i am proud of by any means...that was BEFORE my ad/hd diagnosis....

I HIGH-TAILED IT to the psych because i KNEW THAT BOTTOM LINE, NO MATTER WHAT, I LOVED MY HUBBY AND I COULD NOT GO ON BEING THIS WAY TOWARDS HIM!! My shrink said it was from ad/hd and depression.

So about 3 years ago, after my diagnosis, was the last time i have physically lashed out at him. I have not attacked him sense...very greatful that he put up with me through those dark times and is still with me....

i never want to hurt him again.

oh, let me add, that NO MATTER WHAT your impulsive violent behavior is coming from, IT NEEDS TO BE STOPPED. Ad/hd POSSIBLY may be to blame, but that doesn't make ad/hd a crutch to lean on as an excuse. GET HELP!! this is a totally unexeptable behavior, that needs to be nipped in the bud, no matter what is causing it...

sonya_h38504.9290393519

So much for a hallelujah.. One last comment, then I'm through.

To imply that an ADHD diagnoses is a rubber-stamp list of symptons that affect everyone the same throughout their lives is reckless. 'goldenmoment' stated that ADHD is not often labeled as the cause of physical abuse. And you are right. In most cases of domestic violence, people tend to look at the obvious first.. Anger, right? I don't think that most domestic abusers think to themselves "You know, I'm in a pretty good mood.. But Hmmm.. I think I'll go thump on my wife a bit just for fun." Most violence in the home stems from an inability to control anger. The obvious fix for that to most is some form of anger management course.. Which, to my knowledge is basically a course teaching one how to recognize when anger starts, and finding a way to stop it from escalating. In other words, stop yourself and think before you react. Control your impulses.. Now, maybe I'm alone on this one but as a bonified ADHD'er I have had my fair share of full out rages that can easily be catergorized as an 'anger issue'. Was I physically abused as a child? No. Do I feel that I was just born with a propensity twards anger and violence? Of course not. Now follow me here.. Is it even remotely possible that 30 years of frustration, denial, being completely misunderstood and self-loathing as the result of undiagnosed ADHD; is it possible that such a scenario could cause a person to develop an explosive temper that could escalate to violence? Hellooo. Now let's add to that the rubber-stamp symptoms of adult ADHD as the Utah Criteria states them. 1. Impulsiveness (it means more than just spending too much money) 2. Hot temper. 3. Stress intolerance. 4. Affective lability.

I could go on, but my point is that when it comes to violent behaviour most people don't even try to see the proverbial forest. The first thought is "alcoholic asshole who was probably abused" or other typical judgements. I know what caused me to get angry to the point of wanting to strike out. A lifetime of confusion brought on by ADHD. And for someone to say that it's 'not commonly linked to ADHD so you should look into other avenues' is again, in my opinion reckless. And for those of you that are getting upset at this post I say once again, that you are rubber-stamping ADHD and stereo-typing it. Undiagnosed ADHD manisfests itself in an impossible variety of ways when it comes to grown adults. I implore you to find one study that proves or disproves my stint on this subject, I've tried. And as far as I can find, there haven't been any studies cross-referencing Adhd and domestic violence.

Yet, as I see by the posts made while I've been typing this, a few of you are once again pigeon-holing Adhd as though everything that can be known about it is already known. To me, it's that type of rubber-stamping that can give the disorder itself less credibilty. Let me state for the record that I've never once hit a woman in anger.. In my past I've scared many with rage and have shown the potential to be violent (throwing objects at walls, etc.) But that in no way means that another ADHD'er with the same scenario described by UFOUREAH can't have less control of their impulses when angry.

To sum up (again.) I made a reply to this thread based on a feeling of commonality with the poster. Her post struck a chord with me and I wanted her to know my story because I felt that maybe she could relate. I never said that controlling behaviour or violence was a symptom of ADHD as she asked. I simply told my story of how my undiagnosed ADHD was what I feel the major factor in my mental development. And that once I made some major discoveries about myself, which included my diagnoses, I was then able to see things for what they were and proceed to change the way I think about things. Yes, 'TheDog' basically saying.. "It's not add, it's domestic violence" upset me because it was unwarranted, seemingly biased, and personally offensive to me based on my own struggles with life.

I imagine that there are a lot of people on this board who know as much and more about adult adhd than I do.. But rest assured, noone on this planet knows everything there is to know about the different ways undiagnosed ADHD can manifest itself in adults. And if any of you can prove me wrong on that, I'll never post here again.

I'm sure that the ones I've pissed off here will pick apart this post and quote me out of context to prove some point, but it matters not to me. I'm done with this rant.

The End

Evvy38504.9464930556[QUOTE=Mark Goode]

I'm convinced there's a link between ADHD and domestic violence. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and my wife hits me all the time.

[/QUOTE] LMAO!!!!

What you're writing of, as you probably know, is domestic violence. It is more about control than impulsiveness. In my opinion, it is not a result of add or low serotonan. The act of domestic violence was your choice.

That was enlightening..

, TheDog.. I think you fixed everything!

Sorry for the sarcasm, but c'mon. You say that it's more about control than impulsiveness.. In the context of ADHD, isn't that an oxymoron? ADHD'ers lack control over impulse.

More on controlling behaviour: UFOUREAH, prior to my diagnosis, I was controlling and dominant in every intimate relationship I was ever in (and there were a LOT.) And I know that I scared many women with my potential for violence when things would become heated. I know now that it was my total lack of control in every other aspect of my life that made me that way twards my partners. Due to my undiagnosed ADHD, intimate partners were my only grip on any sense of control. And if she didn't bend to my will, I would chalk her up as a 'bitch' and leave the relationship. For years I firlmly believed that every succesful relationship had to be dominant/submissive. And for years I cycled through one relationship after another. Never wanting to be alone, but once my dominance had been firmly asserted, becoming bored and wanting out. Years went by with me wondering why I just couldnt seem to find the right girl, and eventually starting to think that it's something with me.

Luckily for me, one day about 4 years ago a very smart person pointed out to me that I may have been subconsciously drawn to submissive women (attracted to quiet waify types, with slouch-like body language, etc) and the realization hit me like a brick wall. Suddenly all of the women iof my past flashed in my mind and it was dead on.. They were all hand-picked doormats. Like I was dating the same woman over and over again. It was that day that I decided I needed to change the way I think about relationships..

Four years later, I am now six months diagnosed ADHD (and so many other things about my past make sense now), and though I still occasionally stumble on control issues, I am in an incredibly stimulating and challenging relationship with my wife of 2 years. She's a smart, confident, strong-willed, powerful career woman with tons of drive and has far surpassed me with her level of success. And guess what? I'm ok with it! It took a brick wall to hit me, but I'm finally able to have a happy and unpredictable relationship. Once it REALLY hits home that you have to change, then you will start to. But that change won't occur overnight. Old habits are hard to break and I still work on it every day.

So ADHD vs. just being prone to 'domestic violence'? Once agian, c'mon...

Evvy38504.8230555556[QUOTE=Evvy]

That was enlightening..

, TheDog.. I think you fixed everything!

Sorry for the sarcasm, but c'mon. You say that it's more about control than impulsiveness.. In the context of ADHD, isn't that an oxymoron? ADHD'ers lack control over impulse.

Once it REALLY hits you that you have to change, then you will start to, but that change won't occur overnight.

ADHD vs. just being prone to 'domestic violence'? Once agian, c'mon...

[/QUOTE]

Why don't you c'mon. Your domestic violence was your choice - you seem to acknowledge it when you state "Once it REALLY hits you that you have to change, then you will start to..."

Please don't blame the "waify" women of your past. Your problem with domestic violence was entirely about you and your choices.

Many abusers try to find a way to blame the victims - and, I'm not going to just stand by and watch the bologna.

It was your fault period.

Obviously you are personally affected by the subject of domestic violence and I'm very sorry to know that.

In either case, it doesn't make much sense for you to be replying to serious posts about sensitive issues.

Can I get a hallelujah?

There could be many other issues going on stemming from your upbringing to another disorder. We don't really know your case history. ADHD is a lot of things, and causes a lot of things, but being a violent abuser isn't often one of them. Anger issues can arise and are not at all uncommon but if domestic physical violence were a common factor with ADHD then many would be here in support of leaving the abuser, supporting and helping a victim of abuse, many links and threads about restraining orders, police reports, escaping, shelters, etc...

It's just not a common factor of ADHD. A person may lie often, may wreck a relationship, may cheat, may daydream, may smoke pot, may drink too much Mt Dew, may be this or that, but a physical woman beater or a man abuser? I agree with TheDog, other factors are going on. ADHD can wreck a relationship, but not usually from being physically violent.

The ADHDers would probably be the victims of an abuser before being a physical abuser, maybe, maybe not, but it's not an excuse for being physically abusive....mentally abusive, can be and has been...because of factors going on and when undiagnosed or not having a treatment plan.

What leads you to believe it is the cause of your physical abuse?
goldenmoment38504.836875

It sounds like both of you get some kind of enjoyment out of setting each other off. Both of you bring up insecurities in each other so you can keep living them out. Get away from her and stay away. The only way I would ever think you two could be together in a healthy relationship would be if she got help too.

To address you curiousity about this being a characteristic of AD--yes and no. The impulsiveness, the uncontrolable urge to act on thoughts and wants w/out considering the consequences is definately one of them. However the level of violence this brought out in you, no. I am NOT judging you, unfortunately before I was diagnosed I was very violent. I still have some of those urges but between counceling and medication I do not act on them anymore.

I do not wish you luck, but the strenght and determination it is going to take to get passed this. If you want to talk more about this you can PM me. I just don't want this post to be too long.

i don't know about controlling, but i do know i have always had a short fuse. easily frustrated.

in the past, just blowing up at a woman was enough to frighten her really good. not something i'm proud of. i think many people, esp. women, don't get over that real easily.

if they come from abusive backgrounds, you are triggering some of their deepest fears and insecurities when you become violent. it may be difficult to make up and regain her trust.

i have struggled my entire life with anger. it has threatened and damaged almost every single relationship (familial and otherwise) i have ever had. you are going in the right direction to address it.

i've been on wellbutrin for 3 or 4 mos. now, and while it doesn't help with some of these add'ism's that vex me, it has had a tremendous impact on my intensity and volatility. it is such a relief to not be so quick to explode. it also has reduced some of the intensity i think i project. i often have sensed people becoming uneasy around me, and i realize i need to relax a little bit.

good luck. stay cool. keep on.

i forgot to mention- her response about "fantasizing about someone else" is a pretty incendiary thing to say. it was designed to set you off.

are you sure you want to continue with someone who deals with you like that?

just a thought.

I must say that I agree with you, U. (that sounds funny) To be brutaly honest I think she is playing mind games. She is trying to get you to reasure her that you still love her. She may be jealous that you are spending so much time on you, or more like not as much time on her.

I also think that you can work on yourself all you want, but if she isn't willing to work on her own issues you two would be liable to fall into the same kinds of roles you were. I'm not saying that you would be violent again, but that she would be liable to try and say things to minipulate you and set you off. Somehow, someway, she gets some kind of sick satisfaction in setting you off.

It is always up to you if you want to get back together with her. This is just my opinion based on my own experiences. No matter what you choose, I will not judge you in anyway and I will always be here to "talk", either privately or publicly in this forum.

I saw her on messenger last night while I was having my piano tuned and I said hi. she asked me what I was doing and I told her.. She asked where I put itwhat kind it was etc etc.. I told her the paino was my new love. well she said.. That hurts!!! Imean come on.. why does that hurt? she asked me if I gave her a name already.. I said no, I have to play her first.. I asked her why she was hurt, she said, it's too soon, and she doesn't want to know about it.. What is going on? what does she want?

Does this sound like love addiction love avoider stuff..

crazy.. Iam not giving in.. I need todo my work and be complete before I even consider going back.

What do you think???

D...

[QUOTE=UFOUREAH]I am psyched Iam doing so well.
D...
[/QUOTE]

Glad to hear you are doing well, Ufoureah. It's really cool to hear that you are taking the time to take care of yourself. I hope you will keep us posted on all that you are doing.

well my GF called today and told me that I was on her mind.. I told her that I was woirking on me and that I was on medication. She is understanding and I have a feeling we will probably be able to work things out. In time I will probably be ready to be in a relationship again with her or maybe not.. I need to work on me now.. Patience and progress.
Thank you guys for all the drama..
I will keep you updated on my progress. 8 days on my meds and Iam feeling a bit better. Iam happy she is coming around but Iam not settling into anything. we needs lots of work and that includes me.
I am psyched Iam doing so well.
D...
[QUOTE=UFOUREAH] well my GF called today and told me that I was on her mind.. I told her
that I was woirking on me and that I was on medication. She is
understanding and I have a feeling we will probably be able to work
things out. In time I will probably be ready to be in a relationship
again with her or maybe not.. I need to work on me now.. Patience and
progress.
Thank you guys for all the drama..
I will keep you updated on my progress. 8 days on my meds and Iam
feeling a bit better. Iam happy she is coming around but Iam not
settling into anything. we needs lots of work and that includes me.
I am psyched Iam doing so well.
D...
[/QUOTE]
Very happy for you, Ufoureah! (BTW, great nickname!)

Whether or not you believe what you did was a 'crime' ...you at least did make a choice to do something to help yourself and those you love. I wonder how many people incarcerated for any crime actually get the proper psychological therapy and medication needed.

So regardless of what you did, you are going to be fine. We all deserve to be happy, and do anything necessary to make sure we can live a 'productive,' happy life. You were fortunate to get a 'wake up call' before things may have gotten worse. Brava! Just as I got my wake up call with my drinking before I really hurt or even killed someone.

I just hope you continue to see your counselor/therapist in combination with your medication.

Please do keep us posted. We are here for your support. Never forget that, U.
GypsyWomyn38512.9335300926 oh today was hilarious...
My ex is coming on strong. wanted to go kayaking on Sunday, was going to
cancel with a friend from work she had plans with. all she does is go for brunch. I hate
eating all the time. I am in the exercise mode. she did this to poor her friend who has a crush on her
also last year, when I took her back she was hanging out with this friend and she dumped
her like a hot potatoe. makes me laugh. I told her to keep her date, we have
plenty of oportunities to go kayaking, so she did keep the date. Then she wants to come help take care of my dad after he
has his surgery in 2 weeks. I don't know how comfortable I feel about that. she
left here on April 20th, my dad turned 80, she didn't even call on May 7th, she
didn't even acknowledge his being. iam so pissed she abandoned him too and now
she wants to come play nurse, for what to redeem herself. Am I being petty. I am
so mad at the choices she made so drasticcally. she today had the audacity to
say that Oh I didn't choose to have my life started over, but knowing that you
actually followed thru with what you said you were going to do, I probably would
not have made such a drastic decision. So I said yes the kneejerk reaction. and
then in her next breath she says Iam still glad I did it because I don't want to
show her daughter that she has to put up with abuse. I told her what yopu showed her
is that everything is throw away. don't trust anyone, just run.. oh but now she
is realizing that Iam doing my own thing and now she is going to be in chase
mode. my piano is going to be my saving grace. Ha dmy firts lesson tonight
I love it.. Everday a little more
progress. we have this love addiction vs avoidance addiction going on. I move
away she comes closer, she moves away I follow. the toxic dance.
Iam doing my own thing.. patience and progress for me. ADD is
feeling better today My meds seem to be working thank you for being here.
D...

UFOUREAH38513.9641087963Thank you for sharing.
I knew I wasn't alone, anyone else has the guts to tell the truth???
D...
I am actually doing what I think I need to. she is seeing that Iam making lots of changes and she is slowly coming back into my life actually, it seems to me like it is happening a bit fast. she wanted to go kayaking with me today and cancel plans she had with a friend. Now she is saying if she knew I would follow thru with what i said I would, she would not have made such a drastic decision to have to start her life all over. I offered her to stay in my house and I would pay the mortgage and I would go rent a place and take care of this. she ran and now she is complaining that she had to start her life over, her kid was suspended from school last week and she realizes now she is all alone. I know she had to run, but now to come back full force ... I don't know about this. I have a new sense of self, iam happy I finally found out why I was such a pain in the A--, My ADD diagnosis is a blessing in disguise because i know what my limitations are. I get help and Iam taking medications. iam learning to hike, did 15 miles yesterday, Iam excerting myself and using that extra energy working out and learning new things. Iam working on me... Im not ready and probably will not be ready for a while to go back and play house with someoen who is not seeking help for herself, because she too needs to take care of herself.. But iam powerless over that. So yes.. This horrible thing that happened turned out to be something of a new life course for me and iam glad about that.
As far as the effects of what I did to her, i am trying very hard to forgive myself.
Iam so disappointed that she took off and left me fending for myself... she knew I posssibly had ADD but ran anyway. I guess she was protecting her child.
I don't know what to do.. it's such a catch 22.
Do I take care of me or do I go back and pursue her and ger emmeshed with this again..
This question rumbles thru my mind constantly
D...
what is a girl to do...

Hey "U". You mind if I call you "U". I'm too impatient to type Ufore...or anyword I have to think about spelling. Anyway, I read this thread and had to comment.

I'm 40 yrs old, and I've been driven to several lightning quick moments of physical abuse. I've called it lashing out and every other name in the book, but it is what it is, even if its just a shove or hitting someone with a pillow. Its been years and it was relatively minor. But The shock of doing it is something I will hate in myself forever.

Its only happened a couple of times in 15 years of marriage, but I'm deeply deeply ashamed of it and if you can admit struggling with this dark unspeakable side of ADD then so can I. I'll bet a lot of others here know what it feels like.

People who want to moralize and explain the obvious are just exercising mental masturbation to affirm their own goodness. Who in the hell doesn't know that domestic violence is wrong under any circumstance? I don't need Sigmund Freud to tell me that.

I've crossed that line. And I'm married to a wonderful person. It happens. Anyone who can control the most compelling and gutteral urge to strike someone no matter what the circumstances has my utmost respect. I've kept it together a million times, I've walked away, driven away, locked myself up....all sorts of things....but there were those times.

There is no excuse. None at all. I've been capable of nasty violence before. I played Div. I Hockey and knocked heads with some pretty violent people. Been in Barroom scrapes, the whole thing. But Nothing will ever be quite so shameful or guilt wracking as the few times I couldn't keep it together. with my partner.

Thank God I seem to be on to something really positive in treating my ADD diagnosis. I do not condone anyone ever striking their partner in anger for any reason, but having committed that sin, I know its possible. And the people who piously proclaim "I would never ever blah blah blah.....good for you. Count your blessings." I was that same guy. Educated professional, accomplished, athlete., active spiritually, wonderful ubringing...yadda yadda yadda....when the right cocktail of anger, resentment , passive aggressiveness etc...form the perfect storm, don't rule out the possibility that you aren't as in control as you hoped and that your bottom line "Never ever gonna behaviors" get breached.

No problem U.

Sometimes even very good, kind people do terrible things that their better angels knew they shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't ever do.

Its only to be condemned if they don't care enough to face it down and fix it.

Being here is therapeutic for me, and helps me avoid losing control of my mind and my actions. Helps me install a filter between the instintive reaction and the reasoned response.

Now, a reasonable response would be to Go down to Starbucks and get a newspaper and an overpriced calorie laden cafeine bomb....and so I will

eafiii38515.2850925926[QUOTE=UFOUREAH] I am actually doing what I think I need
to. she is seeing that I am making lots of changes
and she is slowly coming back into my life actually, it
seems to me like it is happening a bit fast.
. . .
I know she had to run, but now to come back full
force ... I don't know about this. I have a new sense
of self, iam happy I finally found out why I was such
a pain in the A--, My ADD diagnosis is a blessing in
disguise because i know what my limitations are. I get
help and I am taking medications. iam learning to hike,
did 15 miles yesterday, I am excerting myself and using
that extra energy working out and learning new things.
I am working on me... Im not ready and probably will not
be ready for a while to go back and play house with
someoen who is not seeking help for herself, because she
too needs to take care of herself.. But i am powerless
over that. So yes.. This horrible thing that happened
turned out to be something of a new life course for me
and iam glad about that.

As far as the effects of what I did to her, i am trying
very hard to forgive myself.

I am so disappointed that she took off and left me
fending for myself...she knew I posssibly had ADD but
ran anyway. I guess she was protecting her child.

I don't know what to do.. it's such a catch 22.

Do I take care of me or do I go back and pursue her and
gee emmeshed with this again..
This question rumbles thru my mind constantly
D...
what is a girl to do...
[/QUOTE]
I'm assuming, U, that when you mention you're getting 'help'
in addition to taking meds, that means you are getting
therapy, am I right? BTW, nothing to be ashamed of, since a great
majority of us are getting therapy in combination with our meds
and is highly recommended. So, these are concerns and questions you
need to discuss with your therapist, as well as continue
posting with us.

I'm proud of you with what you are doing for yourself.
Exercise....excellent!
Forgiving yourself. Working on yourself, which
is enough
on your plate at this time, wouldn't you think?

While in alcohol recovery, we were told that during
'recovery'
is was not a good time to pursure any new relationships,
nor any past 'negative' relationships. Which makes
sense, since we were, as you are, trying to focus on
ourselves and bettering our lives. In my opinion...I
would agree it's a little early to consider reuniting/
living with your 'ex'...especially since she was so good
at 'pushing your buttons.'

And I don't believe at all that you were 'left fending for' yourself.
In fact, you have answered your own question "what is a girl to do?"
in your post above (underlined).

So, just keep on working on and looking out for No. 1...yourself,
which no one can do but YOU.

GypsyWomyn38515.5149884259

Well, in addition to my ADD, I'm also in recovery. Been sober for 8 years (Knocking Wood).

I might suggest that although you and your partner chose each other for many honest and true reasons....you may have also chosen each other in part based on dysfunctional character traits. I'll give you an example.

I've been a lot of bad things in my life, but stupid is not one of them. I found a girl in college who was so freaking together and organized, that there was simply no way I could crash and burn if I was with her.

The bills would get paid, The house would be immaculate, the kids would be very well behaved, educated, etc etc. Birthday cards would go to my parents on time...everything.

Problem is.....my wife is diagnosed OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I chose her at some subconcious level because I knew I could keep drinking and the world would not close in on me as fast.

I was right. She is a total perfectionist and very very detail oriented. So....you say....what's the problem then? Well, First, OCD person and ADD person do not go well together at all in terms of how we are wired and how we act. Its a volatile cocktail of mismatched brain function that leads to so many of our misunderstandings and arguments.

Second, her OCD led her to a terrible depression and near suicide after our second child was born and domestic perfection was no longer achievable. Her inward struggle with OCD is as bad as mine with ADD....its just that the world is more accepting of "perfectionists" and "control freaks" than they are accepting of "underachievers" and "lazy, stupid flakes".

So now, we're still together after 20 years (15 yrs marriage next month) and we both have issues that have framed our lives and brought us pain. The oil and water nature of our disorders makes me wonder how in God's name we lasted. I mean to tell you, we're not the types to slap a label on every flaw......she is REALLY OCD and I am REALLY ADD.

someday, I'll right a screenplay about it. It'll be really sad but highly comedic too.

Anyway....back to you....as a recovering drunk, I would advise you to work on yourself if the kids are not yours. You need to step away from the scene for awhile and figure out who you really are and who you really want to be....and only then decide if that includes people from the past relationship.

That extra time and space will also give you time to reflect on what your partner saw in you and why. If it turns out they needed a controlling type to pay the bills and make sure the world didn't crash.....run because that will require you to perpetuate what you are trying to change.

Find someone who's needs from you include things that make you better.

And keep playing the piano...I can't play (No patience to learn)...but my wife plays beautifully(she won't do anything unless she can perfect it)...and that piano I bought has been soooo therapeutic for her. I can tell if she's happy or sad based on what she plays and how she plays it.

Now that I'm diagnosed....we can start to laugh about the oddball pair we are....but I chose her in part to cover my weakness and to perpetuate my addiction. Don't make that mistake. I'm not saying I chose the wrong person....just saying I chose for the wrong reasons, and I truly believe that 95% of people in our situation would have divorced long ago.

Good luck to "U"

What was life like growing up for you? Sometimes our childhoods can tell us a lot about who we are now.