ad/hd as an "excuse" | ADHD Information
ok everyone...got a question for ya....
In this forum, we discuss a lot of our problems that stem from ad/hd, and how to deal with them.
We know that ad/hd causes a lot of our "problems" in life, and we try to struggle through...
But exactly what does it mean to use ad/hd as an "excuse"?
I read lots of people who have different problems and have trouble overcoming them, because ad/hd is the reason behind them...
but exactly at what point does explaining how ad/hd affects one's behavior become using it as an "excuse"?
to me, using ad/hd as an "excuse" is when some one does not even TRY to control their behavior..
theY pretty much say "OH WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, I HAVE AD/HD" and doesn't bother any further with it.
But to me, for some one to say..."I have this or that problem. I have a hard time overcoming it because of my ad/hd...how can I work on this problem being that I have ad/hd? what ad/hd-friendly methods can I use to solve this problem?" is NOT using it as an excuse... it is stating ad/hd as a REASON why the problem is.
The first step in SOLVING a problem is UNDERSTANDING why it is and where the problem stems from....isn't that correct? i mean DOING THIS, is NOT using ad/hd as an excuse...it is just stating an aspect of why the problem is, correct?
what do you guys think?
[QUOTE=notanexcuse]My wife has become more understanding as she grows in her understanding. It's with her that I am careful not to use ADHD as an excuse...
[/QUOTE]MY wife is on the verge of leaving me. If not for the animosities a severe lack of cash has caused between us, I'm convinced this wouldn't be the case.
I make very little money, which certainly preceeds even a faint suspicion that I was adhd. I'm also prone to depression more and more, and I have some self-confidence but I seem kind of unemployable to myself. I'd like to start my own business but I firmly believe it would be doomed to failure from lack of attention and interest.
I'm broke, can't find a decent job, don't have money support or maybe even ability to start my own gig. I'm depressed, lack confidence, maybe about to be single, and I don't know where to turn at all.
I NEED a damned excuse for myself other than "you're a fu**ed up mess."
Okay...more. Although I personally have a difficult time with practicing what I'm about the preach, I still know it's possible because in some aspects it has been working for me:
Knowing we have AD/HD, especially living unaware that we had AD/HD for most of our lives, is the first step...knowledge. As you have stated, Sonya.
Then there ARE skills to learn and tools to use to assist us in being able to better cope and do things that have been/are most difficult for us. It's a matter of educating ourselves.
Sometimes it takes counseling to help us learn and use these new skills and tools. Sometimes it takes meds in addition to counseling or classes. Or even communicating with others like those on these support boards. But whatever it is we decide on or CHOOSE to help ourselves, we must then use our willpower, desire and realization there ARE ways to live with AD/HD and manage to accomplish just about anything we wish...and that it's not necessary (or beneficial) to use ADHD as an EXCUSE. Using AD/HD as an excuse that we cannot do something is never going to help us. Because we CAN.
I hope this has made some sense for you, Sonya...or anyone else, for that matter. I'm wiped out. Good night!
Hi Sonya, I hope I didn't provoke this by my choice of handle. The decision to choose "notanexcuse" was simply motivational for me...maybe ill-chosen given the nature of ADHD. Apologies to any offended, such wasn't my intention.
Now to your question: as I learn more about ADHD and what it has meant to me over the past twenty years or so, I realize that there are things that are in my control. I manage at work to follow procedures well enough to succeed...then there are the social situations amongst colleagues where my impulsive utterances seem to be harder to control. I still want to control the (what I see) as less desirable behaviour, but don't want to blame all of it on this or that condition. I do want control.
My wife has become more understanding as she grows in her understanding. It's with her that I am careful not to use ADHD as an excuse...I have to find ways to slow down my thoughts, to reason out the proper course of action, to focus on one task at a time. I don't have the option of medication, nor of professional help, so I will find a way to reduce the effects of ADHD on my family. Somehow.
Case in point, just returned from three days in hotels. Do you think i could keep my room organized? Nope. Not a hope in hell. Sproing goes my suitcase and crap is everywhere...but I need to find a way to become less messy, less disorganized, and not use ADHD as an excuse. I know I can do it. Somehow.
Just my two cents from a newbie.
Cheers for now,
N.
Oh no, i was not posting in response to your handle at all.
It was brought up a couple other times in a few other threads.
From what you described i don't see you using your ad/hd as an excuse at all.
It was brought up in another thread some time ago that one of our member's acquaintances got a diagnosis for ad/hd when she obviously didn't have it. to me that is looking for excuses...
To me, the first step to figuring out how to solve problems is understanding the problem. Very rarely is a problem solved before it is understood.
I see some non-ad/hders who post that there spouses use their ad/hd as an excuse. How is this so, i wonder?
Maybe you can NOT use ad/hd as an excuse by not throwing it around so much? as in saying oh i have ad/hd, and that's why this is hard for me...
I guess once you UNDERSTAND how ad/hd is affecting your life, THEN you can work on solving it.
I know i get from my dad alot: "i know you have add and everything, but you can still do it if you just try hard enough"....but that's just it. sometimes i CAN'T do it if i just try. so they ask: why can't you do this?...I answer them..."i dunno, i just CAN'T. i have tried and tried and tried (keeping my room/house clean, paying bills on time, getting work done on time....).....maybe because i have ad/hd it is hard for me....maybe i need extra help to control this problem"....but that's when they still keep saying "no you don't need meds. you just need to try harder"...but that does not always work for me..
is that using ad/hd as an excuse?
Actually, Sonya, you've answered your own question in your post:exactly at what point does explaining how ad/hd affects one's behavior become using it as an "excuse"?
...using ad/hd as an "excuse" is when some one does not even TRY to control their behavior...
Exactly! In fact, everything you said is absolutely true.
Using AD/HD as an 'excuse,' in my opinion, is like putting the 'blame' of not being able to accomplish something on having AD/HD. It's seems so many people need to blame something for the way things are, or why things don't go the way they want them to. KWIM? Or it's the easy way out, to explain why we do certain things, or have difficulty doing certain things...an EXCUSE.
I suppose you'd like more specific examples, right? Oy!
...
Oh, good...someone else! Hi notanexcuse!
Sonie...please don't force me to use my brain any more than I have in the past 48 hours. I'm pooped!
More another time, sweetie! 'k?
I agree with Sonya.
I'm big on reason vs excuse, LoL. And, of course, I'm guilty of using at as excuse at times. Usually when I don't want or care to control some aspect of it.
Example...my body language and communication style...I have a difficult time with it at times...I probably always will. Why? I have ADD, and what is natural for me doesn't come accross the best way! So my reason is my ADD.
But for me to say, "Oh well, you're going to have to deal with me not looking at you, interrupting you, not listening, hurting feelings due to blurted words that came across negatively, etc because I have ADD"....well, that's an excuse.
So I work with my friends and family, my boss, my Drs...and I do my best to overcome those issues. Those who are close to me, they may give me some slack, but it doesn't excuse my behavior. My behavior is my responsibilty, not theirs.
I think "reasons" make ourselves responsible...."excuses" give that responsibilty to someone or something else.
[QUOTE=The Resistance!] MY wife is on the verge of leaving me. If not for the animosities a severe lack of cash has caused between us, I'm convinced this wouldn'tbe the case.
I make very little money, which certainly preceeds even a faint suspicion that I was adhd. I'm also prone to depression more and more, and I have some self-confidence but I seem kind of unemployable to
myself. I'd like to start my own business but I firmly believe it would be doomed to failure from lack of attention and interest.
I'm broke, can't find a decent job, don't have money support or maybe even ability to start my own gig. I'm depressed, lack confidence, maybe about to be single, and I don't know where to turn at all.
I NEED a damned excuse for myself other than "you're a fu**ed up mess." [/QUOTE]
TR! Truly sorry to hear about your situation, wife and life in general.
I don't know if you've divulged elsewhere on the board whether you're taking adhd meds or not. If not, is there a possibility of getting on them, or seeing a counselor? I know you mentioned $$ as problem, but if you could at least find a way to get on an antidepressant, through some clinic, etc., I think you'd be amazed with the results (once one is found that works for you).
EEGADS..I just realized if someone were to ask a person that question, and we weren't 'sharing' on a support group forum, they'd probably think...."we'll that's none of your business!" But on these ADHD boards, it seems pretty commonplace, right?
Anyway, I just ask, TR!, because even just getting on an anti-depressant may be enough help to not only deal with the depression, but with your self confidence, as well ...and perhaps the thoughts that starting your own business (which I bet you'd be good at) would be doomed to failure from lack of attention and interest may diminish as well.
. . .
The rest is for whoever is still w/me.
I was terribly depressed before I was dx'd with AD/HD (but didn't know why at the time), and the anti-depressants did help me...enough so to lead me to the realization there was more for which I needed to seek help...for whatever it was I'd been trying to cope with all my life. AD/HD!
Now, I have found a REASON for my BEHAVIOR(s), as a child and as an adult...My unhappiness, my depression, my lack of relationships, my difficulty holding jobs, etc. And although I haven't actually found an AD/HD med they'll let me take that actually works much for me, I have found tools (including the ADult AD/HD boards) and skills that are helping me learn to properly cope (rather than self-medicating by drinking, drugs, etc.)
I try not to use AD/HD as an EXCUSE for my behaviors, just a REASON, which makes it easier to deal with making changes to my 'old habits'...which is what, in my opinion, ADHD symptoms are...habits, albeit habits I had no control over growing up. However, I do have the ability to have control over them now. It's just going to take plenty of hard work, w or w/o meds. That's where motivation comes in...and I'm still seeking tools for motivation.
[quote=ChixcOr]I think "reasons" make ourselves responsible...."excuses" give that responsibilty to someone or something else.[/quote]
Actually, that's it in a nutshell, I believe. Sorry I went on so long, when she said it in one sentence.
GypsyWomyn38508.6147569444[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn] Knowing we have AD/HD, especially living unaware that we had AD/HD for most of our lives, is the first step...knowledge. As you have stated, Sonya.
Then there ARE skills to learn and tools to use to assist us in being able to better cope and do things that have been/are most difficult for us. It's a matter of educating ourselves.
Sometimes it takes counseling to help us learn and use these new skills and tools. Sometimes it takes meds in addition to counseling or classes. Or even communicating with others like those on these support boards. But whatever it is we decide on or CHOOSE to help ourselves, we must then use our willpower, desire and realization there ARE ways to live with AD/HD and manage to accomplish just about anything we wish...and that it's not necessary (or beneficial) to use ADHD as an EXCUSE. Using AD/HD as an excuse that we cannot do something is never going to help us. Because we CAN.
[/QUOTE] I really like what you said GypsyWoman. And I agree with it highly. And you're right "We Can!" ^_^
I don't recall ever shirking from anything using the excuse I'm ADHD. However, I know HOW the ADHD can limit me and therefore try to ascertain if a situational concern is due to ADHD or just normal life/work problems everyone has.
Having said this, I'm sure others see ADHD--if they are aware of it--as yet another one of those "crutches" we use in many situations.
Certainly there are situations that concern me because of the ADHD but I've pushed through some just to be able to say "I did it!" I still hate meetings (most social interaction), but there are communication techniques one can learn that may help make meetings and social interactions easier.
A reality check however. I've returned to college recently and will graduate next year. Because of the ADHD and my INTP personality type, I'm horrified at the prospect of what now to do in life knowing I have these "liabilities."
I think that the most baffling issue of all for all people involved is determining what is either caused by the disorder or made worse by it. versus what is an "excuse"
My advice to spouses or others is to please be very careful about using the "E" word unless you are absolutely sure about how the person is processing.
"excuse" has such a negative sound to it, that if you really are trying to be good and you get labeled, its such a hard thing on you.
That said, I'm sure there are people who DO use it as an excuse, similar to a person using a "back injury" to collect worker's comp. They cause skepticism for every person with a legitimate back injury.
So it is with AD/HD.
I still remember every teacher I ever had who labeled me.