- I have ADD damn it -

I originally started seeing a psychiatrist in early 2003 for the ongoing anxiety I was experiencing which was beginning to effect all aspects of my life.  I just got married 6 months earlier, so I graduated from moderate anxiety to severe anxiety.  In hind-sight, I realize today, that I've been anxious my whole life.  I'm now 31.

My wife of what is now 1 1/2 years is a new Dr. of psychology herself.  We were dating since 1991, when she was 17 and I was 19.  We married in 2002.  My wife who is an excellent psychologist and who has known me for a third of my life didn't know I had ADD.  She knew I suffered from anxiety, and ongoing depression.  Not the crying-all-day...lying-in-bed, kind depression.  No, I had the kind of depression that shows itself through angry outbursts and constant frustration.  The kind of depression that people who don't know they have ADD often have.  Often feeling lost, confused, unfulfilled and always wondering "what the hell is wrong with me anyway".  For some of you, these feelings may be familiar.

Before she was my wife, my girlfriend helped me keep my sanity without me even knowing it.

My first psychiatrist put me on klonopin for immediate help with anxiety and Effexor XR for long term help with anxiety and my depression.  He suggested for me to also see a psychologist.  'My wife is a psychologist, I don't need one', I thought.  But when the depression cleared up, and I was able to think a bit more clearly, I realized I did have issues.  Even though my wife is very good at what she does, the very fact that she is my wife and has known me since I was 19, would make it impossible for her to help me more than she already has.  She was too close.

I met with the psychologist and we talked about family life, childhood, growing up...you know the usual.  Towards the end of our session, she asked me if I ever considered that I may have attention deficit disorder?  What???  Where did that come from?  I'm depressed lady...I'm not here because my fifth grade teacher sent me here!  I'm not bouncing off the walls am I?  This lady doesn't know what she's talking about.  So I thought.

She started repeating things back to me that I said to her.  Then described to me some of the typical symptons, characteristics, flaws, gifts and even thoughts that a typical Adult with ADD may have.  Oh...my...god... This lady knows me.  She knows exactly who I am.

I was confused for awhile and didn't tell my wife right away.  I hopped on the net and looked up more symptons.  I felt shocked, ashamed and vindicated all at the same time.  Finally...everything makes sense now.  Wait! Does this mean that I'm mentally challenged?  No...does it?  No.  I mean, I did get C's & D's in Jr. High & High school, but I'm not slow.  I just didn't like school.  I hated it.  I never knew (nor cared) what the hell they were talking about.  Besides, I'm doing alright.  I'm in (you guessed it) the computer field.  So what if I never became a cop (like I always dreamed about), because of one little impulsive act of road rage.  Screw it!  I'm doing OK.  I didn't need A's & B's to get by.  No, I tell you.  I didn't pay attention in class and I made it out alright!  I have ADD damn it and I've adapted!

That night, couldn't sleep.  Racing thoughts galore.

As I looked back on my childhood.  I realized that I was never very hyper.  I did daycream a lot.  I would also get in trouble for talking and laughing in class.  I scored high on yearly state exams, but never on classwork.  Always had the "not performing to potential" on every report card.  Never could remember my homework assignments.  My mom thought that I was just lying.  So I had to write down my homework assignments and have my teachers sign them off.  Then there was that peculiar ability I had to write programs on the Commodore 64 when I was in the 5th & 6th grade.  I learned by looking at examples in Family Computing magazine.  Man, to this day...I never understood how I learned that stuff.  Too bad I didn't keep it up.  I gave up computers shortly thereafter.  I didn't touch a computer much until 1996.  Having the instinct with PC's the way some of us with ADD have, I got my first computer tech support job in 1998.  One year later, I was hosting a Linux mail & web server from my DSL line at home.

Today, I work for a pretty good company as the resident Linux guru.  However, I'm no guru or expert.  I just have a knack for feeling my way through things.  I work with a bunch of college boys, half of which I think are nimrods.  I'm proud of the fact that in a group of 25 techies, I was the first and only one hired without a 4 year degree.  Now there's another guy.  He's just as scatter brained as I am.  Probably has ADD too.

I'm on Wellbutrin and Paxil for my depression and anxiety.  Last year, I had some bad experiences with Effexor XR and since then stopped therapy and started back up again in March of this year.  I haven't really fully addressed my ADD until recently.  My new doctor started me on Strattera about two weeks ago.  But that's another subject altogether.  I'll write about that someday.

I really like this message board.  It seems like a great place to share experiences and to learn from one another.  I look forward to learning from all of you.  Well, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it!

-JA