How to deal with my family?? | ADHD Information

Have you shared what is going on with you and your diagnosis?  Provide them with information on what is going on.  Another plan is to ignore them, make a joke out of it if you can.  2 minutes is ridiculus for them to act like that.  My husband has ADD and child so when the plans are for 5 pm I tell him 4:30.

Hi, I am new to this forum.  I am glad that I found this place, though.  I am 38 and was diagnosed with ADHD and depression/anxiety last summer.  I was actually excited to be diagnosed because now there are reasons for what I do.  Especially those things I do that I cannot seem to control no matter how hard I try! 

My coworkers are pretty supportive of me and my limitations.  My diagnosis helps me in my work as a teacher, because now I have a better feel for those students who are experiencing the same things as I am.  Also, I can spot it better with others.  I helped a family through the diagnosis this year.  I came off as a teacher who cares about their child instead of a teacher who wants to put control their child and put him on meds. 

My family is what I am working on.  My son graduated from high school this past weekend.  We took a family picture with my parents, my brother's family, and my family at a formal photographer.  I was late (to their standards).  I got there at 2:58 and the appointment was scheduled for 3:00.  I got totally harrassed for being "late".  My family does not understand how I do not have any concept of time and how long things take me to get done.  I am downloading stuff that I plan to send to them to help.  But are there any suggestions in the future when this type of thing comes up?  Also, I felt so totally bad about myself in those moments. 

I was relieved for the diagnosis because I have always been called lazy, stubborn, totally wrapped up in myself instead of others, etc.  I would never call anyone these names.  Is it any wonder why I suffer from depression?  It is amazing how good I can be feeling about myself until I get with my family.  Any suggestions?  Advice?  I would appreciate any and all comments.

__________________
super t Back to Top I wouldn't dare try to even tell my family (other than my wife), let alone tell them and then expect them to excuse any lateness or anything else due to adhd.

They would consider it as PERFECT PROOF I am just a slacker who is too lazy and stupid to suck onto the "American Dream" as they see it, an excuse for slacking from a slacker.

Your family sounds critical but the very idea you can first, tell them, and then download info and give it to them and expect them to actually read it and then come to understand you......better count your blessings even if they are critical.

Start thinking up funny comebacks that won't hurt too much but may trigger some thought on their part and aleviate the anger/depression on yours. Here's an example.

My Mother is super-organized and it's been non-stop criticism about my tardiness, disorganization, and all the rest. For many years I suffered from depression. When not depressed, I would get angry. However, now I'm just waiting for the next opportunity to say this. I even think my Mother will get a good laugh from it, too.

After I realized I had ADD with no reservations, I ordered a book from Amazon and had it sent to her. I have breast cancer now so she's more amenable to doing things to help me deal with it, so I thought this might be my chance.

When I called to see if she'd received it, she had but "Supermom" somehow managed to get spaghetti sauce all over it (very atypical of her) and "had to throw it away." The next time she gets on me about one of my ADD-related behaviors, I'm going to say something to the effect of, "Well, if you're just read that book rather than trying to eat it, maybe you'd have a chance of understanding!"

In the case of being two minutes early (I'd consider that a huge achievement--rarely happens with me), I'd say something smartassy like, "Are you kidding? You're lucky I got the right hour!" Other people don't HAVE to get it, if you do and don't make a bigger deal of it than it is.

People, in general, rely far too much on other people's standards and their crap. It's critical to remember than there not one single perfect human being in the world. We need to find ways to keep other people's stuff from making us feel bad about ourselves. There are many ways to do that, depending on the person you're dealing with. Some people may need to be emotionally hurt in order to be stopped, but I think those are few. Humor, information, ignoring them and changing the subject, confusing the hell out of them by telling a joke that only you likely get, and a whole range of other strategies help keep us from becoming an oppressor to them in the same way they've been to us. The game is just the same, the shoes are just being worn on different feet and that's not good.

We are who we are and have to try our best to grow in the ways we want to--NOT the way other people want us to be. That, I believe, is the most crucial lesson of all.

sachetm38519.6840277778Thanks for your input.  I have always been different than my family.  I.E. more emotional, creative, etc.  They are very black and white people.  When one of my closest friends was dying from cancer the words of compassion from my dad was "you knew she had cancer when you met her" and my brother's was "we all are going to die some day."  So as you can see there is not much room for emotions.  I am just going to have to stop letting their b.s. get to me and take care of myself!Thanks Sachem for your help.  I will try to ocme back at them with humor.  It is hard because these habits and roles of the family are well grooved.  I automaticially go into defensive/protective mode with them.  Even my 18 year old says I become a wimp around my family.  So I will give what you said some thought! 

People are so cruel.  Especially family.  I've often said that 'Family will be meaner with each other than with their own enemies.'  Of course this isn't every family but some know exactly what I mean.

I've begun researching ADD and I'm amazed at how much I see myself and others around me in it.  At least alot of people have alot of the traits.  Well a friend said that her husband's family calls one of the son-in-laws "ADD".  They don't do it to his face but behind his back they'll say things like "What's ADD done lately?"

I heard this on Friday and then had to see these people yesterday.  It was all I could do to not say anything.

autumnstar

I just turn out all the lights, lock the doors and windows, and get really quiet. Then they go away.

Most people, I've found, don't mean to be cruel, they're just scared--of just about everything--and especially of self-examination. (Terrified of what they might find if they look. Silly rabbits!) With family, there are only two routes I can see. Either find a way to keep them from getting to you that's not just as bad as what they do to you (I like using the analogy of muzzling a dog with a tendency to bite. Doesn't hurt the dog but sure keeps him from biting you), or get away from them. With people committed to being creeps (for whatever reason), the latter might be the only viable solution. But I think that's probably the exception rather than the rule.

It's hard, I know. With family, we've got a lifetime of reacting to them in a prescribed way. But if we don't like the results, we have to change. Hard enough to change oneself and impossible to change others. Maybe "kind manipulation" (like the muzzle) is another way to think of it. We need to learn strategies to manipulate ourelves from reacting in the same old way as well as to motivate them from putting us in that position in the first place.

As I said in another post, one thing my Mother and I learned to do that worked really well when my Father got in a foul mood, was to go "grump him." It made him start laughing every time and turned everyone's bad mood into laughter. Mother and I would start laughing as soon as one of us would say, "let's go 'grump' Daddy!" The trick, I think, is to learn how to stop reacting to the (perceived) put-downs and criticisms.

Humor is probably one of the most effective ways, even if you're the only one laughing. At least it pulls you out of feeling crummy, and that usually helps others, too. Hard to stay pissed around someone who's happy--especially, someone who's laughing. As they say, laughter tends to be contageous.

A good therapist can help us learn new strategies. We can also share some strategies here.

Thanks sachetm. The disappointment seems to come in waves.  Wow, super t! You sound EXACTLY like me.

My mother is super kind and caring; my dad is supportive in his own way, but it's my brother that is completely black and white...COMPLETELY. His daughter happens to be almost a carbon copy of me and she has told me twice that "my dad thinks we are just total screwups."

It's especially hurtful to me because I struggled without any diagnosis, knowledge, or meds to get a Bachelors degree. I can't even express how difficult this was; the tears, the deep, suicidal depression (undiagnosed), the low self esteem. I battled what felt like slaying a dragon all by myself.

He thinks I am lazy and looking for excuses. I know I am not lazy whatsoever. I love to do good work. He even knows this because I will perservere until I physically fall over when I have conviction about something.

Also, his daughter was into drugs and had a bit of a wild, party life. I NEVER did that...never experimented with drugs and made a point of avoiding thrillseeking or the partying type life, etc.

I managed to get out of debt and buy a condo in So. CA--all on my own.

I managed to start my own business and have been successful for several years.

He thinks I am weak because I admit to depression, anxiety, insomnia. He thinks I am looking for a free ride or an easy way out. He has NO compassion for anyone needing public assistance of any kind...unless I suppose it is VERY obvious as to why.

He thinks its pathetic that I live near my mom who will come over and help me.

Anyway, I am 40 (he is 50) and he is so hurtful and critical. He was my big brother that I loved so much, but even as a child I always felt a sort of love/bite relationship. He would take me to do things and then be mean and critical of me and make me feel like dirt. I wanted nothing more than to just be around him. He's all I had.

As he gets older, he has become so rigid and smug or self contained is maybe a better word. He doesn't need me or my mother apparently. He never calls, but he will drive within 2 hours of our homes and then tell us that he did, but that he didn't have time to call or let us drive up to see him. His emails always feel like mixed messages.

I needed a degree in a related field to even establish:

*What is happening

*How I feel

*To recognize that he is probably either a) socially incompetent or b) passive aggresive. 

Up until then, I just internalized that there was something bad and inferior about me. 

Bottom line: He has a problem. I would imagine that there are consequences to his way of thinking and behaving...though you would never know what they are because he always happily replies that things are "Fine." Hmm...

It still has a bite to it, but at least I have a different perspective that is more self respecting.

bb

Bluebird, I'm sorry to hear about your brother but am glad you've finally been able to realize that the problem is his, not yours.

I hope you'll trust me when I tell you that people like this are NOT happy and never can be as long as they make the choices they have. Deep down, they know they're a-holes and spend their lives running from that knowledge (although they don't have a clue exactly why they are--mainly because they don't make the effort to find out.)

Although it's sad that you can't enjoy a brotherly friendship, given the choices he's made, consider yourself lucky that he stays away. Life is sometimes like that and people make choices we're often not happy with. But they're their choices and have to be accepted. Toxic people, which is what he's chosen to be, need to be kept away as far as possible. There are simply too many nice, supportive people around to allow them in our lives to pull us down to their own level of misery. That's just the way it is. Many things in life are sad and this is one of them. Just focus on the things that aren't.