Impulsiveness in young adult | ADHD Information

My husband and I always felt that our son had some level of ADHD. Whe he was younger we discussed this with our peditrician who felt that he had a high activity level. We watched him closely, monitoring his diet. and school work, etc.  He did fairly well in elementary school but middle school and high school presented more of a challenge (to all of us)..He was able to maintain a B average although he is capable of much better grades. In looking back at things, I think he had ADHD tendencies if there is such a thing.

Right now, we are at our wit's end with our son (age 20).  My husband and I thought that we were doing the right thing in allowing him to move out of the house and live with some friends.  He attended college for only one semester.  He found that now as he is older, he is having a difficult time in concentrating  and focusing during class discussions.  So, he left college and found a good job in sales.  This is right up his alley as he has a great personality and is quite likeable. 

What has put me over the edge is that we have just discovered that  he has gone through his savings and also anything that he has earned these past 9 months.  I am sick to death over the large amount of money that has been spent. After talking to him, the money was not spent on drugs or gambling, just "fun things"...but he went through it like water.

What do we do next?  We have tried talking to him about budgeting his money.  We now have him on a schedule (again) where we will help him with his finances...I am just sick and making myself physically ill over this.

Help!

Hi GardenHobby, I read your post and I was so surprised at how similar your son's situation was to my own that I just had to reply.
I am a 21 year old male that decided uni wasn't for me when I finished school and got a job as a full time manager in a fast food restaurant. I did really well there because customers loved my personality and I was good with my employees

My parents let me move out with friends when I was 19 but I moved back home again after several months because my housemate lost his job.

I worked full time for two and a half years, I didn't save a dime. In fact I got myself into debt with a car loan, speeding/parking fines, mobile phone bills, partying, partying, partying, buying expensive clothes I couldn't afford and whatnot.

I basically kept pushing it to the side and not dealing with the fact I had a problem, until I couldn't hide it anymore as I crashed my car and had to admit I could not afford to pay the excess on my insurance premium.

My parents went nuts, they made me add up all my debts and now they are going to pay them to keep me out of court. They're basically saving my ass, and yes I have been diagnosed with ADHD but was not receiving treatment at the time. On top of that my parents are going to make me manage my finances. My pay now goes straight to their bank account for now, (I have to pay back part of the money they are fronting). I'm allowed a small amount of my pay each week for living expenses and going out, the rest goes to my parents, my credit card debt (they're not paying for that) and other stuff.

Without my parents finding out I would have kept accumulating more and more debt. However now I'm receiving treatment for my ADHD and my parents are keeping a close eye on my spending and basically forcing me to be responsible I'm looking forward to getting on top of my finances now that my ADHD is in check. In the past, schedules and budgets my parents tried with me always failed somehow.

I'm also back at university this year and find it so much easier to join in class discussions and listen attentively during lectures now that I'm on appropriate medication.

Just thought I would share my experience so hopefully your son doesn't end up where I was. Because what you've described now is where I was just over a year ago. Thanks to my parents support it's now a weight off my shoulders and I have a chance at a fresh start. I've learnt a big lesson from it.

Ryan

Well I'm in Australia so our meds are the same but by a different name. I'm on Dexamphetamine, which is the main alternative to Ritalin here. Not 100% sure what the equivilant is in the USA. I was on them from when I was 9 yrs old until I was 11 and they worked well, however my parents were concerned about the effects it could have on me while I was growing so they took me off. So basically I just went back to the specialist to basically get help and we decided to go back on dexamphetamine which come in little 5mg tablets. Which is annoying as 200 of the little buggers only lasts 25 days.

They definitely help although I do worry about the long term side effects  

Ryan,

Congratulations on working so hard and handling your problems "head on" !!!  If you don't mind answering, I would like to know what medication you are on and how long it took to find the right meds.  Finding the right meds for our ADHD kids is a tough one, let me tell you!

Ryan, Thank you!  Thank you!  I can relate to your story so very much!  I am so glad you replied.  Your response gives my husband and I a lot of hope that things will eventually work out with our son.  Tomorrow, he is having a physical.   In setting up the appt., I had told the nurse our ADHD concerns and she said if it is ok with your son, why don't you come in after the exam and chat with the dr. and your son.  Son agreed as he recognizes that he may definitely have ADHD and feels comfortable in having me there so that we can both talk to the dr.

We are continuing to help him get back on his feet  as he realized that he really went through a lot of money, basically on the same things that you spent your money on. Right now, we are reworking his  budget.  We tried this before and have regrouped and will try again.

Your parents sound like great people who really love and support you! Hugs to all of you.  Thanks again...

No problem, it makes me feel better that I'm not the only person to make the mistakes I've made, I'm just so grateful for my parent's support.. If they didn't reach out to me I would have kept getting worse. The hardest part for me was saying no when my mates ask me to go out. Just half an hour ago I finished an exam and got asked to come for drinks.. Believe me I would have gone if my parents weren't holding my pay for me, which is how things must stay until I get into the habit of not spending. It might take a long time before I can manage my own money again, but I can't thank my parents enough for the sacrifices they have made for me.

I was actually stunned by how much they have gone out of their way to help me get back on top of things, they really pulled me through what was starting to become a depressing time for me. All that they've done for me has actually motivated me to do put 100% into my studies so one day I can give something back to them.

I hope things do work out for you and your son, believe me he might not appear to be happy or enthusiastic about changing his ways, just be understanding but be firm about it. If I can be of any help or if your son wants someone to relate to just pm me.

good luck :)

Thanks lillian and arbiterxero..your responses mean a lot to me.  It has taken a few days but I am trying to calm myself down after learning about his impulsive and reckless spending these past few months.  My husband and I are going to continue to work with him in trying to guide him towards how to spend and save his money wisely.  Our jobs as parents never really end....l am not sure if life's lessons are harder for the parent or the child.  Thanks again....I will keep you updated. I am so glad I found this forum!Get him DX'd


The diagnosis and then, supporting medicines, programs and just community helps alot....see what works for you and look up ADD/ADHD methods for dealing with things. Personally I have 2 methods with money. I'm either in super saver mode or super-spender......unfortunately they're both extremes.

Ahh!

Your son might want to be evaluated for ADHD.  It sounds as if he has found a good alternative to college--his job in sales--so taking meds to concentrate may not be an issue.  At twenty, he has to decide whether or not meds are something he wants to do.

The money issue...He's twenty.  He's living on his own, and he has to learn how to manage his life without you and your husband.  These years are learning by being "thrown into the fire" times, for all of us.  If he wasn't learning about how to handle money, he would be learning about something else.  I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is sitting back and letting your child learn life's lessons, but it is our responsibility to do so.  It is our responsibility to rear children to become adults.  It hurts, like HECK, to watch them make mistakes we have warned them about, but that's life.  We can be, and should be, here to give them emotional support and to reassure them that there is someone in the world who loves them and always will, but we cannot pick up all the pieces. 

It sounds like you and your husband bailed your son out financially.  I don't know for sure, but that's what your post sounds like.  I would make it clear that this was the last time you were going to do so, then remind him how many people have second jobs to pay off debts.  I've worked two jobs and survived it (I've been on my own since I was eighteen), and your son will survive it, too. 

Hello,

I am almost identical to Ryan, Aussie as well except the female version! I am 21 and have given some control to my parents. Both have bailed me out heaps god bless them:) and I have done my best to start paying them back eventually.

Try to put aside 10-20 percent of your earnings each week. The only fact I can give you is if you don't have it you won't spend it!

Hey Ry if you want to email me rockstatic@hotmail. Good to see another Australian here.

hey kristen.. emailed you!  

Nice to know I'm not the only Aussie on these boards!

Ryan,

Thanks for your notes. It is inspiring to see the young adult get on their feet. I have TWO boys, 16 and 12 who struggle with adhd. The teen still fights everything at this point.

So let me tell you the things you have shared are the life lessons we all learn... meaning you are maturing!!!

Best of luck to you. When I was in college (many moons ago) I had two dear Aussie friends I connected with here in the states and I still smile thinking of them.

Jennifer

Your welcome, if my life experience can be of help to any parent / child who struggles with ADD then that's fantastic.

PS best of luck to you with your two sons.. I'm trying to imagine my parents dealing with two of me, it's not happening hehe. I have a perfectly normal little brother and sister though and that's handful enough I thinks.

 

U guys grls people allways want to know more of you and u have to be
able to quiz them in the good way. dont trust phytriatrics cos they write
stuff about u and this could get u into a home or it could also help if u
commit an offence but they also are trying to help by making u yes u
more better