Without knowing the people involved personally I can't really say what the best approach would be but here it goes...
I would sit down with her and before saying anything I would just reassure her that you understand she is his mother and that you are not in any way trying to take over that role. Then go onto saying that you are however, very concerned about you stepson because of some of the things he has said (being stupid) and that you only want to help him start to get ahold of this--to manage it.
It sounds like it's going to be up to you to educate her, but not in a condescending way. It's going to be tricky, start by seeing what her concerns are about the diagnosis and what fears she has about the medications. Then ask her if she's aware that children that do not receive the proper help (therapy, meds, or both) for ADHD tend to have lower self-esteem, learning problems, drug addictions, and can have various other problems. Again reassure her that you know she loves her son and that you are not trying to take over or tell her what to do, but that you are concerned.
Ultimately it will be up to her and the father what will be done, but you can do something to help your stepson too. Educate yourself on things you can do to help him. Talk to doctors, therapists, friends, teachers, and other parents of children w/ADHD on things you can do to help him in school--heck in life. More importantly reassure him that you care about him and that there is nothing wrong with him and that with or without medication he will always face challenges. You obviously care about him and I think that will carry him farther than anything.
Have you tried posting on the parents of kids w/adhd board on this site? I'm suggesting this bc I know there are several parents w/adhd kids or step kids who have had trouble with their spouses or ex-spouses etc. Maybe they would be of some help or at least some comfort to you.Try therapy to help teach him the skills necessary that is what I am doing for my 5 year old. I myself would rather use alternatives before any medication. I too worry about medications and my childs future. I have heard both good and bad stories. Therapy is a good start.I have been battling with my husband and his ex-wife for 4 years now to get help for my stepson. I have had nothing but an uphill battle to get him diagonsed and medicated. Even though he has been diagnosed now by two doctors who have come to the same conclusion of severe ADHD his Mother seems to be in denial and his Father has lost the will to continue the fight with his mother after 4+ years. This child is now going into 5th grade has an extremly difficult time reading, dislikes school and told me last night that he is stupid. I am so upset because I do not know what to do. The more I push to get him help the less his Mother wants to do. His Mom has now now decided to take him off the medication for the summer. In the first week he has hurt himself as well as dammaged several things including chewing through a controller wire on his video game. My Husband and I also have a 3 year old who is always watcing and now begining to act like her older brother. I am concerned for his health mental well being and safety as well as my daughter. Any suggestions?I don't know how you can make his mom do anything. All I can say is that for myself, I'm researching things that can help myself with non-med approaches. Maybe you can help him by just being there for him to talk to - if he'll talk to you. Try using the approach of not telling him "you need your meds" but telling him that "it's not your fault", since guilt is a problem for us. Many times kids don't want to be on the meds and are willing to try other approaches - learning listening skills, organization skills, work on reading skills, etc.
Without knowing the boy, I can't say what could work. I know in some cases, divorced families fight just to deny the other family from being 'right'. Maybe the mother doesn't want to hear that you're right about his condition. Maybe she hates how he acts while he's on the meds. (I've heard that some kids turn into zombies on the meds)
I know that I personally had to learn some skills (growing up) to be able to handle every day situations - I had to do this all alone with no diagnosis. Try talking to the boy to see what his feelings are, does he want to try to handle things without the meds? If yes, you can help by researching those methods and helping him with them.
Just a suggestion. Good Luck.
[QUOTE=in search of]I have been battling with my husband and his ex-wife for 4 years now to get help for my stepson. I have had nothing but an uphill battle to get him diagonsed and medicated. Even though he has been diagnosed now by two doctors who have come to the same conclusion of severe ADHD his Mother seems to be in denial and his Father has lost the will to continue the fight with his mother after 4+ years. This child is now going into 5th grade has an extremly difficult time reading, dislikes school and told me last night that he is stupid. I am so upset because I do not know what to do. The more I push to get him help the less his Mother wants to do. His Mom has now now decided to take him off the medication for the summer. In the first week he has hurt himself as well as dammaged several things including chewing through a controller wire on his video game. My Husband and I also have a 3 year old who is always watcing and now begining to act like her older brother. I am concerned for his health mental well being and safety as well as my daughter. Any suggestions?[/QUOTE]
Don't worry so much. Praise him for what he does well. I totally agree with his mother on this one. These meds are not asparin, they will affect your health over time. Medicine vacations are a good thing.
If he is not stupid, tell him so, and why. If he is stupid, tell him that it's not such a bad thing, because it isn't a bad thing. Teach him to care about other people and be a good person. Thats all any kid needs to live up to, and the meds contribute nothing to this. I know this because I take the meds myself and I know what they do.