Problem with Beautician | ADHD Information

Yes, Reizende! Just because we might say it's cold, doesn't mean we're complaining!

Just stating a fact, right!

fukaiotaku, unfortunately difficulties in conversing and getting ourselves to be understood is problematic with AD/HDers. I suppose it's one of the reasons we've had difficulties making/keeping friends and relationships all our lives.

When you see your beautician next time, let her talk about herself for the short while you're there. Other people love to talk about themselves as well. And you'll come across as a good listener. And when she asks how you are doing, try to just say, "Not bad, but tell me about what's going on with you." Bite your tongue if you must, but give it a try next time you go over there.

Believe me, it's not easy, I should know! However, it does work. I am also like that. I am constantly told "stop complaining". Not really complaining at all. Just outwardly commenting on every little thing I do. That includes good things. Like "I'm cold" "This is funny" etc.I'm now having an argument with my beautician. She is getting fed up with my attitude that I have when going over to her house to get my hair done. This has been going on for a long time. I always apologize to her too. But last appointment, there were so many things going on at home and our phone was disconnected and when I got there she had told me that she had rescheduled for my appointment for next week and out of the blue I exploded in her face that our phone was disconnected. And she said there's no reason to get an attitude with me. Plus she was packing for vacation and she was babysitting her grandchildren that day. She says that all I do whenever someone asks about how I'm doing is talk about the bad things, and that I only talk about myself. And this really bothers her. She has talk to my mom and my mom says that I need to stop being so egocentric to everyone. I don't know what to do. But I already called my beautician and left a message of an apology, she won't get back until Friday from vacation. I'm just a little nervous. I have a feeling she'll be upset at me for a while. Is this ADD or just stress? And I admit I am egocentric, I don't have a lot of friends, so the only people I talk about are me and my family.I think it's just stress. ADD maybe in a very indirect way. When things are very hard on people, they do tend to become pre-occupied with themselves. It's hard to care about someone elses life when you have a near emergency happening every day that requires your full focus to resolve.[QUOTE=bluebird38] Excellent advice to bite tongue and listen to others (so hard for me too, I have to force myself a lot, especially if I perceive them as boring types that drone on).

I am going to take another angle here...what is up with the hairdresser? Whenever I have had public service jobs, I just suck it up if there is an unusually chatty customer. I just figure that it is how they are and certainly never commented about it. I'm there to do my job and they are paying. I can't even picture myself having the audacity to comment about something like that, unless there is more of a personal family relationship or something.
[/QUOTE]
[quote=fukaiotaku]...And she said there's no reason to get an attitude with me [her]. Plus she was packing for vacation and she was babysitting her grandchildren that day. She says that all I do whenever someone asks about how I'm doing is talk about the bad things, and that I only talk about myself. And this really bothers her.[/quote]
BB, in my opinion (w/o being critical of your opinion

) her beautician takes her customers into her home, which may mean it's a bit more 'personal' relationship between her and her customers. You know what I mean? I also somewhat admire her beautician for expressing to fukaiotaku what it is that bothers her...although it is important whether she used tact or not. I personally admire when someone tells me (tactfully) that something I do is bothering them. But in this case, it just seems both were under stress and lashed out at one another w/o tact. However, it happens to the best of us.

Fukaiotaku, I'm glad you have the opportunity to at least try just listening on Friday, and biting your tongue, if necessary.

Good luck!

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]Yes, Reizende! Just because we might say it's cold, doesn't mean we're complaining!

Believe me, it's not easy, I should know! However, it does work. [/QUOTE] You know what GypsyWoman, that sounds like great advice. And I called my beautician to set up another appointment and she accepted my apology and said thank you for it. I think I will try what you said. And I think things are starting to get better already. I just think I'm in one of those bitchy moods right now, and I'm trying to get myself out of it. It feels just like having a baby or something...*no offensense to mothers on this board* but...this mood, it just won't go away

But I've got to try much harder!Excellent advice to bite tongue and listen to others (so hard for me too, I have to force myself a lot, especially if I perceive them as boring types that drone on).

I am going to take another angle here...what is up with the hairdresser? Whenever I have had public service jobs, I just suck it up if there is an unusually chatty customer. I just figure that it is how they are and certainly never commented about it. I'm there to do my job and they are paying. I can't even picture myself having the audacity to comment about something like that, unless there is more of a personal family relationship or something.

[QUOTE=GypsyWomyn]
When you see your beautician next time, let her talk about herself for the short while you're there. Other people love to talk about themselves as well. And you'll come across as a good listener. [/QUOTE]

I'm new to the list, have been pouring over all the subject posts for the last day trying to figure out where to step in as I have so many questions about things. However, the post above is incredible. Sorry if I appear to ramble.

Like most ADHD (and INTPs) I've never liked parties or "normal" conversation as it seems so boring. On one hand I find people incredibly cruel in things they say, yet am puzzled because many times I anger people by saying things I feel are pretty level-headed (I hope some may offer insight into this for me).

Anyway, over the last 10-15 years I've become a communications "addict." One of the things I've done in those horrid social situations is NOT worry about interacting but simply listen. It may seem hard for some at first, but if you try it you'll can used to using active and empathic listening techniques.

My wife kids me occasionally because we'll go to some social thing and afterward she'll say jokingly, "You now, I'm tired of you telling me you're an introvert! I don't know what you do but everyone loved you at the party!!" Understand, I have little interest in interacting or being buddies with a bunch of people I don't know. But by becoming this "active" listener, it accomplishes a couple things.

First, you are not put into a "normal" situation of disclosing or talking about uninteresting stuff. Second, because as stated above, people absolutely, positively love talking about themselves, you'll instantly become this wonderful "conversationalist" without disclosing a thing or even becoming actively involved in the conversation. Lastly and perhaps more important, by becoming an active listener, I've found at times I actually learn things that may be of importance to me in the future.

It's sort of like the joy of reading a book, except as you active listen you may drive the conversation to areas of your interest. Good luck, hope this is some help. Thanks.

Russ

I've had similar experience - where I run into trouble
is with explaining WHY I've done/will do something,
which I do to understand and change it if it was a
problem, but this one guy (also ADD!!... I guess he
just forgot always?) would constantly demand that I
"stop making excuses!" - and of course I always felt
the need to explain what I was actually doing...
Anyway, I try to write down the "why I did it" stuff if I
can, or think about it instead. At the time it was so he
wouldn't yell at me, but it also speeds up
conversations and such.
Also, the "active listening" thing at parties is SO
TRUE!!! I've gotten pretty good at it, and it's good at
training my focus (following long convoluted stories).
It is also good for one girl I know who usually ends
up being the one listening and giving lots of advice. I
listen and the "advice" I give is simply to confirm the
things that sounded positive!

Anyway, stress or ADHD? Probably both, try the
active listening thing with your beautician, and if you
can, do things to reduce stress levels.Thanks for all your comments everyone. I get my hair done next Friday and I'll use the technique that you guys have mentioned. *if I can remember, just kidding..or am I?* I'll let you know how it goes, but I chose for my hair to be done in the morning so let's hope the outcome is better. I chose in the morning because it seems that I'm not as grouchy and not as many things "pile" on me in the morning. Wish me luck.

My beautician appointment went great. I was in a good mood today. And I listened to what she had to say. I didn't even have to bite my tongue. But before we went to my beautician appointment my mom and I went to Bob Evan's for breakfast, and man was I hyper! I was squirming in my seat and tapping my fingers and saying stuff that was in my mind or making noises (that's usual for me). My mom knew I was hyper, she was just reading a book, we were waiting for our drinks and food to get to us. So far I'm having a good day.

Remember...bite your tongue, if you need to. And, if the subject you've both apologized already about comes up...just "Hey...that's water under the bridge." And then ask her how's she doing.

OMG...I've done it again! I thought today was next Thursday, the 15th.

Elisabeth, since you mentioned beautician in a post today...didn't you have another appointment with her this past Friday? So, how'd it go? Do tell. Did you do a bunch of listening?

Actually, that appointment is tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how that goes when I get back.