people coming over | ADHD Information

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Does anyone else dislike having people (friends, family, etc) coming over to your house?

Everytime my family decides to visit, I go into a panic. Especially my mom. I am 1 of those people w/ADHD that are EXTREMELY neat & organized. Before I started taking meds or got diagosed when I have people over I was always picking up after them & would clean before they got here & while there were here, would never sit down to visit. I would have to go to my room sometimes & shut the door to get away from them. I would hate to sit down & have a conversation.

Now that I've started taking meds & they know about my newly diagnosed condition (my family is still in denial) it will be interesting on Mon when they come to visit how I am going to behave while they are here.

My husband laughs & tries to calm me down constantly because starting today (Wed) I'm starting to get upset because they are coming to visit for a week.

Anyone else feel this way? Any suggestions on how to handle situations such as these?

Thanks

 

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I at times or depending on the situation or mood I'm in do not like having people over at times. I live with my mom and every Tuesday she has her Bible Study and it's a small group but that still means to me, people over. It's usually her friends even if they know me. Also, my mom will invite my brothers and their families over for lunch or dinner at the very last minute and I will be told about it the night before or way ahead of time and still get upset about it. My brothers have children and their young and energetic, especially my 3 year old nephew. He can throw really loud temper tantrums. I have sensory issues, but I just leave to talk a walk outside or go in my room. It can be pretty chaotic in the house. I at times do get over stimulated when I hear so much noise in the house. At times I want to go off but I can't. I'm an adult with ADD/ADHD and Asperger's and a bunch of other problems.   I can also understand being neat and organized, I am like that when my neices and nephew are over, they're playing or making a mess and they're at the age where they don't want to pick up after themselves, so I don't mind doing it. If I see any mess I go right to straightening it up. I don't mind. Hope everything works out for you. 

I can understand your feelings...I get that way too.  I don't mind so much having people over but I don't like having to carry on conversations with the guests. So since I do all the cooking in the house, I keep myself busy in the kitchen with the meal or getting whatever for the guests...not lingering too long with any guest just making sure that they had everything they needed and move onto something else. My wife takes care of the conversations with the guests. I used too drink alot while I was cooking which helped with the anxiety (caused by the ADD)but I got to be a mess by the end of the night. A lot of times I will go out into the garage or the basement to get away.  The two gatherings we have had since my diagonsis have been small enough that things went okay, probably due to the medication, but I think things could have gone better.  I really can't offer any advice on how to deal with the feelings but I do know what you go through. We entertain often and my only anxiety is from wondering what I am forgetting to do.  I have to continually remind myself to ask people if they need something to drink, ask my wife if she needs help, not space out during a conversation.  Add a coupe beers and my potential for screwing up goes through the roof.  But I've gotten better (or at least I tell myself that).  I like being alone. I am highly uncomfortable having people around me, unless it someone I am dating. Even when my place is clean I can't stand having people come over.

Man, I hated having company!  My ex and I would always fight over it as she is social and I couldn't be.

I always felt like I'd have to be "on".  I had to act around people.  The more foreign the person the more anxiety I'd feel.  Her father and relatives made me break out in sweat and want to run!

When I could hack the alcohol I'd get some in me and would make me feel a bit more in control - but so mouthy I'd end up being the "jerk of the party".  That lead to self-flagellating and months of guilt and looping the event in my head.

I still don't like parties and big crowds but find with meds in me I can hack 8 or so people in a room quite nicely.

I now don't feel like I'm going to blurt something dumb like "I used to wet my bed" - then go "what? where did that come from!?!" and months of beating myself up.  I can now stay on topic - and comment on how nice they look, the weather or other "small talk"

It's nice not feeling so under pressure like some bloated balloon ready to let go with some stupid release of random words like a bad case of tourettes.

It gets easier with practice if you try say  3 people in your lunch room at work/school?  I started that way and though at first I felt dumb - I played it back later and didn't seem so bad!

Now - people in my home - hmmm... I still would probably freak.  It's the one place I feel safe from the world.  People in here would be a great breach of my one safe place left.

I plan to force myself to have people over eventually.  I even took out my tables and extra chairs to avoid it but I know it's necessary to make that move.  If I don't take away the last safe place - what's to say I don't end up locked in here forever? 

Something to think about.

I hate parties! Grr! Mostly it's all small talk and new
people - I hate meeting new people in a situation
where we aren't DOING something - I'm GREAT with
being around lots of people, new people, even
talking to them at the time as long as we are DOING
something - hence my favoured way of travel is
"WWOOFing" (willing workers on organic farms),
where I've met and worked with lots of people, many
of them probable ADHD (creative, strike it out on their
own, couldn't hold a job - but now live in a farm co-op
or are travelling/working and LOVE it - also their
sense of time, and many seem to be totally
overwhelmed in a city, like me).
But at parties, I will either sit in one place alone and
basically people-watch, or I go from room to room
and talk to anyone I actually know, OR, if it's at my
own house, there are fewer people generally
anyway, and I just make food, drinks, etc. and
everyone is okay with it. My parents and family are a
lot like me and, actually, we rarely had people over
when I was a kid - my dad HATES being around
people (says he only likes dogs and 2-year-olds).
I dislike holidays and celebrations and graduations
and weddings for the same reason of being
uncomfortable with smalltalk and having nothing to
do. I usually try to find some kids or musicians and
hang out with them.

"Everytime my family decides to visit, I go into a panic. Especially my mom"  I can totally understand that one!  The nice part for me is that my parents stay over at my brother's house.  However, I still go into panic mode when I know they are coming over because they can be so critical.  I will even scrub the walls!

"It's the one place I feel safe from the world.  People in here would be a great breach of my one safe place left."  I am the same way.  I feel like I hold myself together so much out in the world, that it is truly comforting to come home and let my hair down and just be myself.  My son then gets the brunt of it...but I tell him how lucky he is to have a mother who makes life interesting!

[QUOTE=GlenW]

I always felt like I'd have to be "on".  I had to act around people. [/QUOTE]

I can relate to this as for years I was really uncomfortable at most all social gatherings. As I aged however, I realized how counter-productive it is to have the need to feel "on." So, over time, while I still hate social gatherings, I've learned it's pretty easy to go to a party, sit in a chair, and simply observe people.

The other thing, and I mentioned this in another topic area, is that I've also learned how to become a "super" listener. As people LOVE talking about themselves, what I do now is get into an active and empathic listening mode on occasion.

Honestly, I've sat for 20 minutes without volunteering any information about myself and only using listening skills, and the person will tell my wife what a GREAT person I am....so out-going and friendly. The adjunct to listening is that I've learned some things along the way, so it's become an area for increasing my knowledge.

 

I dislike anyone coming to the house. It exhausts me. Hell, a lot of the time I can't be around my own family. This is especially true if my wife forgets to tell me that someone is coming over - at which point I'm about done. I need at least 2 hours after a visit to unwind, unless I wander off while they're here and start doing my own thing (which drives everyone crazy).

Mostly I try not to have people over and prefer to go see them if I need to be social.

I don't like entertaining in my home.

If I go out to a gathering I will stand back from the action....watch, listen, smile, and day dream.  All the time thinking, can we go home now! 

I have often felt that I am an outstanding actress.

If I get over whelmed I take a walk and find a quiet spot.

 

[QUOTE=LTC1]

 If I go out to a gathering I will stand back from the action....watch, listen, smile, and day dream.  All the time thinking, can we go home now! 

I am right there with you on that one.  I have a real hard time just standing there and talking.  I would rather be home doing something crafty!

 

I think we are all in part like that ArtBabe (like the nickname by the way ). 

I've heard at least 80 or 90 percent of ADHD people not wishing to have company if given the choice.  If they use alcohol as a self-medicator then they are more likely to be ok with it.

Anybody want to put up a poll on it?  That's assuming I didn't just graze right past it and forget! LOL

Mess is one thing for me too - I had some kids from next door want to use the bathroom when their great-grandma was late coming home.  I let them, gave them some chocolate bars and water but was horrified as they wanted to explore my apartment!! Touching my stuff!

Also, the mess!!!!! And the fact that I'm a bachelor I have stuff lying around that can hurt someone young, or perhaps damage young minds (my MAD magazines get your minds out of the gutters!!!). 

I have it clean now (had to landlord is showing building to perspective buyers), and would probably let someone in for a short visit.  I even had my parents stay over (that's a mind f**k at 38 isn't it?? LOL) and it was ok.  They are much cooler adult friends than parents for sure.

Ok I'm done LOL

I am differant---I do not like having people stop by---and if I am having poeple over---my husband has to help me clean up this mess---or I will cancel--it is just to much for me to handle----I also do not like to leave my house ---so I would rather the family come here

I am usually not one for having people over either...but I had to last weekend.  It was my son's graduation party.  At first I was going to do it at the park so that I did not have to panic about how my house looked...but then decided that I would be more overwhelmed trying to remember to take everything to the park (and did not want to pay the 50 dollar rental fee).  I made it very easy on myself..had a lot of snacks and ordered pizza without having to overwhelm myself with cooking!!  It turned out really well.

Now on the other hand....I am going to a volunteer appreciation party tomorrow night and my anxiety is up on that one!!

Glen---glad you liked the nick name----I do too--lol

I have to tell you having my mother over is so hard---she has an emaculate house----she was not a good house keeper when we were kids--so I never got the proper training--lol---But she is remarried and lives a new life in a new place and puts on this I am perfect show---gag!!!

Any how when she comes to visit she stays a night or two at each of her three kids homes----I have made excuses the last teo times she was in town so she would not come to my house---such a mess----I just brought my lids to her at my sisters house---I hate that I do that!!!! I just started taking adderall---a week ago---started 10mil twice a day---uped it to three times a day the second day---wore off in about 4 hours---uped it to 15mil 2xs a day and 10 in the late afternoon---I feel something but---not quite enough---I am more alert--less depressed and less stressed but still not much motivation---I am hoping to work out regularly---too hot right now----and I sculpt one of kind art dolls and figures --but have not relly been too interested in that either----I am rambling--sorry can anyone relate---and tell me at what dose did they feel complete