Instead of punishing him for what he does wrong or doesn't do, have you tried rewarding him or praising him for what he does correctly?
Begin with small things..
livingwithadd38128.7277893519I am glad I read this today. For instance our 16 yr old has been under a very watchfull eye lately by us due to big trouble she had been in, so last night after us calling and warning her about her curfew being 11:30 and that a huge storm was going to hit soon and to be home no matter what at 11:30, she finally answered her cell phone at 12:00 and said that her friends veh., stalled from the heavy rains and high water. We went to get her and my husband yelled and screamed at her the whole way home because they decided to drop off all the other kids first...taking longer, making her late and then getting caught in the storm. I guess from what I have read I can partly reward her for not talking back and getting defiant with us as she would have done in the past. With her latest counseling she is controlling her anger. My husband should do some apologizing this morning on that part, not a good example on the temper part. But she will still have to be grounded tonight for not making her curfew and abiding by our warning of the impending storm. Thanks for the advice on rewarding the positive. There has to be some positive in each and everything. This one being the talking back. My first thought is to check in with him about the problem at a time when things are going well. I wonder if he's just on overload at the time, maybe he feels like he doesn't have much say over himself? If he gives you some insight, then you can see what he thinks would be an appropriate discipline when it happens again. Chances are he knows he's not making you happy, but feels stuck and can't come up with a different way. If this conversation is going well, you can suggest to him some ways he can let you know what the problem is, and then you can help him work through it. Some times, it helps if they come up with their own plan for getting the stuff done that they need to do... it may not be on your schedule, but they'll get it done all the same. 9-year old boys are tough when it comes to handling stress. My son always acts surprised when I offer to help with this kind of stuff. They seem to think they're out there on their own, which is sad, if you ask me. Let me know if this helps.Thank you for all the great advice. I have actually implemented some of each! I have found that the positive reinforcement has worked best with him although it can't possibly cover every area.
I think sometimes that I just seem to spend more time telling him negatives (no, don't, I'm busy right now, etc). He needs to hear about more of the things he is doing right! It has reached the point now where he will get control of himself or do something I would have had to fight with him about at one time, then he will turn to me and say "look, I did this and you didn't even have to remind me" or "did you see what I just did?"
The pride I see on his precious face when he realizes that he did something that wasn't easy for him or just wouldn't even enter his mind before, is so touching to me!
I have tried the reward system in the past and still use it, but the reward he works toward the hardest is his father's and my approval. I have always been a very loving and affectionate mother, but I never realized how little I actually verbalized the specific things I appreciate about him. Its a habit I intend to make a way of life!
Thanks! Barb
Hi All,
I'm new to the site, and new to have a child diagnosed with ADHD. I recently got back from a year long deployment, and i'm having a hard time adjusting. My wife and I have sat down and talked about how our 6 year old son needs to be re-focused on tasks that he has been given to do, or tasks that are part of his morning/evening routine. I guess what my question is for the panel is, how many times do I need to constantly get him refocused on a task before I take some of his privalages. I know that he does need to be told numerous times to do something, but when is enough, enough? and punishment start?
Another example that my wife and I have a big disagreement about is how I handle it at his baseball practice. I'm his assistant coach, and on the way to practice, I will talk to him about what behavior is proper and not proper at the practice. (Jumping around on the other kids, not listening to what the coach tells them) During the practice, he is around many other 6 year old boys, and he does get hyper, like many of the other boys. During the practice, If I see him starting to act improper, I will remind him that he is starting to do the things that we talked about that aren't proper. After having to remind him more than a few times, I will get close enough for him to hear me, but not so that the other kids will hear me. My tone is not nice, but its to get his attention, but I don't let the other kids hear me. Is this wrong? I ensure no other kids can hear me, but I do let him know that I'm not happy about how he is acting.
My thought process is this: after telling him to do things so many times, more than refocus is needed. Any replies or your thoughts would be appreciated.
Have you tried the Feingold Diet??? Also, try www.chadd.com
Hi Again,
Its great that you brought up about making lists. About two days before putting my first post, my wife started a list for morning and evening things to do. The list are fairly simple, and we put such things as start getting dressed, put on belt, socks, shoes, once dressed come down for breakfast, put dishes in sink when done, brush teeth when done eating. At night, the list consists of taking a shower, pick up dirty cloths and put in hamper, eat snack, brush teeth. It has worked out great so far, and we have gone and bought a dry erase board that we can put on his wall in his room to help. Thanks for the great advice, we appreciate it.
Another question I have for the board is we just started summer break. We decided to take our son off his meds, to see if we can put some weight on him over the summer. We consulted with our pediatrician, and he said it souldn't be a problem. Have any of you done this, and what are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Hi again,
Do any of you know of any web sights that deal with diets for ADHD children. Its obvious there are some foods that you want to stay away from (sugar, simple sugar foods, etc..) but I would like to find some sights that have examples of foods that are better for ADHD children.
Thanks
Hi Kevin,
It sounds like you and your family have a lot of adjusting to do....but I think patience is the key. There are many ways you can help you son with staying on task for daily routines. The most important thing is to involve him in the process. It helps if he has worked through a schedule with you...something like
Wake up at 7;00
Brush teeth and get dressed by 7:06
Downstairs for breakfast at 7:10
etc... then you have him make a recording of that, that you start when he wakes up. He'll actually say... "I have 6 minutes to get dressed and brush my teeth"...then you put music that he likes in between for six minutes. Then he says "I have four minutes to do whatever", and then music for four more minutes, then he comes back on and says "time for breakfast", etc. Kids love this for a couple of reasons... the most important one is that its their own voice telling them what to do and when to do it. And they love that you help them make the tape as a way to help them...not a punishment. I think for baseball practice, you might want to pick one or two things he does that are problem behaviors. If you talk with him and ask which he wants to work on first. Then set up a weekly chart of some kind, to record his successes. I find at baseball practice, kids do better if they listen to their coaches in "baseball position", with one knee down. It seems like they have to use more energy to stay in position, whereas if they're sitting on their keesters, they get in more trouble. Another thing is to always be within reach of him...even have him sit at your feet. Not as punishment, but yso ou can then give him physical reminders...a hand on the shoulder or back to say "settle down" or "you're doing a great job listening". Of course, for all six year old boys, the most important thing is to make sure they have plenty of full body motion. If he's still having trouble, say to him...
"I know you're trying hard, but it looks like you could use a little help...tell me what you should be doing".
"listening to the coach?
"that's right, listening to the coach"
"what does good listening look like?"
"sitting still?"
"and where do you look?"
"at the coach?"
Right...awesome...now let's give it another try".
Just don't forget that with add, kids aren't always processing what's being said, so sitting and listening are torture... keep the sitting and listening to a minumum if possible. I know this is long, but I hope it helps.
Recording all of that is really a great idea! Thanks for that one. We just made a list of things our son needs to do each morning and then posted it on his door. He checks each thing off as it gets completed. This works just fine for him, but I think the recording thing will be much more fun. I think I'll try it for some routines other than getting ready in the morning, since I don't want to mess up what he is already comfortable with, but I can see it working in other areas, too.
My son goes through periods where he just goes his own way. He refuses to do homework, go to bed, gets mouthy, etc. No matter what I say, he does his own thing and short of getting physical with him, I don't know what to do. I can and do remove cords from the tv, etc. so he can't ignore my forbidding him those things but there must be a way to discipline effectively.
He is 9 yrs old and due to the nature of his father's job, we are alone much of the time. He does better on the supplements I have him on, but does anyone know of any behaviour strategies that work on an ADD-inattentive child which might be useful? I would greatly appreciate any in-put.
Thank you!
Hi Barb -
Punishment is tough at our house, too. My 11 year old son often has his own agenda, and any punishment I come up with only lasts a few minutes. Once, I even cancelled his birthday party (he told a huge lie - a REALLY big whopper). His reponse the next day.... "Well, at least I don't have to write Thank You notes'. sigh.
So - we made a new rule at our house --- familes help each other - to get work done, to prepare meals, to enjoy those meals, and to have fun whenever possible. If you are part of the family, then you support ALL functions of the family. If you are unwilling to help with the chores, then you are unable to participate in the fun stuff either. We've gone to museums, movies, hikes, and parties without him, even had bbq's at our own house with him banished to his room. It took awhile for him to realize that we were very serious and now he is the first one up on Saturday's getting stuff done so we can take a bike ride in the mountains that afternoon.
We've also set up a points system. Points are awarded for completed chores, and big projects (not standard homework) and deducted for negative behavior (talking back, not responding after the 2nd time, etc). He can use the points for TV time, and if he gets enough points, he gets a lunch out with Mom. Since I work and am away from the house so much, this is a big bonus. Sometimes I even pull him out of school for the lunch hour.
We've been working on this strategy for a couple of years now, so you must be patient and just as stubborn has he is!!!