parents kicking me while down! | ADHD Information
Had a little lunch with the parents today.Ugh.
Crwling into their dark little burrow of negativity is always a chore, well almost always, but today was extra tough.
They see me as the adhd list of faults - hazy, lazy, forgetful, crazy, misguided, financial basket case, never going to amount to anything and possibly crazy.
I am almost unemployed and used them yesterday as a babysitter for my seven year old. Official verdict: a very bad child obviously messed up by me.
Ugh again. I am broke, they denied me a loan which I never have asked for for a decade - teaches my stupid as# a lesson. (they are very well off).
Anyway, my whole point in this whine is: I am down and they ENJOY kicking me - I suppose it just reinforces their views that I'm no damn good. I try and remind myself they are elderly, but they haven't changed since they were middle aged except to get more bitter about their views. I try and remind myself that they ARE bitter, negative and depressed people and their opinion shouldn't matter even as much as it does.
But it really does, parents after all.
I don't know what to do except continue fighting my urge to never see them again and never ruin their day by letting them see their grandchildren.
Can you tell them how you feel? Maybe they don't realize they are not supportive! (probably wishful thinking) With my Mother and Father I have to tell them when I don't like what they did or said if I don't I eventually loose my temper over something stupid. My husband yeses his parents to death he can't disagree with them It really gets on my nerves. You can't let people put you down!
I've been thinking about what to say, but I can't come up with anything useful. Some stuff in life just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it.
:-( i'm sorry.
tell them how I feel?! LOL!Remember, I'm the family idiot to them.They are strangly happy, I think, that my life is messed up. As I said it validates their opinions. I would never, EVER say adhd to them. In fact the other day they told me someone they know is seeing a shrink and the connotation, the implication, to them, was that she was just a messed up person too lazy to work.
I am very sharp, to the point, even confrontational with them often. One of my lines is if I need a list of ways in which I'm messed up I can remember our last conversation.
Easy to say don't let people get you down when it isn't your elderly parents. Not so easy in this case.
*****end of whine. I'm just puzzled and don't want to go with option A, never speak to them again.
[QUOTE=Tamaraw1969]Can you tell them how you feel? Maybe they don't realize they are not supportive! (probably wishful thinking) With my Mother and Father I have to tell them when I don't like what they did or said if I don't I eventually loose my temper over something stupid. My husband yeses his parents to death he can't disagree with them It really gets on my nerves. You can't let people put you down!
[/QUOTE]This nearly same advice was given to me by my brother.They don't seem to like their children, or their grandchildren, he said, think that over, how messed up are they? Most people like their children, and if not, they like grandchildren.
[QUOTE=shinsetu_hito]
I've been thinking about what to say, but I can't come up with anything useful. Some stuff in life just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it.
:-( i'm sorry.
[/QUOTE]tr, you struck a familiar chord with me...
I'm dealing with this right now...neither my parents or inlaws feel that we know what we are doing when it comes to the new baby, and are treating us like crap.
ya know what???
that's why we are MOVING!!!! YES!! SWEET FREEDOM!! 200 MILES, BABY!!!
(my husband has a new job....deliberately far away.)
how far do you live away from your parents tr?
for some families, a little distance is necessary to keep the peace, you know? I have lived away from my parents before, and I found the distance to be a calming peace-keeping source on both ends. Due to financial issues, we ended up having to move back to my home town....but now that we are pretty much back on our feet, and the baby's here, IT'S HIGH TIME TO GO BACK!!
BUT if you already live far away from them then, those occassional visits may be something that you just have to deal with...
ADD can cause some families some friction--remember it IS hereditary.
sonya_h38547.3395717593Resistance:I completely relate. My family sounds similar in some ways. They do this with me, and a few other siblings. This past year, my 8 yr old neice flew over from Georgia to NY, and they ignored her- their only granddaughter, because of a silly falling out with my sister- her mother. She put on all these cute little performances for them, to make them notice her, and they just were talking to each other about stuff like the weather, not even acknowledging that she existed, until she cried and ran to put on her shows for the neighbors, saying that the neighbors would be her grandparents if her real grandparents did not care.
It has nothing to do with you. Some people don't know how to deal with their own dumb frustrations. You should be treated better than that. Just suck it up, I guess, and feel better. Make your own life, and learn from their mistakes.
I don't have to move away. They make little effort to contact me or see their grandchildren at all.
My mother wouldn't clean my house without Satan himself forcing her to at the tip of his pitchfork. I don't deserve the help because it doesn't stay clean.
Their grandchildren are also FABULOUS. Well behaved and beautiful. I don't know how this happened, surely not from mistake-free parenting
I try to be very laid back and lenient but also expect things to go my
way when I tell them what/when/where/how to do something. I've also
been more positive and encouaging to them this week then my parents
were to me in some decades.The money thing. I think I could be on the verge of criminal, show lots of unscrupulous behaviors, beat my wife and quit bathing but if I got rich doing it I'd be a better person to them.
I know how you feel, because my parents are the same way...at their house, nothing is ever out of place, and they expect me to do the same with my house, which just ain't happenning...
They have never thoroughly understood my ad/hd.
ok, dig this: about a week ago,,...my mother had come over to help me clean my house....she does this from time to time, never had a problem before. But all of a sudden, this particular day, she came in with this HUGE additude problem, because she had just helped me clean my house LAST week and it was dirty again all over again...she said I need to try to keep it clean...
HELL-OOOO!!! I HAD JUST GIVEN FREAKING BIRTH 2 WEEKS AGO!!!
I also was going through this whole "baby blues" thing, and that makes you feel EXTREMELY LOW, anyway, and i am already unsure of myself because this is my first child, and I don't know how i'm gonna manage this little dependant being AND my ad/hd.. I could not handle her. I sent her away without accepting any of her help.
it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I will not be able to handle living in the same vicinity of my parents AND have their grandchild without somebody getting killed. PLUS, we will NEVER be as financially secure as they are which is a constant source of grave disappointment to them... And to them our problem is that we never do things the way THEY say we should do them, so consequently our way is just WRONG. So we gotta go.
I speak from experience: distance is a GOOD thing when it comes to some families, especially where ad/hd is involved.
sonya_h38547.8191666667I live very close by, but the distance gets wider all the time.
Hereditary. My parents are anal neat freaks whose whole lifes have been a pursuit of cash. I'll never say never, but if they can be adhd.......I don't understand.
[QUOTE=sonya_h]
tr, you struck a familiar chord with me...
I'm dealing with this right now...neither my parents or inlaws feel that we know what we are doing when it comes to the new baby, and are treating us like crap.
ya know what???
that's why we are MOVING!!!! YES!! SWEET FREEDOM!! 200 MILES, BABY!!!
(my husband has a new job....deliberately far away.)
how far do you live away from your parents tr?
for some families, a little distance is necessary to keep the peace, you know? I have lived away from my parents before, and I found the distance to be a calming peace-keeping source on both ends. Due to financial issues, we ended up having to move back to my home town....but now that we are pretty much back on our feet, and the baby's here, IT'S HIGH TIME TO GO BACK!!
BUT if you already live far away from them then, those occassional visits may be something that you just have to deal with...
ADD can cause some families some friction--remember it IS hereditary.
[/QUOTE]
TR-
"Friends are the family you get to pick yourself". Be sure and surround yourself frequently with those. I'm sorry your parents are so consistantly awful to you. But itdoes sound like you're breaking the cycle which is WONDERFUL!
Sonya_h- Congrats on the new baby!
Thanks GPK. I dropped in there tonight to drop something off.Father ignored me and my son while mowing grass, I was out of there in under five minutes.
But I really wanted to reply to sonya on the "geez that bad" comment/question about money.
Yeah, it's that bad. They grew up in the depression/post depression era and remember having nothing, like no shoes I don't mean no fancy toys. Money and its accumulation is their life goal. Along with not spending it nor loaning it it worthless children.
speak of the devil.
a couple of years ago we moved 3 hours away from my parents to the city where my husband grew up in search of better jobs and opportunities.
In short, we ended up getting evicted from our apartment and had to quit our jobs and move back in with my parents.
Now, 2 years and 1 kid later, (still living in the country, although not in my parents home..) we have decided to try this city thing again.
In short my father told me just today, simply "if this city thing doesn't work, you won't be able to move back in with us next time"...
gee. way to cheer us on.
My parents too are like, permantly melancholy. and constantly obsessed with whether or not we are making enough $$$, and totally TIGHT with their cash....
My parents are in their mid 50's...did they grow up during the depression too? (sorry... i paid absolutely NO attention in history class, and don't know what years the great depression were...
<sneaks off in embarrassment>)
Both my parents born 1932.
Maybe it's Depression depression?
The Resistance,
The only advice I have is to go to a hypnotherapist. Make sure it is a good one. Find someone who can recommend you to one.
When I went to my hypnotherapist for the first time, she had me relax and imagine lot of things. One thing she had me imagine was that I was in a room with all the people in my life. Then imagine that a cord was tied to me and then to all those people. I had a lot of cords. She had me imagine that I took out a pair of scissors and cut all those cords. I went flying! It was weird how I couldn't get my feet back on the ground. She brought me out of my hypnosis right away when I was spinning around.
Well, the result was that certain people in my life couldn't control me anymore. There was one certain person who had controlled me for a long time! I'd allow it. After that session, I was much better at saying no and being assertive. I also didn't feel like I had to please this person. It really helped me an awful lot.
I know that for some people hypnotherapy is too far out there to try it. But it helped me more than any therapy session I had gone to up to that point.
Maybe it would help you too, to deal with your parents.. Who knows.
My hypnotherapist gave me a book about self hypnosis and I love to relaz myself and listen to tapes I make for myself. They help motivate me and help me to get things done even.
I'm sorry your parents are not more supportive. But I have learned in life that you can't really change people. You can only change yourself. It's like this: If there is a relationship and one person isn't changing, the only way to change the relationship is to change your 50% of it. It still changes the relationship, it is just changed by you. It isn't perfect, but it's better.
TR, all I can say, is you don't deserve this! No child deserves crap from thier parents, even an adult child.
Good for you for being a fabulous dad and raising fabulous kiddos of your own.TR! I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better about the treatment you are getting from your parents. It sounds like they are going to have a lot to answer to when their time comes. I'm not trying to bring a religious connotation to this, but no matter what religion or belief system you look at, they all say (in one way or another) that sooner or later you will get what you give others. Thanks for all the good words.
I feel I've turned a corner on the whole issue.
The reason I brought it up here is I think if I wasn't adhd, I'd have FAR fewer problems with them.
My own children rock and will never wonder, even a little bit, if I am on their side - a small blessing to have seen very closely a bad example of parenting.
If I am ever blessed with grandchildren, they will never wonder even once if I love them or if I want to see them.
And on that spirituality/karma thing. A bitter old age instead of a joyful old age must be like hell.
Resistance:
Good for you. Not many people are able to learn positives from negative examples. Your children are very lucky. Peple who say that abuse leads to more abuse, like that's the way it has to be are full of sh*t. Good people break from bad patterns. You are special for being sensitive and caring enough to learn from your parents mistakes. Congratulations
That's good, about the kids...what, are their grandkids not well-behaved enough for them?
[QUOTE=The Resistance!]
The money thing. I think I could be on the verge of criminal, show lots of unscrupulous behaviors, beat my wife and quit bathing but if I got rich doing it I'd be a better person to them.
[/QUOTE]
geez. that bad?