Can this relationship work??? | ADHD Information

I am a non-ADHDer and I have been reading through this forum the past couple months to help me understand the woman I have been dating, on and off, for almost 2 years (I will say up front that we are lesbians so there is no confusion). This forum has been SO helpful--thank you thank you thank you!  Anyway, things have not been easy--certainly not!--since the get-go, but we have hung in there, despite numerous break-ups. She told me when we started going out that she has ADHD, and I let that fact go in one ear and out the other. I wish I hadn't. If I had trully known what ADHD is all about, it would have helped me so much to understand her behavior. There is so much about her that stems from her ADHD: she has never been able to hold down a job (she is 35); she has not managed to stay in a romantic relationship for more than one and a half years(people always break up with her); her house is complete disorder; she breaks things, spills things, tears things; she drives like a nut; she interrupts all the time; she flys into rages with no warning and says the most hurtful and abusive things (she later apologizes, and I have learned to stop taking it to heart); she can't remember a lot of the things I tell her; she's never on time; she can't manage her finances: the list goes on. I am totally opposite, maybe even bordering on OCD!  (but I am mellowing with age).

Anyway, the thing that concerns me: I am finding myself becoming more and more irritable, sometimes, when I am around her, despite having a better understanding now about why she is the way she is. I try to be patient and I try to shrug things off, but it's hard sometimes. I think part of the problem is that we spend too much time together. I find when we are apart for awhile, the irritation fades. Problem is, she doen't give me much time or space alone unless I tell her to go home. When we've been broken up, she will go out and make new friends and try to 'have a life.' But, as soon as we are back together, I become her life, and--frankly--I'd rather that were not the case. She is an extremely talented artist but can't seem to get it together enough to do anything with it (she took a glass-blowing class recently and burned her thighs trying to catch a marble she had knocked off wrong during the first class...). She is also one of the sweetest, kindest, most open-hearted people I have met. And she's honest, fun, spontaneous, joyful, extremely intelligent (although she doesn't always look that way to outsiders), generous, creative: the list goes on. There are a lot of reasons I love her, and sometimes her clumsiness and childishness is part of that. I know she hasn't had an easy time with this during her lifetime, and her family (with the exception of her mother), just doesn't get her at all. They think she's mentally ill, borderline, bipolar--whatever. I don't think she is. I think she's great and just needs some stability and a chance to shine. But, sometimes I doubt myself. My friends tell me she is a 'throw-back.' I don't listen to them, but those sorts of comments aren't exactly boosting my confidence in this relationship. And I certainly don't want to be 'the next person who leaves her.'

People on here have been through this, right? Any suggestions as to what might make the situation better? We talk, sometimes, about making a commitment and moving in together, but I can't see this happening anytime soon...

Is she on any kind of medications? Or seeing a therapist? Those can help greatly.  It is not easy loving someone with ADHD but it can be done where both of you work together.  My husband has adult ADD and my child has ADHD and I have been married now 10 years and have been together for 16.  Somedays it is hard I will not lie then it gets better with patience for he knows how to get to me and melt me.  It does sound like she needs help,  Good luck. Jill

She is on meds but they don't seem to be helping. She was on Prozac for years, then switched to Wellbutrin in October due to side effects from the Prozac. In December, she had a HUGE fit of violence when I tried to end things with her (she attacked me, slammed my laptop into the floor and broke it, and I had to call 911 b/c she was totally out of control...). Anyway, after that, we broke up for 3 months (I initiated it). And the breakup and pressure from her family pushed her into therapy. And her doctor decided to put her on another antiD thinking the Wellbutrin was making her aggressive...she put her on Effexor (I have no idea why, b/c if you miss a dose or two of that, the withdrawal symptoms are SO severe you can end up in the emergency room, which she did...and WHO would put someone with ADHD who has trouble remembering things--like taking medications--on that sort of drug???). Anyway, she is more conscientious about taking her meds now, due to that experience. She is also on Disipermine for her restlessness and Trazadone b/c she has night terrors and thrashes around a lot and screams in her sleep if she runs out of it.

She went into therapy but the therapist terminated the sessions b/c my girlfriend was always late to appointments and got angry at the therapist a lot. ( I mean, c'mon! If the therapist wasn't KNOWLEDGEABLE about ADHD, WHY did she take her on as a client???). It didn't do much for my girlfriend's self-esteem....and it gave her father and sisters more ammunition for their various 'character default theories.'

Her doctor refuses to put her on standard meds for ADHD b/c they are stimulants and she is afraid they will make her more aggressive...

Right now, she is in Calif. getting an MRI--her mother's idea after an explosive rage  blow-up after a recent visit with her. Supposedly, this will help figure a 'course of treatment.' (Her mother has a PhD in some sort of neuorology, by the way, and is a therapist).

Sorry for the long post...

Thanks so much!

It sound like she is either not in treatment or corectly treated.  Alot of MD's and even half of those in the psycholgy fields does not understand AD/HD.  It is possible to maintain your relationship.

First get two books, Healing AD/HD by Dr. Amen and ADD-friendly Ways to Orgainize Your Life, by Judith Holberg $ Dr. Nadeau PHd.  Good books for both of you.  Pay good attention of Dr. Amens advice for diet, behaviour modification, and excercise.  He also list 6 types of AD/HD, where the CDC only sees three, but he is more in depth.

If she does not want to get proper treatment, or only wants to take the meds, then no, the relationship will not last.  You can want her to improve all you want, but she has to want to improve, otherwise AD/HD will just be a crutch.  You cannot just tell a AD/HD person what to do, you have to lead her.  Example, get the book, read it while you are with her, and bring up certain things as a point of interest.  Say things like, "I did not realize that", "Here is something that may interest you", or "You might want to try this"  Positive feed back is important.

My wife was very "anal" when we go together.  Sent out payments the day after the bill came in, always in here "mission mode", and things had to be done now.  She is adjusting to me, but I am trying to improve, and now that I am getting the right treatment, I am improving.  Just landed a very nice and high position with a manufacturing company, something I could only try for before help.

Educate yourself on AD/HD, and the best doctor to go to is on the specializes in these types of disorders.