Learning to "let it go"...

I think yoda, that the moral of this is that we have to keep in mind that we can't change things we'd like to sometimes.  So, we sometimes have to change the things that we have the power to.  Example - can't change boss - go over them if possible, change jobs if you can or even just learn to adapt if that's the only way.

I used to be a "but" head.  I'd have a friend tell me to either quit a bad situation or learn to live with it and it would be "BUT it's unfair I shouldn't have to" or "BUT I can't leave I need the money"!  Now I've been learning to either bend with the wind or get out of the way.  It's way too short a trip in life to be caught up in this kind of stuff.  And I've also realized that there are more jobs out there than people and if you are even remotely educated you just need to get motivated! 

Ok a little simplified but it is the way it can work.  At least in my experience.

I sometimes wished I had some "temper" in life.  I've always been inactive ADHD - and passive agressive to boot.  AKA swallow what you can - burn the houses down when ya can't (kidding not a pyro - or they can't prove it anyways).

I had a boss when I subcontracted his contracts to fix computers.   He had asked me - well ASKED me to give his friend special treatment and put him at the top - er TOP of the pile of my daily repairs.  I got my nose out of joint (though I said mutter mutter ok boss mutter grumble mumble) and passively-aggressively forgot (having ADHD explains how easy it was for me to blank the whole thing now) his friend - leaving a ticked off customer and an even bigger bear of a contract holder.

The next day was - sadly and coincidentally "payday" in which he paid me my cut of the contracts he held and I fulfilled.  He said - "until you get my friend's machine up and running - FREE you don't get paid".  I was ENRAGED - uh well for a passive agressive inactive ADHD who gets highly ill when adrenalin is mixed in.  I was swimming in nausea enflicting adrenaline, seeing red (and double), clenching my teeth and pointing out to this - this blackmailer that it was two different things and that I should get my pay for work rendered.  He was adamant - and stood ground saying - no work for friend no pay for you.  I imagined in my mind doing cruel tortuous things to him with a dull swizzle stick.  The angrier I got - the sicker I became and more paralyzed, dizzy and gaining momentum for adding embarassment to injury for me.

Of course, story closing - I gave in and swiftly as my little ADD'd mind could work I fixed his rackin' frackin' sob friends' PC up - wanting to secretly undo all the screws and have this maniac's friend tilt his PC at home - sparks flying as it all burned up in a glorious pile of revenge. Sigh.  Fear of retribution held that one off to the "if only " file - a huge file in my mind that was scattered revenge ideas.

I only wish I'd been able to hold MY ground once there! To be able to stand up for what is right and proper! 

I'm finding with therapy and the meds I take helping my self control I do stand up for things - mostly other's rights I'm finding which was a turn I didn't expect.  Nice one though I feel.

Adrenalin still turns me inside out.  It's like in "A clockwork orange" where mcdowell is reconditioned to react to violence - no matter what I could intend to do to someone - I'd only lose my cookies and the little old lady who cuts me off at the crosswalk has ample time to disembowel me with her walker.  Ugh.

Ah, to just have a normal hissy fit - just once!

I guess the biggest, bestest lesson I have learned about dealing with unreasonably over-bearing superiors is to stop looking at them as my superiors.  I worked for a supervisor who was half my age, rude, and so full of himself and his ability to direct that he would always over-extend our services to a degree that he was always uptight.  At the time I didn't see it that way.  I saw a mean-spirited superior who's big thrill in life was to make me get mad and he must have had a thilling life because I was mad all the time.  Remember those Raid Roach-Motels where bugs check in but they don't check out?  My head was just that way, I cop a resentment, stress myself out over it and blame the results of my anger on whoever was renting space in my head.  Shakspere once said "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.  Reguardless of why he did whatever he would do, whether out of cockiness or ignorance, it was how my mind processed it that would give it wheight enough to crush my spirit.

        Today I don't supply his motives because I don't know what they are.  And even if I knew for a fact that he was simply out to drain me of self esteem and to watch me struggle, It will never happen without my consent.  Consider this;

You just washed your hands, when in walks your 'superior' and slaps a doggie doo-heap into your hand...ewwwwwww!  How could he do such a rotten thing as that!  So you go through the rest of your day with spot's plot in your hand, going over and over in your head how you were humiliated and made a fool of, plus having to look at and smell.....hey, wait a minute here!  You didn't have to walk around with that mess in your hand all day, you could have washed it off imediately.  There your hands, and it doesn't matter how they got dirty, you decide when to clean them.  That pile is the shabby treatment your superior gives you.  Walking around with it in your hand all day is the treatment you give yourself by mentally resisting his actions, and in doing so, you have given him access to the most important tool he could ever use against you, your mind.  The only power anyone has over your mind or 'secret place' where you alone have dominion, is the power you give them by feeding into it.  It takes a degree of humility to pull it off, but as they say, pride comes before the fall.  So, as Bob Dylan said,  "Stop all your weeping and swallow your pride, you will not die, its not poison.