problems with non-ADHD husband | ADHD Information

Most likely you're right - handle the temper. But it was just an example. The problem is that I am trying to handle my chaotic life. I am making plans to be able to do what I am supposed to do. I hate it. I hate sitting there every sunday, making the plan for the next week. But I know that it will help me during the week. I know that, if I spent the time on the planing, it will relax the following evenings. Before the plans I would try to figure out what to cook in the evening. Then I would notice that some things wouldn't be there - it stressed me. I explained the "plan-thing" to him. I told him that it helps me. So now, due to the fact that he didn't buy all the things on the list he was the one making the stress. I was in the middle of the recipe and then something I needed wasn't there. Now I had to jump into the car, drive to the next town (we are living in the middle of nowhere) to go shopping for just one item. It took me 45 minutes and it stressed me.

It is not that he forgot something. It is, that it gave me the feeling that he doesn't care about the things which are so important for me to be able to stay on track. And it is the feeling that I still have to check even though it was his responsibility. If you have two ADHD kids you have to check on their responsibilities all the time. It is not nice but that is the way it is. But my husband is grown up. He should take care of his responsibilities.

And he complained before about me being so messy. He complained that I just put my things anywhere and don't put them away immediately after I used them. Now that I am trying hard (and I am) shouldn't he support mè? Even if it is very had for him to be very precise, shouldn't he try hard until I got some routine?

Hi everybody,

I am new here, so I start of and introduce myself. I am 37, a mother of 2 kids (5 and 7) - the three of us have ADHD. My younger one got diagnosed last year, my older in the beginning of this year and me just a couple of weeks ago.

Back to the subject: Since my kids got diagnosed I read more about ADHD and I finally found the reason why I ever felt different. I am taking Ritalin for about a month now and I really am feeling the difference. In the beginning it made me so powerful. Now I finally know why I am the way I am and I have the feeling the meds can help me to learn and to actually stick to the plans I make. Well, I was so enthusiastic. I started to organize myself and my family. I made plans for the day and for the week - not to packed so that everyone was able to fullfill their dues. For me it is working. I can see what I was supposed to do and what I actually did. It helps me feeling satisfied about achieving something (I HATE being a housewife). My husband is not sticking to the plan. Since monday we don't talk to each other anymore - well, because of cheese. He is supposed to do the shopping. So I am supposed to do the weekly planing. On sunday I made a list, what I want to cook every day the following week. I checked everything and made the shopping list for him. When he got home after work he brought all kind of things and I thought he would bring everything I "ordered". Anyway, when the kids where finally in bed I wanted to prepare the meal for the next day and the cheese was missing. I asked him "didn't you buy the grated cheese?" His reply was "Oh, no." I was so angry in just a second - he didn't buy the cheese and even worse he didn't apologize for messing up my plan and even still worse he didn't try to solve the problem. So now I had a problem which I wouldn't have had if he would have done his dues right.

I know I am overreacting, but I am unable to come out of it. The whole week since monday was so horrible for me. The first feeling is dissapointment. He knows about ADHD. I told him before, that it helps me a lot when he says that he is sorry. Then I get angry and I wait for him to say something which I can take wrong just to get more angry - it is so destructive. For example, yesterday morning he asked me if I calmed down. I exploded innerly. It is nothing about calming down it is something about feeling better. Calming down has something to do with being able to control it - I cannot control it. Today I even calculated how much money I would have if I would leave him and I actually started looking for flats for the kids and myself.

The problem is most likely not him - it is me. I love him and I hate to see everything breaking apart. I expect from him to be 100% perfect so I have somebody to learn from. If he is careless with his dues, I have the feeling I have another kid at home I cannot handle.

I feel so hopeless and I am so much in despair. Is it worth fighting for? How do you even fight for love - what an irony! I need help but who can help me if the man at my side doesn't?

Sounds like you need to get a handle on your temper. It's not really an ADD thing. I never heard of an ADD'r getting mad at someone for forgetting something. That's a real trip.

You expect way too much. It's all you.

floofthegoof38554.5480208333If he can put up with you, then you have to do what you can to put up with him. I get the feeling that he'd rather have you be your old ADD self than to impose perfect discipline on him. What do you do for him that he has to manage *your* ADD? You're asking alot.

So it's all me?

If not helping each other and standing side by side, what else could a relationship be good for? I am trying to change, trying to learn, to make our relationship happier and more stable. Shouldn't he participate? Shouldn't he support me?

He doesn't have to manage my ADHD but he has to support me. In a family, are you not supposed to do things for each other? Should we come to a point where I sort out his dirty socks and not wash them because "why should I help him" if he isn't supporting me in learning to deal with my ADHD? Should I, from now on, just set the table for the kids and me - I mean, can't he take his one plate out of the shelf?

If your partner asks your for your help, dealing with something which looks pretty much for you, you would like to hear "you manage your problem, it is not mine"?!

I hate to break it to you but no one and I do mean no one is perfect. Even on ritalin you will still have problems in certain areas of your life. I don't mean this to sound critical, because I do know how you feel. I get aggravated very easily.

Does your husband love you and the kids? He sounds like he does. He stuck with you before your dx and that must have been hard for him at times.

I try to remember all the good things about my hubby (and everyone else who irritate me). I think about the fact that he works and supports us even when he doesn't feel like it. He does not cheat, spend his paycheck on booze or his friends, tries to spend time with his family even when he would rather just chill (he is an over the road trucker). The more I look for things to be happy about, the nicer I am to him and the more supportive he is of me.

I still get irritated but the good out weighs the bad many times over. Unconditional love and forgiveness benefit you even more than him.

As for the groceries, make sure you have the staples you need, then help him put things away. Make a note of anything you still need. If you plan on something which requires an item you are out of, plan it for mid-week at least, so you have time to check and pick it up before its needed.

He probably is seeing all of the positive changes in your life and thinks you are now already close to perfect! Try to feel good about yourself the way you are. You are loving, caring, want to provide a nice home for your family, be organized, etc.

Give yourself some slack also. Its ok for you to not be perfect. Enjoy the freedom you now have from the chaos adhd brings. Relax, have fun and allow yourself to still be spontaneous at times. If you become too rigid in your standards, someone may just hide your ritalin on you! They love you for you, not just because you are now so organized.

It is wonderful that you have found something which enables you to function the way you want to and to be the person you knew you were deep inside! I am very happy for you!

I'd like to say one more thing. ADHD is a personal problem. Though it can certainly cause problems in a family, it is not a *family* problem. You don't make plans for other people to deal with your ADHD. You ask them to be understanding while you try and follow a plan for yourself. It is your responsibility and yours alone.On my own on my own? Or toss the adderall and find the right cocktail.

[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]On my own on my own? Or toss the adderall and find the right cocktail. [/QUOTE]

I mean on your own. In my experience, the meds are good for specific tasks, not any kind of a cure.

Oh Floof,

I have used will power all my life and been on Welbutrin off and on for years. Yes, willpower can make a big difference but when it comes to the focus issues, there are times when it just does not work.

I agree that many of the symptoms can be managed with behavior mods and willpower. Yes, it drives me nuts when some people talk about not being able to control their behavior, but then again, maybe they have a worse case than I do.

I have had enough problems caused by ADHD that I had no control over. Even on Welbutrin there are times when I need my memory and it just isn't there.

I aced my accounting final in college, set up and maintained the books for a business and, according to the accountant who did the taxes for them, am the only one who never made a mistake. There are times when I can look at the books and its like I've never seen them before. I cannot work on them then. Sometimes I can't work on them for the entire day. I have to redo everything later. I no longer do book keeping for that reason.

I created a system for inventory control for a product which was being stolen and costing my employer many thousands of dollars a year. It was so successful that they asked me to set it up in other locations. I couldn't do it. It was like I had never seen it before.

If willpower alone worked, believe me, I would be making a ton of money right now instead of sitting here trying to convince myself that I do have the nerve to try ritalin or one of the other meds that work so well for memory.

If willpower alone would do it, I would be a success in more than one field in which I have an interest. I have the brain, I have the willpower, I have the incentive. Unfortunately, I also have the ADD-inattentive.

You can argue successfully against knowledge of a thing but you cannot win an argument against experience. Sorry.

[QUOTE=barb]

You can argue successfully against knowledge of a thing but you cannot win an argument against experience. Sorry.

[/QUOTE]

In my experience, discipline will get you farther than meds, but not as far as both together. Are you suffering from memory loss? I don't have that. One of the things that makes me very suspicious about meds, is that ADHD seems to be many different disorders lumped together that may have separate unrelated causes. I don't think the experts have it nailed down well. This isn't designer medication, this is trial and error see if this helps kinda thing. What are the risks? Unknown. Cylert was discontinued for causing liver damage in some people. Oops.

Its not memory loss, as the knowledge is still there. Its retrieval. I can't always retrieve the memories, let alone think straight. Other times, its no problem at all.

As I understand it, ADHD is caused by misfiring of neurons in the brain and they misfire differently in everyone,... but the basic issue is misfiring. That is why different combos and types of the same basic meds have a different effect on all of us.

Its like cancer, in that it doesn't matter whether its in the prostate or the breast, untreated, the end result is the same even though it takes a different path to get there. Different treatments work more effectively on different types of cancer and somewhat differently in every patient.

Until further research shows something to make it possible for a dr to determine exactly what is going on, they and we are all just doing the best we can with what we have.

When I was a child, ADHD was considered retardation, the kids were put in special ed and said to have no ability and no future. We have come a long way since then. We are on the right track now but still have a way to go.

I really believe that we are very close to finding the scientific evidence we need to really get somewhere. I applaud all the people who have the guts (and are rich enough) to go to places like Dr. Amen's clinic. Every test done, every study done, every person diagnosed and treated are all taking us one step closer to getting the scientific answers we need.

I believe that the more ADHDers there are getting treated so they are able to work in those areas, including teaching, the better our chances of finding the answers. The answers are in the "big picture" which we are better able to see than "straight thinkers". The meds can help us focus and trace the links from the big picture down to the little tiny defining things.

Until then floof, we just keep doing our best, whatever it is at any given time.

[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]HEY! HERE'S A SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS!!!

Go out and buy yourself some f**cking cheese!
[/QUOTE]

Hmm - I sense a very very tiny teeny subtle joke - "whine" perhaps? Do you see other's sharing their feelings as whining? Do you see bettering yourself and making others feel that they are not alone whining? Or would you see someone who - not asked whether or not they have an opinion on if a thread was a "feel good" or sappy and perhaps too wordy for you - "whining"?

I think my new friend that there is room here for all of us. If you've got something to say - would ya say it? My days of passive aggression are over. If you feel I'm not doing justice here - or that I'm saying something you don't like - say something! But to use that old one is kind of - I have to say cowardice in that YOU are not saying what you feel - only booing and hissing in the dark like this was some off-broadway lemon.

[QUOTE=GlenW]

Either way we HAVE to remember that these people - just like us need a lot of care, understanding and most of all HELP!!!!!!!!

[/QUOTE]

Agreed, but don't mistake coddling for helping. Sometimes, ADDr's in particular, need a good kick in the ass once in a while. In my opinion the origional posters view of her situation was so self-defeating that she needed a swift correction. A slap in the face if you will. My hope is that she thought long and hard about her handling of this situation.

You're right, Glen. My post was overkill. I take it back.

I did not mean to make a joke. Truly it is a simple thing to buy cheese. They sell it at all kinds of supermarkets, 711's, etc. If you are lucky, you might even live close to such a place! If a significant other forgets to pick some up, the injured party can walk, or jog, or drive or even take a bus to make the purchase. Maybe the injured party could even say, "Honey, you forgot to pick up the cheese! No biggie. Next time you are out, can you pick some up? By the way, Swiss"
And folks, the marriage is saved!

GarbagePailKid38558.8638078704Just- the guy forgot to pick up some cheese at the grocery, and now the world is coming to an end. I hope he never forgets something important, for his sake.

GPK - I for one forgive you. It's so damn easy to forget there are real feeling PEOPLE out on the other end of your keyboard and that you can cause some pretty nasty damage - especially when they are so hurt like the ones we find every day here.

I've tried the last 8 months to NEVER forget the damage I've done in my life and try very hard to not only help others - but set an example by being above petty fights and blindly jabbing out of anger. Here I go doing what I accuse others of to you kid. Sorry - I could have simply said tone it down and I go and by double cynical to YOU.

Either way we HAVE to remember that these people - just like us need a lot of care, understanding and most of all HELP!!!!!!!!

I for one am doubling my efforts to keep to the straight line - no more zigging around having girly slap-fights with all the members here. I like you all - I really like you!!!!!

LOL

It's all good.

Hey glen, you are forgiven.
OutOfOrder (AKA cheeselady): Do you forgive all of us who made light of your problems? How are you doing? Are you still around the forum? Sorry sorry sorry.
GarbagePailKid38558.8684606481

A slap in the face?? Floof you are earning the last part of your nick there I think.

Everyone in one of these relationships is a total shipwreck just waiting to happen. Yes, she didn't use good coping techniques. Who the hell does - I haven't seen much of it off of the page of bad books or B movies. We all screw up - it's the easy way to tell we're for real.

Floofer - I'm surprised for an insightful guy like one of us you can't see the reason she was striking out like she was. Just ponder it if you will and get back to me on it after you review the evidence.

I've yet to see any relationship successful or not where it's less an evening swim and more like churning chum in a shark pool. It tends to get hurtful and messy whatever the combo of disfunctional folks you stir in there.

Try floofist - try to just wear the ladies pumps for a quick minute and say what would I have done - and if it's slap someone then you don't get to play ok? Just take a look from the other side if you can - the non - add frustrated person who has to deal with us and still keep it together for the world.

Yes floofy I am a bit saccharin, a bit overly hopeful and don't you dare say polly anna-ish dammit.... grrr... Ok I'm an optimist these days. But when you see more than our myopic - opinionated way of viewing the universe you tend to see options that never occurred to you before.

Just give it a chance ok?

GlenW,

Do you have any advice for the origional poster? Let's hear it.

Oh I have recommended some things for her. And for us all which is about as important mr. smartie floof. Just kidding guy.

Well, she should as we should try to see the "other side" of it all. She's seeing it from the point of her man being a normal, adaptable guy like the rest of the average joes on the street. That's the wrong way. Once she gets to see that although he most likely wants to make life better, for him it breaks a sweat just not coming off as a wacko in his eyes to the rest of the world.

When you're not driven as a hyperkinetic would be, an inactive guy will tend to let inertia swallow him up and hope to hell that he just disappears under the waves. Damn trick never worked for me for sure.

I think they both have to make some visible changes. He has to make it known by actions that he is really trying to make that change. She has to show him that she is noticing where his strengths are improving - and to try and deal with his weaknesses in more productive ways than critisism as that never works - even with most non ADHD people. It's all instinct - a knee-jerk reaction when someone is worried or angry it occurs to us to react rather than step back and take a moment to evaluate it.

He's either not giving it his all - maybe he's thinking "well I'm gonna fail - even if I make one step forward she'll look at the two steps back I had to take first" - it can get to where you say why bother when it is the negatives that everyone picks up and what we remember clearly and the rest gets blown over.

I'm seriously thinking some councilling for both - together preferably can give them some productive tools to deal with the day-to-day of ADHD. If she makes the effort to reach half way to him then when he reaches out to her the effort will be half and anxiety will be reduced!

Not easy to get a "mixed couple"? damn no good fancy term ... yet.. to work out when it's so much effort for both to keep it working. But I know they can do it - I don't hear the surrender from either quite yet. I'm gonna wish them both good luck and a happy long relationship.

How bout this post thing is over, as OutOfOrder is no longer with us. I second that whatever

But Floof - I only half agree with that (surprised wink wink??). Yes, it must come from the individual who is dealing with it. But a good family is like a therapy group, a group of doctors whatever if they are loving and a united front. They can be a powerful tool that can make the changes move along without the agony that comes from going it alone.

If the family is sabotaging the work by either padding his/her ego, or ridiculing their attempts to make changes then YES - it's a burden not a boon.

Let me guess - family more burden when you try and improve?? just a guess is all. It varies I guess just like the individual. But I think the family should try to either help the progress or get the hell out of the way. One or the other.

Sometimes people need help floof, and that's when it can become a *family* problem. I would think that if my SO were sufferring from something, it would become my problem, because I would care... I sure know that I need help..with my ADHD stuff, and if nobody was around to help me with my problems, I would probably just self destruct, as much as I wish that were not true.

[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]I sure know that I need help..with my ADHD stuff, and if nobody was around to help me with my problems, I would probably just self destruct, as much as I wish that were not true. [/QUOTE]

I don't think you would ever blame someone else for your failures though.

Lol floof, and I will have enough ingenuity to figure out- no cheese, PB&J perhaps?

Then again, maybe you would *not* self destruct. Something to think about.

Indeed, maybe I wouldn't. This is the stuff of PM. GarbagePailKid38559.3141435185Floof: You think I'd self destruct on my own? You know me pretty well, and you usually can sum things up with clarity. I don't think I would. I am just too far in debt to get a lousy apt!!!!

[QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]Floof: You think I'd self destruct on my own? You know me pretty well, and you usually can sum things up with clarity. [/QUOTE]

No I don't.

[QUOTE=floofthegoof]

I mean on your own. In my experience, the meds are good for specific tasks, not any kind of a cure.

[/QUOTE]

Of course meds are not any kind of cure for ADHD! Any more than insulin injections are a cure for diabetes. But I'd sure as hell never cut my insulin if I had diabetes - any more than I'd cut my meds with this.

Noone is claiming "cure" status for anything about ADHD. But, it sure as hell beats trying to use sheer willpower to make our lives seem half-ass normal friend.

GlenW38560.0287962963[QUOTE=GlenW]Of course meds are not any kind of cure for ADHD! Any more than insulin injections are a cure for diabetes. But I'd sure as hell never cut my insulin if I had diabetes - any more than I'd cut my meds with this.

Noone is claiming "cure" status for anything about ADHD. But, it sure as hell beats trying to use sheer willpower to make our lives seem half-ass normal friend.

[/QUOTE]

I don't think that's a good analogy. I've taken Ritalin, Cylert, and Adderall, and I am convinced they are dangerous to my health. Some people take truckloads of Ritalin and barely feel it, but I am very sensetive to them and the side effects are very noticable. Brain quakes and soaring blood pressure are things that are not well explained by the docs. They do work for some symptoms, but not others. Adderall was the best for me, but I can't take it all the time because I don't want consistent high blood pressure.

A diabetic needs insulin or he'll die. That is not the case with ADD.

Do not discount willpower. The more you push yourself the easier willpower gets. It's like a muscle, if you exercise it, it will become stronger.

[QUOTE=OutOfOrder]

The problem is most likely not him - it is me. I love him and I hate to see everything breaking apart. I expect from him to be 100% perfect so I have somebody to learn from.

[/QUOTE]

This seems where the problem might be originating from. If you expect him to be 100% so you can learn from him, then you learn little because he will never be 100%. But what then happens is blame, because he can never be 100%, just like you can never be 100%.

The solution is finding a level of acceptance BOTH of you can agree on and stick to it. And that might require some counseling. Good luck.

I've sensed a bit of a unproductive tone in a few of the posts in this thread - and just thought I'd put my two bits in to try and help this woman who obviously is stressed and trying to make a very hard situation better and more structured.

Ritalin can sometimes cause a false sense of well-being and overconfidence. I've seen it with dexedrine and it can cause one to do and say things in an overly authoritative and demanding tone unintentionally. Having 2 active children running about can make it hard to keep your cool when you have 2 parents with no issues. Having 2 parents who need to work out issues - well it's doubly hard to make a converstation without conflict.

I hope she didn't give up and walk from our thread as she could still get help I'm certain.

I'm wondering if she has been checked out when she was diagnosed for a comorbid condition of Manic Depression or BiPolar disorder? My ex significant other has bipolar and can cause a simple conversation turn into a raging fight - usually over nothing at all more than miscommunication, failure to follow simple instructions (drives a bipolar to rage) or other simple conflicts. Bipolar according to my psychiatrist can mimic ADHD in many ways but a couple and needs to be looked at as an alternative explanation for symptoms.

When we try to talk to our loved ones about something like ADHD and they don't know all the facts it can seem to them like we are trying to justify what they see as a simple "lack of willpower" or a character flaw, rather than a fight against urges that we can't win without a lot of help from external sources. They think that it's a simple matter of mind over matter - and don't see how we can't just snap our fingers and it's all good.

I have a lot of sympathy for both people here. She feels like "I know who I am now and what I want - why won't you support me?" and he feels like "ok - now you tell me you're sick and I should be there - I think you're making excuses and now you expect me to make it all better for you?". I'm sure both people are feeling hurt and ripped off in life and neither want to be the one to give their inch for the other right now.

I'd say couple therapy could be in order. Someone from the outside world who has no stake in anyone winning or losing an argument? I think many couples may need somebody like that from time to time.

There's never easy answers in life are there? I think that there's always hope as long as both people love each other. You always have to try where there's kids involved too. I hope they find the middle ground. I like happy endings.

[QUOTE=OutOfOrder]

If your partner asks your for your help, dealing with something which looks pretty much for you, you would like to hear "you manage your problem, it is not mine"?!

[/QUOTE]

It is your responsibility to make fair requests, and I really question your sense of fairness. You are talking about leaving this man for the most trivial bullsh*t I've ever heard.

[QUOTE=paritthead]I could see if you just TOLD him what to buy at the store - anybody would forget a thing or ten. But you wrote a list for him, which I presume he had with him at the store. Wouldn't it make sense to run down the list and make sure you had everything before you got to the checkout? I'd be aggravated too - you weren't asking him to be PERFECT, you were asking him to get what was on the f'ing list! NOT HARD TO DO! He sounds a little passive-aggressive to me. [/QUOTE]

yeah, and he didn't even apologize, either.

Maybe he was a little pissed off that, because he forgot something at the store, he's being painted as a failure as a husband. It's hard to think of apologies when your the one being stepped on.

Well, I guess I addressed this at the wrong people.

I hoped for understanding and maybe some emotional support. Someone to tell me "Hey girl, it'll be allright."

Not someone to tell me it's all my fault, I'm expecting too much and I am foolish to ask someone for help.

sorry 'bout that

You said in your letter that you started making plans for yourself and your family, making sure they could all handle their dues (duties?).

You need to realize that this is a monumental positive change for you in your life but it has changed the way your family sees you. You are no longer the same scatter brained wife and mother that they are used to. You have become someone who is obsessed with organization, and you are demanding that they become what you want them to be, which is perfect, and that is impossible.

You are someone they don't recognize and are insisting that "it's my way or the highway". Give them and yourself time to get used to the new improved you before you start to expect more from them. If I were in their shoes, I would be resentful and angry.

I am not playing a blame game with you. You have every right to be excited and happy about how well the ritalin is working. I'm sure your family is too. Its just that your family dynamics have changed because you have changed.

We are outsiders looking in, at your invitation. We are also people who have gone through the same or similar experiences and we have learned from it. Please don't resent us for trying to spare you some of the pain we have gone through. Just let them get used to you. You have changed, and I'm sure that they are not as organized as they should be because you were not as on top of things as you are now. The thing is, they are happy being themselves and suddenly they don't seem to be good enough for you as they are.

If you gradually inject changes into their lives, they will be much more likely to comply. It isn't fair to anyone to make them responsible for your sense of happiness or well-being. It definitely isn't fair to them to expect them to revolve completely around you. This may seem harsh but its the truth.

Your husband may have seemed close to perfect to you compared to the way you were, but he is only human and the fact is that he may very well be trying harder but he isn't on meds, therefore, any changes in him are solely his will power. It isn't as easy for him.

If this seems harsh, I'm sorry. I hate making anyone feel bad but I truly believe you are expecting too much and certainly too soon.

I would talk to your dr and find out if depression is a side effect of your meds. You should be happy, not depressed like this. I'm sure you love your family, but it isn't coming across that way at all. Frankly, I'm scared for you. He may need to tweek the dose some.

Its not all your fault. Its not wrong to ask for help. It just isn't right to expect more than they have to give. Slow down. Give them time to adjust and it really will be alright. I'm concerned that by expecting so much from them and resenting it when they can't come through for you, that someone, possibly your whole family, will be hurt irrepairably.

Stop looking at it as someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. They love you. You love them. The important thing is to keep that as your top priority. When someone keeps score, there is always a loser and its usually the score keeper.

How do you fight for love? You fight for love by being loving even when the other person is being unlovable. Especially when the other is being unlovable.

I don't know what else to say. I thought my first post was enlightening and encouraging. I am sorry if you didn't take it that way.

Hang in there! It is a change for you and change takes time to get used to. It will be all right in time. The point is, it will take time.

I could see if you just TOLD him what to buy at the store - anybody would forget a thing or ten. But you wrote a list for him, which I presume he had with him at the store. Wouldn't it make sense to run down the list and make sure you had everything before you got to the checkout? I'd be aggravated too - you weren't asking him to be PERFECT, you were asking him to get what was on the f'ing list! NOT HARD TO DO! He sounds a little passive-aggressive to me.

I think we ALL tend to gild our potential mate with splendid attributes when we first begin our relationships. Once we spend some time with each other - the illusions we make disappear and we have to settle into reality. It's especially hard I'd think for those special people out there who deal with us ADDers so intimately.

I'd think it's doubly hard when the ADD'er may be like myself - and get into a relationship at the beginning of one of the 3 month "windows" of clarity I had from time to time - and fell for the lines I gave her and myself that all was good and able to keep my promises I really intended to keep. Sadly, after the control begins to fade so does the recollection of the promises, and the attentive partner ends up the wreck of the ADDer we often become.

I could get upset at someone who enters a relationship fully knowing their spouse is ADD - or at least "troubled" - and needs special love to make it work, then to have their expectations become bigger than they know their spouse can deliver.

If the spouse however is like mine was and came into the relationship fully expecting bigger and better things out of life and gets the perpetual carwreck of a life that goes with me and others like me - then I fully understand a lot of anger, resentment and confusion. My love was a sobbing, unconsolable shadow of what she was when I met her. She truly did not understand where my ambition, my drive and my focus went. She didn't understand how where I was loving, attentive and in "sync" with her - I now couldn't guess one single moment of how she felt with any accuracy.

I have a lot of empathy for this spouse - and the others I've discussed the complexities of ADD with on forum lately. I'm seeing a new side of me the last while and it helps in telling others what my experiences were - and my love's as well. It's a revelation I'd have rather forgotten sometimes - but I need to know it intimately as it seems I need to share it with all of you to help somehow.

I think we sometimes are too hard on the people who love us. We expect them to huddle around us with love and sympathy, much like they expected us to live up to the expectations we probably placed in the relationship at the beginning. Who among us wouldn't feel a bit ripped off when we get something with a promise of wonderful things - only to get the old "switcheroo" at the end?

I don't know how much help this is - but I felt maybe some echo of my emotional past could be bounced of the walls of this thread where some people could find familiarity or - perhaps some new idea of how the other half thinks?

HEY! HERE'S A SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS!!!

Go out and buy yourself some f**cking cheese!

I'm going to start a post on how irritating certain things are about our SOs and how we over react. I want to try to keep it entertaining and funny, if possible so people can go there and see that its just a part of life for all of us and they are not alone. I also would like them to understand that we are not judging anyone because we can't. We're our own worst critics quite often.

Look for the post "I get so mad, then over react", then please post some of the stupid things that irritate you and the ridiculous (on hindsight) ways you've reacted.