ADD and friends | ADHD Information

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

I am marrying a woman who has ADHD. She is the most wonderful woman in the world. I know I am supposed to say that. She doesn't understand how I can say that about her, because she does push me away. Sometimes very hard. We have recognized the symptoms and she has a Dr. appt. this week. I know it is going to be a long road of finding the correct meds. But I look forward to the day when we look back and say "wow we made it." I enjoy reading from this site and will be back many times. I even was telling her about it and she asked me to print some posts off for her to read.

Well,

In my case the drugs are taking some effect. I too am happy there is a reason for my behavior and how my brain does or does not work and I am happy there seems to be a fix. I think in my case anyway I learned to function using some learned coping skills and, at least from outside apperances, function somewhat normally to those around me. One comment made to me a while back was the thought that I spent more time trying to plan things than actually doing what ever it was that needed to done. I was able to find a million reasons why I just was not able to get it done at that time. For me I am still at the written list stage and need to plan my day out on paper. I do still hit overload a couple times a day but at least it is not all day long anymore! Was able to get up this morning and actually start and finish a project I should have done several months ago. I did run into some snags that at one time would have stopped me in my tracks but was able to make all the phone calls and follow up with the appropriate paper work. That was a tremendous step forward! The project is done and it is one more thing that I have knocked off my long list of things that need to be taken care of.

I guess my point to all of this is that I have put those who are around me in difficult positions with regard to my irresponsibility. I think it is fine to understand why I have been this way and that I have taken the steps to correct it. However, "The sobering reality" of where I am right now is really hitting home and I feel like I have a ton of work to do to really get back on track. Knowing fully well that even though I am better able to face the issues, life is going to be throwing me stuff daily, and each new day there is going to be something new to learn. I am OK with that but must admit it is a bit scarry.

Thanks for being there to all of you

What I would like to know is... when someone knows you have ADHD and they say that they accept it... then why when they get angry, do they say things like: "You need to control that emotion or just stop doing it." DUH! If I could turn ADHD off, I would. I can't. It doesn't have a volume button or power switch. Or they say, "You take things too personal. You need to stop being sensitive." How? I don't know how and most of the time, if I stop being sensitive, it doesn't last long. I go back to what I know and do, react.

My own family has cut me off. Because I "go off" on people. I went off on my dad... because he called me stupid and crazy. Something he has called me all my life. I stood up to him this time and told him to stop. I wasn't and I am not stupid or crazy. This man is a doctor and he doesn't believe ADHD is real. Maybe he's in denial. I don't know. Maybe he has it... I don't know.

I'm tired of people acting like they want to be your friend and then turn and act like you ARE crazy... because you react, say or do the things that you do...then expect you to be like them... without ADHD. I've been a loner all my life because of ADHD, I suppose that things will be this way for the rest of my life.

[QUOTE=ADDK]

I have also seemed to have a need to get organized? Have been through almost everything I own and am getting ready for a garage sale? That ain't me.

[/QUOTE]
This sounds like me over the last few weeks,my husband is astounded in the changes around our house. the kids are even going to school on time with their lunches packed(vary rarley happened before). also some of the things Barb said about how she is with other people, I am exactly like that. It's nice to know I am not the only one.

So much of what all of you has said is me. The using alcohol to make you more relaxed. The problem was I drank way to much in my teens and 20's. I never knew when to quit. I remember in high school getting really drunk and then crying that nobody liked me. Guess I didn't like myself much either. I can't really tell if my friends pulled away from me or me from them. It seems I was always looking for something better. What I don't know. Maybe it was just that I didn't know how to be a friend.

Like I said in my previous post I still have people I consider my friends most of those are from my childhood but I don't see any of them very often. It always seems like to much effort to make a date and meet someone. If I miss a call I mean to call them back and then months go by before I do. I always have plans in my head but can't seem to bring them to reality. I know I am really hard on people. I expect way to much from them when I seem to give too little myself. Someone said they were hypoactive. That is me everthing is too much effort then when I do hyperfocus on something it takes me way longer to do it than it would someone without ADD. Everything seems to frustrate me.

Do any of you get a jittery or quakey feeling inside when there is to much stimulation. Like you are going to explode (I do frequently sceam at my kids when they are both coming at me with requests or just being kids and picking on each other). Those situations set me on overload and I get an actual physical response. I scream at people when I drive. I get irritated at my co-workers. My husband and kids drive me to distraction and my animals send me into orbit. All on a daily if not multi daily basis. I hope I get some help soon. Your stories of medication make me a little worried but like I told my psychologist. I'm giving these meds to my son so I better be willing to try them myself.

I'll be offline for the weekend. Hope you all have a great Memorial day holiday weekend.

i think i never have much problems socializing, i mean i'm good with ppl as long as they're not getting too close and personal to me.

at times i'll disappear for a while and leave ppl behind me, and choose to hang out with different ppl. that's always my case since i was a child. i can't maintain a deep relationship. i get bored and choose to find something else to amuse me.

i think ppl who have known me long enough will understand that i'm not the type of a person that can stay 100% by their side, meaning always being there around them, sometimes i choose to ignore everything and lock myself up in my own world.

Thanks for the input gr8art. I can only hope I get the same results. It would be great to live in a relatively calm world for a change.

gr8art-

Thanks for the words of wisdom! I guess I worry that the man I'm with will stop loving me because he knows the real me. With all my inconsistancies and outbursts and what I'm convinced must be Alzhimers. I showed him these posts and he, like your wife, has felt partially responsible for my bouts of depression. He never understood why I left early from parties we went to or would become suddenly withdrawn when out with friends. He never knew how much I felt left out. He said he doesn't understand why I feel that way though. He thinks I'm fun and smart and funny, I just feel like a goofus when were with friends (by friends, I mean his friends and their wives/girlfriends). He says he'll always love me, ADD and all. I think he's earned his sainthood.

I'm getting treatment, just medication is all I can afford at the time. I live in a rather small town and my number of therapists is limited. The one who is expirenced in dealing with ADHD is booked solid for the next 2 months. I cant even think of what I'm going to do tomorrow, let alone 2 months from now. My boyfriend is a good source of comfort. He's so sweet, but he just can't understand some of the things I go through, so I come here for reassurance and like-company.

Thank you gr8art and everyone else on this site. It's so nice to know there's people who are going through the same things I am. It seems to make the days when my ADD is about to give me an aneurysm a bit more tolerable. You guys are the best!!!!!

Gettingagrip; I just have to say real quick that today is the first day of my Adderall XR treatment. I took it at 7am and by the time I took my wife to work at 8am, it was working. I felt a little wired at first; but I actually drove the speed limit all the way to town! There was probably 3 instances where someone either cut me off, or cut in front of me unsafely; but I didn't flip out! Wierd! I usually scream at almost everyone on the road. I'm the guy who tailgates almost everybody in front of me if they are not going as fast as I think they should. But today; no hurry; and especially NO RAGE. It's gone! Yes; the habit of calling everyone on the road an idiot is still there; and I will have to make a concious behavior modification; but there is no hatred that always went along with the name calling (Within my car that is. They never hear me; but there was a few occasions in the past where my finger went out of control) One of the best things also is that this is an appetite supressant. I got totally stuffed on a little saucer full of salad for lunch. Oh happy day!

[QUOTE=friendofadd]

I have been watching this topic for the past couple of days wondering if I'd weigh in. I have been thinking I should respond if only to give an outsider's view of this topic, or at least my view of something I've been witnessing for the past 10 years. I don't have ADHD but am close to someone who does, and I believe in many ways that he is "classicly ADHD" in the sense that he does seem to exhibit the characteristics exactly how they are written in the books and articles. When he told me of his ADHD diagnosis last year it explained many things.

I know he's long struggled with how he goes over with people. He has close friends, but they are from school and they go back 10 or 15 years - I am one of these friends. He remains close to us, even though we are spread all over the country, and we are all tremendously loyal to him. We all at some point took the time to get to know the real him and we long ago accepted that he tended to overact (i.e., "entertain") and that he'd no idea when he'd gone too far. Underneath this behaviour is a kind and brilliant man and this is who we know best.

But it's the "going too far" and the overacting that alienates all but his close friends. He literally wears others out. He's great fun at first but he fails to see the cues from folks that it's time to stop and take a seat and put a lid on it for a bit. He keeps going and going and before long everyone wants him out of their sight. (It's especially unfortunate when he's singled out one person for this special attention and that one person happens to be a woman who also happens to be a friend of our wives ) I asked him once - before the ADHD diagnosis - why he thought he did this. He said it's because he wants people to like him and he thinks that the best way to get their approval is to entertain them. Clearly he interprets their eventual frustration with him as a sign that he needs to step up his efforts to entertain; he's lost them and he must get them back.

I can't see that he's made any "new" friends in his life in the last 5 or 10 years. And it's the rare woman who can look past the clowning around (...and the disorganization and the inability to relax and the distractiveness and the money problems...) to love him for the person he is. The rare women who have come along have ended up leaving him because he does not understand how to commit.

Not knowing enough about ADHD, I am unsure if any of this behaviour comes from something caused by a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD or if it -IS- ADHD. Hopefully, because he is starting meds and therapy soon, he will be able to settle down a bit and start to better understand how to get on with people. I'll recommend the book mentioned earlier in the thread.

Again, this is just my experience with one individual. Might be meaningless to everyone else.

[/QUOTE]

friendofadd,

Your friend could be me. I have wondered in the past what my old high school friends who are scattered across the country must think of my "ADD" characteristics, lifestyle, and coping/compensation methods. Difficulty in relationships, trouble committing when I have found someone who accepts my idiosyncracies, money troubles, job hopping, etc. etc.

Over the last year I have gradually worked up to a combination of medicines that seem to control the symptoms fairly well. Now I feel sort of strange; like those movies where an adult and teenager switch bodies: I feel suddenly somewhat "normal" in my day to day perception of things, but with a life that, although dramatic, creative, adventuresome, has left me not very "established" or "secure", in relationships, finance, an career.

Ironically, I'm all the more concerned with what others might think of me, because now I understand that no one else seeks or envies the "dynamic", wide-flung range of experiences I've had.

I've just visited with some old, out-of-town friends briefly, and although I am finding it more natural to be "honest", I'm not sure if I find it more comfortable. "Performing" was, like your friend, what I thought I had to offer people.

I'm not sure what I have to offer now; certainly not status, or financial security, and thanks to the meds, not even an animated yarn about my latest "misadventure".

In fact, it's a little bit like playing this game of life with everyone, and sure, they all let me play, and encourage me, and I think we're all just having great fun, but the longer I play the more I sort of sense that something's wrong, or that I don't know the rules...

Then suddenly I learn that the game is "Monopoly", and am given time to thoroughly read the rules. Unfortunately, everyone else has ,000,000, and all of the properties and I have and Oriental Avenue. So I ask others for help, and they say no no no, the game is "Risk". Everyone else has 100 pawns and the rest of the countries, and you have one pawn and Rhode Island. But hey, we still want you to play (you've been trying to play so well, darnit).

For the last year I have been striving harder than ever to find stability in the job market; having not yet found it, I will be spending the next three months working at a summer camp for kids in the mountains. (I'm taking my one pawn and I'm going over here to play "Bonkers"--never the same game twice.

(Meanwhile a friend just sent me photos of his new 0,000 house on "Boardwalk", so to speak.)

Although some stability and intimacy are still my long term goals, I'm presently unsure of where I stand in relation to my ADD. I'm also unsure of how I feel about the "new brain". The greatest thing it has given me is the knowledge that I'll always be able to take care of myself one way or another (previously an uncertainty); what it's robbed me of is the sense that the game is exciting and mysterious, and that great excitement and reversals of fortune await those who keep their chin up. In fact, the game doesn't even seem that interesting; I mean maybe if I'd started playing when everyone else did, sure. But why should I want to join someone's game when everyone else is way ahead?

Ok, now that I've stretched a metaphor to its limits, I'll bring it back to earth for a sec. A little part of me wonders if maybe I was a little better off just knowing I was different, but not actually quite perceiving how. Understanding, vaguely, what the expectations of the majority of "others" are, but not being capable of internalizing those expectations, because darnit, they just seemed silly.

I'm not trying to sound cynical or nihilistic; in fact, as always, I will continue to live this life to the fullest, to the best of my ability.

I guess I'm just in a strange place right now. The utter chaos that constantly punctuated my life is all but gone. The "AHA!" of diagnosis, the pink cloud of self-education and therapy, and the "Finally..." of acheiving adequate medication seem to have worn off somewhat, and now I'm kind of at "Now what?"

(At this point, I was going to say that everyone's input on this is welcome, and it is. But then I added the following melodramatic paragraph, to make myself feel better:)

I'm sure if I am persistent the answer will come. But the answer probably still won't look like, perhaps, "everybody else's" idea of success, or "normalcy". But whatever answers lie ahead for me, they certainly will have been hard-fought and won, whether everybody else really gets that or not.

(end melodramatic paragraph)

-tj

Hey TJ,

You describe the situation quite well. I was diagnosed only a few months ago (at age 45) and am just getting things figured out. I went through the relief of having a name for my problem, the confort of finding out I was not alone in my suffering, and the unbelievable experience of medication that seems to clear the fog for me.

But now I am coming to grips with the sobering reality of where I am in life.

This is just amazing to me! Most all of you it seems to me are reading and stating my mind! At last! I have been married for 24 years, and my poor wife has put up with me talking her ear off about these feelings of not being liked for all the time we've know each other. She would tell me I am imagining it too much; that I am reading between the lines too much. Just about everything you giuys are saying. As I was reading your posts; I was realizing that many of you are speaking from the "other" side AFTER meds and treatment. It all makes so much sense!

Barb-

"I would take things people say very literally. I had no sense of humor with negative comments even if I knew they were joking. When I tried to use humor, it always seemed to back fire."

Wow! That about bowled me over! I tried to just be "one of the guys" at work. They'ed joke with each other; but for some reason; my jokes were taken as cruel. I tried to give and take light heartedly; but it would always hurt my feelings and escalate into my hurting someone elses feelings! I really set myself up when I became a Christian and had super high expectations of other "christians". If these "godly" people didn't accept me; then I would have to go this life alone; which I did. Did the medication help with your perception of others?

Eskimo-

My Adderall XR is at 10mgs. The doc wanted to start me off very lightly and increase with time to get the high reading eventually; then back it down a bit. I start it on Friday morning. I'll let you know how it works (if at all)

Ja-add2004-

Anyway, with a slight to moderate buzz, I had the typical "false confidence" that drunks often have.

Boy do I hear that! I hadn't used alcohol for 10 years; then a few weeks back a neighbor asked me if I'd like a beer (we were out mowing our lawns) I accepted and within half of the can; I was "normal" . I didn't feel intimidated, or overly shy or timid. I was actually becomming "buddies" with him. Talking about hot rods and stuff. You know...guy stuff. (I'm the only guy in my household. I have a wife and teenaged daughter; and a female labrador. We joke about the "all girl" household. We gotta watch the 'chick flicks' instead of the action adventure movies and such) Anyway; although I have a fear of alcoholism (raised in an alcoholic home); it sure was nice to take a deep relaxing breath with a friend.

Hi Kent,

I am also 45 years old and was just diagnosed about 3 months ago. I really cannot comment on relationships with friends as I have none. I did back in high school. I was a musician as were most of my friends. It was a really wild, loud, over-the-top, goofy-looking, long-hair bunch of guys. My ADD never stood out (I could have been a full blown schizophrenic and not stood out in that group). But I never kept up with them. They would write and I would mean to write back, but somehow never got it together. Then suddenly a week later turned into a year later and really too late to respond. I had some buddies later in the army, but when we moved on, those friendships faded away also (out of sight out of mind).

I have been married a little over 20 years and my wife has gone to great efforts to help us socialize with other couples and help me to "find a friend". I am a college-educated professional. I dress reasonably well, speak reasonably well, and have been told I have a very enjoyable personality. I usually have a good time going to a party or socializing with clients. When I would meet people at social gatherings they generally seemed to like me. People often asked me to phone them to find a day to golf or go fishing. But I almost never followed up.

I also experienced what I hear from others on this forum. I would be with a group of guys from work, all standing around having a beer and cracking jokes. Then I would chime in with my own joke and receive not laughter but often-silent looks of shock. I would think, "what the hell did I say?" Someone would make some comments about football. Another would comment about basketball. But when I would make a comment about baseball everyone would ignore me, look away, or interrupt me and change the subject. Not knowing I had a condition and assuming I was processing information correctly, I would come to the conclusion that these other people were just jerks. I guess I was just too energetic and "over the top".

I am currently trying Straterra. It has only been 3 months since my diagnosis so my doctor is still experimenting with me. Okay, that's a joke that he is experimenting. Is that improper? If a doctor reads this, would he be offended? My doctor is not really experimenting, he really knows what he is doing. He went to school. He has the diplomas on his wall. I even checked behind them to make sure I could not see where a price tag had been peeled off.

Anyway, it has been so long now I think I am just in a habit of not having friends. It is really ironic, I live in the most densely populated state in the country in the metro New York area but I live just like a hermit in a cave. Well, not exactly like a hermit in a cave, we have better restaurants.

Kent said something that I am concerned about also.

Is it too late to do anything now about friendships? As I mentioned, I am 45 also and just found out what the hell is wrong with me three months ago. I literally had no friends whatsoever, very limited and superficial family relationships, a mediocre career with frequent job changes, a history of periods of heavy drinking, and a wife threatening to file for divorce if I did not see a shrink. My problems led to severe depression and mental shutdown to the point that I would have to leave my office during the day and go sleep in my car for a couple of hours every day. I got to the point that I could not even fold my clothes or manage to hang them up, they were in a pile on the floor of my closet and I pulled out what I needed each morning and tried to iron it. I was completely falling apart and thought I was absolutely losing my mind.

I have a 40-something year trail of dropped friends and lost relationships. I have left a wake of social and psychological destruction in my path. I have two very wonderful kids, one on his own and the other still in high school, but I have only a very superficial relationship with them.

I have no idea who the real me is. I feel like I have spent my entire life expending an unbelievable amount of energy just trying to be "normal". Around high school/college age everyone else was dating, becoming independent, leaving home for the first time, in general becoming adults and learning about relationships. But unfortunately I was already several years into complex sets of unconsciously devised coping strategies in an effort to be someone else. I did this because when I was occasionally totally relaxed and "myself" there were always very negative consequences.

My eventual coping strategy: smile, be superficial, and don't get too involved with anyone. Any real relationship could blow my cover.

I expended 45 years of my life trying to pass as "normal". But screw it! I am not normal. I have a neural-chemical condition that causes my brain to work differently. I wish I had known that a little sooner! So what happens now? I don't know. There may have been so many terrible years that my marriage cannot be salvaged. I really don't know. My kids are not kids any more, so too late for that stage of the relationship, although there is hope for an adult parent-child relationship.

All I can do is try to get this condition under control so that I can at least funtion well enough so as not to be a burden on others. Maybe it is not too late to make friends. Now that I know what is going on, maybe I need to start hanging out with other ADDers. Then if someone forgets to show up for dinner or makes an off-the-wall comment nobody will take it personally.

Hi Chaz

I am relating to what you are saying; and as I read it, I am also realizing that I really don't know what "normal" is. It just seems to me that "normal" people don't get freaked out by life; and personal relationships; whereas maybe ADDers do. (Some of us anyway) I guess maybe it breaks down into sub-types. For me; close friendship has become dangerous in my mind; because I just don't want to get hurt again. People who actually live the myth; "I don't care what other people think about me"; generally are inconsiderate and lying from my perspective. I mean; who REALLY can say that with honesty? So; I get hung up on whether or not people are considerate toward me; and if they aren't; then I get insulted and avoid them; writing them off as jerks. I think barb really nailed it by saying we tend to "read into" things too much. Maybe thats a "hyper focusing" symptom? I dunno. But I've often though to myself; "If people in this world would be considerate and caring; then I wouldn't have such a problem" Sure; not being able to concentrate or finish tasks is annoying to me; but the hurt feelings are what got me to seek help more than anything else. I've been married for 24 years; and I realize that if my wife hadn't persued me; I'd still be single. Our spouses put up with alot from us. For me; that makes her all that much more special. My family (wife and daughter) is the only people on earth that truly know me. (The REAL me that is) But it seems that there may be those who can understand us; and thats exciting to me. It's great to be able to relate to you guys.

Again, this is just my experience with one individual. Might be meaningless to everyone else.

Chaz's comment:

Any real relationship could blow my cover.

...really hit's home.

I think only my wife knows the real me. Sometimes I feel like I'm faking my way through life. It seems people don't like the real me. So, I find that sometimes I put up a facade, pretending to be "normal".

This reminds me of one particular "The Far Side" comic strip I once read.

--It was a drawing of a man down on his luck, leaning up against a trash can in an ally. He's sitting next to a giant "human sized" cockroach who himself is down on his luck. The cockroach is explaining to the man, "I was an important person, was the president of my own company. Until someone said 'you're just a cockroach.'"--

LOL! ...well, I guess you had to be there.

-JA

*sigh* I feel just like everyone else here... I have absolutely no one who I feel comfortable enough to hang out with. I can never be the true "me" because, well, I found that the "true me" is someone that not alot of people like. So I tend to be really quiet, keep to myself and go home early from get-togethers because it takes too much energy to be "socialable". I find that if there's someone that I get along with, I sabatoge the friendship because they eventually get too close and stop wanting to be friends. I think that sometimes it's easier to have someone stop hanging out with you because you're a jerk rather than because you're, well, you. Does that make any sense? So I tell myself and everyone else that I don't care what other people think... but I do. I can't tell you how many times I've gone home and cried myself to dehydration because I've felt so isolated.

I have been with the same man for the last 4 years and I keep trying to push him away too. I keep wondering when will he discover the "real me", the same "real me" that 99% of the rest of the population doesn't like. Why would a smart, good looking guy want to marry me? I feel like waving my hands in front of his face and saying "Hey! Snap out of it! What are you not seeing???"

I don't know... this thread really hits home for me. All those times that people sit around you making plans to go out after work and I sit there trying to pretend I don't hear them so I don't make them feel bad.

Sorry, I just wish I understood better what was going on in this brain God put in my head. Every single one of the people on this board are such great people but we all have a problem with relationships!

Ok, it's 4:45 and now that I've depressed everyone, I'm going to bed.

Thanks for all of the response!

I am going to ramble here, I had an exwife who told me, the last time she slammed the door on her way out, "Figure out what's wrong!". That has stuck with me ever since and was twenty years ago. My present wife has been with me for 16 years and made the doc appt. for me the day I figured out I may be ADD from an online form and showed her how I answered the 75 question test......She has been very good to and for me, but has hit her limits with me.

I had to laugh, ja_add at the Far Side comic. I was the vice president of a 60 employee company untill 8 months ago. I couldn't take it anymore, the hours or the stress and sold my shares. In truth my brain hit overload because of a million things I had left half done. I had not thought of it till now but you know I got hyper focused before I left and took care of everything I was able to so some one else wasn't left with my mess.

I have "pretended" to have started a new company which I run out of a basement office. The company it's self is legit but I can not force myself to go out and do sales calls and must say the phone is not ringing off the hook with people wanting to give me any business. I am thinking about saying to heck with it and getting a job.

I have been on meds now for three weeks +. Last weekend was filled with social stuff. In-laws in town with us and a couple dinners and graduations to go to. I have never done well at that stuff! You know, my wife told me I was different and seemed more relaxed. (I actually asked me in-laws to stay another night.. You should have seen their eyes, and my wifes! Ha.)

I have also seemed to have a need to get organized? Have been through almost everything I own and am getting ready for a garage sale? That ain't me.

Thanks again,

Hi Lizzy

I just wanted to comment on your experience. Of coarse everybody reacts different ; but the man who has been in your life for 4 years evidently cares about you; so I thought I might share something I have learned over the years. Being older has given me a little bit of wisdom anyway. For all my life; I couldn't figure out why my wife loved me and stayed with me through all of my problems. It was one thing after another; and I would always have an excuse for my behavior. But year after year; my wife would see more and more of the "REAL" me. There was something there that she loved. I don't know what it is; but somehow; being REAL made her love me more. As you can imagine; as I became more convinced that this was true; it became easier to show her the real me. We've been married for 24 years now; and just recently I was diagnosed with this disorder. The thing is; I don't have a clue as to how to go about showing other people the "REAL" me. Last week; I told my mom about my diagnosis (We already don't get along very well) The way she took it was that once again I was copping out for my "irresponsible" behavior. The difference is; (from what my wife told me) I have never been "real" with my mom since I have been an adult. So the person she knows is false. But my wife KNOWS my innermost thoughts; my worries, and my weaknesses. I think she loves me BECAUSE I let her in. I would say that maybe if you were transparent with your partner (if you haven't been that is) he would KNOW the real you. Maybe show him some of these posts about lonelyness and feelings of not fitting in. I know in my case; my wife is excited that this is treatable; and I may be able to have some of this pain of "not fitting in" go away. She thought for years that somehow she was responsible for me being depressed; even though I told her she wasn't.

Are you getting treatment? We are all rooting for you and everyone else her who has struggled or is struggling with this disorder. We can relate. If we get better; it not only rewards us personally; but rewards everyone we know too!

I hope this makes sense; I just started my meds this morning, and feel a little wired. Sorry if I rambled, or put my nose in where it doesn't belong.

gr8art38135.3519444444

It is amazing to me that I even have people in my life I can call friends. The problem is I don't actually see them very often. Maybe once or twice a year if that. I am very hard on the people closest to me. I also judge (make up my mind about who they are) someone when I meet them (or even before I meet them). I also have a really hard time changing those judgements once I've made them. I am surprised my marriage has lasted as long as it has. Sometimes my husband looks at me when I'm on a tirade about something or someone like I am from another planet. That is exactly what I feel like. I am a martian in a world of earthlings only they can't see my green skin but they know I don't fit in.

Most of the people I spend liesure time with are my husbands friends. They have also become my friends but its not the same as having a real buddy to hang out with and pour your heart out too.

gettingagrip38133.3319444444

Hi all,

At 45 I have been diagnosed with ADD and have started Strattera for this.

In retrospect and with ADD positive answers to the questionares I filled out I have known something was up with me for all of my life. (If this treatment works it will be a huge relief.)

My question is this: Why are friendships and close relationships so impacted by ADD? I have never been able to figure out what was wrong with my approch to others and why I have had so few friends. What is it we tend to do to allienate others?

Any insite or comments would be appreciated. Even comments as to my approch to this post.

Thanks, Kent

I have never taken meds for my ADD. I simply cannot afford them. I have taken wellbutrin off and on for depression which I believe is a part of ADD, not just the result of unresolved issues. The wellbutrin helps with that and I see things more clearly in a general way, but i can't say it has done much for actually focusing on anything specific.

I tried counseling but that didn't work for reasons I won't go into. I went to the Lord and asked Him to be my dr and shrink. I asked Him to show me what my problems were and as much as I needed to know in portions I could handle. He has and He still is. I find I have more peace when I stay close to Him and trust Him to have control over the things I can't control. I try to do as He would have me rather than the way I would normally do things.

ja_add2004, you are right. There is so much more to ADD than is recognized by the medical profession. I believe that someday it will be recognized and classified as a learning disorder on its own, then people who have it will be treated differently and taught social skills as an official part of their education. Its people like us who don't just cave in and let the world run over us who will effect that change!

barb38133.4659606482

the more i learn about ADD and typical Adult ADD behaviors, the more "a-has" i have about why i'm so isolated, find it so hard to get involved in conversations, keep friends, etc., etc., etc.

one book i'd highly recommend on the topic is "What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?: Social Skills Help for Adults With Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD)" by Michele Novotni. it deals with the various sorts of problems ADDers have with human interaction, and gives ideas on how to make progress.

the title alone says it all. in fact, it was nearly that comment that finally got my current therapist to realize maybe i wasn't bipolar, that i was ADD. after he put me on neurontin for "mood stabilization," i stabilized at that level of depression where i cry every 45 minutes or so, and told him i was depressed because everybody else seemed to know how to do all the things that needed to be done in life, but i just could not seem to figure out how to make it happen. paying bills is hard enough to me, much less complex relationships with other people!

oddly enough, i had been diagnosed as having Adult ADD eight years previously, but didn't really accept it at the time, because i was more concerned about my depression and the fact that the doc i was seeing had an office so dominated with information about ADD that i felt i was being pigeonholed into a category he understood.

i could ramble on, but i'm supposed to be concentrating on work right now. :-)

Hang in there ADDK. Although I am completely new to knowing this ADHD symptomatic behaviors; it is a big help knowing that I'm not the only one that feels uncomfortable in my own skin. For all my life; I felt like I was a nice person; and couldn't for the life of me figure out why people tended to avoid me after getting to know me. I felt like a freak or a fish out of water; but now i see that there are others who feel that way too! I dropped out of society 10 years ago and decided I wasn't going to compete any more with the rat race. I got angry and as far as I was concerned ; the rats could have it all. I started going to church thinking I was going to find nice people to be around and found that people are all the same no matter what where you go. (Something better than people happened to me there!) The thing is that I just got my prescription for Adderall XR. It will be filled day after tomorrow. I look forward to it and dread it at the same time. It's been sooooo long! I don't know what to expect. As an artist; I have accepted myself as being "wierd". Now I feel pressure to be normal. It's a strange feeling and pretty uncomfortable.

I can tell you what I have figured out over the years. I think most of it is common to people with ADD but some of it may be just me. I'll let you decide what may or may not be a problem for you.

I would take things people say very literally. I had no sense of humor with negative comments even if I knew they were joking. When I tried to use humor, it always seemed to back fire.

Because I took everything literally and had a problem with hearing a partial comment and "read between the lines" (usually negatively) I felt like people were constantly criticizing and judging me. I also constantly criticized and judged others, sometimes to myself and sometimes to others. I was intolerant of mistakes by others and myself. I think I was more intolorant of the mistakes of others because I knew I had problems that they didn't. (maybe a resentment issue.

I whined and complained to anyone who would listen but because I knew I had tried and failed so often, I always argued that it wouldn't work for me if they offered suggestions to improve things. At the same time, I really wanted someone to make it better for me. .

Get the picture? I had trouble reading body language, facial expressions and voice inflections, therefore I had trouble forming meaningful relationships. I still have trouble reading criticism into things where it was never meant, but I know enough now to let most things slide and if something bothers me too much, to just go to the person and ask. Its hard because I have to make myself more vulnerable sometimes. I have to explain that I don't always "read" situations right and need to know if there is a problem. Then if there really is a problem, I have to try not to react negatively, but to think about what they said and if it was true.

I still have ADD. I still have all the problems and symptoms and maybe some of them are from something other than ADD. I don't know. I do know that as I have become aware of things, I have had to struggle to change my reactions to my perception of things. It has been hard, but I am much happier now and I think my relationships are healthier.

I hope this helps someone. As you can see, I still talk too much, but I am working on it! I think this one may be beyond me! Barb

Kent, I always assumed that after people got to know me, it was just a matter of time before I drove them away. I think we ADD'ers just irritate the $%^& out of other folks.

gr8art, what strength Adderall XR did you get? Getting the dose right can only be done by trial and error. My Dr. told me it was very much like getting glasses. Is this lens better or is this, A or B, C or D, etc. Only you know what's working the best. I was taking Adderall XR 20 mg while my little 11 year old daughter is on 25 or 30. I have to decide whether to continue Strattera or switch back to Adderall, or try them both.

Kent (ADDK),

I just read your poem a little while ago. Like I said before, I hear you.

Every once in awhile, I'll find a post from someone like you who appears to have alot in common with me.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always had a knack for pushing people away. I usually wouldn't have too much of a problem with meeting new people, or with being included initially. People would try to talk to me, include me in their conversations, invite me to lunch, make small talk... whatever. Though it seemed that no matter how much I tried to: a) keep a conversation going, b) come across as a nice person, c) be "one of the guys", or d) be intriguing enough to keep a pretty girl talking to me..., I would find that shortly after opening my mouth, or fail to open my mouth enough, I would somehow alienate myself.

I am 31 male. I kept only 2 friends from high school longer than 4-5 years. Today, I occasionally talk to them a few times a year via email. Now, the only friends I ever have are co-workers. But we're only friends at work. They never come over for a BBQ, we don't usually hang out and have a beer.

I find that I get so uncomfortable is social situations. I always have. Over the years it seems that I learned to adapt to this by completely avoiding social situations whenever possible. I even alienate myself from my family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not agoraphobic. It's just that I don't know how to interact with people; even when I really would like to, it seems I would somehow mess up and dissapoint myself.

When I was 23, there was a brief period (when I would go out with 1 of the 2 buddies I kept from high school) and hang out at a hip hop night club. I couldn't dance, nor would I get much attention from the ladies. But to make a long story short, it didn't take long before I discovered that after having a few beers, things started to change. Being the "straight edge" type, I wasn't a drinker in high school. Anyway, with a slight to moderate buzz, I had the typical "false confidence" that drunks often have. It didn't take long before I started meeting new girls. One or two over a long period wasn't a revalation, but when I started meeting 1 or 2 each weekend, I realized I was on to something.

Well, fortunately for me, my newly found drinking habit lasted only a few months before my buddy and I had a falling out and we stopped partying together. The girls eventually went away and I came to my senses and made up with my girlfriend (who is now my lovely wife), and stopped drinking.

Anyway Kent, the point that I'm trying to make here is that one of the reasons I had trouble finding and retaining good friends was my confidence. I still don't really understand how or why, but there is definately something that I am portraying that make others feel uncomfortable. I am still working on it, and don't have the answers yet. I don't beleive it is too late for myself, nor do I beleive it's too late for you.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you come accross to me like you're a bit depressed. When I first went to my psychiatrist, it was to get help with my anxiety. It was then, that I learned that I was depressed, then learned that I had ADD. Again, to make a very long story short, I am now taking Wellbutrin XR and Paxil for my depression and anxiety. It has only been a few months, but it has already helped IMMENSELY!! I'm not sure if my depression came from my social problems (perhaps related to ADD), or if I have always just had a chemical imbalance ("norepinephrine" & "serotonin"). Either way, with these two brain chemicals in better balance, I am much...much more comfortable in social enviornments. I am better at idle small talk. I don't feel so uncomfortable when talking to new people, so I get a better reaction from them. Plus, I am much more patient and loving with my wife... it's great!!

Things are much better, but I'm only getting started. I still have a little discomfort with my family, but that might be what I call "real" issues. As far as my ADD, I was also prescribed Strattera. For me it didn't work. It had many strange side effects and started to hurt the positive effects of the Paxil, so I started to feel anxious again. I had urinary problems and painful ejaculation. For me, it was not good. I have a new appointment with my doctor next Tuesday. However, I think the Wellbutrin has been helping my ADD. Wellbutrin is also prescribed to treat ADD. I'm going to also talk with my doctor about trying a stimulant again, since Strattera failed miserably for me.

Well Kent, I don't know if you are experiencing any depression or not, but find out if you are. Depression is not always obvious. You don't have to be lying in bed all day and crying to be suffering from depression. For me, it eventually manifested itself into anger, frustration and anxiety. Talk to you doctor (preferably a psychiatrist and/or psychologist), and rule out any depression. The depression should be treated first and formost, because it can become debilitating.

Anyway, sorry for the extremely long post. I can sometimes hyperfocus when I write these things and ramble on too much. Get back to me. I'd really like to know how things are going. I'd like to know for your benefit as well as my own. The more I learn from others, the more it will help me too. Thanks.

-JA

Barb,

This is great! I'm finding so many people like myself. I would take things so literally and be offended by anything and EVERYTHING. I drive my wife crazy with my complaints. I hate this! I hate that! I don't like her face! They're wrong! LOL! It's amazing I ever wondered why I push people away, eh?

My wife won't let me watch the news anymore because I would get so emotionally involved with all the madness going on in the world right now.

We should all write to the APA and have them redefine Attention Deficit Order in the DSM, because it is so much more than short attention span and hyperactivity. This is amazing... you all are singing my song!

- JA

I think (in my case); i was too "brutally honest" with friends. I always thought that being "transparent" was a good thing. I never liked lying to people and saying how much they were good friends toward me. Instead I would eventually let them know how they let me down. I guess that would go toward the symptom of "impulsivity". I think the reality is just that they are "people" and people have flaws, and do let you down eventually. But my problem was that I let them know that.

You know? "OOPS; was that out loud?"

Thanks gr8art

In all honesty I think in my case it is too little to late.

Finally figured out what is going on with me but have trashed much of my life in the aftermath.

I wonder if meds have given any true relief or if you just keep living this nightmare?

Must admit that I went to a doc in all honesty (finally) and was prescribed Strattera.

My problem is Alliention and confusion over who I am and what to do in any given situation.

Oh hell, I can not even speak my mind here because I have never known how to do that. My mind just gets confused

I hadn't thought about considering item #2 on your list.

JAXKIPI,

The no friends thing, well! i am a middle-aged man and have "never" had a person i call friend. lots of people know me and chitchat but thats it. I have a S.O. who has tolerated me for who i am. We have 2 in family, 1 ADHD(diagnosed) 1not.

The arrival of the net in my world was an eye opener and gave me the chance to get to meet others like me, from all over the planet, and it has been the best time of my life. sharing and having fun with people that are similar to me.
I live seperate from my birth family and get invites when they feel it is needed.I cannot spend much time with them because something will be said that hurts and then i try to protect myself but am accused of "whatever". Keep looking until you find what you need! It may be the next phonecall or "whatever" and of course there are all of us. So you are not alone any more!

[QUOTE=ryan1950]

The arrival of the net in my world was an eye opener and gave me the chance to get to meet others like me, from all over the planet, and it has been the best time of my life. sharing and having fun with people that are similar to me.
Keep looking until you find what you need! It may be the next phonecall or "whatever" and of course there are all of us. So you are not alone any more!

[/QUOTE]

Thank you Ryan. I think you guys are wonderful...

ChiefB38144.5393518519

Hi Kathy,

I know how you feel. My wife works with people with disbailities and fully believes and understands ADD. But she still gets angry and tells me to "just pull it together".

I guess just because we have a reason and understand why we behave the way we do, it still does not make it any easier for those around us.

But I do not think we need to be friendless forever. Now that we know our issues, maybe we can do 3 things (interested in thoughts from anyone else on this):

#1 - Continue to work on our behaviors (at least the most troublesome ones).

#2 - Try to understand the non-ADDers point of view (I think it is almost impossible for them to understand).

#3 - Find some other ADDers to hang out with!

ChiefB,

Like you i hadn't thought of item 2 either! because, i always spent so much time just rapt in research trying to find as many options as possible for people who come to our little group for support. Chazinmo you may have hit on something we all need to think about if we are to move forward. It is amazing what can happen when we reach out beyond ourselves.