Problems with Affection | ADHD Information

Davidornado, thats exactly what my daughter deals with!  We are very close and shes NOT being abused. Her boyfriend can tell her how beautiful she is, pamper her etc and she loves it, but she reallly struggles with giving the same back to him.  I know shes young, but if she cant learn how to make him (or anyone else) feel as special as he makes her feel, shes gona struggle with relationships and be divorced.  She just is so cold about others feelings.  Could this be ADD related at all ya think??

[QUOTE=nuthen2it]Davidornado, thats exactly what my daughter deals with!  We are very close and shes NOT being abused. Her boyfriend can tell her how beautiful she is, pamper her etc and she loves it, but she reallly struggles with giving the same back to him.  I know shes young, but if she cant learn how to make him (or anyone else) feel as special as he makes her feel, shes gona struggle with relationships and be divorced.  She just is so cold about others feelings.  Could this be ADD related at all ya think??[/QUOTE]
Could be AD/HD, definitely. What happens is most ADrs don't relate like others (what I call normals, or non-ADrs), but we do LOVE. It is often assumed that ADrs are non-emotional, which is most certainly not always true. I emote a lot, just have a very hard time being accepted for how I demonstrate it.

When my friend fell off a cliff, my freaking fear was expressed by uncontrollable laughter. This was my emotional release expression. I cry, too, but I have to hurt a hell of a lot. Like when my daughter, or dad, died. When I hurt myself like with a hammer, I don't cuss, I don't scream, I don't yell; I LAUGH.

I very rarely have nightmares. I frequently recall my dreams. I often have laughdreams, where I wake myself and others up laughing in my sleep. My wife thinks it's an expression of some psychosis, but I think it's different.

Another thing, a lot of ADrs just are too busy trippin' on 30 thoughts to communicate well. This is where the meds come in handy. Some cope with communication challenges by WRITING. That's how I handle it. Trouble is, when your communiccee doesn't like reading or writing...

Best wishes,

David
  [QUOTE=daniel's mom]If you have SPd also you maybe Sensory defensive which are people who dislike touch. This was our son before therapy happened. He is now Sensory sensative. [/QUOTE]

What's "SP'd"? If you read it fast, like an ADr, it sounds like speed. But I know that's not it.

But, that's not what I wanted to say. I found out last night through these post-it-threads that some ADHDrs are skin sensitive, and like to be naked. Not in a bad way, but they can't stand certain kinds of fabric (like wool, or synthetics, or thick cotton), certainly cna't stand TAGs, which I cut off all my shirts & shorts, and when tagless T's came out, gave away all my tagged Ts, and bought 20 tagless (I loose them). They can't stand hair tickling them, or bugs crawling on them, or jewelry banging on them, or jewelry constricting them, stuff like that.

I wonder if this is pertinent to this thread, I just read your thing, and didn't read the others. And I can't figure out how to go back without loosing these thoughts. Maybe I need some that therapy yuor son got...
  NO, I am saying she MAY HAVE been abused at some OTHER point. I kept the secret of being molested from my parents until I was 23yrs old. If you have SPd also you maybe Sensory defensive which are people who dislike touch. This was our son before therapy happened. He is now Sensory sensative. I don't have problems with affection...
... I love it...
... it's showing it I have problems with...
Does not sound good when your other does not say I love you when you say it.  As for nuthen2it.... maybe your daughter is abused or something you don't know about. Talk to her. Get it out in the open. Find out what is wrong..or maybe she doesn't feel all that great about him... as for some of the others,,,,, It is hard to show affection when so many other things are bouncing around. Maybe make a note of it and try to be a a little more sleezy. look at sexy things before crashing into bed, take that shower before bed, spray some eu de cologne and brush them pearly whites..... and grab that partner and make them subdue sexuality is a part of a relationship and if you have a hangup, maybe it is time to get past it and explore your sexuality . Maybe your too comfortable, or maybe you no longer want to be with that person. Sex is not a TABOO thing, it is not dirty, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Make time for yourself to enjoy your life and by that I mean have enjoyable sex. No more sexual frustrations. Get dolled up, or get hunked out, make it a passion. Passion is required for a relationship to work. FROM BOTH SIDES........ get to it and don't wait. if you just lay there and don't be a part of it, your not a part of it , and your NOT making it work and the other person WILL BE FRUSTRATED. and will eventually leave you. If you do not make someone feel wanted with your advances, they WILL feel UNWANTED and start to walk away from you.
bugzappers38571.4498032407I have a daughter thats 18 and has AD.  She has a wonderful boyfriend but hes struggling with her inability to show affection.  She seems so cold/hard and I dont know why.  Its not just with him, its life/emotions in general and shes always been this way.  He is crazy about her and does things for her to make her feel special but hes not getting it in return.  She has not been taking her Concerta this summer since school is out.  Could that be part of her problem??  I dont want her to have relationship problems through out life.  I want her to be able to love and be loved back.  We are very close...Any ideas how I can help as her mom?

Why do you think it is difficult for you?

All I can think of is, get a little closer.

Does anyone else have problems with showing affection? My wife complains I am not very affectionate and distant. Anybody have an ideas?

 

sry, maybe also if you have inattentive type like me, you zone out or she's noticing your distractibility and that you're not focusing on one thing (her) for a 'normal' amt of time. i don't know, sorry. i read this in a bk but i cna't find it again.

yes, Shaggy, I do. I even find it hard sometimes to show my kids. I give them a lot of hugs and kisses and touch them a lot but as for spending time with them, its very hard to show an interest in things that they are into and I'm not. I just can't keep my mind on anything unless it interests me personally.

When it comes to the hubby, the day to day interaction is so much the same thing all the time that I get bored easily. I know he would like me to sit and cuddle and chit chat but I hate chit chat. What do people find to talk about when they see each other every day? I know he feels neglected but I don't know how to spend any amount of time with anyone, even someone I love and want to be with. He doesn't think that being in the same room together while watches tv and I read counts.

Any suggestions?

 

apparently you can have a prob with this if u  hav a.d.d. because you are so distracted and overwhelmed with input that you don't notice subtle things like emotions all the time. sry, im really bada at expalining :P

I guess I bounce from really intense, want to spend lots of time, lots of affection, possibly clingy, etc. ... to want lots of my own space, let me do my own thing... what SO? what do you mean I have a boyfriend???

 

I think you have ADHD.

That's my idea.

Welcome to the club. The only emotion I show is when I'm posting....

barb-thanks. I am going to work on forcing the affection with hope that it will become natural. I know what you mean, my wife says it is like i have imposed a rerstraining order, she can't come within 10 feet of me!I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. For me to pay attention to the loved one, is keeping me busy & I try to show affection often.If showing affection is difficult it should at least be discussed only to show the other party that caring is there and that it is not them but something else.  On the other side of the coin it can be viewed as I am not loved or charished.  It can wear someone down if they feel they are uncared for, yes I am talking from experience.  My husband has been trying to make more efforts becaue I share my feelings with him.  I hope no one takes this the wrong way it is only meant to help.

I don't know about anyone else but we do discuss it. We try to discuss everything that concerns our marriage and family. If we didn't and if we didn't have a committment to each other, we would have divorced long ago. In that respect, its no different for us than for anyone, regrdless of who they are or what problems they have.

I also have a problem showing affection. I feel like I show more affection towards my friends than I do my family which it hurts at times. There are situations of my grandparents being in their "close to death" stage and it's hard on my mom, and I tell her I'm sorry, but deep down..I can't stand to see my grandparents like this. My grandfather has alheimerzer's and it's just scary to see him like this, and my grandmother is trying to help him out and there's stuff going on. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I can relate. Try praying.

This post is actually helpful for me for I do not have ADD but my  husband of 10 years does.  At times I felt maybe he does not love me anymore for I never hear the words "I love you anymore", no affections what-so-ever and it hurts you  tend to take it personally.  It feels like we are roomates instead of a couple then after I say something I do get the feeling it is forced not natural and it does hurt how hard I try.  I get the look sometimes "oh it is you" the old excitement is gone for he used to be very affectionate.

   Sorry for listing the feelings but this post does help with maybe some understanding.

I am fairly new to the forum.  My dr. said I am classic ADHD...I have problems maintaining relationships. This is a major problem I have had all my life.  All I hear from others is how cold I am and not attentive to their needs.  I never corelated this to be part of my ADHD, but after reading many of the posts here, maybe this is part of my problem of not being able to show affection...

Wow!

okay one is that I'm very sure that my off-on boyfriend is ADHD but in particular that my dad is! From my mom I know my dad isn't so big on giving her attention/affection. She was always frustrated by this but I guess the stuff he DID showed her he did love her. The cutest thing is the last few years he has taken to bringing her flowers every few days. Flowers!!!! And he actually takes time to pick out the right ones, the ones she'll like best! I guess he (like me) has problems SAYING how he's feeling so he shows affection by doing stuff, often practical. I think flowers ARE practical because my mom loves them.

 

Little things really capture the heart of a lady. Love notes, flowers on non-holidays, acting like a couple of crazy kids at the park...I too have a problem showing affection....And like you Barb I hate Chit-Chat...Words just seem like Blah-Blah-Blah..My Husband constantly wants to talk about my not showing affection....I can't stand this. I think that just being in the same room is enough...Affection in my home is a HUGE Problem......Hi
I am a 19 year olf female with inattentive ADD, and i do have
issues with showing affection. i think part of it may be that i'm
negligent, in general. I will be affectionate, just inconsistently. i
try to make up for it, sometimes by compromising myself. I also
have a hard time saying I love you, and the words sweetheart,
cuddling and other mushy stuff. it's could be partly the ADD, or
at least ADD-influenced issues.

I think as ADDer's we can get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget to take notice of our SO.  When we forget things that are important to our SO it makes them feel unimportant and neglected.

Touching and hugging is not enough.  Great sex is not enough. 

Trust, communication, and mutual respect.....I feel are the most important things.