Advice - ADHD child hurting my children | ADHD Information
My 4 and 5 year old sons play with a 7 year old boy with ADHD. Before this child took medication he was very aggressive towards my children, I stopped having him over the house when he pushed my son down the steps because he walked too slowly. For the past several months the child has been taking medication and although he does not obey anything I tell him (touching things he shouldn't) his violent streak seemed to be better, until recently, he is back to shoving, and hitting and he recently tried to hold both of my children under the water in our kiddie pool. This greatly concerns me, becuse he jumped on my 4 year old sons back and held him under the water, I repremanded the child and told him that he can not do this beacuse he could kill someone, I walked to the side of my yard, where the child could not see me and he jumped on my 5 year old sons back and held him under the water. This scares me because he obviously knows what he is doing and waits for me to walk out of sight to hurt my children. I want to tell his parents that the child is no longer welcome to play with my children, but we are all very friendly and I do not want to cause hurt feelings. Is this violent behavior normal in children with ADHD? and will they eventually outgrow it.? I am very concerned, I am afraid to leave this child alone with my children for a minute, even to use the bathroom. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks, Stacey
I don't believe it is normal ADHD behavior. The violence is likely the symptom of another comorbid condition.
Your first priority is to protect your children. Tell the mother that something has to be done and that he is not allowed to play with your children without you or your husband there personally. Do not trust her to watch them. You do it.
Make sure he understands that you will not tolerate any hurtful treatment of your children and that he will be banned from playing with them if he doesn't straighten up. He is old enough to understand that. The first time he is caught being mean, send him home for the rest of the day at least. Zero tolerance!
Is the boy in counseling? Is she having him evaluated by someone trained to diagnose behavior disorders? If not, suggest that she do so.
We had a neighbor who's son was brutal to ours. He is still mean when he can get the chance. He will attack in or after school, when the neighborhood kids are outside playing, etc. All the parents say is "why don't you just let boys be boys?". They are no longer considered friends. I don't consider them good parents either. I have (and will) promised to call the police and prosecute if it doesn't stop.
Your child's safety is more important than any friendship.
It will probably take some time for him to straighten up even if she does get him treated. He may never become eligible for the "Mr. Nice Guy" award but hopefully he will become a bit more socially acceptable and you won't have to fear for your kids.
as I read you stories I got the chills my 3 yo is very aggressive and turn on dime. when he is good he is very good and when he is bad watch out. I am very nervous when he goes nd plays at someones house. I fret all the time because I know what he is like. people try to be nice about it but I know they hate seeing him because he can be beast. I am trying all kinds of things with him but havn't gone for a dx yet. This is not normal ADHD behavior. These children need to be re-evaluated...for bipolar!I have a similair situation. The boy down the street was and still is very aggressive. He can switch from nice to mean in a split second. His mom was very happy when the school diagnosed him as ADD, then she told everyone "He has ADD the neighborhood will have to adjust". NO. Because he can be very violent I made it clear to my kids, and becuase the mother would not supervise him at all I made sure my kids stayed clear of this child. This was 4 years ago.. every so often I feel a pang of guilt and think to myself well.. maybe he's changed now. Then I hear a story of something awfull he's done in school that makes me glad I still have my no contact rule. Because he was so mean, my kids never had a problem staying away from him.
Bottom line, your first job is to protect your kids. Go with your mother's instinct. I understand about wanting to make waves with your neighbors. What you could do is tell the parents that their child is welcome at your house but only if he is directly supervised by one of them.
[QUOTE=TrLoBy]as I read you stories I got the chills my 3 yo is very aggressive and turn on dime. when he is good he is very good and when he is bad watch out. I am very nervous when he goes nd plays at someones house. I fret all the time because I know what he is like. people try to be nice about it but I know they hate seeing him because he can be beast. I am trying all kinds of things with him but havn't gone for a dx yet. [/QUOTE]
I wanted to repond to your post because my 3 year old son was also aggressive, moody and pretty much mean to everyone. He was not violent, just flat out nasty. I thought about having him evaluated, but decided to wait until he started school. He started nursery school last year for 2 hours a day, 3 days a week. The first day I expected a phone call, but never received one and as time went on I kept asking his teachers if he was a problem and the answer was always no. (I was Shocked!) As my son got closer to 4, his speech greatly improved and he would tell me when things hurt or bothered him. My son also has chronic ear infections which could add to any childs unhappiness. If you have your 3 year old evaluated now, I am sure they will find some area that needs work (example, Speech}but you may be wasting your money and time on services that he is too young to benefit from. Others may disagree with me, but my boys were much slower at learning things, than my daughter. Boys tend to speak later, calm down later and just tend to stay young longer than girls. If your son is still 3, he is between a baby and a child (remeber, last year you were proberbly still changing his diaper!). Really observe how developed his speech is, they get very frustrated if they can not communicate how thay are feeling. Also, does he have any physical complaints that you may or may not be aware of, allergies, ear infections, snoring at night, which effects their sleep, causing tired ,cranky ,angry kids. I am sorry to write so much, but I was where you are 6 months ago. When a Doctor asked me if my son snored, I honestly didn't know, but now I do and being aware of this has helped. He never tells me his ears hurt, but from observing him I know when he is sick (he gets cranky, and his eyes look sad) every child is different. Try to look at him closely for any physical signs that may be causing his unhappiness. My son is turning 4 in a week and he has dramatically changed. Family members and friends actually like him now, It is as if he woke up one day a sweet, normal child. As a Mother, you have gut feelings about things that are usually correct. If you feel it's more than immaturity than have him evaluted now, but observe him for a few days to see if there are any physical symptoms causing his unhappiness. God bless you and your family, Stacey
Hi Stacey,
I agree, this may be a comorbid condition. I will tell you we have a similar situation across the street, where the male child is 16 years old, and this has been going on since they moved here 6 years ago. Early on they thought it was just ADHD, and had him ADDerallated. Now, he's on that and more. And doing great. He graduates next year. Here's what happened.
He was not quite violent, as in your case, but highly disfunctional in regards to socially acceptable behaviour. And it wasn't his environment, as his father is a sherrif's deputy and his mother a nurse. His sisters are fine. He truly has medical conditions. Part of his anti-social behavior was taking things (like stealing, but unintentionally: he saw it, he liked it, he took it) and taking off (like running away, but not maliciously, he'd always come back, after frightening everyone). He could not sit still, nor follow instructions, and seemingly rebelliously disobedient.
When his behavior started impacting my children dangerously (when my 13 year old daughter got mad at her mother she asked him (at 14) to take her to the party where her friends were at, but no one told us; or when he (at 11), and my 6 year old daughter took off without word to the snow covered creek to throw rocks), we acted to protect our kids. Of course we all freaked, but it was a wake up call like what you describe. So, we had a talk with his parents, who of course are friends, and their response was quite positive. They appologized, and sought changes for their son.
But we did have to set boundaries to protect our children. Twice he was persona non grata for a long period at our house, although his sisters were not.
Your children are your highest priority, not the feelings of your adult friends. They might appreciate the information, not knowing this behavior is presenting in their child.
I agree with you on keeping a close eye on your children.
Best wishes, and be strong.
D
If you are friendly with the parents you should tell them what is going on so they can help him. You can say it in a nice way, if someone came up to me and told me my child was doing something not nice I would want to know so I can try to correct even be there myself to help.Hey Tater,
Here, too, eh?
Regards,
D 
d
[QUOTE=barb]Are the parents trying to get help for him?[/QUOTE]
Not sure to whom this Q's directed, but if it is to the most previous post, that's me, and therefore I'll answer it as such:
Yes, they are, they have, and he's doing a lot better. We have allowed him back into our family's lives, and even let him live with us for a few months to allow for a "cooling off period" with his dad a while back. If I wasn't clear, the dangerous behavior took place up to about 2 years ago. After our talk with them, he was assigned more / other mxRxs. Like I said, he's graduating this year, and has grown to be a fine young man, as long as he stays on his mxRxs.