Being Clingy | ADHD Information

[QUOTE=Shaggy]I don't like to be touched...and I can't sit down long enough for someone to cling to me. When my wife and I were dating I later found out she used to time how long it would take me to get up after she sat down next to me. [/QUOTE]

Shaggy, I have always believed that this is a learned thing. Best when tought young, but maybe can be learned later. Would it be possible for you to pretend on a regular basis? I'm guessing, that if you pretend enough, you may wake up on e day and suddenly 'get it'. Worth a shot? Your wife would appreciate the effort I'm sure.

Oh I am called needy, but it isn't necessarily neediness. If someone goes in the other room and shuts the door I get curious and go see if everything is alright, but get reprimanded. It's not like I need to know what everyone is doing every minute of the day, but if I suspect they are off sulking somewhere I will go investigate to see if I can help them resolve it. I like openess with all things whether current events or skeletons in the closet. If someone is out late longer than they say they will be, I do get worried because the world is a crazy place. I think overall I have mothering tendencies with my men. I just love to give affection and make them feel happy & stable.I don't like to be touched...and I can't sit down long enough for someone to cling to me. When my wife and I were dating I later found out she used to time how long it would take me to get up after she sat down next to me.

I think one of the problems is terminology (ain't it always?). There's "clingy" which I use as wants to have physical closeness whenever in the same room, "needy" as in when someone HAS to be in on everything the SO is doing all the time - even bathroom breaks and visits to your work, etc. Clingy is fine for me- I was with my ex SO and she was totally NOT into it. Don't touch was her favorite thing. I gave her time to herself and when together I wanted skin to skin. Not her.

Then - we get the knife wielding stalker type of behavior that goes so beyond all that. We either ignore the signs or, as we ADDers are like we totally have it whooshing over our heads like low flying geese - totally unaware that our bunny is in the pot as we speak.

Can't fault bcgirl or GPK for not seeing it until too late. I've had some hellish experiences - mind you no cutlery was involved thankfully - but I admit I was blissfully ignorant until I had to try and cut off the relationship during total chaos.

Just have to make that separation for clarity sake. I think "clingy" but not "needy" is safest - hardly ever escalates. "needy" is dangerous - they tend to feel empty and missing something essential - which they've sadly voted you to become. The needy individual is nothing without you - incomplete. Without being a whole person this type is doomed to be disappointed when it ends. It's just so sad.

Clingy on the other hand is just craving that awesome feeling of another human's totality. You only know that it's only clingy when they have their own separate existence from you - where they can safely be if you are unavailable.

Man - this subject line has made me feel SO much less abnormal in my past relationships. Sorry ladies.

My non-ADHD wife says I am very needy of her like our children are. You may say it is one of the definitions for "clingy", no? [QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]BC- he knocked on my door, holding a knife to his head. I was in the middle of making a costume for a party. I was going to be an interactive table, with a chip bowl on my head. My head went through a hole in the middle of a cardboard box. There were place settings and a tablecloth and everything. Friends would pull chairs up and eat off my costume. I was figuring out how to fasten the bowl to my head, so that it would be secure to eat from. I opened the door, dressed like something out of beauty and the beast, and was greeted with a knife and a threat. So bizarre. [/QUOTE]

Yeesh. I thought my guy was bad.

He was so clingy/possessive that he needed to be with me all the time. I couldn't leave the room without him following. If he decided to leave a room, he expected me to come with him. I'd ask him why, and he say he "just wanted to spend time with me."

"What's wrong with sitting here on the couch watching tv?"

"I don't want to watch tv."

"Then go do something else."

"But I want you to spend time with me."

Aaarrrgh!!!

The guy didn't even want me to read a book if he was playing a computer game:

"Talk to me," he'd say.

"About what?"

"I dunno. Anything."

"I don't have anything to talk about, I want to read."

"But then you aren't paying attention to me."

It's a wonder I never ended up in an asylum.
Hmm, here we have an example of *bad* clingy. Difference between 'affectionate' and 'clingy' I guess.

Well, I have this habit of stroking a guy's cheek, running my fingers through his hair, or putting my arm around him. Somehow thats being too clingy. lol

Lol Rei, yours sounds like the good kind. It's a wonder people don't like that. You sure? I just try to give attention a lot. It's not wanted by the types of guys I date. hehe

GPK,

I do find that I occasionally need time to myself, but that's typically when everything in my life is stressing me out (60 hour work weeks, 10 mo son being clingy because he's teething, etc.) Then I need to have an hour where I can just soak in the tub or go get lost at the book store for an hour. I don't get the chance to get lost in a movie (that's too much time) anymore.

But we're talking once a month versus some people that seem to want 'alone time' every day.

My husband and I are so compatible that we can lay on the couch together all day watching movies and feel like we can get the same relaxation that true 'alone time' gives you.

Autumnstar

[QUOTE=autumnstar]

GPK,

But we're talking once a month versus some people that seem to want 'alone time' every day.

My husband and I are so compatible that we can lay on the couch together all day watching movies and feel like we can get the same relaxation that true 'alone time' gives you.

Autumnstar

[/QUOTE]

That's a nice way to be I think. People are so different in their needs that way, that it's hard to achieve. I think it may have to do with upbringing. Families who never touch each other just don't learn to associate that with comfort I guess.

Lol I'm clingy when I'm drunk. [QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]My first serious relationship with a clingy person, when I ended it, the guy tried to kill himself and wound up in an asylum. [/QUOTE]

Whoa... was he related to my first boyfriend? When I broke up with him, he cried like a 3 year old girl and threatened to kill himself, but 4 years later a mutual acquaintance informed me that he was still alive and well.
[QUOTE=bcgirl1978] [QUOTE=GarbagePailKid]My first serious relationship with a clingy person, when I ended it, the guy tried to kill himself and wound up in an asylum. [/QUOTE]

Whoa... was he related to my first boyfriend? When I broke up with him, he cried like a 3 year old girl and threatened to kill himself, but 4 years later a mutual acquaintance informed me that he was still alive and well.
[/QUOTE]

Did his name start with an "R"? Good for him. It is so mean for someone to use their life as a weapon against you.

BC- he knocked on my door, holding a knife to his head. I was in the middle of making a costume for a party. I was going to be an interactive table, with a chip bowl on my head. My head went through a hole in the middle of a cardboard box. There were place settings and a tablecloth and everything. Friends would pull chairs up and eat off my costume. I was figuring out how to fasten the bowl to my head, so that it would be secure to eat from. I opened the door, dressed like something out of beauty and the beast, and was greeted with a knife and a threat. So bizarre. Personally, I relate some forms of clinginess with self-esteem issues.

For all of you clingy people, how do you reconcile being clingy with wanting time to yourself? Do you no longer feel the need for time to yourself? How long does clinginess last for all of you? I am asking because sometimes I feel like time spent with SO is time lost by myself. The balance between desire for relationship, and my contented loner-ness is hard for me to strike. Do you have this problem? Am I just a weirdo? I think maybe there are different types of clingy. There's the physical, which I think I might be, then the "You have to pay attention to me now" kindof clingy.floofthegoof- again thanks for the insight! It makes sense. Somone at another board said that it was probably coping mechanism for rejection...which is inline with your assessment.

Reizende,

I've been accused of the same thing. That's how I knew I found 'the right one' when I found someone just the same way. He has some of the same ADHD traits but he's compensated so well in his life, it doesn't cause him any problems.

It could be a trait.

Autumnstar

Is being too clingy in a relationship related to ADHD at all? I just constantly want to be holding onto, or touching the person I am dating. Guys don't seem to like that too much. heh Is it a personal thing? or an ADHD thing?

I have been accused of being clingy. It's one of those things that depends upon the target of your affection as much as on you. Some poeple just don't like to be touched, period.

I've never had a girlfriend who I thought was too clingy for me. Maybe that means I am clingy! I dunno.

[QUOTE=Shaggy]

floofthegoof-

thanks ...i think? so i guess you are saying that the reason I don't like to be touched is something I learned years ago (I am 39 now) why doesn't really matter but it is okay to be touched or close too somone. Since it is so ingrainded I will need to prentend and it will be uncomfortable at first but I will become more comfortable with time and may not have to pretend. Did I get the point?

[/QUOTE]

I'm only guessing! but yeah that's the point. Maybe, once you associate the practice with pleasant interaction, you may benefit from closeness instead of just tolerating it.

floofthegoof-

I am scared of clingy people. If they need you that badly, how can you leave them?

Oh, that wasn't healthy. That was very unfortunate that you went through that.

But you can't stay in a relationship where you're not happy. You have no control over someone else's actions. You should feel no guilt.

With a clingy person, it's best to be honest, if possible in a gentle but firm way. None of this "I'm nore ready for a serious relationship right now" for the clingy person to find out that 6 months later that you ended up in a serious relationship and got married. (yep had that one happen too)

Honesty is best in any relationship. Don't try to avoid the truth for it to be easier on the person. If the person truly loves you, if they realize that you're not happy with them - as much as it hurts, they'll let you go.

GPK,

I can see how clinginess can be seen as someone needing something from you. But maybe those clingy people are saving all their attention up to give it to someone special.

There is a difference. There are those people that NEED to spend all their time with someone else. They NEED things, attention, time, etc from other people. These people have their own issues and are seeking things from others rather than getting it from themselves. Not healthy.

For me, if I care about someone, I want to talk to them, see them, etc because I enjoy their company and want them to see that. But I don't do it to get things from people.

I'd never seen it from that viewpoint though. Interesting.

Autumnstar

My first serious relationship with a clingy person, when I ended it, the guy tried to kill himself and wound up in an asylum.

For me, it's not about need. It's about having someone that I want to shower attention upon.

Apparently it's really easy for people to leave clingy people. And also apparently just as easy for people to cheat on clingy people. (having been on the receiving end of both)

Wow, autumn. You put things in great perspective for me. I think I have just had bad experiences leaving clingy people, and those experiences cloud my ability to realize that clinginess can be nice and affectionate and harmless.

I definitely can relate to being clingy...both in a "needy" kind of way and in an "affectionate" kind of way...

I was very affectionate...(i.e., always on my husband, hand-holding, and cheek-kissing him all the time, ALWAYS some kind of skin contact with him-) ALL THE WAY UP until I had my baby. After that, for some reason, I never felt like being touched in any kind of way. My husband wants to hold my hand, and I'm like, GET OFF OF ME!....He tries to massage my shoulders, and I'm like, 'MOVE!"....

I have tried to figure out why I am this way all of a sudden.....Perhaps it's just a postpartum thing, I am 5 weeks postpartum...perhaps maybe as time goes, my hormones will even out, and i will be back to my same old clingy-affectionate self again? Hope so, cause my husband likes the "affectionate" me, and I think sometimes he wishes I was back to my old self....

oh...um. let me clarify a little something...that's 'FACE' cheek kissing!!

My husband is a "larger" individual, he has nice wonderful chubby cheeks!

Wordwoman!! That is the BEST explanation of it
ever!!! The need for "right now"... the thinking about it
later... YES!! I may have to borrow your description!
Also, I go to the other end of the spectrum at times,
when I just don't want/can't handle any contact or
whatever.. "grumpy old man time" maybe? Well, this is an interesting topic, especially since there is also a thread
going on right now wondering if ADD people have trouble showing
affection. Seems like these are opposite ends of the spectrum.

Could being clingy be related to the ADD tendency to require that one's
needs be filled *right now*? I'm thinking that maybe "clingy" is when
you're needing affection or reassurance at a time when your partner is not
on the same wavelength and you simply cannot or will not be sensitive to
that. My partner calls this being on "infant time" -- I want to talk *now,*
or I want affection *now,* or I need to do something or buy something
*now.* Later will not do! Intellectually I may realize that an hour later or
a day later might be a better time for many things, but when I'm on
"infant time" the intellectual part of me is not running the show.

Hi, thanks for this topic. I've also been called clingy, by a guy who is highly commitment-phobic - 3-5 months tops per period of "relationship". He's really great and talented, etc. - but I feel that it's like being friends with a cat sometimes.

Funny thing is, both of us need lots of our own space, alone time, etc. and work on weird schedules, often late into the night. We go through good communication times and no communication times. The "no" times I think are when I get "clingy" because, well, I get uncomfortable with not hearing from him, and I get hyper when I see him after not having seen him for some time... asking silly questions, nonstop talking, hugs, etc. This kind of behaviour = clingy, apparantly. Also, when I'm under stress I tend to need more human contact, but also have less time for it - so I find i call him more and ask when he's coming over, etc. which, since he is very independant/anticommitment, he experiences as me being "contrtolling" - although he says he feels this way when ANYONE asks him what his immediate plans are, which I can believe. Probably the more stress contributes to the no communication. (stress = fulltime school after 2 years of no school plus trying to run my own "cottage industry" business).

The thing I have only recently started to understand about myself is that I will spend as much time with, physical contact, etc. as I can, because I enjoy it and find it interesting. But when he sets a limit, I can keep it. I think being a visual/kinesthetic learner contributes to wanting to see/touch when we're together, but it's not a need or a compulsion.

I'll also call more when I'm really busy cos otherwise I will actually forget about him (or anyone) for long periods of time - like all of May I basically didn't call him! So, I try to make an effort to call so that way I dont' forget.

Hm.. well, that's all I can manage right now. Oh yeah, and I'm down to only part time school cos it's 2nd summer semester. And I'm getting better at keeping the work stuff orgnised.