Congratulations on your graduation!
Dude; you write alot older than 18! That was really articulate!
Anyway; I can relate. Thinking back to high school; (32 years ago; when mini skirts were popular) Almost EVERY girl was attractive! So it was really hard for me to talk to any girl. But the ones who were down to earth that were more like a "sister"; I could discuss meaningful things with better than I could talk to guys. But small talk was out of the question
The whole problem seemed to stem to the fact that I felt like a fish out of water all throughout high school. I think I got increasingly worse in my teens. Life was much more serious and harder to handle. In earlier grades I was popular and played sports; but in high school I hung out with the ............"not so popular" people. I remember going from having life wired and in the palm of my hand, to wondering how I was going to get through another day. Emotions started going wild. I think it all had to do with puberty. Looking back; I can see that it was the ADHD. Now i'm 50 and it was an online e-mail friend that got me to look into this dilemma. He saw traits in my writing that made him think I had it. You might want to take some of the online tests available to see if you should look into it further.
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum but I am not new to ADD. When I was seven, (am 34 now) I was diagnosed as hyperactive and even took part in a study on it. I was re-diagnosed a few years back as ADD and have been taking dexedrine for it, which seems to work. I've also been diagnosed as being clinically depressed, and I take lexapro for that. I've also been diagnosed as being bipolar II, but am not being treated for that at the moment.
To be blunt though, I'm not even certain I believe in any of these diagnoses-sometimes I wonder if this whole "mental illness" thing is nothing more than a way to sell us the snake oil of the 21st century and that 100 years from now brain research will show us how wrong we were. Regardless, I've gotten the most solace from focusing on specific symptoms (as all three things I have been diagnosed as have an incredible amount of symptom overlap) rather than specific diagnoses. And the meds seem to help quite a bit too, so I can't complain.
But now, even though I feel like I am doing fine in my everyday life, I am compeltely perplexed and boggled by dating. You see, I have a history of hasty and thoughtless decisions when it comes to dating. I've dated a woman who was beaten by her ex, a woman who was sexually abused by her grandfather, a woman who was raped, a woman who used to be an escort (she said she only dance topless as bachelor parties, but I wonder...), a woman who was more ADD-symptomatic than I could ever try to be, a woman who was emotionally abusive, and several other types of dysfuntional females that friends still
ask me things like, "What were you thinking?" and "What the hell did you see in her?" But to be fair, just because some of these women experienced
horrible situations doesn't necessarily mean that all women who have experienced the same said things aren't capable of developing into healthy adults-it's just that the ones I dated probably should have had some
form of therapy before I jumped into their lives.
I believe my problem (and most likely it is the same problem other ADD'ers have) is my ability to hyperfocus. Yeah, it's great to be able to hyperfocus and brainstorm at work and at play-I get a lot accomplished at work and I can have an incredible amount of fun in my free time. Yet hyperfocusing becomes a problem for me because the Deficiency in ADD actually becomes more of an inconsistency-I miss things because I'm too engrossed in other things.
Take that pattern and compare it to the incomplete list of my dating practices and I feel like I don't really trust myself. My past experience tells me that I have
focused on the women I was dating with a feirce intensity, a mighty hyperfocus. I see all their beauty, all their strengths, all their greatness and when I encounter something even remotely resembling a flaw or incompatibility, I discount it, I tell myself that it's no big deal, that it's nothing that's too difficult to handle or that can't be worked through. And then it usually bites me in the ass-either I get burned or I get bored and then it ends. And that's my fault for not doing my homework ahead of time.
So this boggles my mind. I feel like when one goes on a date with someone, you feel the need to express yourself and show yourself as well as see how the other person expresses and shows themselves to you. I have a fine history of expressing and showing myself and a poor history of listening and interpreting.
Even the very thought of having to do both of these things (expressing and listening, showing and interpreting) seems almost contradictory to me. Yeah, give and take seems a simple notion in the development of any relationship, but it feels so damn awkward sometimes, especially at the earliest stages of dating.
Yeah, I know that risk and disappointment are a part of life for everyone and that I should get used to it. I haven't seriously dated anyone in something like four years and although I have gone on a few dates in the last few years, it's just weird for me.
Every time I have dated previous to this, I have always felt so genuine, so full of zeal that I haven't seemed to have had much of a problem hooking up with the women I was trying to get with. Now I feel cautious and patient, I feel like I need to be careful and I need to pay attention. As a result, I have had many dates that led to nothing (I felt no "click" or "spark") and I'm beginning to feel like there really isn't anyone out there who has even the slightest compatibility with me.
Yeah, I know that a small sample isn't evidence of the larger whole and I have been telling myself this for a long time. I still get frustrated though, I still sometimes feel like I'll be single at seventy-see how I get ahead of myself? I've been working with a counselor on this, and like I said, the meds do help my train of thought and focus, so I guess it could be worse.
Overall, I haven't jumped into any relationships like I used to and I don't intend to do so either. Now I have actually been more of a listener, more of an observer when I have gone on dates. This helps me from making the same poor decisions I have made in the past, but again, it feels like in being careful, I'm also going to be single for a long time. Sure am glad I like my job and social life, heh.
But here are some questions I have for all of you: Do any of you feel or have felt anything like this? Does anyone feel like their ability to hyperfocus, hyperthink, hyperwhatever is at least part of what made you stand out? Has anyone else felt that the calming and focusing effect of ADD meds has taken away part of the spark that made you special? Has anyone else ever felt like their ADD has led them to make hasty and impulsive decisions in dating?
Any and all responses or sharing of similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Chester
Hi,
I have a lot of problems with hyperfocus. I've been married for 16 years so I can't speak to the dating issue, but it has been a problem in my marriage. If my husband and our relationship is the thing I'm currently hyperfocusing on, I overload my husband with too much attention and too many demands. If I then change my hyperfocus to work or hobbies, my husband becomes confused and feels I was insincere in my previous attention.
I'm finding as I get older, hyperfocusing and switching hyperfocus is becoming more exhausting and I'm spending more time simply unfocused. Perhaps this is what is happening to you with dating. However, I know from talking with single friends who are in their 30s that everyone has the tendency to become more cautious and conservative in their relationships as they age, so it might not have much to do with your ADD.
Do you expect people with ADD to sit there and read that HUGE thing? Haha JK. I haven't been diagnosed with ADD but I believe I probably have inattentive ADD. I'm 18 just graduated high school yesterday! My doctor has put me on strattera to see how that goes, so far it sucks.