Personal ??’s for those who are divorced | ADHD Information
BCGirl....
I think one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that I have absolutely no control over anything but myself...and even that is questionable.
I know it is hard to see your friend's marriage in trouble and not feel like there is something you can or should do. Certainly, if there is something you could do, you would do it. But your friend and her husband have minds of their own...and the heart is a mysterious thing; affection can wane when someone is not getting what they think they should be able to get from their loved one. The instability of her husbands employment might, in fact, be too much for your friend to tolerate. I agree 100% that marriage is a committment, and love should transcend life's difficulties. But you cannot know what his behavior means to your friend.
Do they like to read? If so, I might get them a book on ADD that includes a thorough section on ADD and relationships. And employment. Mark the pages you think are particularly relevant, and let them take a look. You might also give them some web references, if either of them are inclined to surf the 'net.
My marriage ended after less than 5 years...and I thought it was about the other woman, or the fact that we never talked enough for me....or that we had had a child. In fact, I now think that it might have been due to my ADD and the accompanying depression. My husband thought I could 'bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan', be suzy homemaker and Mother Goose all rolled into one. Oh, yeah...and some kind of fantasy lover too. At least that's what I felt. Too much for me to handle, and I finally gave up. The fantasy lover role went first...Suzy Homemaker went next.
People come to marriage with lots of expectations. Your friends are going to have to figure out what they need, versus what they want. It could be that divorce is the only way...you can try and help, but if they find their way to stay together, it will only be because they both want it.
She may be just plain fed up to here with his excuses and nothing you can say will change her mind.
Stop mentioning ADHD to her unless she brings it up. She doesn't believe in it. She doesn't really believe you have it or she would consider it as a possibility for her hubby.
Suggest that she try supplements. Tell her that in researching ADHD you found that some people have a deficiency of something that can cause many of his problems and mimic ADHD.
By giving him the supplements, they can address the issue without admitting he may be ADHD. I wouldn't tell her that but its a sneaky way of getting them to at least try something.
If she doesn't go for it, suggest it to him. If neither one is willing to consider it, they have their minds made up and are just looking for someone to affirm them.
They are adults and are going to make up their own minds. I wish I could offer you something concrete but that's it. I hope you can make them reconsider and at least try supplements.
My 2 divorces were a result of my ADD, however indirectly related. I got bored. They sure did put up with a lot from me though. The first husband complained about my behavior a lot. The 2nd one I think may have had ADD but its uncertain.seems to me she's part of the problem if she doesn't believe in ADHD. Being diagnosed has changed my life. [QUOTE=bcgirl1978] [QUOTE=Davidornado] [QUOTE=bcgirl1978]She retaliated with "it would be different if the poorer part wasn't his own fault". Ahhh, she's one of those "For Health and For Wealth" typos.People DO get divorced too quickly in this day and age. Some people are definately much better off apart, but sometimes couples just don't take the time to exhaust all the avenues first. Like, in this case, the husband could try to get treatment/coaching for his time management problems. If you love someone (and she says she does love him), then you owe it to them to try everything.
[/QUOTE]Hey, I give up. 8 years is too much. No sex for 2 years is 2 much. We are exhausted. Why am I still here? B/c nothing is impossible with GOD...
� [/QUOTE]I say get out David. Your not doing yourself, your wife, or even your kids, any favours by staying. "Staying together for the kids" is the worst thing a couple can say when they really would be better off apart. My parents fought like cats and dogs - all the time - the tension in our house was unbearable. When they separated, I was happy. I was also about 7 years old. Seven years old and happy that my parents were splitting. Four years later they got back together - and all the fighting and tension came back full force. Finally, years later, after I'd moved out on my own, they told us they were getting a divorce. My response? "It's about time". Some people just really don't belong together. My own BF is divorced. He turned out alright. His ex-wife's loss was my gain. Haha.
Now... if that was intrusive and disrespectful, then I wholeheartedly apologize.
[/QUOTE]No,
not at all. I appreciate the thoughtful input. I don't work with people
(plants), so have really appreciated this support group, and though I
can't read all posts, so many are so helpful. Makes me miss people... :)You know, it's just the one kid left, now. My son's 18, my daughter's almost 16, and doesn't spend much time with me, nor wants to; but my 9 year old is the one that misses me the most (I travel weekly, and she always is glued to me when I'm home, which I love). So it's for her, and for me, that I stick around. And hoping that a miracle may occur...
 1) I don't think he needs much convincing. Print some of these posts and he'll catch on quick.
2( I think she's the problem. She needs an education. Put her in here and let her read some of these testimonies.
3) I think if she thinks there's no hope, he better get out now. I've suffered for 8 years with a wife who won't even let me in our bedroom 'cuz she says I wont' change. She's using sex to try to change me. I won't leave her cuz' of a vow I made, but I can't stand it much longer. I should have left 8 years ago.
Leave now while you've still got a chance. If she's thinking this way now, It's too late. She will not change her mind. Poor guy.
He should start over, but get medicated first. Once a spouse thinks you're messed up, you can't change that.
My wife's vows were something like for better and for better, for richer and for richer; for health and for wealth.
Once I was dx'd, she said I told you so...you are sick... Then, when I went bankrupt, she said I wasn't taking care of her. For the past 3 years I've been earning over 0,000.00, and she still is not satisfied. It's not about the money.
I've held 20 or so jobs in my career (not minimum wage, tho), and gotten fired 14 times at least. I've learned to chill a/b it, and realize that every three years or so I make a career move. What's wrong with that? I always end up making more money anyway. Should have moved on my own.
If it werent' for the kids (heard that one before?) I'd leave. But I can't, cuz' I don't believe in myself (I'm insecure, she says), and doubt I can find anyone to live with. This is not living. This is not what God intended for a marriage.
I put a bed in the garage and live there. She's kicked me out 6 times, for a total of over 18 months. She blamed me for 9/11, cuz' she'd kicked me out, and I wasn't around to help the emotional crap. I haven't had sex in two years. Can you believe that? You know, I AM crazy for letting her do that.
Sorry, but this is all true. She sounds so much like my wife, I want to yell at her, too. Poor guy. He better split now, and get on with life with a better wife.
And I'm a Christian, too, that doesn't believe in divorce. But what I've been suffering for 8 years is living death. Death of a relationship. The lesser of two evils. Which will it be? Divorce, or die?
DaneDame, thanks for the post. I have been reluctant to post, and not sure why. Probably because everything is new and somewhat uncomfortable. I have been recently diagnosed with ADHD (3 months) and also started taking some meds (1 month). My real issue, however, has been how I have treated my family. Specifically my wife. I have been emotionally disconnected, verbally abusive, irritable, way over-focused, and have a highly erratic impulse control. When I was diagnosed I thought - problem solved, now I have a reason for all of the questionable behavior. WRONG. Then I tried too hard to fix things, became overfocused on making up to her, and crossed some boundry issues with my over crowding, poor impulse control, and ability to focus (dwell) on the negative.
I now am on Adderal XR (upped to 40 mg per day) and feel and react completely different. I am much more calm, not dwelling on negative issues, and have really backed off of the whole "fix it now" routine. My question is how go I now try to repair past issues without crowding and overwhelming my family, and specifically, my wife. I think of me like a hailstorm and my wife as a turtle taking shelter. The post with the "10 things" is something I really related to, but will she.
Looking for feedback.
bcgirl. I'm glad to hear that some progress has occured. However, I focused more on your last sentence. You've done what you could--probably more than you should have--unless you were asked. From what you said, it didn't sound like it.
It sounds like you may want to step back and take what you've learned from your friend's situation and apply it to your own life. Thank your SO for having the understanding, patience, and confidence in you that your friend doesn't seem to have for her husband. Start doing the things you think would help him that also apply to you. Sure you get the picture. And then just hold a positive intention that your friend's situation works out the best for both of them. Interferring when not asked for help or advise is, IMHO, intrusive and disrespectful. You can drop little seeds here and there but your friends needs to make the choice to plant and nurture them.
Now, I just hope that in relating your friend's story, you WERE asking for feedback. Otherwise, my advice to you is intrusive and disrespectful. I hope I've assumed correctly that you were requesting input. If not, I apologize.
sachetm38581.9659837963 [QUOTE=DaneDame] 20 More Things
Adults with AD/HD
Would Like Their Partners to Know
WWW.ABOUT.COM
Submitted by members.
1. There is no correlation between ADHD and intelligence!
QUOTE]
I believe there is evidence out that suggests a correlation between ADHD and those that have a higher IQ.
I actually pulled this list last October after I got diagnosed & wanted my husband to "understand me" - wow has it been that long.... so yes, I totally agree with you. There is new research on the relationship between AD/HD and intelligence. I modify or take that one off the list.
Look how progressive the study of ADD is.
For so long many people thought ADD'rrrs were not intelligent - becasue we read slow, blah blah blah.
Boy didn't they get that one wrong....
[QUOTE=Davidornado] [QUOTE=bcgirl1978]She retaliated with "it would be different if the poorer part wasn't his own fault". Ahhh, she's one of those "For Health and For Wealth" typos.
People DO get divorced too quickly in this day and age. Some people are definately much better off apart, but sometimes couples just don't take the time to exhaust all the avenues first. Like, in this case, the husband could try to get treatment/coaching for his time management problems. If you love someone (and she says she does love him), then you owe it to them to try everything.
[/QUOTE]
Hey, I give up. 8 years is too much. No sex for 2 years is 2 much. We are exhausted. Why am I still here? B/c nothing is impossible with GOD...
 [/QUOTE]
I say get out David. Your not doing yourself, your wife, or even your kids, any favours by staying. "Staying together for the kids" is the worst thing a couple can say when they really would be better off apart. My parents fought like cats and dogs - all the time - the tension in our house was unbearable. When they separated, I was happy. I was also about 7 years old. Seven years old and happy that my parents were splitting. Four years later they got back together - and all the fighting and tension came back full force. Finally, years later, after I'd moved out on my own, they told us they were getting a divorce. My response? "It's about time". Some people just really don't belong together. My own BF is divorced. He turned out alright. His ex-wife's loss was my gain. Haha.
Now... if that was intrusive and disrespectful, then I wholeheartedly apologize.
Sachetm, I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean... I wasn't looking for advise to apply to myself and my SO, if that's what you meant. LOL. I thank my SO several times a week for putting up with my ADD quirks. He makes my lunch every morning, and has for at least a year now. This is his own doing - I never once asked him to do it for me. Anyway, I told him out of the blue last night how much that means to me - and he was actually surprised. "What's the big deal?" he said, "it's just a sandwich". I laughed and said it means the world to me that I've been saved from having to remember to make myself a lunch every night before I go to bed. He dismissed it and looked at me like I was being extremely silly for being so thankful for a simple sandwich.
Anyway, I'm trying to keep out of my friend's affairs now. She asked my opinion and I gave it - and then we had a very, very long discussion about that opinion. Several times. I wasn't trying to be intrusive or disrespectful, she wanted to know what I thought. I happen to think the guy has ADD, so that's what I said. It's not going to save their marriage - far from it. As of last night she is back to 150% postively wanting a divorce. Absolutely nothing I say or do is going to change her mind, and absolutely nothing her husband says or does is going to change her mind. SHE has to change her own mind, plain and simple.
I am angry with her though. I've known her since we were 12 years old, and I love her dearly, but I thought she had a little more sense than to call a marriage quits over something like this. I dunno. She says she still loves him, but I have a hard time believing that. If you love someone, you love them completely or not at all. And completely includes the faults.
At this point, I think it would be better for them to be apart. That poor guy deserves better than to live knowing his wife is just waiting for him to lose another job. Who needs to live like that? It's horrible enough to feel bad about screwing up, but it's infinitely worse when the person who claims to love you - who should encourage you to try again, and be there for you while you work on the things you did wrong - instead calls you a hopeless failure. That's not love.
dane love the post above, it's nice someone can put how i feel into words.
BC,
I suggest you listen to Joyous. As well-intentioned as you are there is no good ending to shifting others problems onto your shoulders. 1, only your friend can know if and when it is time to leave. 2, you've done all that you could by sharing the information that you have.
It's very very difficult to see those you care about suffer, particularly when you feel you know how to end their suffering. But they have to live their own lives, and so do you. Be the best supportive and understanding friend that you can be, but don't take ownership for others suffering and/or decision making. That's some solid experience talking!
We all deserve better, don't we? Alas, the only one we can count on is us.....and whoever wrote the grand plan..... [QUOTE=Joyous56]We all deserve better, don't we? Alas, the only one we can count on is us.....and whoever wrote the grand plan.....[/QUOTE]Yes, we do. But I do not want to end up with me, either...Thanks for all the replies everyone. I appreciate it.
The good news - her husband actually listened to what I had to say and has made an appointment with his doctor. He took an online quiz and scored off the chart for ADD. I am strongly resisting the urge to do a "I told you so" dance (although of course I understand an online quiz is far from a diagosis). LOL. More good news - his wife is starting now to understand ADD better, and is finally now beginning to see how I have ADD, and is seeing how ADD could easily explain her husband's behaviour. She was really stuck on the hyperactive, poorly-behaved child stereotype, and is finally breaking away from that.
The bad news - she still believes her husband will never change, has insisted that he's received time management coaching in the past (from high school counsellors) to no avail, and still fully believes he will be fired again from his next job "no matter what label he's given". *sigh* I gently told her that ADD is not "a label", just like "alcoholic" should not be considered a label. She took the alcoholic reference and used it to her advantage, and said "okay, but just because you say someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean they will stop drinking". No, I said, but determining alcoholism is the first step to treating the problem. That shut her up for second, and actually made her think.
I think some progress has been made, at any rate. Their marriage is far from saved yet, but we'll have to wait and see what happens. I've done all I can, and maybe a little more. Now I need to step out and let them handle it!
bcgirl197838580.3964467593
i completely agree with david. bcgirl you seem to know what your talking about and have experience. educate them. you should seriously invite them to this forum and they can see that there's a whole other world out there.
I think to prevent divorces premarital counseling should occur for all. Most things I see in relationships is the love is lost cause the romance is gone. Another thing no time for spouses to have alone times. Harder for women to have alone times. We need this as part of life. Money troubles. Lastly, 1 spouse says what you want to here and then when the wedding is over it doesn't happen this way. No I am not a psychologist just who grew up around one. i think the world would be a better and different place if premarital counseling HAD to occur before marriage. I think pre-marital counselling can be helpful, but I don't believe it can save a marriage if it is meant to be doomed. Most churches these days require a couple to go through pre-marital courses before they can be married in that church (I'm not sure if this is a new thing or not). A friend of mine was having a hell of a time finding a church to get married in because her fiance lives across the country, and the churches all wanted them to do a several-week course - kinda difficult when one person is over 2000 miles away.This particular couple DID do a pre-marital course, and they've also done ongoing marriage counselling through their church. They are both very religious people, and my friend used to say up and down that she didn't believe in divorce. She also later admitted that no one plans on getting divorced though. She said she can't live her life wondering when she is going to lose the roof over her head. I said you can't pick and choose which vows to take seriously, and reminded her that she promised to love him for richer or for poorer. She retaliated with "it would be different if the poorer part wasn't his own fault".
People DO get divorced too quickly in this day and age. Some people are definately much better off apart, but sometimes couples just don't take the time to exhaust all the avenues first. Like, in this case, the husband could try to get treatment/coaching for his time management problems. If you love someone (and she says she does love him), then you owe it to them to try everything.
Speaking of picking and choosing which part of the vows to take seriously, that "until death do you part" section has to be updated.
Maybe it should go somehting like "do you promise to do all in your power to maintain this relationship, and seek aid if you feel you need it, and exhaust all possible avenues before calling it quits?"
Doesn't sound as romantic, but it might work a little better to get the point across these days. "Until death do you part" sounds like such an impossible promise to people who seriously have doubts later in the marriage, but the second one might actually make people think.
BCgirl, The end is near for "til death us do part" anyway. Hehehe! I just "love" ur
alternative. It is so more real, in the world marriage exists in at present. As to the woman u talk about, her husband would be healthier without her. It sounds like this woman has become confused as to wheather she is a mature person or just a Spoilt little girl, having an increasing number of what i term Hissey Fits.
I wish I'd met some of you first sometimes. I mean, I loved my wife for a loooonggg time, but man, there comes a time when the club hurts, and how many times do you need to bleed before your bones are broken? That didn't come out right. I can't say I love her anymore, and I'm the AD/HD one (I think she's mildly ADD), but I stick around cuz of the kids, the fear of being alone, and let's face it, I've gotten used to the abuse. Can you believe that! Me, a 220 lb warrior, letting a little itty bitty witty kitty stomp all over me? And letting her do it again, and again, and again? Maybe she's right, I'm insecure... I feel the need to bleed...
Well, should an AD/HDr marry another one? Or look for a nonAD/HD? It seems that no matter how strong the initial love, or the strength of the attraction, in the end the misunderstandings kill the marriage. AD/HDrs attract one another like magnets, b/c they are the only ones who can understand oneanother (look how we write, yet we understand before the word is done or the sentence is spoken), or keep up with one another...
Is there anyone out there that's happily married, the first time, and has been for 20 years or more, and has AD/HD, or their spouse does, or they both do? I think my grandparents may have, but I was pretty young 5 & 10 when they died.
Well, thanks. I'm going to go have an ADHD Event now, and eat some icecream. Chocolate. Yummm!
[QUOTE=bcgirl1978]She retaliated with "it would be different if the poorer part wasn't his own fault". Ahhh, she's one of those "For Health and For Wealth" typos.
People DO get divorced too quickly in this day and age. Some people are definately much better off apart, but sometimes couples just don't take the time to exhaust all the avenues first. Like, in this case, the husband could try to get treatment/coaching for his time management problems. If you love someone (and she says she does love him), then you owe it to them to try everything.
[/QUOTE]
Hey, I give up. 8 years is too much. No sex for 2 years is 2 much. We are exhausted. Why am I still here? B/c nothing is impossible with GOD...
 [QUOTE=daniel's mom]I think to prevent divorces premarital counseling should occur for all. Most things I see in relationships is the love is lost cause the romance is gone. Another thing no time for spouses to have alone times. Harder for women to have alone times. We need this as part of life. Money troubles. Lastly, 1 spouse says what you want to here and then when the wedding is over it doesn't happen this way. No I am not a psychologist just who grew up around one. [/QUOTE]We had premarital counseling 25 years ago, and it was a multiweek course. I think we need premarital and during marital counseling, which we did, of course, have. Like at least 12 different types, from pastors, to Youth for Christ, to Youth With A Mission, to family counselors, to ADHD counselors, to phsrynques, and psychos* (psychologists at Kaiser Permanente)... All the good advice is just that, good advice, if it is not implemented.
I gave up on saving my marriage. I know I did everything I could to make it work, even when I learned during our separation that I was "off the chart" with ADHD, and that had everything to do with his departure. I would like to believe that your both of them [your friends] will want to know they gave it their very best efforts since they love eachother so much. But sometimes it is too late - the non-ADD spouse has had enough. But they wont want to reflect someday and say to themselves ..."gosh I let my ego get in the way of that..."
My ex. did not put forth any effort, even after my diagnosis - by then he was so guilt ridden and messed up from his affair [with whom he still cannot let go of] and how he was reactive rather than proactive - it has paralized him. He has to live with that now. I am finding my way into my new life with the ADHD by my side, and I am a better person for it.
But I fully accept it - your friend does not. But he should realize there is absolutely no shame in it. It can be a great gift of mind if he will let it. If he knows what great leaders have had it, and that it is something positive not negative. He is probably bored with his work - and needs something way more stimulating. Needs to be challenged in a good way. I notice that many people who resist testing seem to have a socialization that does not favor such a disorder...if there is a way around that - a key to unlock that barrier, perhaps he will open himself to testing, and eventually meds and BMT.
I don't know if I would have the patience to be married to another ADHD'rrr. I mean I get annoyed with "me" let alone spending my life with another one of my kind.
I think someone without it who can be compassionate, understanding, knows how to work with the unique, superstar style that are inherent to ADD'rrrs would be my best medicine....balances the relationship; besides I dont think i want children that get a double dose of ADD. That could be brutal for everyone involved.
Here is the contract they'd have to sign first before they could begin negotiations for a fabulous ADHDrrr like me [got this list from ABOUT.COM]:
10 Things
Adults With AD/HD
Would Like Their Partners To Know
1) I am a person, I have feelings, the capacity to give and receive love, and I yearn for compassion, understanding and caring in my life, just as you do. My thinking process and my learning style may be different, but that does not change my emotional needs.
2) Remember to find joy in my uniqueness.
3) Never assume that a careless word was intentional until you talk it over with me.
4) Take the time to learn as much as you can about ADD. Learning about it validates me.
5) Acknowledge my positive attributes and strengths and don't dwell on my faults and shortcomings.
6) I have ADD, I cannot get over it or get rid of it. I can, however, learn to manage symptoms of it. Some days I will be better at this than others.
7) I do not use ADD as an excuse.
8) ADD can cause me to be distracted. If you have something important to discuss, please save it for a time when distractions are at a minimum. Sit down with me, turn off the TV, make sure the kids are in bed.
9) Affirm that I am loveable and you love me in spite of my faults.
10) Because I have ADD, don't conclude that all relationship problems are my fault. Acknowledge your responsibilities for relationship difficulties and take corrective action, treating me like an equal partner shows you respect me as a person.
This list has been compiled from a number of sources, including: a friend with ADD (whose husband carries a similar list in his wallet as a reminder), her adult support group, and interviews from a number of Adults, and a few of the recent questionnaires received.
20 More Things
Adults with AD/HD
Would Like Their Partners to Know
WWW.ABOUT.COM
Submitted by members.
1. There is no correlation between ADHD and intelligence!
2. I am not selfish or lazy.
3. I may have to take notes, and if I write something that's irrelevant to the discussion, it's because I want to get it out of my brain so it doesn't distract me from what you're saying.
4. I'm not deliberately misunderstanding you. I do tend to latch on to a picture of what you're saying, and it can be wrong. If I ask interminable questions, it's because I want to be sure I get what you're saying. It's a sign of respect for you.
5. If I'm out of order, just tell me that. I get conclusions mixed in with facts easily, and with a little patience, we can work out what needs to come first, middle, and last.
6. I want my partner to allow me to win (Don't focus on what I did not get done or what I did incorrectly, look for what I have completed and accomplished and ignore the rest.)
7. Have the patience to allow me to learn what they are trying to teach.
8. You are one of the people who sustain me, and quirks or no quirks. I have every intention of meeting your needs.
9. I try. Even if it looks like I'm not. I am also as tired of failures (maybe more) than you are. Just remember I try.
10. I am frustrated with my abhorrent short term memory.
11. I prefer to refer to ADD as "Multi Focal Cognition" a term that better describes my drifting thoughts and tangential conversations.
12. The answer to the question: "Why can't you just get your act together and do things like normal people?" is: "Normal is a selection on a washing machine, imagine how boring we'd all be if we were all normal."
13. ADD is not something that gets "cured," but that gets treated and something that one lives with every day.
14. I will probably always forget thing, lose things, miss details and have difficulty paying attention. Some days will be better than others.
15. We think a little different, just as it is tough to understand how we think in your mind, so it is with us to understand how your mind "works". It doesn't make us stupid or uncaring, just different!
16. No two ADDers' symptoms and main problems are going to be exactly alike,
17. No one ADD'er is going to be exactly the same in magnitude of problems from day to day.
18. Never forget that we're in this "together", to support, teach and learn from one another, always remembering that we all have challenges to conquer and we need to keep a positive attitude in meeting our challenges.
19. This is not anyone's fault, it just "is".
20. Accept me for who I am and relish my uniqueness.
10 Things My parents are divorced and I can't see how they married each other ever. They are both so different to the bad side. We spent most time with house keeper or Mom cause dad is a work freak. Guess what I married someone I tryed not to marry like. We are only really together on weekends. Ps: love the post above. daniel's mom38581.4861805556Good stuff! Thanks. You are welcome! Anything to help a fellow AD/HDrrr. I have a question for those of you who have had spouses or significant others leave due to problems resulting from your ADD. No, my BF is not thinking about leaving me; I'm asking this because a friend of mine is seriously considering leaving her husband. I would bet my first born child that her husband has ADD, but neither of them believes it (she has a hard enough time believing *I* have it).
They've been together for over 6 years. In those 6 years, he has been fired from about 5 jobs. He has no time management skills whatsoever. He can play a computer game for hours on end. He talks incessantly, suffers from chronic foot-in-mouthitis, and rubs a lot of people the wrong way. He is amazingly unorganized. He loses things constantly. He's also very artistic, and did finally succeed in getting a certificate in Graphic Design a few months ago, after having quit college at least twice before. Does any of this sound familiar?
Anyway, he came home from work about 6 hours early yesterday and gave his wife the all too familiar news that he'd been fired once again. She's had about enough. She insists that she loves the guy, but she doesn't want to spend her life supporting him, and doesn't want to have children with a man who can't even keep a minimum wage job.
I told her that he needs to get assessed. There are people who can help him, resources he can turn to. She dismissed that immediately and said "he's been to counselling, we've both done marriage counselling, none of it helps". I said counselling isn't going to do squat if the underlying problem (ADD) is not identified and dealt with. But she unfortunately has absolutely no faith in her husband whatsoever, she believes he will never change. She doesn't doubt that he will find another job, but she doesn't want to live on pins and needles waiting for him to get fired again. So here are my questions: 1. What can I do to get him off his butt and go get an evaluation for ADD? 2. What should SHE be doing to be more supportive of him? I mean, she took a vow when she married him to love him, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer. I think if you love someone, truly love them, then you don't jump ship when there are still other options available. bcgirl197838576.3697337963