My first post and maybe my last | ADHD Information

Hi.  I'll start off on my best behavior as people normally do when  they first meet....but as my "handle" implies, before long , I'll be as interesting and respected as that speck of lint in the corner as time goes by.   That's the brutal honesty of my existence, always has and I'm afraid, it always will...unless I can find a way to do something different, learn new social skills, get a grip on my brains impulsive acts.

I've always been the "weird one", I'm bright, attractive, educated, have a family, couple of houses, work is a little tenuous right now but I'm doing alright.   I'm seemily normal looking I guess but I get the squinty eye's and the sarastic comments and the brush-offs on a regular basis after people get to know me.  It's a wonder my wife hasn't done the same thing. 

If you're ADHD is like mine, I'm just a bad self-observer.  I must look like a clown to people with my hyperness, animated expressions and constant talking.  I seem to be out of control of my own body.  I haven't seen myself on camera but if I did, I would classify me as a wind-up doll always on the go, doing things fast and....well kind of like a Woody Allen kind of guy.  I can have this type of observation about myself now but when I'm "in-the-moment" talking or interacting with someone, my brain is on autopilot headed for a crash.

I've been to the psychiatrist, tried all kinds of meds who's side effects are not worth the "comfort" of normalcy.  I'm open to trying something, I just don't know what, more meds, maybe vitamins, herbs, diet, meditation, yoga,

HELP!  I'm rambling here because I need some serious feed back from anyone who can relate to this or just someone to give me some pointers of what they've done.  Yeah, I can completely relate. I do pretty much the
same things and get pretty much the same
reactions.
I have no sense of how I affect others, I guess. And I
don't really get answers, just disapproval.
It's funny, but I'm not lying...I've often described
myself as a female Woody Allen without the
sophistication.
I'm married too, and I also wonder why my husband
sticks around. I guess I'm funny sometimes.
I'm on meds and it helps....to an extent.
There are ways to manage the social problems, I'm
sure, but I'm trying to learn them myself.
Wish I had a better answer for you, but just know you
aren't the only one who deals with this. Probably
many others here relate, too. [QUOTE=thecrawl]Yeah, I can completely relate. I do pretty much the
same things and get pretty much the same
reactions.
I have no sense of how I affect others, I guess. And I
don't really get answers, just disapproval.
It's funny, but I'm not lying...I've often described
myself as a female Woody Allen without the
sophistication.
I'm married too, and I also wonder why my husband
sticks around. I guess I'm funny sometimes.
I'm on meds and it helps....to an extent.
There are ways to manage the social problems, I'm
sure, but I'm trying to learn them myself.
Wish I had a better answer for you, but just know you
aren't the only one who deals with this. Probably
many others here relate, too. [/QUOTE]

It's nice to know I'm not alone with my feelings of alienation.  I only wish there were a class I could take to show me how I look, what I say and how I react on a regular basis...like a reality tv camera following me around then later viewing it and pointing out where I go wrong....!  I would LOVE that.  How bout' you all?


[QUOTE=barb]

Chances are your wife is aware of what is going on and has an idea of what you are doing wrong. You could ask her but you would have to be determined that you will not react negatively towards her for telling you. I'm sure whe would be happy to help you if you are willing to change, and I mean really willing.

Why not ask your wife outright to monitor you in social situations and give you cues if your behavior is getting self destructive socially? Maybe when she sees you starting to put your foot in your mouth or take over a conversation or doing whatever she can give you a certain signal such as a look or touch.

 

[/QUOTE]

Good thought and it's actually something I've discussed before with her.  Most times she either forgets or we're separated for long periods at a party and it's not possible for her to do.   On the other hand, she'll do really unsupportive things like when we were at a childs birthday party the otherday, she failed to tell me that my sunglasses were completely crooked.  I hadn't realized that, at least until later that night when she informed me that "you can't wear these sunglasses anymore until you can get them straightened out".   So essentially, she left me hanging out there looking like a total idiot at the party...no wonder I kept getting strange looks from people.  I had no idea they wee crooked. 

Sometimes your spouse can be your best friend....and sometimes NOT!

Chances are your wife is aware of what is going on and has an idea of what you are doing wrong. You could ask her but you would have to be determined that you will not react negatively towards her for telling you. I'm sure whe would be happy to help you if you are willing to change, and I mean really willing.

Why not ask your wife outright to monitor you in social situations and give you cues if your behavior is getting self destructive socially? Maybe when she sees you starting to put your foot in your mouth or take over a conversation or doing whatever she can give you a certain signal such as a look or touch.

 

 FooF may be right by me ,theres a lot to be offered by "the gift" of having adhd if you have support. I am going thursday to the dr.to quit smoking(as my family is concerned)but going for depression/adhd testing .( Already diagnosed as dep.)

 I have an ability to find a lot of ?oxymorons? in the way people speak in everyday life,holding them to yourself usually(for me ) cracks me up and people just don"t understand the humor(BAD example:My computer went schaivo).life isn"always humerous or funny , you gotta deal with the pain as well as the pleasure or else you can"t really tell the difference. It makes the successes that more endearing to ones own accomplishments

You have a family and a couple of houses? Sounds like you're doing alright. I'm thinking that maybe you're being harder on yourself than is warranted. Try not to care so much about what other people think. You're mostly functional, many on this board are not nearly so. Maybe you aren't what you wanted to be, but that goal is impossible to achieve for anyone who strives. At some point a person must find contentment for who they are, and that point is arbitrary. That means you can choose to be content or not content.

Pride is the root of all suffering.

The  Book "Excuse me Your Life Is Waiting"  By Lynn Grabhorn ..... Has helped me to be more positive.  I have been on Anti'D Meds for almost 20 yr.....I'm off Anti'Ds right now, and after reading this book I'm more positive than I have been in years. [QUOTE=GlenW]

Welcome! 

You're doing right now what I always used to do - looking at the glass "half empty".  It's a pretty common thing to do with us.

You should be very thankful you found a spouse who values your personality traits rather than be driven off by them!  My SO was bipolar and totally not understanding of my mannerisms and energy.  She was embarassed by me and just could not find the patience that I needed from people.

If your meds you got were not working - might I suggest you MD shop?  Remember - it's like anything in life - consumer driven.  If you don't get satisfactory help - try another!  Also - maybe a psychiatrist in your area that's an expert with adult ADHD might be a good idea.  They might have a better plan than your present help.

Don't give up hope on yourself.  You have a good relationship from the sound of it - and that alone makes you a very lucky person in my books!

When one treatment fails - there are many others that you may not know about - and you should get a team behind you that does have that knowledge.

Good luck to you - and I hope the best in life for you and your family!

 

[/QUOTE]

But how did you get to that epiphany where you STOPPED looking at the glass as half empty?  I'm still looking for a long-term resolution.

what about an ADHD coach? We have a forum here that might help you get started. Also, there are courses like "Dale Carnagie" that help execs increase their charisma and people skills. Maybe something like that would help.

I know what you mean. I talk too much and usually end up putting my foot in my mouth or tell people way more than they want to know. Fortunately for the both of us, we have found people who love us.

Like Glen said, you can start by looking at your glass as 1/2 full. Don't worry so much about impressing people you don't know. Maybe they are worried about the impression they are making on you. Think of ways to try to put others at ease. You are already off to a good start since you make a great 1st impression. Encourage them to talk about themselves. (I know, easier said than done for people like us who like to talk! ) That tends to make people feel like they are important to you and they see you as more likeable.

You aren't sending us bad vibes by the way!

Welcome! 

You're doing right now what I always used to do - looking at the glass "half empty".  It's a pretty common thing to do with us.

You should be very thankful you found a spouse who values your personality traits rather than be driven off by them!  My SO was bipolar and totally not understanding of my mannerisms and energy.  She was embarassed by me and just could not find the patience that I needed from people.

If your meds you got were not working - might I suggest you MD shop?  Remember - it's like anything in life - consumer driven.  If you don't get satisfactory help - try another!  Also - maybe a psychiatrist in your area that's an expert with adult ADHD might be a good idea.  They might have a better plan than your present help.

Don't give up hope on yourself.  You have a good relationship from the sound of it - and that alone makes you a very lucky person in my books!

When one treatment fails - there are many others that you may not know about - and you should get a team behind you that does have that knowledge.

Good luck to you - and I hope the best in life for you and your family!

 

Are you even sure that you repel people at all? Lots of people probably find your animated expressions and excited chat endearing, not repellant. If some people don't like you, well, you can't please everybody.

You actually do sound like a wonderful person...funny and animated and enthusiastic.

It just might be that people are actually intimidated by you...or can't quite keep up with your amazing mind. It might be hard to imagine...but people might feel THEY are the one with the problem...not you!

As Barb said, try to think of ways to put others at ease. You might even try to poke fun at yourself...like with the oxymorons or when you realize you are very enthusiastic about something. Ask people about themselves...be kind...look for something you admire in people.

Occasionally I remember that not everyone is at ease and confident as I believe them to be. That we are all kind of stumbling through. When I try to be conscious of that, I do a much better job of getting out of my own way, forgetting my own discomfort, and thinking about what others need. I find they are much more tolerant of my stuff, if I can show some compassion to theirs.

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent]but it's really hard when you move into a new
neighborhood and you're the TOTAL oddball. 

  I think that's
when I loose people because they start giving my the squinty eyes look,
as if to say "okay....you're odd". 

[/QUOTE]

Interesting paradox. I don't see myself as a chatter box, but then again, I've never understood why others seem to find me "different."

Has anyone ever said you were odd? What is the basis for that assessment? You might feel you are acting oddly, but others may think you are....uh...normal!

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent] Say, do any of you go to local ADD meetings where you establish friendships of our "kind"?
[/QUOTE]

When I read your post, I thought it might be good if they had a 12-step program called ADD Anon. Then someone sent me a joke and I thought I'd share it with you:

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon"
         - Paula Poundstone

Don't be so hard on yourself! There really is someone out there who could use you for a friend, whether you believe it or not.

 

[QUOTE=Joyous56]

Don't be so hard on yourself! There really is someone out there who could use you for a friend, whether you believe it or not.

Your meds are working great Joyce! I loved your statement!

 

PeopleRep - I'm sorry that you feel left out like I do. If you've just moved there, you haven't met everyone that you are going to meet around there. There is still time to connect with someone that you enjoy their company.

I think most of you misunderstood what I meant when I said I "wanted to be like everyone else". I dont' want to BE them, I just want to have their sense of ease in conversations, instead of the uneasiness/anxiety that I feel. I want to be respected for who I am instead of feeling like people look right through me, or worse, talk over me when I'm talking like I'm not even there. I want to be comfortable saying what comes to mind in a conversation and know that it will be responded to, like there is some "meat"  to what I say and whoever I'm talking to is enjoying my company, instead of some whispy, nondescript words coming from an uncertain, fear-of-being-rejected person. I guess I want to be social without having to try so hard. Thats what I'm trying to say.

I appreciate being artistic, I've gotten to know people by painting in their homes or doing artwork for them. But its "surface" stuff. Like see them at the store, and its "Hey, how are you! What have you been up to?". And while they are talking, I'm wondering what I can say in return since I usually have just lost my llist I brought and I was trying to remember what I came for when I bumped into "whoever", or SOMETHING that I'm preoccupied with.  Its like I'm not "ready" for social interaction on the spur of the moment like that, me being wrapped up in my thoughts and all. Catches me off guard, and there is so much going on when I shop that I usually have a headache anyway!!!!!!

When we first moved here - to another state- to a town where we didn't know everyone, it was actually kind of a relief to go to the store and I knew I didn't know anyone. I had much less anxiety. And, I wasn't expected to have friends, I didn't know anyone! And I had my family to come visit........but there is a rift there now and I haven't seen them for 2 yrs. over some serious problems. So I've gotten lonely. I don't want to have people calling and coming over all the time..........family coming once a weekend every few months gave me time to do things and not worry about entertaining all the time. And then, there is the fact that I get uneasy feelings around some people and feel like I shouldn't trust them, something isn't right. I feel it in my gut. And some people, they are so warm and you can just feel that you are safe with them, and its such a release to talk comfortably and be "heard", some people just make you feel good. Unfortuneately, I haven't met any like that in a WHILE! And when my kids ask "Mom, who is your best friend?" or "Mom, why dont' you go do something with your friends?, its kind of hard to answer. And I want them to think I"m "o.k.".........I

Well, if anyone read this, and you have some step by step advice on how to be - or seem - self assured and relaxed in social situations, let me know. I'm taking wellbutrin XL 300 mg, it doesn't seem to be helping much. I still feel a sense of sadness all the time and that "knot" in my stomach and I always wonder why its there...........

I thought maybe there were more ADDer's that may feel this way, or similar. Had hoped maybe someone had "broke through" to the other side and knew the "secret". Which, when I was a teen, I always told myself that by the time I was 30, I would know. That was grown up, so of course I would know.............! 

 

Thanks Russ. 

I appreiciate what you're saying about it being okay to not be friends with the normys but it's really hard when you move into a new neighborhood and you're the TOTAL oddball. 

Also, there is a big difference between you and I.  I'm a chatterbox, and would discribe myself and as on the border of introvert and extrovert...just depends on my mood at the time.  when I start talking with people I just go on and on and on.  I think that's when I loose people because they start giving my the squinty eyes look, as if to say "okay....you're odd". 

Sorry, now my posts are just not going anywhere...such as my life.  I just keep talking in circles and seeing the negative side and...I suppose get in the "victim" role and get the view of "there's no way out". 

I get a high from people that enjoy my energy, I just can't seem to find them in real life.  Say, do any of you go to local ADD meetings where you establish friendships of our "kind"?


[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent]

As far as making friends go, I too can't get past the aquantence
phase.     In fact I've alienated myself from
just about every friendship I've ever had growning up, starting from
grade school all the way to college. 

How does a grown man with ADHD and BPII make friends with a "normy"?  I just don't see how it's possible. 

My wife doesn't see why it's so hard for me and puts pressure on me to
make friends, of which I still have none. 

[/QUOTE]

I hope you like the book, it is well worth it...well, at least for me. Don't beat yourself up with the "I've alienated myself" stuff. If you are like me, you will I hope, realize that it is not you alienating yourself, it's just others don't align with your more narrow interests, and this is OKAY.

Making friends with a "normy" may not be possible, but again, that's okay. My core group of friends (9 in my adult life) are pretty much like me. They are introverts and intelligent and don't enjoy the "chit chat" so common with "normies."

Honestly, as I've matured, I've realized that being friends with someone that only wants to talk about sports or lawncare is not something I want. And this is not snobbish, just where I've come in my life. On the flip side, if they don't like me cause I talk about stuff more indepth, well, seems they're the losers.

Regarding your wife, story for you. This is when I started to finally understand this business of being introverted. Spent a Thanksgiving weekend at my wife's parents in the late 1980s. Lots of family. After the weekend my wife said, "Why are you such as snob, my relatives said you didn't say a word to them!!" First I told my wife I wasn't snobbish, I just didn't have anything to say. Second, I said, "But what's funny, they didn't say anything to ME!!!" She was speechless. I don't think she understood what I was saying and we divorced within a couple years.

Check this article out....

http://www.learningplaceonline.com/relationships/friends/car ing-introvert.htm

Maybe it will help your wife understand you a bit more.

RussSo Russ, when you're at a group function what do you do when everyone is grouped up enjoying conversation and you have nothing to do?  I find myself in that situation pretty much all the time and I feel like a complete outsider/dork/wallflower and the longer I stand there all by myself the less people want to approach or talk with me because it obvious to the rest of the group that I'm "different". 

How do you handle that?

I'm ordering "when I say no" today by the way. 


[QUOTE=basketcase]

I dont' want to BE them, I just want to have their sense of ease in conversations, instead of the uneasiness/anxiety that I feel. I want to be respected for who I am instead of feeling like people look right through me, or worse, talk over me when I'm talking like I'm not even there.

that I get uneasy feelings around some people and feel like I shouldn't trust them, something isn't right. I feel it in my gut.

Well, if anyone read this, and you have some step by step advice on how to be - or seem - self assured and relaxed in social situations, let me know.

 

[/QUOTE]

What I note here basketcase, is that much of what you are concerned with seems internal. The first sentence notes you want to have "their sense of ease in conversations, instead of the uneasiness/anxiety that I feel." Do you know they have a sense of ease? They may be terribly uncomfortable (not due to you! ) but just look at ease, which reflects on your internal talk.

I've mentioned before on this and other threads, what was a huge help for me was learning the process of communication. It allowed me to understand the process, how it worked, how to use it, and then I was able to understand sooooooo much more about how people do or do not communicate effectively. Once I understood the process, I became much more at ease at group functions, etc., because I no longer had this "feeling"--maybe like you--that I HAD to be immersed in any discussion or I would be considered an outsider.

Today, I can go to most any group grope (my wife drags me) and feel fine knowing I no longer need to be a part of a conversation and am at ease knowing if something comes up I enjoy discussing, I'll then decide to engage or not.

Perhaps the word to use is that by understanding the communication process, I became much more "secure."

Check that book out--When I Say No I Feel Guilty," it might be a huge initial first step for you. The first chapter on "Assertive Rights" may be a God send for you. Good luck.

Russ38582.3648148148

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent]

when we were at a childs birthday party the otherday, she failed to tell me that my sunglasses were completely crooked.  I hadn't realized that, at least until later that night when she informed me that "you can't wear these sunglasses anymore until you can get them straightened out".   So essentially, she left me hanging out there looking like a total idiot at the party...no wonder I kept getting strange looks from people.  I had no idea they wee crooked. 

PeopleRepellent, your my kind of guy.  I don't mean to....belittle you or your feelings, but................OMG that was soooo funny!!

You're just hanging around the wrong people who don't apreciate you.  How boring if everyone was the same!  All of my friends are like you and they are the funest people!  But what they have that you may not is that they don't care what anybody elst thinks.  They accept themselves. 

You're great, and if you were my husband, I wouldn't want you to change!

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent] So Russ, when you're at a group function what do you do when everyone
is grouped up enjoying conversation and you have nothing to do?  I
find myself in that situation pretty much all the time and I feel like
a complete outsider/dork/wallflower and the longer I stand there all by
myself the less people want to approach or talk with me because it
obvious to the rest of the group that I'm "different". 

How do you handle that?

I'm ordering "when I say no" today by the way. 

[/QUOTE]

Perhaps the best response is that I don't handle it because it no longer bothers me. It matters little to me if I'm perceived "different." I simply attend these group gropes with my wife, talk if the opportunity arises, and if it doesn't, I'm comfortable simply sitting there!!

If someone thinks poorly of me, so what?

The other thing I do at these gatherings is to "listen" when necessary. As mentioned, the ability to listen to someone is a gift greater than people will ever understand. People LOVE talking about themselves. If you become the ear for them and use communications techniques, you'll be thought of as the greatest human on the planet.

Being popular is not my goal. But I've become "loved" by many of my wife's friends simply because I listen to them and rarely if ever interject any opinions or any of my own stuff. It takes practice, but it is worth the effort. As an aside, by only listening, I learn.

BTW, this is not a cure-all. Sometimes I still feel like the odd-man-out. But the point is that the days of "shear terror" in social gatherings is long gone.

Wow!  First of all - Russ - thanks for the suggestion on the book, I'll give that a try

Second - Basketcase - you brought tears to my eyes with that because you put into words EXCACTLY what I go through all the time!  It's sooooo frustrating!  We are in the same boat as I'm sure there may be many more reading that share the same frustrations. 

As far as making friends go, I too can't get past the aquantence phase.  My wife, kids and I just moved into a new neighborhood.  My wife is very social and has made literally dozens on new friends.  Me, zero!  I tell her it's much easier for woman to make friends than men, which I frankly believe is VERY true, however, I'm NOT at all like all the other men in my neighborhood.  I'm not macho, I'm more of a Mr. Mom enjoying the domestic chores that are normally done by a woman (cooking, cleaning that kind of thing).   In fact I've alienated myself from just about every friendship I've ever had growning up, starting from grade school all the way to college. 

How does a grown man with ADHD and BPII make friends with a "normy"?  I just don't see how it's possible. 

My wife doesn't see why it's so hard for me and puts pressure on me to make friends, of which I still have none.  If I were to have my way, I would just be a homebody all day and rarely see ANYONE but my family because whenever I do see someone, I get looks of disappointment, looks of "he's odd" and feelings of repullsion. 



[QUOTE=basketcase]

I just don't understand why its so hard for me to have friends. But inside I hurt, and didn't know WHY I couldn't be like everyone else[/QUOTE]

Only my experience and opinion, but I've found that I don't need to be like everyone else, I'm okay just like I am. And to me, it's not "hard" to have friends, it's just I'm not interested in having all those friends that society says we should have.

I have a very small core of very close friends and that's fine by me. Small number of friends does not equal bad person. Some extroverts might want to inflict their belief on you about the need for hundreds of friends, but it is not wrong for YOU.

This idea about learning communication techniques was a God-send for me. I recommend to anyone to learn and practice the techniques. Your self esteem will probably improve dramatically AND you may finally realize all those "wonderful" people out there are in reality no better than you.

I used to hate going to parties. Today, while I'm not thrilled about it, I'm comfortable sitting quietly while the extroverts talk about themselves. Dovetailing, people love talking about themselves. If you can learn to "listen" comfortably to people without feeling a need to talk, you'll be the center of attention (even if you don't want it).

I've posted this before. My wife is amazed at how I appear at times to be the center of attention at parties..."You're no introvert!!!!!!" What she realized was that I didn't converse, I simply listened to people tell me all about themselves. In turn, they loved me cause I only listened, which is a rare quality in itself.

Good luck.

Russ38581.4979398148Yes perhaps I will change my name, it's rather negative and I knew that starting out but it seemed to hit the nail-on-the-head as far as my main issue.  I'll give it some thought and change it soon.

I still need some type of social training of sorts, if that's possible, don't know quite how I'm going to do that. 

I'm not on any meds (as if you couldn't tell :) ) and haven't been for quite some time now.  I have taken a little ativan that my doc perscribed a while ago on occation to quell the occational anxiety but that makes me a bit sleepy.  Also, I've heard that vit. B6 and Lysin (sp) is also good for helping with the neurotransmiters.  I'm taking one of those a day now to try and help with the depression and overall negative outlook.  A couple of years ago I took B6 on a regular basis and it did seem to help with the downers but then I heard a health report saying that B6 causes cancer or something so I stopped.  But here I am again trying it again until something else happens...it's a terrible cycle and I know it but I can't seem to control it. 

I have a real problem with all the side-effects that the "real" meds produce in me.  If anyone has any more "natural" solutions, I'm all ears. 

Wordwoman, yes I agree, most people are preoccupied with their own stuff, I try to keep that in mind but it's the reactions or lack thereof with people when they relate to me that seems to be such a slap-in-the-face to me, as if to say, 'you're really odd, leave me alone, what's your problem'.  I just feel like such an outsider, oddball trying to make it in the "real" world. 


PeopleRepellent,

I'm in my 50s, have had a life of trying to figure out why I was "different," and why people seemed to relate to me differently than others. Self esteem problems were an issue. But about 15 years ago I started learning about communication techniques. Many books out there, college classes, seminars, etc.

I'm still not Mr. Center of attention and in fact, I'm still not much for being around people except those that are close friends or family. But now with my communication interest and understanding the framework of proper communication, life is MUCH easier and I'm much, much more secure now.

One negative side effect about learning communication techniques (at least for me): You'll learn just how horribly most people are at communicating. But the POSITIVE side of this is you will also realize you probably weren't any worse in communication than anyone else!!

Great book: "When I say No, I feel Guilty." It's one of my bibles of communication.

Good luck

I'm new here, but I thought I'd put my 2 cents in since this is the topic that sent me to the computer in the first place.

I just don't understand why its so hard for me to have friends. I'm 40, a mom --- I"m a stay at home mom, but I paint furniture and portraits while I'm at home to make a little extra money. I had friends in high school, but mainly because I was "funny" and made everyone laugh. They didn't respect me, I knew that. But the alternative was to have no one. Everyone always called me "dense" and an airhead. And I just laughed along with them. But inside I hurt, and didn't know WHY I couldn't be like everyone else.

I feel like I don't understand other people, I try too. I feel like I'm so "me", no matter where I go or what I do..........I can't seem to "put on a new face" anywhere and pretend I'm confident and normal. But I feel like other people are hidden behind the face they show everyone, like their insides and their feelings and thoughts aren't out there for everyone to see. I feel like I"m naked emotionally, and it scares me. I actually have a fear of people because they'll talk to me and I wont' have something interesting to say or I will act nervous, and then they will think I'm "weak" and not as good as they are. Everyone else seems to have it all togather. I know everyone has problems, but I watch people at my kids school events. They talk easily and look relaxed, not anxious inside and scared like me.

I DO talk to people, but its like we never get past the "aquaintence" stage. I feel like no one likes me enough to get close to me or spend time with me. I go out of my way, even when I'm filled with anxiety, to talk to other parents. Sometimes it turns out well, we'll sit and watch the game and chat a little. But after we talk a while, they seem to lose interest. And I dont' know what I'm doing wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Anyway. It happened yesterday at a school game, people were grouped up and talking on the bleachers, and I just sat with me younger daughter by ourself and watched the game. And I tried to pretend I was so absorbed in the game, and I was so confident, I didnt' mind being by myself. And it got me down. Among other things, like the pile of clothes I cleaned out of my closet to see if they still fit that have been on my bedroom floor for a week, clothes that need folding from 3 days ago of washing. And what am I doing?? What I want to do, instead of what I need to do.

Sorry so long. Didn't mean to go on and on and on......

[QUOTE=basketcase

I just don't understand why its so hard for me to have friends. I'm 40, a mom --- I"m a stay at home mom, but I paint furniture and portraits while I'm at home to make a little extra money. I had friends in high school, but mainly because I was "funny" and made everyone laugh. They didn't respect me, I knew that. But the alternative was to have no one. Everyone always called me "dense" and an airhead. And I just laughed along with them. But inside I hurt, and didn't know WHY I couldn't be like everyone else.

I. And I dont' know what I'm doing wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. It happened yesterday at a school game, people were grouped up and talking on the bleachers, and I just sat with me younger daughter by ourself and watched the game. And I tried to pretend I was so absorbed in the game, and I was so confident, I didnt' mind being by myself. And it got me down. What I want to do, instead of what I need to do.

Sorry so long. Didn't mean to go on and on and on......

 

Maybe what you are doing wrong is trying to be like everyone else. You have a unique gift. Believe me, I would love to be artistic.

Have you considered giving painting lessons or teaching furniture restoration? You could approach your local adult ed center or even your library about giving lessons through them. I used to recruit people for an adult ed facility and know they are always looking for new programs to include. Possibly you could give lessons out of your home. Charge a nominal fee and let them purchase their own supplies. They would consider your "airhead" tendancies as part of your artistic personality, take it in stride and love you more for it! 

I think the trick to making friends who respect you is to let them see what there is about you that is unique and makes you a valuable person. Offer to paint portraits of some of the prominent people in your community even if you have to do it for free. Find people who will display them in a public place. Do something which will enable the general populace to see what you do well in a non threatening way.

 

PeopleRepellent -- one thing I try to remember is that other people are usually pretty preoccupied with their own stuff.  That can be comforting when you're feeling paranoid -- they probably aren't judging you as much as you think, because they are too busy dealing with themselves.  Trust me -- the stupid things you think you are saying go mostly unnoticed.  Unless you are demanding or abusive, the people around you are not likely to be focused on your personality or social behavior.

As for the few who may judge you -- why cater to them?  Find people who appreciate you. Judgemental people will always find something to judge.  Sociable people tend to like other people and enjoy their company.  The way other people treat you is mostly about them, not you.

Do you have a hobby?  If you want to boost your social life, think about joining a group or club devoted to your hobby or interest.  People love to bond with others over a shared passion.  If they've chosen to join a group, they want to connect with others, and will welcome you. 

I agree with David about changing your name.

Also, do you know about CoDependents Anonymous?  It's for anyone who wants to improve their relationships.

You are fine the way you are.  We are all works in progress.  Good luck!

 

 

You guys/gals are so nice.  Thanks for your support and kind words.

I think a major problem for me may boil down to  my lack of social "training", if you will.   Where does a grown man get training like that and I know I'm not learning anything like that from a book. 

As with many of us, my self-esteem is pretty bad.  I have very abusive self-talk habbits to myself.  I'm paranoid of what people are thinking of me all the time.  I try really hard for people to like me.   It's such a complicated thing with me, it's impossilbe to explain in a few short paragraphs here.  There's physical appearence, body language, eye contact (either too much or not enough), there is lack of impulse control and blurting out stupid things or asking really stupid obvious questions just to fill the "dead air" when talking with someone.  It's overwhelming really.

I'll stop rambling again for now but please, it may not seem so, but I'm getting something from your collective inputs. 

Blessings to you all.

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent] [QUOTE=GlenW]
But how did you get to that epiphany where you STOPPED looking at the glass as half empty?  I'm still looking for a long-term resolution.


[/QUOTE]

All I can tell you is that about a month after starting on dexedrine and talking about what I've experienced with my psychiatrist, the pessimistic,  self-absorbed, paranoid anxious wreck that I was had become a happy, relaxed, far less anxious and symptom-suppressed version of me.  I didn't hear the chatter - the constant negative loop that went through my mind after any encounter with people.

I started with a fantastic doctor and wonderful psychiatrist.  My psychiatrist - who was experienced with adult ADHD - bypassed the popular ritalin and strattera and knew to put me on dexedrine - he said he just knew that my symptoms required this.  He was very very right!  It not only quieted the inner chaos - it gave me vigor, happiness, relaxation and the ability to look people in the eye.  It gave me the ability to remember things and to be confident in my recollection of them.  Pretty much every aspect of my life was better after starting therapy.  The talk therapy helps me with learning new mechanisms to cope when anxious or stressed.  Very important.

So that's how I got from half-empty to half-full.  And, by the way you-who-knows-who-you-are out there - normalcy is MORE than adequate for most of us!! Try it sometime - you might just like it! :)

I hope that helps a bit.

[QUOTE=PeopleRepellent]Hi. ...uhhh, hello?  I'll start off on my best behavior ...ooookaaayyy? as people normally do ...they do??? when  they first meet..I do?..but as my "handle" implies, before long, ...w/my AD, it's ...before short...a/b 7 seconds short... I'll be as interesting and respected as that speck of lint Is it bellylint? in the corner as time goes by. Why respect and interest? At least we're noticed.  That's the brutal honesty of my existence, always has and I'm afraid, it always will...unless I can find a way to do something different, learn new social skills, I live w'o social skills, cuz tis coping skills I need. get a grip on my brains impulsive acts. How about a grip on mxRx? I'm ritalated, provigilated, and cymbalta'd. You?

I've always been the "weird one", Try blacksheep. I'm bright, me2 attractive, I like to think I am, but then.... educated, me2 have a family,me2 couple of houses, me2, except only 1 work is a little tenuous me2 (always...I figure I do a career move every three years or so... right now but I'm doing alright. me2  I'm seemily normal looking me2 I guess but I get the squinty eye's and the sarastic comments and the brush-offs on a regular basis after people get to know me. not me2. I get fought over, then fired... or sued... but I sue back... and kickass...  It's a wonder my wife hasn't done the same thing.  mine has. she took my guns this weekend...ouch. I consider happiness to be a warm gun, b/c its drawing my body heat... see, what'd I tell ya? Nah, really, I work in dangerous environments, like Guatemala and Honduras and Costa Rica, where they like killing people enmasse. My bank was robbed and 9 people were killed in MonteVerde. The sole survivor said of the guard that started the firefight "why did he open fire? It's not like it was his money"... Then at Christmas 28 people were assesinados 20 miles from where I work. Not that I've killed anyone, but I like to think I'm prepared... I will tell you this, I have looked down more barrels of firearms pointed at ME in Central America in 8 months than a marine does in Iraq on a tour of duty... at least they've all been friendlies... We're trained not to point a gun unless you aim to pull the trigger, and not to pull the trigger unless you aim to kill... They have a different philo in CenAm. ~quack~ point first...

If you're ADHD is like mine, me2 I'm just a bad self-observer. not me2. I'm a different perspective observer. I'm fine, it's the nOrmals around me that have the problem...  I must look like a clown to people with my hyperness, me2 animated expressions me2 and constant talking me2.  I seem to be out of control me2, but I'm NOT!... I'm just in a different type of control... of my own body. me2. I seem to be out of control IN my own body... I haven't seen myself neither have I. That old guy in the mirror isn't really me2... on camera I have. I'm a gas, unless I've got my game face on (that's why they thought I was a multiple), but I can hyperfocus in a life/death situation, which I do experience... but if I did, I would classify me as a wind-up doll always on the go, doing things fast and....well kind of like a Woody Allen kind of guy. not me2. I don't know who I look like. Oh, I know, Triggrr. Or that pink bunny with a hand, hand, finger, thumb; drumming drumming drumming on a drum... but at 4x...  I can have this type of observation about myself now but when I'm "in-the-moment" talking or interacting with someone, my brain is on autopilot headed for a crash. me2. But I pull out in time...

I've been to the psychiatrist, me2 tried all kinds of meds me2 who's side effects are not worth the "comfort" of normalcy. me2. So be yourself. Take what works for you, and if you don't know, keep looking. Let them be nOrmal... I'm open to trying something, I just don't know what, more meds, me2 maybe vitamins, herbs, diet, not me2. I like food. meditation, not me2. I can't focus for more than 7 seconds. Is there a 7 second meditation? yoga, me2. I mean, not yoga, but trying new stuff. I like selling, sex, science, and skiing, not necessarily in that order... It keeps me focused...
Maybe it's the adREnaLIN...

HELP! My name is David, I'm an EMT. May I help? I'm rambling here me2. But following you... because I need some serious feed back oops, not from me2 from anyone who can relate Well, I can relate, does that count? to this or just someone to give me some pointers of what they've done. ,I've let it ride. Take my meds during the day, and let my mind at night play [/QUOTE]

Hey, ProPellant,

I don't suffer from ADHD. I enjoy every minute of it! It's the nOrmals around me that suffer....

Have you thought a/b changing your handle? Think positive. I think you have coded ADHD, subsection distractive, paragraph hyyyyperrrr, and have the power of a ProPellant. Or we can call you RocketMan! Change now, while you're a newbie, or later, or never, or many times. I just changed my alliterator picture thingie, or whatever it's called. I'm trying to catch some bugs...

Anyhow, welcome to the Tapestry. We got some cool Threads around here, and I think you can be one, too.

Read around. There's a lot of good stuff in here, not just looney tunes. Trick is to find them. Do a word search. 'Luck!
 

PR,

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD with Anxiety.  My regular doctor prescribed Prozac for me.  I've been taking it now for 5 weeks.  It's really helped me to slow down in many ways.  I can see myself being too negative, which can give me the chance to stop the negative thinking.  I don't overreact to everything like I used to.  So I'm able to control alot of my impulsivity.

My therapist says that I might want to try Wellbutrin, I see my therapist today to discuss this further.

I also found a great book that can really help me with alot of things in my life - 'ADD - Friendly ways to organize your life'.  Great book when I follow the suggestions that I think can be relative to my life.  Check it out!

Welcome to our world!!!

Autumnstar

normalcy is a cold comfort.

Joyous - I'm sure you are right about people responding to a warm smile. I know it is pleasant to be the recipient of one! I suppose I don't feel happy, so I dont' look happy.........and I have to remember to smile.

Wordwoman - I can see how that would make people feel special, especialy remembering something about them that was personal and just about them instead of saying something general. And "working at it" would certainly put the ball back in your (my) court, for the first few meetings at least.

I don't know if this is of any use but......I've found that I can get away with saying just about any old dumb thing if I do it with a warm smile on my face! I've done this at parties before, when I've felt invisible and figured nobody really knew whether I was 'cool' or not. I made sort of a game of it...

If somebody looks you in the eye (by accident, of course), smile warmly and say "hey, how're ya doing! How about them _______(fill in the blank: Mets, Hot Dogs, Hors D'ouvres, kids, aliens, whatever). Most of the time they'll either say "Hey, yeah, how ya doing?" back and walk on, or they will stop and ask you what you are talking about. Then you can tell them you were just testing to see who heard or listened to what you were saying, it can start a conversation about party dynamics. Lot's of people don't like parties, often because they are uncomfortable too....and that can be a basis for the beginning of a friendship.

I've found that 95% of what goes on at parties is meaningless and unmemorable to me, although I know lots of people like parties. And 95% of the people don't notice if I'm dorky or uncomfortable or bored....they are way more into what they are doing, and really don't notice me (which is helpful, when I'd prefer not to be there).

 

True story -- I knew a guy once who was very sociable and had a lot of friends.  I asked him what he thought was the secret to that and he said, “Well, it takes a lot of work.”  This mystified me, and I asked what he meant.  He said, “Well, if I meet somebody I like, I listen when they talk about their interests, and I ask about them next time I see them.  I get their phone number, and I call them.  And I always remember their birthdays.”  Wow!  This was a huge AHA! moment for me.  I used to think that friendship was something that just happened -- that if someone had a lot of friends, it must mean they had some mystical magnetic quality and that they were “likeable,” whatever that meant.  Now, I truly believe that friendship mostly has to do with following up.  The bad news is that follow-up is something ADHDers don’t tend to be very good at.  The good thing is that thinking of friendship as something you DO makes it less full of dread and shame and fear about not being worthy or good enough.