NO HELP FOR ME

Zelda,

May I ask....Who is "they" that you refer to when "they" did the test of whether he could handle his own money?  I'm curious and maybe someone else from the UK may be able to offer suggestions with the more information we have.

As Leigh said, we send you hugs.

Zelda,

[QUOTE=zelda]..... AS HE GO IN MY BED ROOM AND GO THROUGH MY DRAWS AND CUPBOARDS AND TAKES ANY THING HE LIKES ,HE TAKES MONEY FROM ME ,HE GETS £300 A MONTH DLA AND HE CAN DO WHAT HE LIKES WITH IT I DONT HAVE ANY SAY IN IT AS HE IS 16 AND ITS UP TO HIM WHAT HE DO WITH IT ,[/QUOTE]

I hope you come back to read the responses.  I don't know the laws in the UK but a 16 yr old having control of money is not a good thing. If that is the law then it is a stupid law but I should think there should or is a law in place that stipulates a teen-age who has been DX'd with an illness (ADHD- if that is what it really is??) cannot/should not have control of any money because of the dx.  I don't know if that makes sense. It seems that since he is living under your roof YOU should have the control.  Who knows what kind of street drugs he could be purchasing with that money.   That money he is receiving should be spent on getting him more help.

Anyone out there in the UK know the laws regarding this?

My heart goes out to you.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs from all of us here, Zelda.  You'll find plenty of support here.  I hope you get some relief from this.  I'm so sorry.  I don't know what to suggest in addition to what has already been said, but please know I'll say a prayer that you find the help that is much needed.

I had a nephew who was younger, but he had gotten so dangerous that a judge removed him from his parent's home and put him in an institution. It isn't Brat Camp and it isn't a reform school. It was a home for children with serious issues like that. They had very strict rules, counseling at least once a day, had to earn every privilege, including the right to see the family. The faculty and staff worked with them constantly, drs. evaluated and tried meds, altering the dosage,etc.

It was very intensive, very hard on the family BUT it took a little less than a year for a 14 yr old who was unmanageable and a very real danger to his family to do a complete turnaround. He came home absolutely wonderful!

He now is constantly after his father to do projects with him, will notice things that need doing around the house and either do them or nag is dad to help him or show him how. He is so patient with his younger siblings. He isn't perfect but he is truly a great kid now, at 16. He also gets very high grades in school.

I haven't the faintest idea how you would find a place like that in the UK but if he is ever in trouble with the law, you can ask the judge. You may even be able to contact Social Services and ask them whether they know of a place like that. I would not hesitate to send my son there if he was behaving like that.

Have you tried giving him supplements? You could put liquids in his food and he would never know. Often behavior is helped immensely just by add them.

This is way above just ADHD. I had a daughter who did stuff like that and it turned out that she was on drugs. I never suspected; just thought she had a mood disorder. She is clean now, but tells me all the drugs she took and one thing she did was abuse ADHD meds (crushing and snorting them sometimes with cocaine). I was so stupid; I hadn't a clue. If your son isn't taking recreational drugs or using too much stimulants to get high or drinking with meds, I'd get him put in a hosptal for re-evaluation. He could have bipolar and bipolar plus ADHD meds === BIG TROUBLE. It's NOT the same treatment and can make these kids violent and totally without any control at all (I have bipolar, had it as a teen and I know first hand how out of control you feel and act and how rageful you get). I did things like your son does---I never hurt people, but I did bust down doors, swear at my parents, defy them at every turn, and I felt guilty and miserable, but couldn't stop. Only the right meds put a stop to it as it went on into adulthood. A "mixed" state---depressive thinking mixed with manic hyperness can cause kids to act literally uncontrollable. You have two years to legally be able to help your son. I'd start with a new evaluation. I feel for you, I feel for my own parents, but change starts with the right dx. and I don't think ADHD is the true or whole picture. It's too extreme. I'd see a Psychiatrist and a NeuroPsych both to decipher what's really going on. Here is another site you can post on. The forum deals with kids who have difficult behaviors due to all sorts of disorders, and I think they have a teen section. Good luck!

www.conductdisorders.com

Zelda,

I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time.  Sometimes though Zelda, we have to show "tough love" to our kids, and I think now is that time!

People with ADHD have an especially hard time setting limits, and don't do well at all  without structure.  I don't have to tell you that things are way out of controll. 

He needs you to provide him with structure so he can learn how to handle and cope with his life.  No matter what you have to do.  Even if you're afraid he'll hate you, it has to be done or your son stands to loose any hope of a meaningful, happy future. 

His lack of respect for you, your husband and other children is absolutely unacceptablel.   He needs imediate help, as do you and the rest of your family.

 A co-worker of mine had a similiar situation with her teen-age son, he has ADHD and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). If I recall correctly, she actually pressed charges against him for stealing from her, he was then placed in a juvenile detention center (being still a minor).  He did fortunately receive counseling which continued into family counseling.  I'm not sure how long he was there, but I know he is home now and things are going well.

Your husband would not be "lowering himself" if he made a stand.  He doesn't have to get physical to make a stand, but one needs to be made before someone really gets hurt!

I think thats what I would do, really.  I would press charges.  At least you would know where he was, and he would know that you, your husband, and your other children will not accept this kind of treatment from him or anyone else!

Keep your chin up, and fight for your son!  (He'll love you the more for it in the end!)

Zelda,

I am so very sorry you are going through this.  Your post almost brought me to tears.  I want you and your family to be safe and feel safe in your own home.  All of you deserve that.  I know you do not want to kick him out, but it may be time.  Your other children have to be considered--their safety and future mental health need to be of equal concern. 

Take care of yourself  and welcome to the board.

sounds like a conduct disorder.. i'm so sorry that you have to go through this.. i had a meeting with a parent today regarding a similar circumstance - we had to remove the boy from the school.. i felt terrible for the mother but there was nothing she or the school could do..

there is nothing that i can say that you don't already know: he needs help, professional help.. how to get him there, i don't know ..  if you place conditions on him such as being allowed to live at home if he goes to therapy, he might just walk away..

i would even be compelled to see someone to chat with, someone that might understand.. there must be groups and organisations for parents in the uk that you can join and find someone to chat with.. groups that have been set up for exactly this purpose, parents with kids who have cd or other problems that severely affect their behaviour.. you also need to keep your mind and emotions clear - thats the only way that you will have any hope of helping him.. if you lose your mind, you won't be able to help him nor yourself..

all the best zelda, i really hope that something happens soon..