I Hate Mean People | ADHD Information

I just hate them. Seems like I encounter quite a few meannies who "draw first blood." They weren't provoked; they don't have any good reason to act so nasty, they just do.

One of them recently is the president of our condo board. He is just an insulting older jerk who is always against everything and has no problem being ugly about it. If there are two ways to say things, these people will choose the nastiest. I would love to say to the next ugly, dark soul I encounter, "Congratulations! At the end of your life the only thing you will be remembered for is being one of the meanest people I have ever met. What an achievement."

My mom went grocery shopping the other day and realized she had been overcharged by $.72 (cents). She's on a fixed income and gets a senior discount at her favorite store (she has been a customer for years) and you know how picky some seniors can get about stuff like that, so she went back to the cashier and asked for a refund. The girl gave it to her and said, "Enjoy your seventy-two cents" as my mom left. Just plain nasty, petty, unnecessary comments.

bbird

I totally know what you mean.  I usually see it though with girls being mean to my daughter at school (she's 12).  Soooooo mean! 

I never understood mean people.  I mean I've always thought that it comes from insecurity and jealously, but if so, what makes people insecure and jealous?

I've also come to beleive that a lot of people with ADHD are....how should I say, a little naive.  Not in a bad way, but in an innocent way.  I don't see it in myself too much, although I have been told by a close friend that I am this way.  I have noticed it in a good friend of mine who is ADHD and in Another friend's ADHD husband.  I think mean people take advantage of some ADHD'ers innocents, not just by being mean, but by exploiting them (us) and taking credit for our ideas.

Melly, I had almost the same exact experience as you, and big woman almost tried to hit me because of it. I was walking my 86-year-old father to the car at the grocery store. He falls a lot and cannot walk fast. It was also raining, so I didn't want to risk having a parked car backing out and hitting him/us because of poor visibility. So, I walked him slowly in the middle of the parking isle. We only had to go 6 car spaces.

A large woman (not fat, just big. I'm 5'6 and about 120#--I do yoga and am pretty active, so I'm not really unfit) with a child drove up behind me and honked. I was startled and also not sure if it was us she was honking at...I hoped not. But, I turned around and she rolled down her window to say, "You don't have to walk so slowly and in the middle of the isle." I'm pretty sure my ears went red and my hair probably stood straight up in the air.

I guess I have developed an adaptive thing. I used to be really nice and submissive to people, but I also have another side that will click in when I'm threatened (fight or flight, yah?) that basically becomes a "Do NOT F with me. You really are picking on the wrong person." My goal becomes to basically hit them so hard with a return serve that it knocks their teeth out and they will think twice about it the next time. I try to take direct and severe aim to make it as painful as possible--not physically, but socially, emotionally, verbally, and logically.

I have a degree in Human Communication and I had to learn a LOT about understanding relationships and developing Win-Win communication, etc. It just IRKS me that I have all that education, but some basic Yahoo will come along and tromp all over that. They don't even try or care about being diplomatic. They mistake good manners for weakness. In fact, I am related to one...my sister.

So, from having been around animals my whole life,  I guess I have watched and developed a protective mother dog tehnique...I'm as gentle as a lamb--I try to assume the best about people and welcome them with a wag, however, try to harm me or one of my puppies and you will be motivated to just move on to the next dog.  So, if I decide to be un-diplomatic and do things in a swift manner that a bully understands, I try to pack as much threat and punch as I have to to get them to try an easier target. I hate having to do that, but it HAS handled things pretty well for me sometimes.

The trick is using good judgment. The danger is becoming their new target.

In the case of the big woman and my dad, I did not use such good judgement. As she told us how we were moving too slowly for her, I asked, "Does the concept of a pedestrian mean anything to you?" She rolled up her window and proceeded to try to squeeze past my leg with her car. Can you imagine? I was so angry that I took my fist and pounded it once on her back window. Wrong choice. It was pretty much an automatic response. I shouldn't have done it.

She screeched her car to a stop and jumped out and literally came hurling toward me. I yanked out my cell phone and started dialling 911 and said, "If you TOUCH me, I will have you arrested and sent BACK to jail." She waa ranting "YOU HIT MY CAR!!!"  It was quite a scene. I just kept repeating myself and walking to her license plate to get the number.  She came within inches of my face.

What did my dear old dad do? He yelled, "BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!!! SHE DID NOT HIT YOUR CAR!" EEEK. I created a monster. Now my dad was lying for me. Holy Mackeral. I didn't back down, I just said, "I suggest you get BACK into your car and get out of here before you are arrested." (Hoping she'd fall for the bluff...we would actually BOTH be arrested. I have never been arrested in my life for anything, and I certainly don't want to start at 40!).

The woman got back in her car, we each said our perfunctory "F YOU(s)" and she had to add an insult to how stupid my VW is.

Anyway, Joyous, you're absolutely correct, I don't like to be dragged down to that level.  That day I was upset for the rest of the day and totally embarraassed. And, you are probably also right (my boyfriend would tell me this all the time), "Mean people are miserable about something inside." I am going to try to remember to ask people more often if they are having a bad day like you do. I'll have to add that to my bag of communication tricks. Sometimes I am in a good space and can do this; sometimes, a lot of the time actually, believe it or not, I will just let it go.

There are however, just evil, ugly people as you say...and yep, I want to stay far and wide from them. When they invade my world, I give it hell to chase those predators away from my chickens and off my property, so to speak. Basicaly nipping things in the bud (or in the butt...whatever the case may be).

bbird


bluebird3838585.4593402778

Mean people suck!  I know how ya feel bluebird!  My mom is handicapped, and I can remember one time I went to the grocery with her and she doesn't move the fastest.  This young guy said "Move it lady!" and OH BOY!  I was so mad!  I also hear snide comments when I accompany my parents to stores, they park in the Handicapped section, and people don't see the handicap and act as if my parents are faking it.  (BTW..my dad has benign vertigo and mom has NF2-equillibrium is very much off and she can't walk long distances).  My mom also does the thing with money.  She grew up poor so she really watches her money, and she'd even go back in if they gave her 72 cents too much!

I just dislike ignorant people too!  UGH!  I could probably get on my soapbox for days, but I'll spare ya all the agony

I can't stand mean people either. I don't understand them at all. I defineately feel naive and I know I think differently than these people. I've talked to my husband about feeling naive and not getting why people seem to think in another realm than I do............and felt like a little kid doing it. He is 7 yrs. older than I am, he told me that one of the reasons he loved me so much is because I have such a kind heart and am not mean spirited. That made me feel better, but there are alot of times that I can't figure out if someone is  being sarcastic and catty with me because I'm such and easy target, or if I have just misunderstood.

What I hate the most is when I am used by mean people, but don't know they are mean until afterwards, of course. There have been several times that someone needed my "help", like a school pageant we had and this woman that I didnt know that was putting it on that year (I did it the year before) called me and asked me all this advice, and could I come help her with the practice and alot of other things. I did it cheerfully, and she was SO nice to me during it all. After the pageant, do you know that she ignores me and acts like she has never met me? If she does happen to look at me and I catch her eye, she gives me this dismissive look. I have not figured that one out. Alot of people just seem to not have a concience about using people and then when they are done they move on to somoene else. Its just so disrespectful, you know? If someone goes out of their way to help me out, I never forget it and wouldn't dream of mistreating them.

I used to think I was just born during the wrong time. That I should have been born when things weren't so busy and technical and people weren't so worldly and self absorbed. Felt like I belonged to a simpler time when life was simple and all you really worried about was if there was enough to eat and your kids were healthy.

I believe that mean people are unhappy people.

I usually say a prayer for them and tell them that I hope the rest of their day is better.

Sometimes I will stop and start a conversation with them, commenting on how they have a rough job, or ask if they're having a bad day. I am often surprised when the surly look on their face melts and they tell me what's wrong...how they haven't slept, or there isn't enough help in the store or restaurant that day, or they're in the middle of a divorce....sometimes they will apologize and be extra nice after that.

And sometimes they are just plain evil and the only thing to do is stay away from them...unless you can come up with some really good comeback...or at least leave a lousy tip.

I hate it most when I get all cranky and mean back at them; then I've allowed them to ruin my day.

Children can be very mean. I feel for your daughter. I
got some good doses of little girl cruelty, myself.

It probably does stem from being insecure. Kids do
some terrible things for peer attention and
acceptance.

I don't know, there's insecure and there's "No one
will like me if I'm nice to that kid." It's rotten.

Some people don't seem to outgrow that mentality,
either. What a world. I try to never forget a kindness. When someone does an unexpected act of kindness for me, I would practically let them have the last cup of water in a desert.

When someone has been unduly mean to me, I am extremely punitive (whether overtly or covertly). I have a hard time letting any bad deed go unpunished. As my friend said, "I need to help Karma along." Sometimes I might not get any results, but I don't usually let them escape without at least a complication.

For example, I went to a hairshop and the lady ruined my hair (I mean RUINED...it felt like shag carpet and the color was gross). I was too intimidated not to pay in the busy shop...and was probably still in shock. The next day I called to politely explain that I was unhappy and too embarrassed to go to work. I asked if I could please have a refund.

Her response was, "I do NOT give refunds. You shouldn't have paid. If you're that unhappy, I suggest you find another hairdresser down the street to fix it for you" and then she hung up on me.

I wrote everyone from her to the management to the US Navy practically. I made such a stink that the business she rents a booth from finally gave me a refund + extra (they originally said it's between her and me), and I'm pretty SURE she heard about it more than once. Dumb thing? She had the NERVE to put me on her Xmas mailing list.  She sent me a Christmas card and included a goopy, insincere greeting.  I had only been to her once! LOL

bb
bluebird3838585.0458564815I Hate Fake People TooBasket, you might be right about the naivete. I am terribly sensitive and never had a very thick layer of skin. 

My parents were great ...they always told me how great I was (and that I could do anything) no matter how mean the kids were.  They had me believing I was just plain alright. I can't tell you the countless times they have had to calm me down and give me the words to go back to school with. They still do.   They also gave me animals to love and taught me how to be kind to them. I just really understood and related to animals and their love. I'm so grateful for that.  My heart breaks for kids that have my problems without that kind of support and understanding.

Nowdays when someone attacks me, I am still somewhat astonished that I have developed a pretty wicked donkey kick verbally. Even though I still feel like the wounded, hurt child, I will open my mouth (or type a letter) and out comes someone with an adult vocabulary who does the equivalent of punching someone in the head. I still have to find someplace to recover after one of those incidents though.

Even though my dad (especially) gave me some fighting instruction, I do wish we had known about ADHD so that I might not have been a target in the first place.

bb

When I encounter rotten people, I usually get just as sweet as I can be towards them. If they are having a bad day, it will often be the impetus they need to cheer them up. If they are just mean people, it really irks them that I don't take it to heart. I feel like I won either way.

I have ended up making some good, caring friends that way. I probably have made some enemies but they don't bother taking it out on me because I don't react the way they expect so it isn't fun for them. Its probably good that I can't see my back because it may just be full of darts and knives!

If someone I am with is hurt or threatened, I will turn into a mother bear! I can't stand seeing someone else hurt, even if it is someone I don't really care for. I just hate seeing people treated as victims or lesser thans.

bepatient, I admire you. I used to be like that but I buckled under the pressure.

The fact is, that it's usually impossible to tell if someone is inherently mean or if they're mean because they don't know any better or if their mean because they mistakenly (or correctly) think you've wronged them somehow. And for the last two kinds of people, being nice to them should be the correct solution.

bluebird38: yes, that's my own theory. I usually don't put much stock in my thoeries. But I trust theories I find in books even less. And then I take other people's home brewed theories as sort of interesting suggestions. It makes for very slow personal growth, but I think it will make me very wise once I grow a long white beard.

Three chears to all the nice people out there!

 

Well, thank you Auntie. My response might have partly been sponsored by Adderall, if you know what I mean.   It helps me to be more logical. I whip it out before I get into situations that are going to be tough.

I sued someone (another bully) in small claims court. It was a contractor who not only screwed up the flooring he installed (huge gaps in a beautiful wood floor), but had the unmitigated gall to tell me off on the phone when I questioned him about it. I taped the conversations and his unbelievable messages that he would leave. Mind you, I ALWAYS start out nice.

Because of so much finger pointing on his end, I ended up having to sue him, the retailer, and the manufacturer. I took Ritalin before I went in to court, whipped out my tapes, my mind was working like a methodical machine, and I had excellent access to my memory. I won the case and the judge split the judgement between all three parties.

Without it, I would be stammering and struggling for an organized way to present it, likely to go on irrelevant tangets, and hard pressed to remember details.

Sometimes I probably provide more than is asked in these situations, but I sort of don't like to allow for too much wiggle room when I decide to lower the boom. Just get my ducks in a row and give it my hardest shot. I'm hardly ever in the mood to volley in these situations.

I would still prefer to exist in a world of puppies, quilting, and soft voices.

As far as just mean people I encounter in public (that I don't know), I'm pretty good at allowing that they have personal issues that just make them socially retarded. I just do my best to get past them without a hassle.

A funny one happened not too long ago. I took my dad's dog to visit him in his care facility. The guard seemed to really enjoy being sort of extra nasty by telling me to take her out..."no dogs allowed." No problem, I just tried to separate the message from the tone of delivery. No dogs = no dogs. Ok.

Well, since then, I have trained her to become a service dog. LOL. This time, my dad informed the guard that his daughter would be bringing HER service dog. She said, "I don't know about that...I'm going to have to check with my supervisor." The supervisor came out and said to my dad, "Of COURSE she's welcome here. Tell her to bring her on in...no problem." heheehehe 

So, once again, I came marching in with the same dog, only this time she has her service dog vest on. The guard took one look and went out of her way to try to be friendly this time, but then felt the need to add..."just don't leave any little bathroom marks on our carpets." hahahaha  Guess it's hard for people to let go of the control sometimes. My dog would burst before she would THINK of going to the bathroom indoors.  :D

bbird
bluebird3838587.4536342593I think most of us AD(H)Der's have the "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to most things! To me a child is mean cause that kids parents have not taught any different. Some even then are mean anyhow. Let's see how they would handle a person with a disability in their home.

This is an interesting thread and you all seem to have a slightly different view. My 20 yr old daughter, who has not been diagnosed ADD, but has so many of the characteristics, I am convinced she has it, is very quick to perceive "meanness". Sometimes I have witnessed interactions she calls "meanness", but it seemed to me to be something else. Like someone stating their opinion (that may not have concurred with my daughter's), or an oversight that wasn't intentional. She also will say that I am "being mean" to her, if I say or do something that is contrary to her line of thinking. She can get angered easily, usually gets over it quickly, UNLESS she perceives the slight to be great, and if so, will hold the grudge for a long time.

Conversely, my recently diagnosed ADD hubby, has NO awareness at all of subtle or not so subtle cues when people are unhappy with him, want him to shut up, or even are flirting with him. You practically have to whallup him over the head with an emotion for him to recognize it. I recall in our newlywed days, him coming home from the bank, and a business card with the bank tellers phone number (handwritten) and he thought she was just "being nice"!! Seriously!!

Can anyone explain these two extremes; hypersensivity vs. no awareness at at all?

[QUOTE=bepatient]

  I have taught her not to be mean to people even if they are mean to her.

I try to do that with my kids also. I have a near litany about "It doesn't cost anything to be polite to people. You can dislike them intensely but  there is no excuse for being rude or mean."  I guess great minds think alike, or is it mother's minds?

 

I'm not worried about people being mean to me, and I''m not mean to others (at leaste not on purpose).  But sometimes if someone is being mean to me, or seams to not like me, I just most of the time don't know why.  I think you answered a part of it. 

But yes, I do worry about kids being mean to my daughter.  She is very innocent for her age, and also besides ADD she has an expressive and receptive language disorder,  so she doesn't usually have anything to say in response to something mean.  She stays quiet in confusion.  I talk with her after the fact about an appropriate response in case it happened again.  I have taught her not to be mean to people even if they are mean to her.

I hope you all will find this useful or at least interesting.

My boss's boss told me two days before I was to find out if my breast cancer had returned (it had and he knew I was awaiting this news), that I lacked "emotional intelligence" (EI). So, I used that for my final project in my cog psych course to find out what in the devil he was even talking about. While I learned a lot about how non-AD(H)D function in terms of EI, another article really brought the dynamic I think you all are talking about, home.

A psychologist at a university in Austrailia, Forgas, did a study (actually, several but this is the one that perked up my ears) in which he investigated the relationship between "mood" and "rudeness." What he discovered was that the better a person's "mood," the less likely they were to assume the other person would take them the wrong way and the more often they were considered "rude" by the other person, as a result.

What this means is that more "normal" people tend to be paranoid and assume negative intentions on another person's part. Therefore, you need to treat them with kid gloves (part of what EI is all about). People in a good mood, assume others are too and therefore, simply aren't as careful or tactful. This results in other poeple thinking they're being rude. Sound familiar? I found this research to be VERY telling.

Even my close girlfriend thought I was being judgmental w/ her yesterday when I was merely being descriptive. Fortunately, our trust is such that she asked for clarification rather than proceeding on the assumption that I was putting her down (e.g., "being rude"). But how many people will check out assumptions like that? Not many!

I don't like meanness in people, either--especially myself--but I've also done enough study in education and psychology to realize that most of the time they're mean because they're just screwed up and hurting inside. Got to have at least a little compassion for that. At the same time, get it together, folks!

But isn't being judgmental about these people also being "mean?" Isn't the shoe just on the other foot? Maybe the trick is focusing on how not to be mean to others rather than worrying about them being mean to us.

  

     I went to an elementary school in Los Angeles where half the school was bussed in from watts and compton, and there were some very tough, mean girls, who I decided to make friends with  because it seemed the smart thing to do. One ended up really liking me alot and I was stuck with her, even though I sometimes didn't like the way she acted. I realized I was much smarter than her and if she was mean it was because she just didn't know any better. I was 9 and beginning to figure people out. I did not know I had ADHD. I just knew I was smarter, faster, and stronger than anyone else, and if anyone said anything mean to me, I would punch them  or tackle them on the pavement, and they didn't bother me again. I was also sometimes aggressive towards kids I liked who had not done anything to me, because I felt like I was just bursting out of my skin(after school and an hour long bus ride)and I'd tackle my best friend and hurt him the minute I jumped off the bus. Then I'd feel bad about it  when his mom called, and told my mom he was bleeding. I am a girl, but I only played with boys on my street. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I could not control myself.          ; In contrast, I sent my girls to Waldorf schools, and they do not allow any child to bully, pick on, or be unkind to any other child. Time is taken during class to have a circle with the children and talk about the hurt feelings, and they do things that integrate the hurt or left out child back into the peer group as a friend and equal. The whole philosophy of education is so different from public school because the aim is to make children citizens of the world who appreciate diversity instead of fearing it. It's 5:30am-meant to go to bed-goodnight

Yah, I'm a bit torn. Mostly I try to go as far as I can with kindness until push comes to shove (so to speak), and if it comes to shoving, I try to shove the hardest.

I had a situation at work recently. Someone at work started bullying (being very aggressive + ignorant about the subject matter) and trying to make me look bad. I was nice the first few times. Finally, I confronted her and asked her about her "tone"  in her emails--asked if she was purposefully trying to do sound aggressive and condescending (she is supposed to be working for ME!). She was apologetic and swore that she wasn't, but then she did it again and used one of my ideas in a meeting with my boss.

I decided to give her a whack she wouldn't forget this time--I challenged her openly. She became very argumentative. She said, "Everyone's entitled to an opinion." I told her that she would need to provide backup for her "opinions" that she's stating as fact from now on. 

Then my boss asked me to train her how to do part of my job. I asked, "Why?" She said, "So that we have backup and that it goes faster, etc." She was hired a couple of months ago  (not by me, but because she is a friend of the CEO) and she doesn't have the skills I have.

I then dropped the bomb that I won't do that and everyone was surprised. I said, "If <person> needs to upgrade her skill set, then I suggest that she take a class or read some books." <total silence>. Supervisor said, "Yes, but it will go much faster if you show her how to do it." I answered, "If it's that simple, then she will be able to read about it and quickly get up to speed." <more silence>

The woman then had the nerve and bad timing to pipe in with, "Well, sometimes a person learns faster by being shown rather than reading or taking a class." I responded, "Yes, that is called 'personal tutoring' and that's not why I'm here. I have a job to do. If you need more education, I suggest you go and get it."

Meeting ended promptly.

I then documented all of it; took all of her emails to my supervisor and the one above and personally told them that she is disrespectful and straight out of line and that I would normally be very happy to share information and mentor someone in something that took time, effort, and money to hone, but that I won't even consider because of her attitude.

I provided a ton of backup, and proved that she does not know what she is talking about. I didn't want them to think I was just having a hysterical moment--this woman has been at it for quite awhile.

Haven't heard a peep. My life has been pleasantly quiet. In this instance it could cost me my job, but it's a bit stacked anyhow since she and the CEO have been friends for 20 years. I still won't be treated that way.

So, I figure there's sort of a fine line between being nice and continue to let someone get progressively more aggressive (Hitler, for example). Sometimes I'd rather nip it in the bud in a way that the person can relate to--stopping them in their tracks. If I have to resort to that, I try to guage how much effort it will require....and it usually DOES require some amount of effort. Have to pick my battles.

Boy, it sure is hard to talk myself out of a battle though when my heart starts pumping from the sheer shock of a situation with an aggressor. Does anyone else have that problem?  It probably stems from the way I was treated as a child....maybe? My dad overdid it and used a belt. I probably could find more patient ways to deal with situations, but sometimes a swift, hard kick is a shortcut. I don't think I know I'm not very emotionally intelligent always though.

I've taken an Anger Management class in college (voluntarily) because I wanted to understand my rage. I just hate being tromped on. I was in a religion for many years where women are shaped to become very, very docile and either doormats or passive aggressive. You are expected to always be volunteering and to be Christlike. I think I'm not very good at accepting crap anymore though.

See? I still have to think about this.

:o)

Bluebird38,

Wow, I'm impressed how you handled that situation.  You did some great thinking on your feet.  Me, when I run into a situation where I am being taken advantage of I can only think of what I should have said when it is WAY TOO LATE.

I sure hope you don't get fired.  I just hate it when a boss hires someone who they know well or are friends with because no matter how incompetent that person is, they will always get the "special treatment". Grrrr.

I don't worry about mean people much, unless they have power over me.
My boss is mean -- undoubtedly just another flawed human being, but it
sucks to be in her path. My buddha-like compassion has its limits. :-)

My challenge is not to react to meanness with immediacy, because my
startle reflex is easily triggered (and so are my defenses). Sachetm, your
observations are very interesting! There are definitely times I've gotten in
trouble because of feeling too expansive and relaxed with a situation.
And Falcoeur -- I remember too well being boistrous like you describe
when I was a kid, thinking I was just having fun with my friends, not
knowing it was too much and being bewildered when they got mad and
avoided me later. Ouch, painful memory.

I think, though, that tactlessness and meanness are different, because in
my experience people who are tactless are chagrined if they're
confronted. Mean people just get more aggressive.

I preface this with a sorry for the TOME….your posts intrigued me…and you don’t have to read it so…