Help! I need ideas on discipline.
My son is 8 years old and has ADHD. When he's on his med's, he minds pretty well, but when he's not... oh my gosh... I have to tell him to do something over and over and he argues with me alot. My family says that I have those problems because I have not been consistent with discipline from the beginning as far as giving a consequence when he doesn't obey the first time. I do agree with them and I blame myself. The reason I feel it is my fault is because my husband has always been consistent with him and he minds my husband regardless of meds or not. But no, not me! It's very aggervating. I know everyone has their opinions on spanking. That's a whole other disscusion. When my son disobeys or does something wrong, my husband spanks him. But I have such a hard time doing that. Not that I don't agree with it... it's just for some reason, I can't do it. I even have to leave the room when it happens because if I hear it, I start crying too. I didn't have anything in my childhood to make me this way. I was spanked but absolutly nothing out of the ordinary.
Could anyone tell me how they make their children mind? I need some ideas. I know someone told me that because of the ADHD, my son may not be registering the things I tell him and gets distracted from what I've told him to do. But that drives me insane! There's got to be a way to get around that. Is there?
I have troubles myself with being consistent, it's hard, i know. I have put my kids in time outs, grounded, taken away stuff they really care about, all of it works somewhat when they know i'm serious, but then i don't carry out like when i say, " you are grounded for a week", that never gets carried out, i have taken away the tv for a day, but then they go right back to being disrespectful again. You are right about the ADD and registering and processing things differently, i've heard that before, my son has aspergers and ADD, we have to tell him in a way he'll understand why he's being punished, my daughter doesn't have anything wrong, is just plain spoiled, and we've done it to her. Good Luck..... With ADHD (especially the inattentive kind like my daughter) they cannot remember the 'details'. What you need to try and do is to help them really focus on what you're saying. A lot of times, I have my daughter repeat back the instruction I just gave her. Most times it'll take her 2 or 3 times till she gets it right. Then I go have to do the task right away. Also, I use post its. Jot down what you want your son to do... give him the post it. It's written down so he can reference it again... also holding the note will help him remember that he was given a task in the first place. I know it can be very frustrating, but try and remember that it's part of the ADHD, you can give them tools to help them along, but you're not going to change it. My daughter will go into the bathroom, come back out 5 minutes later, I ask her if she's "peed", she'll say "no, I forgot why I went in there so I played". Just roll your eyes, you're not gonna change it.The best thing I've done is to take away priviledges or a favorite toy. You could tell him that he needs to show respect to his mom and part of that means to do what you ask of him the first time you ask. Then lay down the law of a lost priviledge (like no play station), or loss of a toy. Then I would have him look at you and repeat what you just told him.
Then the key is follow-through! And undoubtably he will test you. Then the next time he doesn't listen you could either take away the (thing) for a certain number or days, or, he could earn it back by doing what you ask of him the first time you ask, and he has to do it at least 3 times to earn the (thing) back.
If he can listen to your husband and do what your husband askes, then he is capable of doing what you ask. You just need to have a consequensce and follow through.
Are you sure your son is not my daughter in another body? Wow. That is almost an exact description of my 8 year old. She is a monster girl off her meds or when she comes down in the evening (just about the time I get off work!) I too have husband that is a spanker, always will be, and I hate it. I don't like to lay my hands on my kids if I don't have to. I am not perfect, I have physically disciplined my kids before, but I have stopped as it has no effect on her when it's coming from me. When my husband points his finger, or looks a certain way, she does it! It's the most infuriating thing I've ever seen. I cry when he is too harsh or spanks her. I have asked him to stop because it just makes her more aggressive than she already is. That's one of the reason she doesn't have any friends or playmates, because they all think she's too bossy/pushy.
I like the 1-2-3 Magic system in a basic form. I have certain things about it that I disagree with, but the overall counting system (no emotion, no talking) works well with her. She will argue a prosecuting attorney to death! The other thing that works is making her look in my eyes when I tell her something. She cannot process if she's not looking at me. She would rather look at a speck, on the carpet, 5 feet away, than look at me for 30 seconds if I'm asking her to do something. I had sucess with the 1-2-3 counting within the first week. I sat her down, explained it clearly once and implemented it. If you stick to your guns, which is the hardest thing to do, it can work for you.
I am a single dad of a 15 year old girl with ADD. I've had alot of experience as to what works best. So here goes as relates to my daughter. If she displays behavior that is OBVIOUSLY innappropritate (last nite she called me an asshole) the reprecussions are swift and significant. No wavering. Never go back on your word. (After that comment, I told her I wouldn't be buying her ANY new clothes for school, and would remain steadfast until January) This is severe for a HS sophmore. It is important when communicating the behavior to be as calm and low key as possible. This robs her of the stimulation she gets by getting you angry.
If I ask her to do something, if she says in a few minutes or later .... I don't allow her to postpone it. I tell her to do it NOW ... and tell her the reprecussions if she doesn't do it. If she then doesn't do it immediatley, I very calmly punish her (take cell phone away for a week etc.... ) and then tell her that if it is not done NOW ... it'll be 2 weeks. When she realizes I'm not taking her bait .. and that she'll be the big loser ... it inevitably gets done. I do not waver whether she is under the effects of her medication or not. I let her know that medication is to help her focus. Period. And poor behavior will not be excused.... on or off her meds.
In conclusion:
1. Reprecussions for innappropriate behavior should be immediate.
2. Never go back on a punishment unless there is a VERY important reason to do so.
3. Never take "later" for an answer.
4. Never think that coming down from meds is an excuse to exhibit unacceptable behavior. It is not.
The only thing here that might work and unsure if it will is have only clothes, bed and that's it. He never plays with the toys they just sit there never used. It has always been this way. Now he likes planes, motorcycles,stuff done outside. He is a outside type like his parents are.I also use 1-2-3 Magic .. the counting and the no emotion saves us both a lot of aggrivation.
Other things that work for me:
If I ask him to do soemthing and he wants to discuss it .. I interupt him and say "Okay, mom" and then I say "Thank you, Matthew" and I walk away.
I believe in immediate consequences. TV is off and does not come back on at all that night, or game boy is taken right our of his hands and he doens't get it back for a week. Honestly I don't have to use consequences very often any more.
I also make him look me in the eyes when I give him instructions. I check on him frecuently b/c he does forget in the middle and he gets distracted .. i just bring him back to task .. he is grateful for the understanding and behaves even better for me.
I really don't have discipline trouble with him. Once I refused to argue and stopped being afraid to punish and follow through we both ended up happier.
[QUOTE=SMillheis]4. Never think that coming down from meds is an excuse to exhibit unacceptable behavior. It is not.
[/QUOTE]
Love that one. That is one of my biggest problems. I use the "his off his meds" excuse wwwwaaaayyyyy too much. I love this board!!
DTN...
I have the same problem here. Last week we celebrated the "week of the slamming door and bad attitude" here. I was filled with joy and happiness, too.
Anyway, after defying me for everything, my ds mouths off to his dd. Bad choice. Really bad choice. Then ds runs down the hall and slams his door hard. An re-opens it to slam it again. (probably so the hearing impaired people would know what he is doing!). My dh is known for swift, immediate physical punishment, but this time he walked calmly down the hall, popped the bolts out of the door, and walked away with it. Believe or not, the room was silent. Then ds carefully walks out of room, quietly asks when he will get his door back. DH tells him when you get control of your anger. 3 days later the door is back, and no matter how mad he is, or what is going on, ds carefully shuts the door.
IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! I never get this kind of result. Even when i am calm, consistent and follow all the behavior mgmt rules. One friend told me that since kids are mainly around women, they respond quicker to men. He is a school principal, and gets 8 wks off every other summer. Told me that the last summer the respect thing lasted 3 weeks and then he had to get tough with his darlings too! Good Luck!
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