I am either very close to giving up or already gave up and don't know yet. I am a 31 year adult. I moved to Florida in 96 and working since. First 6 years I was very happy even though I had no life but work, the company I was working for was small. I am writing software, reading all the books about it. I had no interruptions by then, having 12 hours working days and then 3 hours reading, working out and sleeping the rest no problem. I wanted to wake up tomorrow morning and use the knowledge I got from the night before, didn't want to stop, didn't even take (felt the need to ) a vacation. 6 years later, company grew, lots of new employees, lots of new projects, lots of interruption. I couldn't handle interruption, as I am concentrated somebody walking behind me was making me loose focus. Somebody waiting next to me to ask me a question made me feel very irritated, wanted to throw them away, but never mentioned anything kept inside, interrupted myself to pay attention to them, but afterwards couldn't focus back. The not being able to focus got only worse, then the anxiety started, started feeling not accomplishing anything, less than other, being trusted and betraying the ones who trust ...
There has been months didn't get enough sleep, sweating all night, don't want to leave the bed anymore and didn't want to live. Work was a lot more than work, that was the only source of joy, feeling of accomplishment is what I need, that was my food almost. I didn't (and still don't) have a life, I don't know (feel lost) what to do when I am not working. Trying to watch a movie, few moments later forgot the names in the movie, which is ok for a bit but a while later movie starts being confusing, cannot link names/events together, even the movie (supposed to be an entertainment) becomes unbearable, starting to yawn and loose joy. Watching news similar results, the words underneath the tv driving me crazy, cut jumps on my lap loose concentration for a minute, forget that I was watching the news. Even I can keep watching for a while afterwards I don't remember anything of it, then why bother?
I can't figure out the reason of the interruptions, is it what's really going on or is it just me?
I always liked match in high school and college, had very good scores and very interested in it. What I liked was I didn't have to memorize anything and everything made sence to me. History I didn't like, geography neither, coudln't remember anything, if I read a history book in 10 minutes I would be asleep.
Driving recklesly ( car or bike ) what I enjoyed and still enjoy, makes me not think of anything but the road, I wouldn't say a word or can pay attention to anybody speaking as I am doing it.
I went to the psychiatrist, (stress isn't helping my memory, and anything started becoming stressful) couldn't explain him what my problem is, forgot. After couple of visits tried different medication, Zoloft (1 month), welbutrin (1 month), (forgot one of's name) (1 month), got frasturated gave up. Visit the doc again 2-3 months later since I didn't leave the bed anymore, prescribed effexor , seemed to work little bit, except I wasn't getting depressed nor exited. It seems like it was numming everything or making me feel nummed. I felt like (maybe couldn't) I couldn't feel anymore. Couple months later depression (I though) got cured, stopped meds. Getting little bit more projects completed (still a lot less than before) made me feel better, excited.
I didn't want to socialize, I was scared saying something and people would think I am stupid, or somebody saying me something and me not understanding. Not sure why am I little bit tone deaf or why am I not understanding. My hands or knee needs to move, the shirt makes me itchy. Socializing became more painful than I thought.
Started making stupid mistakes at work, mistakes made the big BOSS scream at me, feeling more guilty, more scared of making mistakes, more anxious, and i make more mistakes. Seems like I am only rolling downhill, and there is no downhill. I can't see that I can't get out of this rolling, keeps getting worse.
I keep promising myself about I am going to organize myself, do this, do that, but when the time comes I forget. I put notebooks everywhere, in the kitchen, bedroom, bathrooms, cars. Unless I see the notebook in front of me I forget to take a note. Sometimes what I want to write down is something so simple and decide not to write down and I forget, sometimes as I am writing down I forget.
I remember my girlfriend in college telling me "you need to enjoy the now, take it day by day, instead of enjoying only the end result only and limiting yourself". It's like came in one hear got out of the other one. Accomplishments make me feel good, and not having one makes me feel twice as bad.
People's suggestions get forgotten very quick.
2 months ago I got prescribed low dose of Ritalin and Effexor. Effexor kinda helped again but Ritalin didn't seem like. Didin't take the Ritalin for a week but kept taking Effexor, better results. Last month I got prescribed Adderal + higher dose of Effexor twice a day, better results .
I don't want to accept the fact that I am less than others, that's not what anybody tells me but that's what I feel, and it's not changing. Sometimes I can make myself believe that I can change it but withing a short time I forget and feel down. Made another mistake again at work and got yelled, Boss asked if he was right, answered "yes you are (that's really what I thought and believe that he is right)", but don't know if I can do any better. I don't trust on my judgement, carefullness anymore. Maybe I am not capable of doing my job. I feel very guilty and insufficient. Something is going on and I don't know how to seek help. I keep quiter and quiter, don't want to talk to anybody. Thinks took only 15 minutes to complete takes 4-5 hours, whole day sometimes.
I am scrolling through the source code I wrote myself, the page I just scrolled down I forgot already, need to scroll back up, on top I am asking myself why did I do this / that. Keep asking mysely what did I screw up that I don't know or what am I going to screw up next, I don't want to screw anything up but seems like I am not controlling myself.
Nobody complains about me, but me. People tell me open yourself little bit, pay interest to other things but those suggestions are not reaching me.
Don't want to have a girlfriend, thinking that I would upset anybody I am around with, don't want my sister around ( 13 years younger )thinking that I would be a bad example to her.
I have to say Adderal makes me focused, I function a lot better with it but interruptions are still not copeable. My mind is so full all the time with all these racing thoughts which take me down.
I feel very slow on coping with changes that I don't want anything changing around me, it scares me. I try to put eveything into an order, wake up, take a shower, eat something, brush teeth, drive to work, start with work a, work b, work c... But if anything gets out of schedule I get lost big time. People making jokes feels like chritisizm.
I want to be normal like others, I want to enjoy watching a football game, I want to lay in the bed on a sunday and not have any racing thoughts, feeling different the way I am I really don't like, I don't want to embarras anybody around me, I am 31 years old but being told acting very immature.
First, let me say I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like you are on the right track with the meds you are taking. It may be that you need a higher dosage or maybe something else in combination. I know it is difficult but take pleasure in the fact that you are finally getting some relief. Make sure you tell your psychiatrist all the same things you have said here as he/she is the only one who can help you make changes to your meds for the better. Please don't feel different just being on this board should tell you there are so many others just like you. ADD is a medical condition and as such needs to be treated so don't think that taking meds makes you anything but a regular person. I tend to think that the "normal" people are the ones who are different.Did you know that your disability is covered by the civil rights laws? You have the right to tell your boss that you have ADHD and need some necessary accomodations made at work. I think the first thing would be to ask for a work space or cubicle where you can work without distractions. Wear ear plugs if the noise bothers you. You know what the environment was like when you were thriving. Try to copy the parts of it that you feel made the difference.
I know there are places at www.wrightslaw.org where you can get information on your rights as a disabled employee and effective advice for going after them. Check that out first and go to any related liks they have. When you know just where you stand, then approach your employer. It sounds like you were very integral in the building up of the business, so hopefully, he will want to do what is necessary for you to continue doing the same great job. Barb
i hope everything works out for you drained! i'm also sorry that you're having such a hard time of it right now..please don't give up hope on yourself and try to give yourself some slack darling. you cannot be blamed for what is not your fault. it is only your responsibility to find out ways to compensate, cope and take responsibility. you obviously have a lot to share with the world like we all here do. so just don't give up. make sure you keep in touch with your psychiatrist and try your best to write down or keep track of the effectiveness of your drug combinations and dosages. maybe you can prioritize certain "highly" important items in your life , as you seem to be in a crisis, such as making sure you get enough sleep ( do you exercise? this may help you sleep and get some better focus) .
good luck..
sumi