My child is destroying my house~ | ADHD Information

PLEASE someone tell me how to stop this behavior! My ds (10) is destroying my house. I've waited 30+ years to have a really nice house, now my son is totally destroying it. His toy room is so bad that it SMELLS. He marks on the walls, shoves food under the furniture, throws trash in his toy box, bends the blinds backwards,he uses the light fixture as a target, and it goes on. This morning he's throwing the dogs toys for them to fetch against the newly painted walls in the living room and barely missed a lamp. He uses anything in his hand for a frisbee. He slams on the outside handle of the front door till I'm waiting for it to break off in his hand. THAT would be a quick 0 bill to replace! How do I get this behavior to stop? I reward for good behavior, though it's hard to find things to reward. I cannot help but punish bad behavior....how does anyone look away and not make a deal out of it when he's deliberately scraping the paint off the bathroom door? I've worked like a dog to paint and spruce for the last two years and he's destroying it! These doctors who say don't let it get a rise out of you, obviously don't have a child (PREteen) who is destroying their house that they've worked hard for. Please, someone in my shoes, tell me how you stop this!
Take everything out of his room, and that is where he should stay after school. No toy room video games nothing. And I mean take everything. THe only thing that should be in his room are his bed, dresser, 1 light and a book (for something to do)Show him if he cannot respect the things you have worked hard to provide than you will not provide them anymore. You must be firm, it will be hard but believe me in just a couple of days he will be board out of his mind and be turning over a new leaf. It really does work if you stick to it.Remove all things except what's necessary isn't that a little harsh. I know lots of kids who respect nothing. Ours don't. Mom gives only things she has to. ADHD or not I think emptying the room sounds like a good plan, with rewards of returns on good behavior and showing respect for things, on the understanding he loses them again if he misbehaves.

I dont think ADHD means not disciplining your child, that just seems to send entirely the wrong signals.

(edited to add: I have an 8 year old that remains healthy, happy and balanced even though she understands the concept of cause and effect == losing privileges...however, when she's in an undisciplined environment she has a huge bag of tricks with which to con unsuspecting other parents + grandparents.)

By discipline i simply mean not putting up with tantrums and standing your ground on punishments, no matter how tough it is, being consistent is also important. ADD especially enjoys structured living, without it we tend to meltdown :)

Fallen38678.3473611111I agree- remove everything. He'll have to earn things back, one at a time. It worked for us. Our son learned to respect his & our belongings. It took a little while though. That's what I did. My son lost every possession when his behavior was intolerable. He had a bed and a light only. If he misbehaved, he had to stay in his room. If he kicked the wall, a possession went from the storage area into the garbage. It took three weeks. But if you start something like that you cannot give up mid-flight or you will lose your credibility. I did that once though and really it changed behavior for a short time but not long and I took things away again and again.  My son just does not value anything that he has at this point.  Try it, be consistent above all else. 

I feel compelled to think they certainly know what they're doing.  We worked with maybe six different doctors.  Of course, they have ruled out BP (for now) based on what my questionnaire said, along with the teachers, etc.  But I still wonder if that's what's going on.  The antipsychotic Risperdal, I'm hoping is their suggestion for the mood disorder part of the dx.  The stim, is just a stim, but seems to help the impulsiveness, etc.......WHEN it's in his body.  At that time he can even actually be nice!  I know I'm his mom, but I keep my mouth shut sometimes because I'm no medical expert.  Yes, I believe in ADHD; yes, I believe in ODD; yes, I believe in ALL the dx's.....but with all that we've done for SIX years (meds, therapy, behavior mods), I see no difference in his behavior, he's just getting older.  Maybe I'm expecting too much.....and I have doctors say, "Don't expect  him to be a rocket scientist."....and I honestly, don't.  I just want him to be polite (or not hateful) in this world, smile once in awhile at something besides how he just did me in (again), and love someone, anyone.

He's not actually had brain damage ruled out, as there was no brain imaging, etc.  The first doctor we spoke with at the Clinical Learning Center, mentioned he wouldn't be surprised if he had Fetal Alcohol Effects.  So????  I guess the treatment would be no different.

lillian, have a really nice holiday.  We're staying in sunny Houston!  And you??

Hey, Devoted .  I'm curious...Has your son had brain damage ruled out?  I would be very curious with the Coordination Developmental Disorder.  He's got a lot of stuff going on in that dx. 

You are the best mom, and dealing with this behavior everyday has got to be tough.  I don't have any advice, but I want to send a lot of  your way. 

My son has been very destructive at times (he's 15 now) and it's so hard for the parents to watch - i really feel for you. We found he tended to destroy his own room in temper tantrums when he didn't get his own way- the furniture is now a mess -there are holes in the wall where he punched it -  he calmed down on meds for the last 18 months but now has deteriorated a little again - try to keep a calm voice and not get too involved in long arguments - say what you have to say and end the conversation by physically walking away - sometimes our son will be angry with our initial decision but when he has calmed down will accept it. Hang on in there - you're not on your own!!!

lillian, the "official" dx from TX Children's Hospital is severe ADHD, ODD, Coordination Developmental Disorder, Mood Disorder.  The Focalin XR seems to do wonderfully, but ya know, NO child has meds in them 24/7.  The off hours are a total nightmare for anyone/anything in his path.  I have so much trouble ignoring him pulling the hair on our dogs (Yorkies), throwing things at the wall, jumping on the furniture, etc.  HE'S TEN, not five!!!  Yesterday I kept him in the house with me for the entire day as punishment for his severe defiance in the morning  (he's out of school this week for holiday), but of course, all that did was make my day a living he$$.  Surely there's a time in the life of these children that they stop this.  I can't believe that a grown young man at the age of maybe fifteen, would jump on the furniture, etc.  I just wonder when it stops....or even slows down.  OMG, I'm sooooo tired of the constant defiance....and I'm not kidding, it's literally with EVERY word I utter, he has a comback.  He just pretends I haven't said a word and goes right ahead and does or says whatever it is that his little heart desires.  Sorry for the vent....I need a good cry. 

Devoted,

I'm going to say one more thing, then I've got to get my bags packed and get out of here . 

I am from Houston, as you know, and I've always recommended parents take their kids to Children's, but your experience there has begun to change my mind.  This is just from my heart...I am nowhere near being a doctor or any kind of health professional, but your son's dx is, well, hmmmm...I don't even know how to put it.  Unclear?  Unhelpful?  Odd?  Do you feel the same way I do about this?  Have you found that getting this dx has helped you better deal with your son's issues at home and at school?  Did the doctors give you any advice as to what to do? Severe ADHD can be hard enough to handle, but along with ODD, Mood Disorder, and Coordination Developmental Disorder???  I'm not surprised he's tearing up the house.  I would think you would need an OT or someone like that to come into the home and help you set it up in such a way that he has "boundaries."  KWIM?

[QUOTE=NoTellin]That's what I did. My son lost every possession when his behavior was intolerable. He had a bed and a light only. If he misbehaved, he had to stay in his room. If he kicked the wall, a possession went from the storage area into the garbage. It took three weeks. But if you start something like that you cannot give up mid-flight or you will lose your credibility. [/QUOTE]

I agree.  But use a calm tone of voice.  What you want him to notice is that he has nothing and won't until his behavior changes.
Did you ever get the official dx from Children's on your son?

The toy room has got to go.  I don't know how much you've got in there but simply having it may be overstimulating.  I agree with storing toys and getting rid of toys when behavior warrants.  He helps you clean up the toy room, as in when it's completely empty.  He washes walls and vacuums.

For a long time I kept my child's toys in the linen closet.  Everything had a place on a shelf.  It kept the toys out of their rooms and out of any of the living spaces.  You don't have to store linen in a linen closet.  One toy out at a time.  No exceptions.  Any toy with a ton of small parts was GONE.  I didn't have enough patience to keep up with all the legos.

My child was a food stasher too.  Didn't want to eat it or finish it or whatever, it got put behind something.  He doesn't get to eat without supervision anymore unless he can take the food outside.  Meals got smaller but they got higher calorie.  He was made to clean up after any food I found...immediately.  It's not like I was feeding the kid food he didn't like either.  If it wasn't exactly what he wanted he wouldn't eat it, even if it were his ultimate favorite, Burger King.  Invest in bugspray because for every one food stash you found you can bet there are three others you haven't.  My son would even try leaving the table with a mouthful of food to spit out somewhere.  No leaving the table without swallowing.

I also had to remove the closet doors from my child's room and put his bed in the center of the room, the headboard against a wall.  Blinds were removed.  He can't stash things in a corner with the bed in the center of the room.  I can easily check the state of his closet for stashing.  Replacing the blinds were a simple curtain placed on the type of rod you'd use in the shower.  If that rod came down it didn't tear up the wall like an installed rod.  I never worried about the light fixture, it was a 5 dollar hunk of glass.

I had a place in my house my boy could sit if he was acting out.  It had absolutely nothing in it.  He sat by a door (steel, couldn't pick at it) on linoleum and destimulated.  It was in view of where I was because leaving him alone wouldn't have been good.

Becky

OMG, Becky.......and we actually LIVE like that.  WHAT has this world come to?  Is it safe to say that you're worn to a frazzle just like I am??

TX Children's Hospital called me this morning.  We're changing doses on meds AND she's signing us up for a Research/Experimental therapy called S.M.A.R.T Therapy.  It lasts approx. 12 weeks and works with the parents to dole out to the children.  We'll see.  Then she told ME I needed my own therapy to help with my stress level.....(ya think???).

I'm living less like that day by day. 

This school year something has just clicked.  He's got a sixth grade teacher with a lot of patience and a degree in psychology. (6th is still in elementary here.  The teacher decided he didn't want to be a psychologist.)  He seems overall a happier person.  Time spent by the door is nowhere near where it was.  He responds well to Strattera though he still has some impulse issues.  Right now he's picking at a cold sore and it's gotten large, earlier this summer it was chewing on his lip until it was incredibly swollen.

I honestly don't know where or why or how it happened.  Maybe it's growing up.  This school year we've had one homework issue...ONE...compared to multiple and daily issues with completing and handing in homework for years.  Because of this he earned the privelege of hosting a Halloween party.  Seven kids were invited and five showed.  He's had social issues (the lying, the know it all-isms) that seem to be abating.  I talk to his teacher weekly instead of three times a week or more.

And...he's been allowed back onto the computer.  An activity he LOVES which I couldn't allow him because of the constant homework and lying issues.  Computer is monitored and timed still though.

Next year is junior high.  We'll see how that goes.  Two dynamics are going to make this interesting.  First is that the school is a junior/senior high combination with 7th and 8th grades in one wing and 9th-12th in the other.  (rural school)  Second is that my husband, his dad, is a teacher at the highschool.  I'm dreading the emergence of acne as he's a picker.

I can relate to the food in the toy box.  Just removed a partially eaten sandwich from under the bed and something unrecognizable from under the couch! 

I have no solutions but sounds like you need some time out for yourself.  How about hiring a college student (male?) to come everyday or a couple times a week to act as a babysitter, get your son involved in activities outside the house, and give yourself a break?

It could be your son and his sitter's job to walk the dog every evening and play Frisbee with it at the park.  Or, sitter and son could toss a few softballs, go to the movies, play X-box together, go to cub scouts together, go to the video arcade, etc. 

Ds can't be destroying the house if he's not in it or if closely supervised and you would have some time to recharge your own batteries.  I know this does not completely solve your problem but perhaps something along these lines would give you some respite. 

       

I totally agree,  he doesn't deserve anything.  the scary thing is that this is real life and sooner or later this kids going to grow up and not respect the authorities above and beyond his parents.

I recently went to my sisters house in another state.   she has zero tolerance.  My son thought that he could just throw things around when he lost his temper.   NOT!!!!  She kicked his *&!@%&* outside.  No shoes, no coat.   In zero degree weather.  That straightened him out real quick. 

You HAVE TO BE HARSH!! WITH HARSH PUNISHMENTS. WHAT IS GOING TO SAVE HIM WHEN HE STARTS DAMAGING OTHERS PROPERTY AND YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR IT?  MY 8 YEAR OLD SON HAS ADHD , ODD, AND PERVASIVE DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER, I HAD TO GROUND HIM FROM TRICK OR TREATING.  THAT KILLED ME TO DO IT.  BUT I KNOW THAT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR HIS FUTURE.

I believe in tough love, take things away he is distrutive to and tell him he wont get another one till he learns not to destroy it. Or get him toys from the dollar store or 2nd hand store that isen't costly. I'm afraid you'll have to constantly keep on him about cleaning up the room. Don't let him eat in there! There must be limits. Don't give him any drinks with red dye, it's a stimulant. Not a lot of chocolate or candy and sugary sweets, give him protiens and fruits. And throw a air feshner in there. Kids are kids and they play hard and boys like to be distructive can he play outside? If not take him to the mall and walk and walk and walk. Oh yes, and cut back on the tube!

I would not take everything away from him.  That seems extreme and cruel.  It does not sound like your kid is being rotten on purpose.  When he throws things against the wall and makes scuff marks- make him get out the soapy water and magic eraser and wash the wall.  Tell him to go OUTSIDE with the dog and a frisbee and he can go wild out there but no throwing anything in the house.  Then maybe taking one thing away at a time when he disregards a rule would be more appropriate.  Give hime the chance to earn it back by following all the rules for X days.  Pick your battles with him- all kids mess stuff up sometimes- that's their job.

My 2 cents- not sure if it is right for your situation but I wish you good luck.

This plan on taking it all out of the room has actually been in some of the Strong Willed Child books that I have read in the past. I have tried that before and it really didn't work, but it was also during the time of figuring out what meds worked best for our daughter. Being that your child is 10 and probably has been on his meds for quite sometime, I believe this is the best method you have at this time. And like the books say, they have to earn back their toys, movies, games, etc. Start with the small rewards first.  Try this, you give him a toy as a reward and he completely disregards the rules the next day, the toy goes back in the box. Don't let him keep it or he has won.

I wish you the best. It's a difficult task to endure, but one that is needed at times. I know many people who have used this method with their children, so don't feel like a bad mother for doing this.
bump.... bump  yes i can relate to the broken house and feel for you, list all the actions that are taking place and work through them with positive praise, when there is somthing good happing try to praies this use a rewards system for good actions and take time out, its hard work