Possible divorce due to adhd step-son | ADHD Information
Well, I can't seem to get any support on the home front so I am counting on someone out there who may understand my position.
My husband and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years, but just recently married (mid nov.). We have a wonderful 4 year old son together, but he is not the problem. To be quite honest, he is to perfect. My step-son is 8 1/2 and tearing this family apart. We almost didn't get married because of him and now we have talked multiple times of divorce because of him. Here's the deal...
We have rules at our house. Rules that a four year old can remember and follow. When you come in the house, you take your shoes off and go hang your coat up. When your done eating, you ASK to be excused and when you are, you put your dishes in the sink and push your chair in. You pick up your toys that you have been playing with before you get something else out. Be nice, STOP ARGUING and stop trying to have the last word. For the most part, that's about it. The rules haven't changed in the five years he's been here. We have him for five days and then his mother has him for five days.
Recently his behavior has gotten worse. I try to tell my husband but he makes it all out to me my fault. He says that I "sit on a perch and just wait for him to do something wrong so that I can yell at him". The only time he validates that his son's behavior has worsened is when the teacher calls or the sitter calls or when his ex-wife calls with complaints of the same behavior. It is very frustrating. My step-son totally ignores me when I ask/tell him to do something. If he doesn't ignore me, I get dirty looks like you would not believe. He is not a very good role model for our four year old son, plus we are due again in March. He has been on concerta for a couple years and it's not helping. I told my husband that for over a year, but it wasn't until the teacher said the same thing that he accepted it. They tried a concerta strattera mix and things got way worse. Now we are back to just concerta which does nothing anyways.
The kicker is, is that my husband wants me to "babysit" my step-son all the time to save money on a sitter. I tried this last summer and almost had a nervous break down and refuse to do it anymore. He says I am trying to force his son from his home and that if I can't handle him, we have not business being married. I tell him that I don't think he's my responsibility. I will take care of him and deal best I can with the situation on the days that we have him, but I'll be damned to put myself through that stress when it's his mothers days to have him. I feel like they dump him on me just to save money. And I get no support from my husband, he says that I'm the adult, that I have to deal with it. But how can I deal with it with no backing from him. He lays NONE of the blame of this situation on his son, and he's the one that has the disorder.
As you can see I could go on for hours....I need some insight. I asked him to go to counseling, he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no. I don't see us lasting much longer. At 7 1/2 months pregnant my hormones are working overtime anyways. Sometimes divorce seems better than all the arguing. We never argue about anything expect his son. I just want the son to be accountable and my husband to acknowledge that this situation is difficult for me.
help.
[QUOTE=leigh33]Well, I can't seem to get any support on the home front so I am counting on someone out there who may understand my position. I will try - but I will also be honest!
We have a wonderful 4 year old son together, but he is not the problem. To be quite honest, he is to perfect. No one is perfect! My step-son is 8 1/2 and tearing this family apart. We have rules at our house. Rules that a four year old can remember and follow. It would appear that you are comparing these boys and this is wrong. They have nothing in common, he is from a broken marriage and your son is with both his biological parents. Dont Compare.
When you come in the house, you take your shoes off and go hang your coat up. fair enough
When your done eating, you ASK to be excused and when you are, you put your dishes in the sink and push your chair in. fair enough
You pick up your toys that you have been playing with before you get something else out. This is a very hard one to learn!
Be nice, STOP ARGUING and stop trying to have the last word. Perhaps he does not feel heard - not everyone has the ability to shut up - especially people with ADHD. This is very hard for people with ADHD - as we have a huge sense of justice and need to have our say.
For the most part, that's about it. The rules haven't changed in the five years he's been here. We have him for five days and then his mother has him for five days. Well if nothin has changed in 5 years perhaps it is time to reevaluate the situation. If it does not work - change it. Talk to the boy and ask what he has issues with and reach a compromise.
I try to tell my husband but he makes it all out to me my fault. He says that I "sit on a perch and just wait for him to do something wrong so that I can yell at him". Is this true? It could be! You do sound a bit pedantic.
The only time he validates that his son's behavior has worsened is when the teacher calls or the sitter calls or when his ex-wife calls with complaints of the same behavior. It is very frustrating. You need to stop and ask yourself why your hubby is not listening to you. Do you hen peck, do you constantly find fault and not good, are you a negative person with regards to this boy. I would not listen to you either, if the only thing that came out of your mouth about my son was negative. That is natural. Imagine if someone was doing that about your son. Saying - he is such a good kid, no kid is like that, maybe he is a bit autisitic or weird, maybe he is gay or a sissy boy. It is not nice is it. Whether it is true or not - parents do not want to hear all the negative especially from their partners, they want solutions not problems. They want support, not lack of support.
My step-son totally ignores me when I ask/tell him to do something. If he doesn't ignore me, I get dirty looks like you would not believe. Like I said before - why are they ignoring you - perhaps you fight too many battles that are not that important, perhaps you need to learn to save your energy and breath for the important issues.
He is not a very good role model for our four year old son, plus we are due again in March. It is not his job to be a role model. It is your husbands role to be the male role model for your 4.5 year old
He has been on concerta for a couple years and it's not helping. I told my husband that for over a year, but it wasn't until the teacher said the same thing that he accepted it. They tried a concerta strattera mix and things got way worse. Now we are back to just concerta which does nothing anyways. Perhaps he needs to be reassessed completely. Perhaps it is not ADHD but something else going on for him. Perhaps he has depression also.
The kicker is, is that my husband wants me to "babysit" my step-son all the time to save money on a sitter. I hate that term used by step parents - you are not a baby sitter, you are a parent of that child. You married this man knowing the situation and therefore took on the role of Step Mother - mother being the important part of the title. Not step-baby sitter. I tried this last summer and almost had a nervous break down and refuse to do it anymore. What did he do to create this serious problem for you
He says I am trying to force his son from his home and that if I can't handle him, we have not business being married. Well this is where you remind him you also share a child and that is why you are still married. I tell him that I don't think he's my responsibility He is not your responsibility as such, but you can choose to be a supportive role model in his life, and this carries responsibility. Marrying your husband, gave you this responsibility. So in a way he is your responsibility also. I will take care of him and deal best I can with the situation on the days that we have him, but I'll be damned to put myself through that stress when it's his mothers days to have him. I feel like they dump him on me just to save money. You are so angry and negative, it is hard to feel sympathy for you. Are you always like this or are you just having a vent. Honestly this boy does not sound that bad, I think you need to point out some of his serious offences for me to feel you have it that bad.
And I get no support from my husband, he says that I'm the adult, that I have to deal with it. But how can I deal with it with no backing from him. He lays NONE of the blame of this situation on his son, and he's the one that has the disorder. Your husband is right, he cannot help you with your relationship with his son, and the poor man is stuck in the middle. It is up to you as the adult in the relationship to reach out to this boy and start a relationship. It will take your whole lifetime (if you hang around) to discover everything about this boy. It is a journey and it is beautiful, you just need to see how!
As you can see I could go on for hours....I need some insight. I asked him to go to counseling, he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no. I don't see us lasting much longer. At 7 1/2 months pregnant my hormones are working overtime anyways. I would suggest not making any life changing decisions for another year - as yes hormones do make us think strangely. Sometimes divorce seems better than all the arguing. We never argue about anything excect his son. THEN STOP ARGUING!!!!!!! It is that simple!
I just want the son to be accountable and my husband to acknowledge that this situation is difficult for me. If you stop trying to make these men be this way - it will happen naturally, keep pushing them though and you will just push them out the door.
help I hope I havent upset you too much, but I felt honesty was the best help I could give..
[/QUOTE] Rae7038352.0261226852My initial reaction after reading the message is, . . . sorry but you are at fault. Maybe you can't see it but I think most of us can. Life isn't perfect, kids don't always put their toys away. At 4 yea, maybe it works now but don't expect it to work when the child is eight.You need a family therapist.
Once you married this man , you became another childs step-parent not babysitter(that line alone spoke volumes). This child needs your love & understanding. He needs you to understand that many of his behaviors are NOT inteneded to get you angry, NOT done on purpose, they are very much a part of ADHD, & until you understand this you will not get anywhere & will continue to hurt an already hurting child.
It is hard enough to have your parents divorce, hard enough to have ADHD, but to have both without a sympathetic, understanding step parent must be extremely hard on this poor boy.
With the family therapist you will learn to understand ADHD, how it will effect you, him, school, how to help him & dicipline him, how to gain control back in your home without this boy constantly being in trouble. He will learn coping skills & how to get along with his peers. It will also allow the boy to get out what he needs to regarding the divorce, & his relationships with you, his Mom & Dad.
The one thing you can count on is if you do get a divorce your ex will stand by his children & that makes for a very admirable role model for all the children.
csmommy38352.2932060185Well I can see that I may have made a mistake by asking for support, when I guess no support is warranted. I was very angry, and attempting to reach out, when the message was posted. Yet another mistake I take it.
Let me add this to the picture. My step-son and I used to get along quite grand. That was before the CONSTANT arguing. He is not in our house 5 minuets before he starts in. Not only with me, but his father and our 4 year old. Our days here at our house are so peaceful and easy going when my step-son is at his mothers. I am the one who has read a few books, did research on line and actually met with his child psycologist, not his father. I want to understand, I want to help, but he doesn't give me the opportunity. He is so hateful. Screaming at the top of his lungs at his father to the point where I have went and gotten my son and brought him into my room and closed the door and turned the tv up loud so he was not exposed to that kind of behavior. I take my step-son to school every morning that we have him. EVERY morning he starts an arguement with his father.....dad gets so angry that he ends up lashing out, step-son creates more drama than is neccessary....all while my son quitely stands by and watches. Then we have to listen to him all the way to school - 20 minuets or so. Makes for a GREAT start to our day.
I get no backing here at home, that's why I sought this sight out. My husband critizises me in front of my step-son and never backs me up on any dicission that I make reguarding his son. But he never opens his mouth, or even turns around when it's a dicision about our son. And yes, I am his step-mother I should watch him, that's why I put "babysitting" in quotes. But when I am spending more time with the child than either partent put together and getting no support from either one, something is definately wrong.
I can see that I came to the wrong place. But you are right about one thing, I definately need counseling.
"I can see that I came to the wrong place. "
I do understand that feeling when someone upsets your world, it sucks. But, like the poster before me said; you bought that when you decided to marry a man with a child. That's why people avoid marrying people with children, it's a lot of headache to inherit.
As you can see I could go on for hours....I need some insight.
You got some insight, it just wasn't what you wanted to hear. Go back and read rea message. If the husband won't deal with the issue then you will have to do what you have to do.
Leigh it is understandable what you are feeling, we all feel this way at times. Sometimes we are driven to almost feeling resentment for our own bio kids, so I can understand you as a step parent reaching this point.
I guess what we are trying to say is that this situation is not doomed, it is saveable. It just requires a change of attitude on your behalf.
The first thing you need to accept is that you cannot change Your husband. He is who he is and expecting him to change will only lead to further frustration than you have. You loved this man enough to marry him - focus on those good points that you were attracted to originally.
We all go through this, it is not that we are critisising you, we do understand, it is just that we dont necessarily agree with your attitude.
This attitude is not just because of your feelings towards your step son, but it is also feelings of being alone, because your hubby is not supporting you the way you wish to be supported, also, you are about to have your 2nd child and with that goes 100 different emotions.
I know when I was having my second child, I was feeling things like guilt, because I was tired and grumpy and couldnt spend quality time with my first child. I was scared that this next child would take more time away from me and the other child. There were lots of feelings all mixed up and confusing and overwhelming, and I felt guilty about having these thoughts. I also had depression during this period.
When having all these emotions, it is hard to feel close to our partners, and sometimes our partners, dont know how to handle us either and withdraw further.
What I would like to see for you is some time with just you and hubby. Is there a possibility that you two could just go away together for a w/e without the kids. And promise each other not to talk about the kids, but just to focus on yourselves.
You need to reconnect with each other. I think if you started to just work on your relationship with your hubby, then he will probably begin to open up again. Dont work on changing him, work on changing yourself to being the best wife/mum you can be, and he will probably lighten up also
The thing we forget in life, is that the relationship between MUM and DAD is the basis for a happy family. If you two are not happy, no one will be.
I think that perhaps the step son has a lot of issues also regarding being the odd kid out. It perhaps would have been easier if he had had a full blooded sibling to share this situation with. But he is alone. He is probably worried about being even less important when the new baby arrives and perhaps is very angry with his Dad for leaving him. Abandonment for boys is a very big issue, it is a very strong emotion for boys in this situation.
I do feel for you Leigh, but I feel you have the power here to help yourself. I dont think it will happen overnight, but if you focus on what you do have and not what you dont have - I think you will be a lot happier.
Let us take a moment, and consider the 150,000 people who have just drowned and the 1 million plus that are homeless and affected by disease and starvation this very moment, in Asia
You need to take a look at your healthy family and your home and the fact that Xmas dinner was on the table for you and be appreciative. This may help with perspective.
I know it has for me, we are very thankful for what we have, and we have much less than yourself atm, but I know we have the world, when I turn on that TV and see what others are really suffering with.
Food for thought.
As the custodial parent to one child (with ADD) and remarried with another child, I have to say that I understand the trials my husband goes thru as a step parent....meaning he has all the basic responsibility as a parent but gets none of the credit (and none of the legal standing). And I know it bothers him tremendously that this is the case. However, he married me with a child. And I am glad he did because he is a great step parent...great parent - period. Step parenting is the most heart wrenching unappreciated jobs, even more so than motherhood. At least with motherhood, your child is your child. With step parenting, you have no say, no standing and no respect.
I also want to say that the 5 day - 5 day arrangement is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Nobody can live like that. Certainly not a child. No wonder he has such a hard time with rules and stability if he is living like this. Honestly, I would seek a better option for him. Why cant he live full time with his mother or with his father and then do weekend visitation. He should not have to live like that. I really believe it is harmful, especially at his age when he is in school, etc. I cannot believe for one second that any sane judge OKed this arrangement.
Good luck! But I wouldnt blame an 8 yr old for a divorce. You arent married to him.
Leigh,
I cannot believe! It seems i'm reading my own story! Obviously there are differences,
I have read these messages for the last hour or more and i guess i am trying to share my expirience and find support by reading other people's stories, for having decided to end my marriage. I lived for 4 years with my husband and his 2 sons from previous relationship. The youngest one, now 11, has been diagnosed with ADHD combined type and after reading all these messages i'm positive he also have ODD. I've been envolved with them as if they were my own children in every aspect of their lifes and therefore i noticed the symptoms of ADHD but did not know how to bring it up with my hubby. He seemed to think i was trying to find wrong things in otherwise perfect kids! Little i realised he was being ignorant to the whole thing... I read all books i could find on step-families, step-relationships, etc.
Visited different organisations on counseling and family therapy, parental classes, courses, etc. None of which would be effective without his presence too! He clearly stated no need for that and that eventhough his son was already on Ritalin, that was just to enhance his performance at school!!!!!!!!!!Duuuh!!
At some point I decided to turn a blind eye to all because i was turning into a nagging witch and making my own life miserable.....
It all changed when i fell pregnant with my daughter who now is 15months. I am aware that in many cases you can trace back the gene from one of parents and now more than ever i am sure my husband have it as well but for proud, shame or something else he prefers to deny it rather than confront, learn about it and get help.
My daughter is my responsibility more than my stepchildren and trying to take it all by myself was making me terribly unhappy, lonely, unemotional yet too emotional. I realised i was jeopardising my relationship with my daughter for the other ones.
Since I left i recovered my self- esteem, I can smile again and i am happier with myself and with my daughter. She is a very healthy and happy toddler. As for my husband and the boys, well the latest is that he took the boy off the drug because the kid says he feels fine he doesn't need to take any medication.....and to my husband their boys are just perfectly, they are only victims in all situations and only the others around are the bullies, and mean and so on.
Worse part is I cannot stop feeling pity for the whole situation. I feel i did really made the effort even went on counseling on my own and with him (couple of times - turned out he called the counseller a jerk, stupid and so on!!!). I do care for the boys and care for him. He don't want to understand my views,his family does not believe me with all the atrocities i lived trough with those boys, with their disrespect and the lack of suppport from my husband.
(Funny is nobody wants to trade places with me and live with them where i was living!!!)
Sorry this has been too long, but it is good to get it out of my chest, share my experiences and see people are going through similar situations. Take care and good luck. Happy New Year!
Ana
I just wanted to pipe in with my two supporting cents.....I feel your pain as I am a step of an 8 year-old boy with ADHD. I realize that you think you are at your breaking point, unfortunately, only someone in your shoes can understand how you feel and what you are going through. I am in your shoes.
Everyone is pointing out how you are making his life miserable and making things worse....you are not doing this....your husband is doing this. Marrying a man with children is not a bad thing and if it didn't happen, most people would be single parents, alone and with kids, because the divorce rate is 50%. You didn't do anything wrong......keep in mind and repeat to yourself...not your child, not your problem. It is your husbands and his exs job to raise this child, and either accept or not accept his behavior and issues.....not yours. The only area that you can control is your own.....you need to set boundaries for what behavior you will accept in your home and what behavior you will not accept. You need to disengage from the situation, but inform your spouse and your SS that is what you will be doing. I know it sounds very difficult and it is, but it is a way to save your sanity. If you husband loves you the way he should and puts you as a priority then things will start to fall into place, if not then you are no worse off then when you started.
First and foremost, figure out what it is that you want from this relationship with your SS....do you want mutual respect and understanding as an example. Then firgure out what you expect from this relationship...you all get along or at least pretend to as an example. Then figure out your boundaries, set them and prepare to defend them. For example, I will not tolerate disrespect from my SS in my home and I expect that he be disciplined for bad behavior that affects me or my other child. I have outlined examples to my husband and he is quick to take care of these issues. Then, share this new lifestyle with your husband and his child. Then the hard part comes.....let it all go. Do not discipline, do not babysit, do not say a word unless it crosses your boundaries and then speak calmly and clearly...say you outlined how things were going to go and repeat what the consequences were.
You are not there to raise your husbands child. You have no legal rights to this child and no legal responsibilities. Put the raising back in the hands of his parents. This sounds harsh but I really encourage you to give it a try, it makes my life easier, my husband and my SS both respect me more than when I was a ranting lunatic and my husband values my opinion about ADHD because it is clear that I am not trying to drive a wedge, I am actually encouraging him to be a parent to his child and trying to give him that opportunity. ADHD can also cause the other children in the house to take second seat...that's not fair and this way my child gets love and attention as well. The poster that said do not compare the children is right, but in a mom/stepmoms heart, there is a difference.....don't feel bad about it, just do your best to love your stepchild. I also would suggest that you check out a great forum called steptogether.com...it has wonderful resources about disengaging and it is a wonderful support for steps....supportive!
Good luck. Keep your side of the street clean. Set you boundaries. Be strong. Things will work out for the best, whatever that turns out to be. You are not a prisoner in your own home and you are not at everyone's beck and call, you deserve respect. Don't walk on eggshells and put the responsibility for this child back in the hands of his parents. I hope you find more support than some people have been able to offer.
I can see your point!!!!Sorry to anyone that doesn't agree with me but I do! From what I read, your son is well mannered and follows directions well (I am sure not all of the time! But he does for the better part!) Your step son has some problems, and rightfully so! he is going from one household of rules to another every five days and that is really hard for anyone let alone an 8 year old! You have your rules to your home and you are right to enforce them. When I send my kids to another childs home to play, I expect them to abide by their rules without fussing or complaining because that is the rules of THEIR home! It is called respect!
Now! to kind of go off topic a bit! Try to look at it from your husbands point of view! Imagine that your son was the "step son" in some other womans home, and he is having a lot of problems adjusting, on top of that, he has a step brother that is "perfect". Your son starts over reacting to situations and talks back. Rather than having an understanding ear, the step mom is telling your son that he is doing wrong! How would you expect your husband to react in that situation? Seriouly? This is not a right or wrong question!
Family therapy is a great idea! But here is another one! I think that you and your husband need to set up a meeting with your step sons mother and step father if there is one. You all need to sit down and agree to certain rules that should be combined in both house holds. You may have to give up a few of your rules in exchange for some of your big ones, but that is what you sign up for marrying into a combined family.
Basically what I am saying is that I think the problem is that this boy needs routine! because right now he goes from one home where the rules are relaxed to a home that has set rules that are made by you. This makes you look like the jerk in his eyes and he is going to take it out on you. Your husband sympathizes with him because he knows that his son is torn between to homes with different rules.
Also, it wouldn't hurt for you to be the good guy! Maybe taking a day or 2 out of the month to just do something that he enjoys doing alone with him just to let him see that you are a really fun person as well! Even as adults we respect people that we enjoy the company of
I wish you luck! You are in a pretty rough spot! If all the parents of this child can communicate like adults... then things will work themselves out:)
I admire you reaching out. I can't help but to express a couple of thoughts...please don't take anyone's posts too badly. Most of us are ADD and have had to deal with people reacting harshly and critically and your complaints may strike a chord with some of us.
I feel for your situation and your wanting to express yourself and the frustration you must have. I even understand it. Emotions seem to be running high in the house and my initial thought is you MUST get into family counseling. First, anyone dealing with hard core ADD from an outsiders point of view is not clinically prepared for it when they jump into the deep end of the ADD pool. The right therapist should have experience with ADD and blended families. A therapist can boil off the emotions and deal with the core issues...clinically. I can't help but to read your post and feel you are "blaming" this child for his inability to react to his drugs, his disease and his inability to deal with some very adult issues.
I also feel bad for the ADD child. Combine ADHD with a divorce, step parents that you admit aren't getting along and throw in a favored child (the perfect one) and a custody schedule that really doesn't allow for consistent structure (a must for an ADD child) and a new baby WOW--he must be completely out of control... Adults would have a hard time expressing themselves constructively in this situation and when this person is an 8 yo kid ADD or not they are not emotionally equipped and they express their anger the only way they know how....childishly and viciously.
I will keep your family in my thoughts and hope that things don't get said and done that everyone will regret later on...divorce...ugly words etc.
Wow, I hope she logs back in to read all of the posts...
My only advise is the poor child didnt develop adhd in the last 2 months, you married a man that had a family before you another child with issues that you knew about prior to marrying him, having his babies.
It is heart wrenching to hear you say not my child not my problem....my mother bailed my half sister out of jain on easter (many years ago) not her child but her husbands child there for her problem
Also I fell that you are comparing apples to oranges with your children remember you 8 year old has ADHD and it is harder for them to remember rules or other small things that seem so easy to us, I have to remember that that my 6 year old with adhd needs to be reminded to put his dish in the sink, say thank you, be nice to other children..but my 7 year old knows ot get up with his plate ect.
sometimes it is easier to step down a few steps to understand the disorder and remember that he didnt ask to be born, for his parents to split up for his dad to get remarried, have half sisters/brothers...have ADHD.. but because of this he may need more understanding, patients, love and as his parent and yes i say his parent because your husband is an all inclusive vacation even if you dont want to go diving it is included...
He could also be feeling a bit forgotten..dad has a new family and step mom doesnt want him..
I have a comment too. You're newly married, expecting a baby, have a 4 year old of your own and the 8 year old has to adjust to A LOT right now. If I was being introduced to all this, I'd be a bit out of whack too (and I dont have adhd). Imagine going through all this at the age of 8 AND have your biological folks divorced too. There's nothing like having fond memories of your 'real' folks when they were together. Of course, YOU are the bad guy here, not YOU personally, but it seems like there's a lot of finger pointing in this family and their pointing at you (and here comes your defense mechanism and you question your relationship). There's NO doubt that it'd be tough for an 8 year old to deal with all this AND have 2 sets of rules, one at his bio moms and one at your home. I wouldn't doubt he dislikes you just because 'you stole dad away from mom' (even though you didn't, it probably seems like it to him).
It's not even the point that he's ADHD, it is the point that he's a KID and has to adjust to this new lifestyle AND the emotions he has, along with your emotions now too. He may even sense that the 4 year old is apparantly 'perfect' in your eyes. I'd pretty much hate you too if I felt all this.
I've learned something that I don't believe was mentioned here. DON'T POINT FINGERS.... EVER. It won't get you anywhere. "You always do this" or "He always does that". I don't blame you for feeling how you feel and i don't think a lot of the responses should be that aggressive towards you. This lifestyle is new to you too and you shouldn't be guilty or angry for the way you feel. It's natural feelings. You're new to this marriage and lifestyle. Find something that works, lay off things that don't really matter. And, FYI, there's a TON of 8 year olds that are not good examples for kids 1/2 their age. You're 4 year old will find all this out once in school... and more. You'll be surprised at what he picks up in school. Save your marriage and change things before this new baby comes along. It'll be a life changing event for all of you.
And, yes, I've heard of the divorce rate at 50% also. My mom (who's married to my dad for almost 50 years) once said to me "It's easier to divorce and move on than it is to work things out and stay." So true, mom.
I've also learned from this site that people tend to NOT side with the comments you make, but just give different views than what you have. You can't take this advice and follow all of it, you have to do what is right for your family. Talk to your husband when the kids aren't around. Communication is the way to the heart (not chocolate).
I can tell that my theory behind stepping hit a few chords. I have been in this situation for many years and I have had much experience with being a step-parent. If your husband has accepted his children from the start that is wonderful and that you have had no major issues is also wonderful. When you are being blindsided by the bio-mom constantly and she has insisted that she does not want you involved in the raising of her child, and the step-child has difficulty adjusting to so many different changes, and as in the poster's case you don't get support from your husband....then my humble advice would be to disengage. This situation is going from bad to worse and it is best for all involved for the poster to focus on taking care of her responsibilities and allowing her husband to parent his own child. I think what was missed is that this particular step-mom has taken over for the bio-dad in the raising of this child and it is causing her nothing but grief....she takes him to appointments, she is trying to get him settled, she "babysits" and is forced to no less by both bio-mom and bio-dad. She cannot legally get this child help....can your husband make medical decisions for his steps wihtout their bio-dad or you being involved....no, unless he has adopted them. Can your husband make school decisions without you or your ex agreeing...no. You support your husband, whereas the poster's husband does not support her. She is beating her head against a brick wall and you all tell her that she must continue to do so because she married a man with children......phoooeyy! I am in her shoes and I have lived by both sides of the coin.
When I met my husband, my step-son was nearly two years-old....too young to be diagnosed with ADHD. I have been with this child for the majority of his life and I have watched as the signs and symptoms of ADHD have appeared. I recognized them well before his mom or even his dad did. I pointed out my concerns and suggested to my DH that we get him into couseling to handle all the major changes in his life, us getting married, a new home, blended families as a whole. My DH and I started him in counseling and then his bio-mom pulled him out despite our concerns. He did not get any help for his ADHD until this year (he is 8) despite constant urging from me and nothing but discension from his bio-mom. My DH couldn't legally get him help without her agreement, and I certainly could do nothing at all. I might add that the connor's scale wasn't even given to me to fill out, despite the fact that I live in the household with the child and am considered a parent. Now we can't even guarantee that this child gets his prescribed medication or that he goes to his scheduled counseling sessions. This has caused undo stress in our marriage. Having an ADHD child causes stress in any marriage. Spouses don't always agree about the best course of action. So I am letting the poster know that she doesn't have to let this eat at her marriage or her family and she does have control over her lot in life. She can voice her opinion about her step-son, but who is going to listen to her? As I pointed out, this is her husbands problem. I have a wonderful relationship with my step-son because I learned early on and recognized that he did not want or need someone to start problems in his already chaotic life. Everyone is pointing out that he is already on a rollercoaster, so why should the poster continue to add to that stress by interjecting her step-self into situations that really don't concern her, where her input is not wanted (by her husband or the bio-mom), and frankly her input is not needed. It would be wonderful if they wanted her opinion, but they don't...so why should she continue to subject herself to emotional abuse and neglect by her husband over this issue just because she married a man with a child. Not her child, not her problem. He has a mother and a father, she is gravy to his situation. She can be supportive and helpful by closing her mouth.
Everyone needs to set boundaries for what they can handle and I am saddened to hear that she doesn't deserve to be treated with respect and she is to tolerate poor behavior because she married a man with a child. Unfortunately, that is the common perception. I say rather than accept the situation start making small changes that will change the situation and stop enabling her husband to treat her this way. Start empowering yourself and step back from the situation. Get some perspective about where this going....years of being mistreated by your husband and his child, (because we all know where kids learn it) or some peace in your life......you deserve it. Being a step-parent is a hard game....you are the home-wrecker to the ex regardless of when you got together, you are wicked to your step-kids, and you are too involved to your husband, but not involved enough for society.....yuck! You are supposed to love your step-children as much as your own regardless of how you are treated by your steps or how long you have been involved with them. No wonder everyone advises against marrying people with children....so sad that my husband and I don't get to have a happy marriage because he had a child from a previous relationship...he should be punished I say!
I hope that the poster finds support elsewhere because there are more stepmoms that feel the way I do, than don't. I hope her marriage can be salvaged or there will most likely be another woman who deals with this specific situation in the future because I doubt her husband will change without some motivation. I also never stated "do not parent your steps", I merely pointed out that if you don't have the support from your husband it is a losing game. I disengaged for some time to give my husband the opportunity to be a parent to his child without my intereference....he already had one person who was constantly interefering (bio-mom) and it has done wonders for my step-son, for my husband and for me, as well as for our family as a whole. Needless to say, I have always been the one to support my step-son....I cover all his medical and dental and I support him while my husband stays home, but it was an agreed upon situation based on what was best for our family.....it was my choice and not my obligation for if I wasn't there it would be my husbands responsibility to care for his child. Also, stepping for stepdads is different than for stepmoms and there is no way around that. Stepmoms are required to perform certain tasks for the children or be a surrogate mother when they are with their dad based on societal roles when neither the stepmom or the children are ready for. I placed that on my husband as if I were not even there and he has developed a side of himself that I think even suprises him sometimes. By the way, stepkids don't automatically love their step-parents and some never do but they should be required to be respectful...just the same for stepparents....don't force it or it will backfire....that doesn't mean that you are being cruel to your stepkids, just honest and I think more adult stepchildren respect their steps for being honest than for trying to fulfill a role that they may not be equipped to fill or wanted to fill. That is just fake.
I just read some statistics current to 2001 and the rate of divorce in the united states is somewhere near 49%, it has declined steadily since 1984 and had a peak during the late 70's. There is an estimated 2.4 million marriages annually and an estimated 1.2 million divorces....so that would be dang near 50%. Those are the stats I pulled from multiple sources. Show me the numbers trick please. I also wasn't spouting off factually...all I know is that there are a large number of single parents. My husband was never married and there are a lot more children out of wedlock as well. Suffice it to say, more and more people are marrying people with children from previous relationships, in my experience. This makes for a hard game, but a common game. The divorce rate is no where near 50%. That's a common numbers trick used by those who benifit for whatever reason. 50% of marriages are PREDICTED to end in divorce.Chuckles, I am soooo glad that my husband does not share your views on his responsibilies toward our daughter, his step daughter. I am sooooooo glad that my daughter has a step parent that treats her like she is his own and doesnt look at her as "someone else's responsibility." If he had ever taken your positions, I never wouldve married him. When you marry a person with children you marry a family. If you cant accept that family as now your family, with all the bumps and hardships along the way, then you have no business marrying into a family.
That attitude that says it is his and his ex's responsibility to raise that child, and not your's as a step parent, is dreadful and wrong wrong wrong. No child deserves that treatment.
My god that's horrible. Not your child not your problem. I am shocked, if you marry someone with a child then it most definately is your problem. If you don't want to or can't care for a stepchild then that point should be made before there is even talk of marriage. I don't know many single parents that would still agree to marry someone who wanted nothing to do with there child.
The other thing that really bothered me was the 5 day- 5day split. That is hard for any child but for an ADDer I'm not surprised at all you are having problems. ADD kids need structure and routine. No matter how strict you are or even if your husband backed you in every rule or punishment there is a slim chance the kid could improve under those curcumstances. As soon as he starts to work on rules in your household he is shipped to his mothers where the rules would obviously be different. Then of course he'll struggle to fit into that mold and before he knows it time to switch families again.
Kids need discipline I'm not arguing with that. You have to set boundries and stick to your guns but you also have to pick your battles especially when just starting out. You can always add more rules later after the kids get a grasp on the most important stuff. I can tell that your frustrated and feel helpless in this situation which is understandable. I can just imagine how the boy feels though. Everything is chaos, nothing he does is right his frustration is probably the reason he snaps at you and you argue so often. Kid's can't identify and express their emotions as easily as adults can. So if you can't help arguing with him and your an adult how in the world would an 8 year old be able to control himself and not keep arguing.
Holly Cow your plate seems to be alittle bit full !!! I'm just wondering if you have done any research on ADHD. Knowledge is power.
The best advice I was ever given was ....Don't sweat the small stuff. It's sometimes really hard to do.
My advice to you is
1) Remember to take deep breaths
2)Sometimes you have to walk away (leave the room)
3)Point out the positives (there has to something good he has done in the day-sometimes it is hard to find-something as little as "I like how you are.....sitting/playing/walking.....
4)Find someone to vent to
Just some ideas. Take'em or Leave'em
Good Luck
This is in response to the Stepmother going crazy. I also am a step-mother of an ADHD 13 year boy and an 11 year Non ADHD boy. I have (2) biological children of my own a 19 year old daughter who is gifted and was totally rebellious from 13 to 18 and a 17 year boy who is the typical teenager who had speech problems until a few years ago.
I sympathize with your plight. I too expect the 13 year old to act like the other kids but I know he needs to be reminded. What drives me up the wall is his consistent movement, his expectations of other people and he challenges everything.
He is up and down the stairs at least 50 times ever night. He is constantly making noise. I get exhausted just watching him.
He never can focus. Here is a scenario...He'll start by asking to pick up a video game, from there its McDonalds, nope Taco Bell...no forget that.... its McDonalds. If I pickup the video game first then he wants to go to Taco Bell. I get in front of Taco Bell and he says forget, I really want McDonalds.
His father asked him to clean up this rooms this weekend . His response,” No. Why should I clean my bedroom the cleaning people will do it". (keep in mind the cleaning service comes every 2 weeks) If he was my son , I would have said it is a privilege to have a cleaning service and not to expect it. You don’t clean your room now then you won’t have the cleaning service until you do clean your room. He is always putting his younger brother down even if he has done the same thing or received a worse grade.
My children don’t even want to be around him. My daughter moved out a few months ago and my son stays with his father. My daughter will call and ask if the 13 year old is there before she comes over. He drives them crazy.
He is seeing an ADHD coach after the boys mother suggested he see a counselor. I kept suggestion an ADHD coach and my husband finally agreed to it but didn’t do anything until his ex asked for intervention for the child. I hope it is helping however I cant tell because his father tells me he doesn’t ask any questions because his son needs to feel its confidential. I understand that but what about the helpful idea's she gives him? He left the first session saying "I get to watch TV at night so I can fall asleep". When I asked what else. He finally said "Oh, my coach said I should keep post it notes in my pants so I can use them to stay on task. What a great idea I thought. The post it notes I brought home as still on the coffee table. He doesn’t use Post it Notes. I wonder if my husband doesn’t want to talk to the coach?
I also have been asking my husband to talk to his son about his medication. Ask him how does it make him feel? How does he feel when he is on it and when he doesn’t take it. Start talking to him about the responsibility of taking the medication. He only takes Ritalin SR before school. I have only seen the 13 year old medicated 2 times in 4 1/2 years. His father said he doesn’t like him to take the Ritalin because it not his son then.
This past Saturday the boy's mother suggested he take a pill before a basketball game. When he got home he was able to help his father assemble a basketball hoop (well, he walked around picking up various parts but he put them back and he hung out with his father and brother). That would have never happened if he wasn’t on his med's. We all had an enjoyable day.
As I said before I am the mother of 2 teenagers and my son had special needs so I am familiar with difficult children and difficult situations but let me tell you I'm at my wits end too.
[QUOTE=scasassa]He is seeing an ADHD coach after the boys mother suggested he see a counselor. [/QUOTE]
I know this is off topic, but could you please explain to me what the difference is between an ADHD Coach & a Therapist. Thanks
They are trained to work specifically with students and adults in the issues that attention deficits present in school, work, and home environments. The philosophy is that each one of us has strengths and weaknesses and that the challenge is to concentrate on the strengths and work to improve and navigate around the weaknesses. This enables us to succeed in "supplementing strategies for struggles".Hi Leigh33
You are in a very tough situation and I can not speak from a stepmums point of view but would like to give some advice from a mum of an ADHD boy.
I can understand you being upset by some of the advice on these posts but ask you to reread any that you feel have struck a chord with you, whether positive or negative.
I think of my own son being in your stepsons situation and I feel very sad. My boy would be destroyed inside and this would manifest itself in his behaviour.
Your stepson needs all the love, support and acceptance that he can get. Please be understanding and educate yourself as much as you can. The fact that you have posted here shows how much you want to care and that you are looking for help. Don't give up on him, he's worth the effort. Look for the good things in him and don't sweat the little things. He needs to be praised for ANY little thing that is good and I mean anything. My son thrives on praise and it is very rewarding to see his beautiful face light up and his chest puff out with pride.
You can't control your husband, his ex wife or anyone else, but you can control what you do and how you react. You may find that this alone can change alot of what is happening, with your stepson as well as your husband. I am not saying that this is all your fault, it seems that all the adults are accountable here, but as I said, you can't change them but you can do your best to be a part of the solution.
I hope this is of some help. With another baby on the way things will only get harder so today would be a good time to try something new. Be persistant, things won't change overnight but I think you will see a gradual improvement in all areas. Don't let others govern your behaviour, be in charge of yourself and accountable for your actions. As long as you are doing what you know, deep down, is the right thing.
I wish you all the best and hang in there. Don't give up.
You poor thing. I know how hard it is to cope in this sort of situation. My stepson was unceremoniously dumped on us by his mother because she was moving in with her new boyfriend too look after his children!!
The poor boy was not on medication and the school were talking about expelling him because he was uncontrollable.
My husband and I have managed to work together, but I understand your frustrations when we disagree about behaviour at times.
We had been married for three months when my stepson moved in with us. The school have commended me this week on his remarkable change in behavour. Having a stable home life has made a big difference but I still find him hard work at times.
ADHD and teenagers is definately hard work.
Hang in there
well to mix this up alil im a bio-mom and have conplaints about the step dad hmmm lets see how this goes. My husband and son do not get alone at all they fuse and fight all they time it seems as if he just waits for my son to mess up to b**ch at him! im so fed up with this . I've explained to him to chill and not worry over every little thing. That he cant help some of the stuff he does or doesnt do . And that he needs to spend little more time with him and get to know him better. my husband and i have a little girl (3YRS OLD) togethier he spends alot of time with her and plays with her all the time and cody sees this and knows my hubby is making to big diff. between them. how can i get him to see what a big diff is is making between the 2 AND to stop being so dang picky when it comes to "our" son!!!
As step-parents, we have to learn to love our step-children. It does not come naturally the way it does with our own biological children. I have seen this time and time again in blended families. We don't favor our bio-children intentionally, but we do. It is a rare person that has the ability to be blind to the fact that the step-children are not theirs and therefore treat them and love them exactly the same as our biokids. The legal system only makes this worse because we have no real rights to them and we never know when the walls may come crashing down and they won't be in our lives anymore. It is devastating when we have accepted a step-child as our own and loved them like our own and then we have no rights to them when divorce happens. Having an extremely difficult child makes it even harder to bond with step-children. It is hard enough for us a bio-parents to be patient and understanding, so for someone that does not have that natural bond, it is even harder.
Now food for thought, if it is so difficult for us as adults, can you imagine what it must be like for our children?
Leigh,
I sent you a private message did you get it? I would like to help you! I understand where you are coming from. I have sort of been there. Please give me an e-mail or a pm. Hope to hear from you soon.
Leigh - you obviously cannot take any constructive critisim.
I will say this. You appear to be very defensive and controlling. Take a good long look at yourself and consider what it is that you need to change about you.
No body here was being anything more than helpful - whether it came out harsh or not, you should still appreciate advice.
You dont have to listen or take it, but definately ponder on some of the suggestions.
Sorry Leigh, but I cant stand it when people ask for advice and then get the sh*ts when it isnt the advice they wanted.
Not everything is about you nor is life centred around you. Everybody has feelings, choices, experiences, and they are all valuable.
If I was like you - I would never have learnt to cope with my family. I am in a blended family. I have 3 children to 3 different fathers and my current husband is father of only one.
We have issues, but none of us has the ungrateful self centred attiutude you do. And that is why we are all happy.
To Chuckles,
In response to some of your comments
I guess posting 1500+ times makes you one up on me Rae70. I won't even try to argue with you. I don't know you nor care to, it appears you lack some of the basics: compassion, caring, understanding, ability to show empathy. Just keep the insults coming Chuckles - that is right you do not know me!
My soul is wide and deep well good for you - doesnt show in your posts to me - and remember you started this personal attack upon me.
and really what does anyone know about life, except their own path and experiences? They can know a great deal more! One does not have to live anothers life, to understand them, this IS what is called EMPATHY (you know that stuff I dont have)
I can assure you that I am not posting just to "have a go" for the sake of it. Well for someone who doesnt want to have a go - you are doing a bad job at it
I have been dealing with close-minded saps the entire time I have been a step-parent. I am not a close-minded Sap.
The original poster was not hateful toward her step-kid. Well she was not loving, caring, or nurturing - she mentioned she tried once upon a time, but had enough - so what is left apathetic, uncaring, blaming = sounds almost hateful to me
She expressed feelings and emotions. If she was this childs bio-mom she would have probably been given acknowledgement and spirit-lifters That is untrue, and a typical prejudice statement - it is like the African American's saying they are always picked on by the police because they are black, criminals are picked on black or white - if there are more of one race that has a higher crime rate per ratio, then they will appear to be picked on. (I am just using this as an Analogy, I am not saying this is fact)
Perhaps it is just a common problem that a lot of step parents have and therefore it appears that they are being picked on, I am not bashing step parents, - The good ones should be held up and adored - they are marvellous wonderful people - I dont know why you think I am having a go because she is a step parent, I am having a go at her - because she is blaming this child for her relationship problems - that is disgusting.
Most would have agreed with how hard it is and then told her to keep her chin up and it would get better. Well I have never been much for being one of the crowd - I like to stand by what I believe - until proven to me otherwise, in fact I think this is the first attack I have ever launched on this forum, so obviously this situation really upsets me to the core, my sense of justice has been overly stimulated perhaps.
Support. Why should she be judged differently as a step-mom? I never did judge her as a step mom - if it was a bio mum saying it i would say the same thing - but I cant ever remember hearing bio parents blaming their children for their relationship issues / this seems to be more in the step parent area (that is not an insult - but an insight)
I would surmise that most from time-to-time feel that their children are hard to deal with, but if you are a step-mom...shame on you for expressing those thoughts. You are injuring your step-child. Teachers are not allowed to emotionally destroy a child - so why should a parent
The child does not know she has these feelings, she didn't tell him directly, he is most likely none the wiser. HOW do you know, you don't you are just assuming that she has the same type of self control expressing her emotions as you do (in front of children), perhaps you have not seen how badly some people talk to children and step children - they go for it both barrels blazing! I have seen some parents saying all types of horrible things to their kids in super markets.
Kudos to her for trying to get some help in a tough situation and find some people that could relate. She did not want help - she wanted commisseration, and that is fine, but when a person is searching for some one to feel sorry for them 9 times out of 10 they get the opposite, or a quick "Okay you had a whinge - now what are you going to do to improve your situation" We tried this with her - but she got angry.
I guess the step-mom forums are a lot more supportive and understanding. I don't have the time, nor do I want to waste the energy reading your 1500+ posts to find out whether or not you are a step-parent or just know one. I would rather spend that time supporting and encouraging other step-moms in my similar situation. Well good for you, good luck with that!
As I said before, ADHD is tough to deal with all around. I don't consider myself a champion for the poster, but I am a step-mom of an ADHD child and therefore have plenty of experience to express my opinion about what might work for her. My "expertise" lies in my situation. "Judgements" lie in ignorance. You judged me!
I must have really touched a nerve with you, maybe you should figure out why it bothers you so much. Aha - more psychobabble mind manipulating, there is nothing WRONG with me, I am fine - I do however have strong opinions also
As many of us know there is no perfect step-family, as there is no perfect family. There are no perfect children and there are no perfect parents. We do the best with what we have. From this forum, I take what helps and I leave the rest behind. I hope the original poster can do that. Peace to you and your family, Rae70. Well it would be more peaceful - if you quit the insults and uneducated psychoanalyising!
Chuckles you say you want to help and support other step parents - but you obviously think that saying lots of kind words and giving antidotes to problems is the only answer.
Well it is not - a true friend is someone that is willing to say "Pull your head in you Knob" - when you are acting the goat. So maybe where you come from - things are different - but Australians are a little tougher than that and we dont mind being pulled into line - in fact we really appreciate it.
Rae7038378.6015046296You are a very condescending person !
OK, who's havin' the last word?
Myboyisspecial38377.8795949074Chuckles - perhaps you need to be reminded of what you said - you started an attack on me - i have never spoken to you prior to this.
You insult me constantly and try to belittle me - You think that with your words that others will agree and think that I have the emotional level of a high school student.
Well Chuckles - I dont care what you think of me - or what others think of me.
If you wish to have the last word - why dont YOU come down of YOUR pedastal and be nice about it - it may be a worthwhile experience!
One thing I have learnt in life Chuckles is that people that insult others for the sake of it are usually using terms that are exact descriptions of the nature of the person doing the insulting.
[QUOTE=chuckles101301]I just have to add my $.02. As a person who is well-read on the subject of step-parenting as well as being a step-parent myself (because that seems to be the criteria for having a valid opinion...heavy on the sarcasm), the marriage is the pillar of the family. Your marriage should come first and your spouse should come first, before all children in a relationship. Children are brought into a marriage by birth (hopefully)or by steps or by adoption etc, but it gives them an unhealthy sense of entitlement and control when you elevate them to a level above your spouse. All the experts seem to agree with this and if you listen to experts, well then there you have it.
Rae70, I would hate to be your spouse knowing full well that if we don't do things your way then I am out the door. Parents sacrifice for their children but it is very unhealthy to teach them that where they lie is at the top of the food chain so to speak and they make decisions for the family when they are neither qualified nor ready to do so. So if your kids decide that your spouse is no longer playing the game by their rules and begin to make waves (as usually happens in teens whether it is your bio kid or not), your spouse goes out the door?...what a load of crud. Good luck in your marriage and pity for your husband. (disclaimer: in cases of abuse the story is of course, different)
Raising kids is hard regardless of biology, raising ADHD kids is hard regardless of biology, stepping is hard. No single person has the right answer, but to say that someone is being selfish because they believe that they deserve equal respect is just plain wrong. You don't know the situation. My marriage is my number one priority, for without it there is no family and frankly I would not subject my children to the situation my step-son is in (a broken family). Correct me if I am wrong Rae70, but doesn't it appear that you would subject your children to another divorce or relationship breakdown if you don't get your way in your relationship? That is kind-of sad.....divorce is easier than putting your marriage first. Selfishness is at the heart of your post...YOUR kids come first, if YOUR spouse doesn't agree with YOU or follow YOUR ideals he is out the door. I am willing to bet that your husband didn't have children when he came into the marriage because I believe you would have a very difficult time if you had to put his kids above yourself, or maybe even his kids above your own on some occasions....I bet there would be turmoil in your marriage. Your husband is a step-parent and I am willing to bet that he has some issues with the things you do or how you parent and I bet you don't give him a bit of clout (if he even tells you what is on his mind because I sure wouldn't) because they are YOUR kids and YOU will do what YOU think is best or he is sent packing....uggghhh....you have some serious entitlement issues yourself.....sorry all, I meant this to be brief. I must remember that this forum is for support and is related to ADHD.......obviously the original poster, as I have said before is in a very troubled position. She obviously cares enough about her step-son to look for help in this area...she is not selfish and has admittedly been the only person trying to help her step-son.....I applaud that. Have a great day! Bye Bye [/QUOTE]
Must be difficult in school also-sorry did not read entire post. Our uncontrollable ADHD child is now on
90 mg of concerta
10 mg lexapro
1 mg Xanax XR
He's reasonably good at home; but not in school. We were threatened by a Southern Dutchess (NY) school district; and we scrambled. Once they saw our expert attorney, you could literally hear a pin drop in that room. The threats vanished; most people didn't say a word.
My son was PUNISHED for an "ILLNESS." And these people are educators? Liars perhaps; but not educators.
A local 'advocate" who may work for the county can be helpful; and there is the potential to place this child in a school where he can be treated appropriately and become a near normal functioning adult.
Medicatiosn are also key:
ritalin or adderal made my son violent and aggressive.
Concerta - he's 10 and takes 90 mg a day; 72 mg in the am; 18 mg at noon.
And -- we still struggle and argue at times!
Rae, the term is not "the negros". We call ourselves "African-American" or black.
[QUOTE=monie2boys]Rae, the term is not "the negros". We call ourselves "African-American" or black.[/QUOTE]
Sorry Monie - not an intentional insult as Chuckles believes, and i would have used any group in comparison. It is not intentional and I am sorry to insult.
I guess I am a bit stupid at times, I am not racist, dont even think in terms of racism. I guess I just used that analagy because Americans would understand it. But chuckles never got what I was saying anyway - so it was a waste of time.
We have a problem here in Australia with the Aboriginal people in custody and I was trying to draw similarities. I am not trying to cause racial slurs or problems.
I had children to three different men. So people could draw conclusions from that , that I am a slut that has no brains at all. Because a lot of women that get themselves in this situation could be classed that way. I live with that prejudice. So was trying to explain prejudice based stereotypical views, created by past and or present situations, that have nothing to do with my individual experiences. That is all. No judgement.
Please just let me know if you understand and have not taken offence or have taken offence, because if you have I would like to remove it.
Now I have probably insulted a million single mothers with multiple father children - OMG - political correctness has never been my best quality.
Oh for the love of pete...I am not going to keep going round and round with you Rae70. I can tell from your posts that we should just agree to disagree. I get the feeling that you don't follow most Australians because you sure take offense when someone attempts to "pull you into line". I didn't judge you Rae70, I merely pointed out what I thought could be the problem. As I pointed out before, I don't know you nor do you know me. I also don't psychoanalyze you nor anyone else for that matter, just have my own personal insights. I won't speak for the poster, as she can do that for herself, but she actually has implemented some strategies that were suggested by people on the board and they seem to be working for her. Sounds to me like she is certainly trying to change her situation and ignore the likes of you. I guess I should learn that from her and the other people that have sent messages of support for what I have been saying. I hope you don't publicly speak about other races the way you have here, because I see a flogging in your future and your comments speak volumes about ignorance. My life experiences would not show in my posts on a message board because it is just a snipit of one area of my life. I am not going to go into it with you as to what my educational background is or how I spend my days because I do not believe that specifically factors into my experience in this area. I am a step-mom of an ADHD child. My advice has worked for me and that is what I have suggested to the poster. I hope some of the things I talked about previously work for her or others that may be too scared of ridicule to post on this board. This is completely ridiculous and I feel like I am in junior high reading your comments to each of my posts. I actually get to chuckle as I read your post and write a reply because I can't take you seriously.Last comment: I hope anyone who has continued to read this far, finds serenity in their situation. From my perspective it is okay to have thoughts and feelings about your kids or step-kids and to express those thoughts in a healthy forum. Getting things off of your chest is the best way to prevent treating your children in an unhealthy way. Psychobabble to Rae70, but pretty basic to me. There are planty of parents out there who feel that their children have disrupted their relationships or their lives and it is okay to feel that from time to time as we are human...I hope they find support and encouragement. Rae70...I prefer honey over vinegar, suit yourself. Leigh, I hope you will return and see this. Please do not feel attacked. You will get no criticism from me, but I do think you should go back and read what you initially posted and make an attempt to really see what message comes across. It does sound as though you are at the end of your tether in an almost tragic situation for this 8 yr. old boy. Your whole family needs to seek help together and your husband needs to value you as the other mom to his son, someone who should have say-so and involvement and not just a baby-sitter. You need to be treated as more than a convenient baby-sitter and it seems to me that the problems lie more between you and your husband than you realize, and not so much with your stepson who is carrying the load of a medical condition and psychological issues related to everything that is going on in your lives. You may need to start with marital counseling just to get your husband to see the bigger picture, and then move on to whole-family assistance. Good luck to you.I agree Teach678. But I doubt that she is even reading this anymore. I hope not. So everyone's just wasting energy here.[QUOTE=atworkbutsleepi]
Rae 70 said, "You must be completely stupid or extremely selfish, or both, if you think for one moment, that I and my husband have not had to give up a lot to be together. "
This was totally uncalled for! My reply to you was not rude and hateful like the comment you just made to me calling me stupid and selfish. I acknowledged that you are very lucky in your situation and NEVER implied that you have not had to work hard and make sacrifices. However, the reality is that it isn't like this for everyone. Some marriages do not have two people willing to work through the difficulties. Some people do not cope as well as others, especially if they also suffer from these disorders. Some are just selfish. Many of these marriages will fail. I completely understood where Nicky was coming from because my husband and I have had to fight hard for our relationship too and I know from experience the way stepparents are often treated. I am in no way stupid or selfish! I am REALISTIC. Yeah sorry about that - when I said "you" I mean anyone in general that thinks that way, not you in particular - wasnt expressed how I meant it. I also feel that Realism is - not a perfect relationship. But perfect, is two people wanting the best of their relationship, and continuing to work on it
Maybe YOU should get off your high horse and quit being so judgemental. I am sure that your world isn't perfect or you wouldn't be here. I am not on a high horse, I am disgusted!
This woman did not come here looking for advice - she came here for a bitch session, and wanting us all to agree with her, and she pissed me off when she said "shame on you all".
I get sick of listening to stupid people that believe they are always right. I dont think I am always right, but I talk about what works for me. That it is all.
So if people want my compassion for situations that they refuse to put effort into themselves, and just want to BLAME everyone and everything else - well they will get the opposite from me.
I can't stand blamers - and I think everyone should wake these types of people up to themselves - for their good and for the good of all that care about them.
The only person that you (as in everyone) can change is yourself, and when you refuse to acknowledge that or ignore it - then your life will stay a train wreck.
[/QUOTE] Rae7038373.9959490741
[QUOTE=chuckles101301]
Rae70, I would hate to be your spouse knowing full well that if we don't do things your way then I am out the door. I never said that - I said if he was to be abusive he would be out the door Parents sacrifice for their children but it is very unhealthy to teach them that where they lie is at the top of the food chain so to speak and they make decisions for the family when they are neither qualified nor ready to do so. So if your kids decide that your spouse is no longer playing the game by their rules and begin to make waves (as usually happens in teens whether it is your bio kid or not), your spouse goes out the door?...what a load of crud For a person that claims to be well read - you tend to read alot into what is in front of you, makes me think that your personal "expert" advice is crud. Good luck in your marriage and pity for your husband. (disclaimer: in cases of abuse the story is of course, different)
Raising kids is hard regardless of biology, raising ADHD kids is hard regardless of biology, stepping is hard. No single person has the right answer, but to say that someone is being selfish because they believe that they deserve equal respect is just plain wrong. You don't know the situation. My marriage is my number one priority, for without it there is no family and frankly I would not subject my children to the situation my step-son is in (a broken family). Correct me if I am wrong Rae70, but doesn't it appear that you would subject your children to another divorce or relationship breakdown if you don't get your way in your relationship? Yes I will correct you - you are wrong! You are just involving yourself in this thread to just have a go, for the sake of it - I am having a go because I am disgusted with the original poster. If you want to take task with me - get to know me by reading some of the 1500+ posts I have posted in this forum, and then perhaps I may listen to your opinion about my character - Until then - you can stick your apparently poor insight right where it belongs. If you choose to take compassion and kindness to the extreme, and waste it on being the champion of this woman that is obviously hateful towards her ADHD step child - then do that too - I dont care.
Selfishness is at the heart of your post...YOUR kids come first, if YOUR spouse doesn't agree with YOU or follow YOUR ideals he is out the door. I am willing to bet that your husband didn't have children when he came into the marriage because I believe you would have a very difficult time if you had to put his kids above yourself, or maybe even his kids above your own on some occasions....I bet there would be turmoil in your marriage. Once again - you have not bothered to read any of my 1500+ posts and have not a clue. Your husband is a step-parent and I am willing to bet that he has some issues with the things you do or how you parent and I bet you don't give him a bit of clout (if he even tells you what is on his mind because I sure wouldn't) because they are YOUR kids and YOU will do what YOU think is best or he is sent packing....uggghhh....you have some serious entitlement issues yourself.....sorry all, I meant this to be brief. I must remember that this forum is for support and is related to ADHD.......obviously the original poster, as I have said before is in a very troubled position. She obviously cares enough about her step-son to look for help in this area...she is not selfish and has admittedly been the only person trying to help her step-son.....I applaud that. Have a great day! Bye Bye
Okay, I am not in the mood for this crap - but you have really pissed me off.
Personally, I think you should have kept your post brief as you intended, because your ramblings showed how very little you know about life, or about myself.
You quote crap you read from those psychobabble books that you think are going to enlighten you to the perfect step family. - Continue on your path, and good luck with it - but dont cross mine again.
[/QUOTE]
Rae7038373.996400463My mother in law sends me these e-mails helps me when I'm frustrated. I guess posting 1500+ times makes you one up on me Rae70. I won't even try to argue with you. I don't know you nor care to, it appears you lack some of the basics: compassion, caring, understanding, ability to show empathy. I didn't quote a lick and I said I was an "expert" with a note about sarcasm. My soul is wide and deep and really what does anyone know about life, except their own path and experiences? I can assure you that I am not posting just to "have a go" for the sake of it. I have been dealing with close-minded saps the entire time I have been a step-parent. The original poster was not hateful toward her step-kid. She expressed feelings and emotions. If she was this childs bio-mom she would have probably been given acknowledgement and spirit-lifters. Most would have agreed with how hard it is and then told her to keep her chin up and it would get better. Support. Why should she be judged differently as a step-mom? I would surmise that most from time-to-time feel that their children are hard to deal with, but if you are a step-mom...shame on you for expressing those thoughts. You are injuring your step-child. The child does not know she has these feelings, she didn't tell him directly, he is most likely none the wiser. Kudos to her for trying to get some help in a tough situation and find some people that could relate. I guess the step-mom forums are a lot more supportive and understanding. I don't have the time, nor do I want to waste the energy reading your 1500+ posts to find out whether or not you are a step-parent or just know one. I would rather spend that time supporting and encouraging other step-moms in my similar situation. As I said before, ADHD is tough to deal with all around. I don't consider myself a champion for the poster, but I am a step-mom of an ADHD child and therefore have plenty of experience to express my opinion about what might work for her. My "expertise" lies in my situation. "Judgements" lie in ignorance. I must have really touched a nerve with you, maybe you should figure out why it bothers you so much. As many of us know there is no perfect step-family, as there is no perfect family. There are no perfect children and there are no perfect parents. We do the best with what we have. From this forum, I take what helps and I leave the rest behind. I hope the original poster can do that. Peace to you and your family, Rae70. Heavenly Father, Help us remember that thejerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a
single mother who worked nine hours that day and is
rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do
the laundry and spend a few precious moments with
her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced,
tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make
change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college
student, balancing his apprehension over final exams
with his fear of not getting his student loans for
next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum,
begging for money in the same spot every day (who
really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions
that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the couple
walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and
blocking our shopping progress are savoring this
moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she
got back last week, this will be the last year that
they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of
all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is
love. It is not enough to share that love with those
we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who
are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow
to judge and quick to forgive, show patience,
empathy and love.
Well put Oloevia! Thanks for the reminder. : )
Let us be slow
to judge and quick to forgive, show patience,
empathy and love.
Thank you Oloevia. Let's hope we can all move on.
There's a difference between advice and criticism.
Nobody wants "yes men" and it's great to get feedback and opinions, whatever they may be.
Why does it have to be done in such a judgemental and critical manner?
Who knows what state of mind this woman is in, especially with the stress she is under and the fact she is heavily pregnant. Coming to this site may have exacerbated her situation, not helped it!
Frankly, I am concerned for her well being. I hope she has brushed off all of this and gone elsewhere for help and support and not allowed it to affect her negatively. I would imagine that all this criticism has done nothing more than make her more defensive and angry. There are ways to get a message across without being so brusque.
People are more open to advice and opinions when they are not being judged and criticised so harshly.
LOL if we agree with everyone and only leave happy friendly messages then what help would this board be. I don't need 100 yes men following me around. I already know what I think. The whole point of posting is to hear what others think. It's up to you what you do with that advice. The whole reason to seek advice is to see things from another angle.
sorry!
dansmum
no excuse
Well, I can't seem to get any support on the home front so I am counting on someone out there who may understand my position.My husband and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years, but just recently married (mid nov.). We have a wonderful 4 year old son together, but he is not the problem. To be quite honest, he is to perfect. My step-son is 8 1/2 and tearing this family apart. We almost didn't get married because of him and now we have talked multiple times of divorce because of him. Here's the deal...
We have rules at our house. Rules that a four year old can remember and follow. When you come in the house, you take your shoes off and go hang your coat up. When your done eating, you ASK to be excused and when you are, you put your dishes in the sink and push your chair in. You pick up your toys that you have been playing with before you get something else out. Be nice, STOP ARGUING and stop trying to have the last word. For the most part, that's about it. The rules haven't changed in the five years he's been here. We have him for five days and then his mother has him for five days.
Recently his behavior has gotten worse. I try to tell my husband but he makes it all out to me my fault. He says that I "sit on a perch and just wait for him to do something wrong so that I can yell at him". The only time he validates that his son's behavior has worsened is when the teacher calls or the sitter calls or when his ex-wife calls with complaints of the same behavior. It is very frustrating. My step-son totally ignores me when I ask/tell him to do something. If he doesn't ignore me, I get dirty looks like you would not believe. He is not a very good role model for our four year old son, plus we are due again in March. He has been on concerta for a couple years and it's not helping. I told my husband that for over a year, but it wasn't until the teacher said the same thing that he accepted it. They tried a concerta strattera mix and things got way worse. Now we are back to just concerta which does nothing anyways.
The kicker is, is that my husband wants me to "babysit" my step-son all the time to save money on a sitter. I tried this last summer and almost had a nervous break down and refuse to do it anymore. He says I am trying to force his son from his home and that if I can't handle him, we have not business being married. I tell him that I don't think he's my responsibility. I will take care of him and deal best I can with the situation on the days that we have him, but I'll be damned to put myself through that stress when it's his mothers days to have him. I feel like they dump him on me just to save money. And I get no support from my husband, he says that I'm the adult, that I have to deal with it. But how can I deal with it with no backing from him. He lays NONE of the blame of this situation on his son, and he's the one that has the disorder.
As you can see I could go on for hours....I need some insight. I asked him to go to counseling, he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no. I don't see us lasting much longer. At 7 1/2 months pregnant my hormones are working overtime anyways. Sometimes divorce seems better than all the arguing. We never argue about anything expect his son. I just want the son to be accountable and my husband to acknowledge that this situation is difficult for me.
help.
------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------
I know it's hard to deal with kids that are not yours when I babysit for my sister in law her kids act up so much and they sure don't listen as well as my children do who have the same disorder they do. It all comes down to structure I think In your house you have your ways and poss in the ex's house the rules you have she don't have. He prob runs all over her therefore use to being in control not sure if this is the case just an outside look. It's hard enough to get the rules down with your own kids then to have a have a child that is not yours come in and upset the routine's you have and not listen to you is even worse. I think that a therapist would be great for you at least even if hubby don't go you can have someone to talk to who is there to listen to you. Most men I know don't listen to their wives but if an outsider gives them the same info you have been trying to give him he listens better to them. This is not fair but it's common. Have you tried talking to the ex maybe she can get the med change done find something that works if he won't listen to you?? For your sanitiy I hope you can get the help you need and if you feel you must go then just go with what your heart feels. You should not have to stay in a relationship that is not working for the sake of the child. Cause when you think about it better to be alone then to be fighting all the time in front of the kids. I hope that is may help even if it's just a little. Should you ever need someone to talk to I am here and I'll do my best not to judge. I hope that you don't get that feeling now don't mean to judge.
[QUOTE=MafiaKiddo]LOL if we agree with everyone and only leave happy friendly messages then what help would this board be. I don't need 100 yes men following me around. I already know what I think. The whole point of posting is to hear what others think. It's up to you what you do with that advice. The whole reason to seek advice is to see things from another angle.[/QUOTE]
I agree, but what I mean is not to totally "bash" the woman for her situation! She was asking for help, but it seemed to me a lot of people placed judgment on her for feelings she didn't even say she had! Of course you don't have to be "happy, jolly" at every post, but to basically tell the woman she is an awful person for her feelings, that is not necessary.
G! I am chocked as to how people can get tangled in words..... i agree to the ones who say being a step parent is hard working, i agree that you married the family not the man or the woman, i agree it is probably easier for a man to be step-dad than a woman the step-mum. I also agree to the fact you don't need to be a step parent to give suggestions, in fact you only have to have some sort of experience with the situation, whether is from work, a relative, a friend.......
Obviously it takes only someone in the same kind of situation to understand you better. When you are on someone's shoes you live the similar if not the same situations.
I think marriage is a continuous work from the people who decide to be together. It is ok if it fails as long as you make sure you have done the best you could. It is not the ideal situation when kids are involved but having said that, neither a house with fights and disharmony. Especially when there are facts which will require a better estructured life routine. Like an ADHD kid in my case and also Leigh's.
On Leigh's case yes the determined arrengement of 5day on each parent is terrible and is not favouring, for starters.Plus having a 4 y/old and another baby about to come puts a lot more pressure on the situation. Leigh you are trying your best and i can understand you fully. If i didn't end my marriage i would perhaps fall into the trap of being with my husband for the sake of having a family and still trying no matter how unhappy and miserable i was, i would perhaps be pregnant again, which would make things harder for all of us.....and in no doubt give me a harmonious family.
I do believe if I or my husband are not well as individuals, our marriage will get a hit, and if the marriage is not well the kids will get a hit. It does takes two to work on the relationship to recover it.
No matter how many times i'd talk to my hubby about how i was feeling and ask Him how He was feeling,( he didn't seemed to be fine but would not open up) whatever i was feeling would became irrelevant even more if it related to his boys. He would not talk to the boys in order to give them guidance, discipline or else.
He is the kind of person that unfortunately lets a 10y/old (the ADHD) have nits for 4 months because do not supervise it correctly and he will let the 13 y/old not to go to school just because the boy says he doesn't want to go.........!!!!!!!!!!
Where is the bio-mum? well that is another case. She is as careless as or more. The kids always interfered in her social life, so she is not that interested in them. However she was always causing friction in my home.
Now that i am saparated I am a happier person and have the positiveness to look forward again to care for my daughter with balance and structure. I feel sorry for the boys to certain extend, but no matter if they keep up their hygiene or not, keep up their school work or not, their manners or not....... they seem to be happy. I know they wish i was there, afterall it was a lot better to have someone to cook, clean, pick up from school, take to soccer training and games, do the shopping, help with homework, and on top of that take all their bad attitude, hear all their disgusting absurds, and disrespect!
This forum is not about judging people or trying to compete with each other. Like some said this is a place where we can voice our concerns, talk about our experiences and offer suggestions.
Every one so far has good things about their lifes that can be passed on to others, but there has been a lot of unnecessary personal judgement.
My suggestion is that if there is something someone wrote and you feel touchy about it, send a private message.
Best of luck to all.
To all the step mums and dads who have inheriated a child with ADHD,
God forbid it should be a child of your own!
It's nice to walk away!
We Never Will!!
Dansmum
Godbless
[QUOTE=Dansmum]To all the step mums and dads who have inheriated a child with ADHD,
God forbid it should be a child of your own!
It's nice to walk away!
We Never Will!!
Dansmum
Godbless
It's pretty ironic you would say something like that and then add " God Bless" at the end of your message. This entire thread is so sad. This poor woman was looking for help and was so ripped on! I am pretty sure not ONE single person here has literally walked in the shoes of anyone else. I can tell you that I sure haven't. I think if you can't say something nice, then just don't respond to a post.
I just have to add my $.02. As a person who is well-read on the subject of step-parenting as well as being a step-parent myself (because that seems to be the criteria for having a valid opinion...heavy on the sarcasm), the marriage is the pillar of the family. Your marriage should come first and your spouse should come first, before all children in a relationship. Children are brought into a marriage by birth (hopefully)or by steps or by adoption etc, but it gives them an unhealthy sense of entitlement and control when you elevate them to a level above your spouse. All the experts seem to agree with this and if you listen to experts, well then there you have it.Rae70, I would hate to be your spouse knowing full well that if we don't do things your way then I am out the door. Parents sacrifice for their children but it is very unhealthy to teach them that where they lie is at the top of the food chain so to speak and they make decisions for the family when they are neither qualified nor ready to do so. So if your kids decide that your spouse is no longer playing the game by their rules and begin to make waves (as usually happens in teens whether it is your bio kid or not), your spouse goes out the door?...what a load of crud. Good luck in your marriage and pity for your husband. (disclaimer: in cases of abuse the story is of course, different)
Raising kids is hard regardless of biology, raising ADHD kids is hard regardless of biology, stepping is hard. No single person has the right answer, but to say that someone is being selfish because they believe that they deserve equal respect is just plain wrong. You don't know the situation. My marriage is my number one priority, for without it there is no family and frankly I would not subject my children to the situation my step-son is in (a broken family). Correct me if I am wrong Rae70, but doesn't it appear that you would subject your children to another divorce or relationship breakdown if you don't get your way in your relationship? That is kind-of sad.....divorce is easier than putting your marriage first. Selfishness is at the heart of your post...YOUR kids come first, if YOUR spouse doesn't agree with YOU or follow YOUR ideals he is out the door. I am willing to bet that your husband didn't have children when he came into the marriage because I believe you would have a very difficult time if you had to put his kids above yourself, or maybe even his kids above your own on some occasions....I bet there would be turmoil in your marriage. Your husband is a step-parent and I am willing to bet that he has some issues with the things you do or how you parent and I bet you don't give him a bit of clout (if he even tells you what is on his mind because I sure wouldn't) because they are YOUR kids and YOU will do what YOU think is best or he is sent packing....uggghhh....you have some serious entitlement issues yourself.....sorry all, I meant this to be brief. I must remember that this forum is for support and is related to ADHD.......obviously the original poster, as I have said before is in a very troubled position. She obviously cares enough about her step-son to look for help in this area...she is not selfish and has admittedly been the only person trying to help her step-son.....I applaud that. Have a great day! Bye Bye
[QUOTE=nicky]It's so easy to see ADHD as a 'get-out' clause for bad behaviour in children. 8-year-olds are perfectly capable of extremely manipulative behaviour. The difficulty here is inheriting someone else's children, who are never regarded, however hard one tries, as one's own. Have you tried an external mediator/counsellor? Remember that you married him, not his children. OK - they sort of come as a package - but do they really?? Isn't that just a guilt trip??[/QUOTE]
Nicky - that is really irresponsible attitude - Are you a step parent at all! or are you just talking about something you know nothing of.
I am so lucky to have my husband as my children's step father. I have 3 very strong willed children, and yet he and they have a few sqwabbles, it is obvious that they all care for one another.
And he can appreciate what they have added to his ife - apart from expenses.
Hi Rae.....glad to see you posting again[QUOTE=nicky] Remember that you married him, not his children. OK - they sort of come as a package - but do they really?? Isn't that just a guilt trip??[/QUOTE]
Oh my lord, perhaps I am reading this wrong, I hope I am reading this wrong. They are a package. Don't marry a man with kids if you do not want to help in parenting them. I mean even my kids would say DUH! You can't honestly say that when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship that you do not take on their children as your own.
All those poor children with no one to understand them. Does no one to see they are innocent casualties, expendable crew members, collateral damage if you will. They didn't ask for any of this, & yet they have disabilities & dysfunctions & they are only seen as an annoyance. I tell you, for someone to view any child, ADHD or not,. this way is a sad commentary on society as a whole.
What a selfish lot.
I am so lucky to have my husband as my children's step father. I have 3 very strong willed children, and yet he and they have a few sqwabbles, it is obvious that they all care for one another.
And he can appreciate what they have added to his ife - apart from expenses.
[/QUOTE]
You are very lucky Rae70! Unfortunately, very often it isn't like this.
Nicky said, "It's so easy to see ADHD as a 'get-out' clause for bad behaviour in children."
This is so true! We have to be very careful here.
I have had to deal with some very bad behavior and treatment by my stepchildren. The fact is that their behavior was a result of brainwashing from their mother, manipulative behavior being tolerated, and a complete lack of discipline. They did whatever they wanted and whenever I tried to put my foot down with them in MY home, that I help to support, their mother or grandmother would run to rescue them from the wicked stepmonster. It took alot of begging, pleading, crying and finally, an ultimatum, to finally get my husband to put his foot down. Since he did, just over a year ago, things have been much better in this department. I can tolerate and work with kids being kids and can even work with the additional trials that come from being ADHD or bipolar, as long as they live up to certain expectations and that includes treating me with some level of respect.
Of course, now we are dealing with a whole new set of problems, but I won't go into that here since this is someone else's thread.
Nicky also said, Remember that you married him, not his children. OK - they sort of come as a package - but do they really?? Isn't that just a guilt trip??
Yes, it is a guilt trip...one to make you cook for them, clean for them, do their laundry, clean up their puke, take them to the doctor, get the neverending calls from the school and everything else a mother does while having absolutely none of the rights.
It's so easy to see ADHD as a 'get-out' clause for bad behaviour in children. 8-year-olds are perfectly capable of extremely manipulative behaviour. The difficulty here is inheriting someone else's children, who are never regarded, however hard one tries, as one's own. Have you tried an external mediator/counsellor? Remember that you married him, not his children. OK - they sort of come as a package - but do they really?? Isn't that just a guilt trip??OMG!! Nicky... your post was just so....I guess Ray said it best "irresponsible".
I also think it was very insensitive in regards to children with ADHD. You obviously don't know a whole lot about it.
Read a book on the subjects!!!
I am so lucky to have my husband as my children's step father. I have 3 very strong willed children, and yet he and they have a few sqwabbles, it is obvious that they all care for one another.
And he can appreciate what they have added to his ife - apart from expenses.
[/QUOTE]
You are very lucky Rae70! Unfortunately, very often it isn't like this.
[/QUOTE]
Well If it is not like this - then you should not be married!
There is no way I would accept anything less than devotion, love and caregiving from my husband to his step children. If he disliked them, or did not want them around, then he would be out the door.
The kids dont have a choice but to be here with me, I made them. So therefore they are my first priority. Not my husband, he realises this and therefore would rather stand beside me than apart from me - we are a team.
My husband gets a lot of me as well. But if I had to choose, he would be out the door.
You must be completely stupid or extremely selfish, or both, if you think for one moment, that I and my husband have not had to give up a lot to be together. It is not luck. It is a decision to work together, with our kids, because we love each other and want to be together. But Love is not enough - no way near enough to keep us together.
If we did not work together on our family relationship - all the time, we would not be happy.
Neither of us put ourselves above the other nor do we put the kids above our relationship. We all pull our weight.
If he has a fair complaint about the kids - he is entitled to be angry - but not abusive or hurtful. The same goes for them towards him.
Anger is okay - Damaging selfish nonsense is not.
I am in the middle - and accept that situation and mediate ALL THE TIME.
And we put a lot of faith in the kids to do the right thing - EVENTUALLY.
It is not Luck - it is work. And if you dont want the job - dont even flirt with a single parent.
[QUOTE=Cindy]Isn't that strange that half of my posts appears outside of the frame?[/QUOTE]
Yeah that is really weird - must be the cyber spook again! LOL
[QUOTE=Luvmykids02]Hi Rae.....glad to see you posting again[/QUOTE]
Yeah all fired up for the new year - LOL
Rae 70 said, "You must be completely stupid or extremely selfish, or both, if you think for one moment, that I and my husband have not had to give up a lot to be together. "
This was totally uncalled for! My reply to you was not rude and hateful like the comment you just made to me calling me stupid and selfish. I acknowledged that you are very lucky in your situation and NEVER implied that you have not had to work hard and make sacrifices. However, the reality is that it isn't like this for everyone. Some marriages do not have two people willing to work through the difficulties. Some people do not cope as well as others, especially if they also suffer from these disorders. Some are just selfish. Many of these marriages will fail. I completely understood where Nicky was coming from because my husband and I have had to fight hard for our relationship too and I know from experience the way stepparents are often treated. I am in no way stupid or selfish! I am REALISTIC.
Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am sensitive to people's feelings, giving to a fault and highly intelligent. I make unbelievable sacrifices for my husband, our children and our families. They are my world and I give my all for them. My marriage is tried on an almost daily basis due to the fact that we are a blended family with 7 children and a grandchild, all of whom are affected by bipolar, add/adhd and depression. This does not make for an easy life but one we are working hard for. In addition, we also deal with my husband's own mental health issues and with an ex-wife that has at every turn, attempted to undermine our relationship and my authority over the children in my home. If you had read some of my previous posts, you would see that we have had to work hard to resolve some of these issues. Some we have resolved, some we are still working on. It is a constant battle. I know full well the sacrifices that are made to be together.
Maybe YOU should get off your high horse and quit being so judgemental. I am sure that your world isn't perfect or you wouldn't be here.
atworkbutsleepi38370.9927546296It is sooo easy for peoples messages to get misconstrued isn't it!?!? Someone will mean one thing and it will be interpreted as an attack and voila, instant fireworks!! Not always, so please, don't misinterpret mine.
I wonder if this thread will get as long as the notorious Ritalin=Cocaine??
Just a thought.
[QUOTE=Myboyisspecial]
I wonder if this thread will get as long as the notorious Ritalin=Cocaine??
Just a thought.
[/QUOTE]
Please no , not again!!!!!
Dansmum
I thank those of you who sent me private messages of encouragement and understanding. SHAME on those of you who dare to criticize and condem me for any of my actions! If you will notice in my original post I was looking for SUPPORT! Nowhere in my post will find that I was looking for negative comments, more frustration or even validation! If that was what I was looking for I would have never sought out this site and gotten everything I needed right here on the homefront. If you have never spent even one minute in a situation like mine than you should have kept your post and your opinions to yourself if all you had to offer were condeming comments.
Those of you who sit up there in your little white ivory towers who think you got it all figured out. Not one of you with an ADHD child, wheather bioloigical or step, can honestly say that you have NEVER yelled at your child, had an arguement with your spouse because of the child or felt like throwing in the towel! So for you to even remotely look down your nose at me for having all that I could take on that particular day I attempted to reach out is totally absurd! You should carefully consider what you put in your posts. Read closely what the original poster is looking for and if you don't totally understand, move on and mind your own buisness. Most people like me are looking to these message boards in hopes to find someone, just one person, who may be going through the same kind of situation. We need to feel that we are not alone. I did not expect, want or even need any of the negative crap that most of you had to offer.
I thank from the bottom of my heart some of the posters who had POSITIVE comments and even alittle advice. I have taken bits and pieces and put together my own little plan of action. If I hadn't had to wade through all the UN-NECESSARY and UN-RELATING posts, my experience here at this site would have been so much more pleasant.
Excellent post, Chuckles!
It is very difficult to be a step-parent when you don't get support. I know first hand how it feels to be told, through actions not words... go to work, bring us your money (and our mom since she won't work), cook for us, clean up after us, take off work to take us to the doctor, take off work to go to the school when we are in trouble, but then keep your mouth shut when we and our bio-mom treat you like crap and certainly do not think that you have any rights to tell us what to do or make any real decisions about our care and upbringing. It sure does stink, but unfortunately alot of the time, it is exactly like this.
I finally gave my husband an ultimatum. I told him I was through taking their treatment of me and him not standing up for me. Either things would change or I would be gone. He finally stood up and told his ex-wife and the kids that they would respect me and the cash cow was dead (we had two of the four kids, still paid the full amount of child support, plus their hands were still constantly out for more). The last year has been much better in that department, but it took three years of begging, crying and acting like a total b**** to get anywhere.
Do you have any contact with your step-son's mother? What is your current schedule? Does your husband have joint custody or sole custody.
Trying to help,
Pam
Chuckles thank you for clarifying. It is *all* parents responsibility to give their kids the best they can and when ex's are not reasonable, then yes, there is only so much you can do as a step parent. It is unfortunate that your step son has such unreasonable bio parents. I guess that is the case for many kids even in so called intact families as well. I am fortunate in that my exhusband is reasonable, being a life long ADD sufferer himself, he understands what our daughter goes thru.
I know how frustrating working with a child that has ADD and ADHD can be. I am a teacher with many children like this in my classes. I aslo suffer with the condition myself.
Here are some things to try. Suggest that the boy try some herbal supplements. These are available through searches on the internet and through natural food stores or supplement stores. I have tried Focus Formula and it really works for me. Also, there is a book called Stopping ADHD. It sounds kind of weird at first, and I was very skeptical when I first saw it. But after reading it, I think every person with ADD or ADHD should read it and we sould all find out if it really works. It is a series of exercises that they claim can stop the symptoms of ADHD. Anyway, I hope this helps.
I think it is too bad that families such as yours can be so affected by the problems of ADHD to the extent that you would want a divorce. Reading lots about ADHD can help you to find ways to help the child. According to the book, if you let the boy eat dinner standing up, he will be much more comfortable. Isn't that amazing! Parents have thanked the authors of the book for that one simple suggestion because it gave them permission to do things differently for their son. Dinner time became pleasant for them! After 7 years of unpleasantness. And they can't divorce their own son.
I hope these things may help you.
I can totally feel your pain on this one. My husbands son is 9 years old and he cannot follow the rules. My husband and I fight constantly over this child because he does all of these things that he should be punished for and then my husband says we shouldnt punish him, hes just a kid. Well, pooping on the neighbors floor isn't kid stuff, not at 9 years old. He refuses to do homework, he is failing the fourth grade, and the list goes on and on and on. My husband tells me sometimes that he thinks I resent his kid because its not biologically mine. I tell him I think he resents me punishing his kid because his life wasn't perfect and he didn't end up with the mother of his kid. Anyway, I don't think its unreasonable for a child of 9 years old to do his homework, and to use the bathroom when he has to, not the floors or his pants. And yes, when he wets his bed he gets punished. My husband also said thats harsh, that he has a problem, but we took him to the doctor and there was no problem. His kid has also told me that he does wake up at night when he has to pee, but he is too tired to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Hmmm, sounds like the only problem here is laziness. Now the pooping on the floor? Who knows. I can't imagine any kid that wouldn't be embarassed to do it, but he didnt seem embarassed at all. I have no idea. If you find a way to make your husband understand you, let me know. Good luck!Rae70, give it a rest already. I am not "pissed-off" or "sh*tted-off", I am trying to make you see that all I ever sought from this site was help. It seems as though you use this site as your personal message board to degrade people. I am far from angry now. I have to admit that while I was initally reading all the pages of posts I was unsettled at almost every one of your responses, but I was not angry. You made me out to be some monster, insinuating that I didn't even like my step-son. As if that wasn't enough, you went off on Chuckles and got into some big cat-fight with her. And she, by the way has been a great help to me in her advice. Every single person who had something to say or respond to you, you did your very best to make them look bad. When in all reality you were making yourself look bad. Can't you see that. I am not hear to criticise you, I don't even know you. But instead of bragging about your 1,500+ posts, I would take a good long look at the next one you decide to write and see if it will actually HELP SOMEONE before it is posted. I do not agree with every ounce of advice that has been given but my marriage is no longer in jeapordy because of a child! And that was the reason I sought out this site.
Excellent - Kudos to you Leigh - no worries.
I am over it!!!
Okay people, at the risk of sounding really stoopid....... what are Kudos?
Is this an American term?
Myboyisspecial38385.8393634259I am surprised Leigh hasn't had her baby after reading all these posts. I think Leigh was insulted so many times, for no reason. She was telling her honest feelings at the time and the feelings were sincere and true and she should not have been condemned for them. She was getting slack from her own husband, that alone will put stress on anyone (pregnant or not) and it's pretty sad that she had to get whipped on this web site.
Trying not to beat a dead horse by dragging on this post, but I wanted to mention again what I said in one of the first posts (dated by heseemsok on 1/3 at 9:59pm). 'I've learned on this site that people tend to NOT side with the comments you make, but give different views.' Leigh, rest assured, i have too read many of Rae70's other posts and found a lot of negativety and mean comments. I'm not pinpointing her, per say, but it seems that you had a lot to say to her.
I know you try to not let these things affect you, but it does tend to stick in your mind. No doubt you've got to be a good person. Good luck.
What is it with People! - GET OVER IT - I apologised does that mean anything to you!
With an apology - usually goes forgiveness - OH Yeah ! Forgot not everyone thinks the same way as me - oops - stupid me.
But whatever I said I meant at the time, and If it would make you all feel better if I went through and deleted all my posts - I will do that.
But for GODS SAKES - Get over it!
People all live different experiences, I was shown through Chuckles some clarity from a Step Mothers point of view, and I conceded. what more do you want - BLOOD
sh*t - does not pay to stand up and have a say on some strong topics does it.
I must remember in future to walk on egg shells and behave for some people can't handle an argument.
Yes I was insulting - Yes I meant it - Yes I took it back - Yes I apologised - Now bugger off laying into me !!!!!
What amazes me is that there are not may people who could publically apologise and especially a person with ADHD - So what I did was difficult and all I get for it is more sh*t
Rae
Rae7038385.891724537I have read a lot of Raes posts also and have found many words of encouragement, wisdom and support (and some comic relief!). Rae calls a spade, a spade and this issue has sparked feelings for the stepson in all of us. Rae has alot to offer people on these boards with her experiences and knowledge.
On this particular topic, my feelings are that alot of posters got personal and judged people they do not know! Things were said that I thought were unnecessary and unhelpful.
It looked as though everyone had come to an understanding and learned something from this.
I think that the poor horse is well and truly flogged!
Myboyisspecial wrote:
Ok people, at the risk of sounding really stoopid....... what are Kudo
There is no such thing as a stupid question. Kudos means giving praise for acheivements
Rae
My advice would be to ignore and walk away. you have apologised and can do no more. It's very rare to come across people who speak thier mind. That is unless they have ADHD You are a commited member of the site and have a lot of experience to give!!
Dansmum x
I can certaintly understand what you are saying. Support goes both way and your husband needs to show more support towards you. If you are supposed to be a "parent" to this little boy, than it has to be 50/50. If teachers, babysitters, and his own Mom are saying the same things than your husband needs to back you up. I go thru this with my husband. He lets my son do whatever he wants so that he doesnt have to "deal" with him, but then I suffer the reprocutions of this thruout the day. All children need limitations and structure, it's that simple. It's just harder when the child is ADHD (jmo).
Try not to get yourself to stressed out also! It is not good for the baby you are carrying!
Rae
I only joined this site a few weeks ago and your posts jumped out straight away as being extremely true/honest/from the heart/experienced, yes some were critical but they were done in an honest way, but the best of it all is your sense of humour. Keep hold of that, i like your honesty.
Leigh
I can understand why you felt you were being criticised, but take it as good advice. None of us are experts but we are willing to talk about our problems and sometimes get blasted from our friends on here if they dont agree.
[QUOTE=iyardie]Who is the winner:
Ritalin=Concaine Addendum so far has = 15 threads
in second place
Possible divorce due to adhd step-son so far has = 9 thread
The competition ends January 29th.
[/QUOTE]
I'll put my money on Ritalin = Cocaine Addendum, it just got kicked in the guts again!
A friend of mine read this thread also and wanted to add this comment. She did not register as she does not know much about ADHD. But as a person that has lived through life with a difficult condition, I valued her input
Hey Rach, Cannot post to the ADHD site - not a member, but I would like to make a couple of comments. Would you please put it up for me? I am a guest here at the behest of a friend. I know very little about ADHD and I have not yet read all the messages posted to this topic, however most of what I have read bears quite a few similarities to my own life. I was born with the fourth most serious level of Spina Bifida called Myelomeningocele. "SHAME on those of you who dare to criticize and condem me for any of my actions! If you will notice in my original post I was looking for SUPPORT! Nowhere in my post will find that I was looking for negative comments, more frustration or even validation! If that was what I was looking for I would have never sought out this site and gotten everything I needed right here on the homefront. If you have never spent even one minute in a situation like mine than you should have kept your post and your opinions to yourself if all you had to offer were condeming comments."
Leigh, sometimes the truth hurts. The people here at this site have offered you some very valuable advice. Whether or not you choose to take this advice is your choice but if you truly wish for the help and support that you say you want, then I would suggest that you get off you high horse and start listening instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Do not attempt to deny your self-pity either because it is quite evident that is what you are doing. Why else would you make the above statement. As my Mother would say 'pride goeth before the fall'.
"Those of you who sit up there in your little white ivory towers who think you got it all figured out. Not one of you with an ADHD child, wheather bioloigical or step, can honestly say that you have NEVER yelled at your child, had an arguement with your spouse because of the child or felt like throwing in the towel!"
From what I have read thus far not one person in this topic has ever denied this.
"So for you to even remotely look down your nose at me for having all that I could take on that particular day I attempted to reach out is totally absurd! You should carefully consider what you put in your posts."
I believe, Madam, that you should be taking your own advice here.
Read closely what the original poster is looking for and if you don't totally understand, move on and mind your own buisness. Most people like me are looking to these message boards in hopes to find someone, just one person, who may be going through the same kind of situation. We need to feel that we are not alone. I did not expect, want or even need any of the negative crap that most of you had to offer.
A piece of my own advice for you - if you don't like the answer, then don't ask the question. Also - you only get out of life what you put into it and your attitude is what makes the difference.
If I hadn't had to wade through all the UN-NECESSARY and UN-RELATING posts, my experience here at this site would have been so much more pleasant.
Honesty is unpleasant at times but that does not make it unnecessary or unrelated. If this sounds harsh to you then perhaps you should simply take the easy way out and leave your husband. I have been in a very similar position to this child. I have also watched my own parents go through hell because of me but we all made it through because my Mother had the balls to make sure we did. In the beginning though they spent a lot of time arguing over me and it left me with the kind of psychological damage that, at 37, I am still trying to work through. I don't give a bugger whether this child is biologically yours or not. You married this man and that makes his child your responsiblity as well as his. Another issue I have yet to see properly addressed in this topic is the guilt that parents feel when their child is "not quite right" (societally speaking). It is a driving force in a parents life and, in all likelihood, your constant arguing about his son is also having a detrimental effect on your husband as your comments will act on his guilt for his sons condition, making him feel even more so that he is at fault for his sons problems, which he is not but this, in turn, affects his own self-esteem, which makes him less likely to listen when you really do need help. It is not easy to be thrown in the deep end but you deal the cards you are dealt. You did not go into this relationship blind. Your self-pity and spite is not only damaging your relationship but also your husbands, his sons, your own and even your own sons self-esteem. RAAFBratDamn I was thinking the same thing posted on the Ritalin thread and came here but you beat me too it lol.
That woman that started this thread never even came back did she. lol we just went on without her.
[QUOTE=*-*Forgetful*-*]well to mix this up alil im a bio-mom and have conplaints about the step dad hmmm lets see how this goes. My husband and son do not get along at all they fuse and fight all they time it seems as if he just waits for my son to mess up to b**ch at him! im so fed up with this . I've explained to him to chill and not worry over every little thing. That he cant help some of the stuff he does or doesnt do . And that he needs to spend little more time with him and get to know him better. my husband and i have a little girl (3YRS OLD) togethier he spends alot of time with her and plays with her all the time and cody sees this and knows my hubby is making to big diff. between them. how can i get him to see what a big diff is is making between the 2 AND to stop being so dang picky when it comes to "our" son!!!
[/QUOTE]
Hi Forgetful
After a night of thought on what has been said by myself and others regarding this thread, I thought I should start from the beginning and read it all again to see how we all got into such a crappy fight and found your post there amongst it, and I related to it, so I wanted to reply to you.
I have 4 children, 3 of which are my husbands step children. Since our relationship started, when my son was 20 months old, he has never got on with my son. He was hard on him, annoyed by him, and did not understand him at all. He would always say - there is something seriously wrong with that boy, tell him to go away, yell at him and make him feel horrible, because he did not know how to parent correctly, he was just thrown into it, because he fell in love with me!
I as his Mum, did not think that there was something "wrong" with my son and took great offense to it. I knew that he was difficult, hyper, had acid fingers (breaks everything), tantrumed, etc etc..... But I had similar problems with my first, but because she was small and a girl, I could physically restrain her more easily. So to me he was just a typical kid - I new little better.
From the age of 20 months to 7 years of age - my husband was really harsh - to the point of emotionally cruel at times. I am amazed we made it all. I would defend my son constantly. I remember always saying to my husband, that I dont disagree with the fact he needs discipline for bad behaviour, but it is how the discipline is handed out, that I am disagreeing with. But my husband always felt that I was just being a bitch.
Yesterday I showed my husband this thread, and we talked about things.
My husband said to me, that he was wrong in the early years. That as a step parent, he was horrible. He is now excellent, getting the diagnosis for my son made a huge difference. It helped him understand.
My husband said that having a bio child of his own, helped him understand why I was protective, and how children should be treated. He acknowledged that Damian is generally a really good kid, just has a few issues.
He has learnt to love my son with all his heart, and he is very proud of him. He calls him his son and my son calls him Dad. It is wonderful. But he still slips sometimes and disciplines him too harshly, but I pull him up and that is okay.
We talked about how we got to this point, my husband said it was because I took him to a parenting course, which helped him, and also because I was very honest about everything with him. I took his anger and his crap constantly and stuck by my guns. In hindsight, my husband believes that if he had never met me and my kids, he would never have been a better person.
He stated We have enriched his life and made him a more compassionate, empathetic, understanding and loving man. And being a step parent for him has been very hard, but now he loves it.
So take heart!
Perhaps you could say to your husband, how would he feel if you were to favour your son and not his and your child. It would seem like an injustice.
I spose some step parents on this thread, have very harsh views on their parenting.
But my husband insists that my kids are his kids too in his heart, and he is fully aware he has no legal rights to them, but he is not scared of that. He is brave enough to love them as his own, without "owning them"!
And this hit home hard, when my daughter was in hospital for 20 days and in a coma for 7. My husband sat by her bedside for 7 days, crying, while her bio father and I had to make all the decisions on operations and blood transfusions. He was powerless to help. He was so upset by it. No one came to comfort him, my ex and I were comforted tho. No one asked him how he was coping, but we were asked, and no one asked him his opinion - I was so preoccupied with the whole dilemma that I could not focus on him at all. But in hindsight I could imagine how painful that was. Sometimes I think steps are too frightened to try to love their step kids because they have no real legal control over them. But that is just a thought.
So there are men that change and improve as time goes on.
Also CHUCKLES - although my husband agrees with some of the things you say about step parenting - he also feels that you are wrong in a lot of ways.
So you do not talk for most step parents as you state. But in fact just some.
Rae7038378.7248032407Well either this thread or the Ritalin=Cocaine thread needs to stay open, thats how I keep upping my post #'s.Rae said - From the age of 20 months to 7 years of age - my husband was really harsh - to the point of emotionally cruel at times. I am amazed we made it all. I would defend my son constantly. I remember always saying to my husband, that I dont disagree with the fact he needs discipline for bad behaviour, but it is how the discipline is handed out, that I am disagreeing with.
I can sooo relate to this Rae and my husband is our sons bio dad, not step dad, as you know. Sounds as though you have a very special man and you have inspired me to hang in there. I believe we will get there, slowly but surely.
[QUOTE=Myboyisspecial]Rae said - From the age of 20 months to 7 years of age - my husband was really harsh - to the point of emotionally cruel at times. I am amazed we made it all. I would defend my son constantly. I remember always saying to my husband, that I dont disagree with the fact he needs discipline for bad behaviour, but it is how the discipline is handed out, that I am disagreeing with.
I can sooo relate to this Rae and my husband is our sons bio dad, not step dad, as you know. Sounds as though you have a very special man and you have inspired me to hang in there. I believe we will get there, slowly but surely.
[/QUOTE]
Well that would be even harder to handle. I sat my son and husband down once and said to my son, Damian you did not have a dad before Tony, and Tony you did not have a son before Damian. Dont you think that you were brought together because you need each other. They went quite and then smiled at each other - it was really nice.
Fathers and Sons often have problems, because of expectations. Somehow the dad needs to just remove his expectations and see his son, for who he is, not what he would like him to be or should be.
Fathers and Sons often have problems, because of expectations. Somehow the dad needs to just remove his expectations and see his son, for who he is, not what he would like him to be or should be
Amen to that!
[QUOTE=atworkbutsleepi]
Rae70 said, "Comes from being convict stock."
This is too funny! I'm glad to see a sense of humor around here.
[/QUOTE] You're speaking about the TEACHERS - OF COURSE!atworkbutsleepi wrote:
This is too funny! I'm glad to see a sense of humor around here
Too funny indeed. Rae is our resident comediene
iyardie wrote:
The competition ends January 29th
How hilarious iyardie...... Ok folks...get your game face on!!!!!!!!! The 29th is right around the corner
Wow - This has been one of the most interesting/funny/sad/entertaining and very knowledgeable posts that I have read on here.
Only joined a few days ago and addicted already so I though I would add my bit all the way from the UK.
Good luck to all
Rae70 said, "Comes from being convict stock."
This is too funny! I'm glad to see a sense of humor around here.
Iyardie
Is that the que to stop posting?
If so sign me up!!!!!
Dansmum x
PS. Is there a prize for one of us to start another long thread!!!!!!!!
Ritalin=Concaine Addendum so far has = 15 threads
in second place
Possible divorce due to adhd step-son so far has = 9 thread
The competition ends January 29th.
I didn't realize that you weren't in the US, so maybe that's the normal term in your country. I actually didn't read any of the posts after that because I did get a bit offended. But I'm okay. Thank you for explaining.
Well Monie - I guess australians dont generally think about americans as black and white - you are all just americans - (well talking for this australian anyway).
So when I am forced to think about the two different races in one country, I guess my first name for you would have been blacks and whites - but then I thought perhaps that was a racial slur - so I thought then that negro was right - so No i have no idea what you all call yourselves.
To tell you the truth I dont know what the aboriginals here prefer to be called either, apart from the 'original australians", which some whites feel offended by.
So my poor brain would rather not try to figure out what the actual correct terms are for everyone. I am just a pure bred Aussie mongel. A bit of this and bit of that! I think I am the end result of Irish, Scandanavian, Polish, Some greek, and whatever the milkman had in him over the generations. LOL
So yeah - Race means very little to me - as I have no particular cultural background. Comes from being convict stock.
In your experiences and watching others experiences, do any of you think that there is a huge difference for Step Dads than Step Mums.
I guess that Step Dads, are not so much expected to step into the nurture role as heavily, so perhaps it is easier to be a Step Father, than to be a Step Mother.
I made a conscious decision in my single parenting life that I would never date men with children. My whole being knew that I could not manage my own as well as I would like as well as mother anothers children as well.
I am one of these people that will have to do the job perfectly or not at all - so I guess I decided I could never perfect being the wicked step mum.
So ladies, you deserve a medal or a straight jacket (I havent decided which yet LMAO), and know that in future, I will ask before blast.
Cheers.
In your experiences and watching others experiences, do any of you think that there is a huge difference for Step Dads than Step Mums.
I guess that Step Dads, are not so much expected to step into the nurture role as heavily, so perhaps it is easier to be a Step Father, than to be a Step Mother.
I believe it is much harder to be a stepmom than stepdad. The men seem to expect that we will just take on the role of mom, in spite of the fact that these are not legally or biologically our kids. Often, I have carry more of the parental responsibility than the bio-parents.
I am one of these people that will have to do the job perfectly or not at all -
HMMM. Perfectionism or bust. Got a little ADHD yourself, mom? (Just teasing here)
So ladies, you deserve a medal or a straight jacket (I havent decided which yet LMAO),
Both I do believe!
and know that in future, I will ask before blast.
We never get too old to learn and grow, do we?
Rae70....I don't speak for all step-parents nor have I represented myself as such. I speak for myself. I give an opinion based on my experience. I am well aware that every situation is different. I am pleased that your husband has found a way to work past his issues with your son...had you asked his opinion at the beginning of your relationship, I am sure his response would have been different. He found some way to work through it, just as the original poster was trying to do. I am sure it took time and a committment from him, people don't just change overnight, and I respect him for that. I believe I made the comment from the start about detaching, letting bios parent their own kids, working on keeping their own room clean (expression) and letting others have the reigns of their own lives. You cannot force someone to be who you want them to be, you cannot force them to change, you cannot force them to parent the way you want them to, live the way you want them to, or act the way you want them to, they have to want to. From the sounds of your post Rae70, your husband took nearly 6 years to work it out, you shoud understand the posters frustrations. After all that time and work and changing he still did not receive the respect he deserved when your child was in the hospital. Thankfully, his love for your child was enough to get him through when he could have used the support and sharing that you and your ex received. That is the frustration and if you could just accept second fiddle for the rest of your life, despite practicing and working for first, then you are a bigger person than me. I have been married for 3.5 years and I have come full circle. I have been a part of my stepsons life for 5.5 years. It has been a hard road....with legal battles over custody, battles over medical treatment, battles over time spent, battles over activities, battles over just about eveything, PASing on the part of his biomom. I have watched my husband suffer for years and there is literally nothing I can do to relieve that stress except be supportive. We have suffered financial loss while trying to do what is best for his son, we have missed family vacations, we have missed monumental moments in his life that can never be recovered, we have had the police called, we have had to call the police, we have suffered disappointment after disappoinment, we have had ruined holidays and ruined visits due to his biomom. I have sat second seat, supporting, cheering, funding, loving, putting myself last in the long chain of people in my life. I have felt left out and alone. I have felt burdened, stressed, put-upon and attacked. I have been ridiculed in public, treated with disdain, and minimized. I have been overlooked and pushed aside. I have been blamed for the break-up (even though I was no where in the picture) and blamed for why they didn't get back together (by both biomom and stepson). I have even been blamed for my stepson having ADHD....figure that one out! Until I had my own biochild, I actually felt that this is how it was going to be for the rest of my marriage, I was going to be the bottom of the barrel, the dirt on someone's shoe...I had chosen to marry a man with a child. I actually told people that if I had it to do again, I wouldn't and I still advise strongly about getting involved with people who have children. I used to tell my husband how I thought he should do things. I used to talk to all the lawyers. I used to involve myself with all the doctor's visits. I used to remind my husband when the schedule was due, when we had to pick-up and drop-off. I used to take complete care of my stepson, making appointments, developing strategies. I used to do pick-ups and drop-offs, I would take time off of work to take care of my husbands legal issues related to his son. I used to write all the letters to biomom and handle all the email responses. I used to get so inflamed when my husband didn't follow the rules and then we would have an issue with biomom and then there would be more issues. I lost respect for my husband because I didn't feel that he was handling things the way he "should", parenting the way he "should". We fought constantly about everything related to my stepson....we even (horrible as it is) fought in front of my stepson about my stepson and his biomom. We constantly disagreed about what the "right" way of doing things was. My stepson was really starting to dread coming to our home and was a holy terror, playingone against the other. I read my books looking for help, my husband denied, denied, denied and ignored the problems. We were a united front in everything but this and it was the biggest part of our lives...we attended counseling for the family and for ourselves. We were slowly losing control of our own household, our own family...we talked about separation. That is when I found support and decided that the right thing for my family was for me to stop giving my opinion and let my husband decide for his child. If he asked my opinion, I would gladly offer it and we had some really healthy discussions for the first time about my stepson. We decided on a course of action and I turned everything over to him...scheduling, dealing with biomom, appointments...everything related to him parenting his son. He deserved that respect, he deserved to be treated like the adult and parent he was and I stopped making the decisions when he wouldn't or didn't. It was up to him to sink or swim. I was afraid that he would drown frankly, but he suprised me, he started doggy paddling and before he knew it he was an olympic swimmer in his dealings with his son. Our life was better, my stepsons life was better and we didn't let his biomom have any control in our household from that day on. Detaching...letting go and letting God (from a 12-step perspective)....keeping your own room clean is what I advised for the poster. It works and everyone gets healthier. I love my stepson as if he were my own, but he isn't, that is the reality. He has two capable parents who need to be parents to him. My love and involvement in his life is gravy. This way may not be the norm, but it has saved us a lot of heartache. You marry a man with kids...you marry a family...but you do not sacrifice your self respect, that is God-given...and you do not marry your husbands ex. People are human and make mistakes, it is in correcting them and going forward that points to true courage. Everyone faces some type of adversity in their lives, we shouldn' be so critical as to how they deal with it or what steps they take. I wish the original poster peace, but at least peace of mind that she did everything she could to save her marriage and her family. It was a little upsetting to see how quickly people rose to judge and point out her faults, not knowing the entire situation. Not very supportive. She was very honest about looking for support or advice from those is a similar situation, why is it that people cannot just pass by if they don't have contructive things to offer? If someone were looking for advice about dealing with an alcoholic relative, would you post a response if you didn't know anyone with alcoholism? As far as taking the judgements with the advice....some can't handle that...others don't give a flying fig about it. That is something that makes us unique. I feel sorry to the poster that she did not return because she is not alone. That is what she needed to hear. As always have a great day! &n bsp;
Chuckles, I completely understand now where your frustrations and anger comes from. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly with me.
Isn't it ridiculous how people can get into a fight about an issue, because they have experiences of their own that they are sensitive about.
I as a bio-Mum, going through the crap of "training" (for lack of a better word) a new step parent, whilst still trying to develop a relationship.
And you as the Step-Parent, trying your best to learn how to parent, only to feel like you are being emotionally broken down, and taken advantage of.
I applaud you for your commitment to your family and thank you once again for helping me understand you better and also the original poster.
I do want to understand and I do care about people. I guess I am so naturally trained to be defensive of my kids, that I feel that I feel senstive about it.
As you in the other shoes.
So lets call it truce, and I apologise if I hurt you or Leigh33, and I hope that we can all work together with our combined knowledge of our situations to better understand our ADHD children and each other.
If Leigh comes back - perhaps what she could gain from all of this, is a better understanding of the Bio Parent as well as that of her own. And help her understand her own relationship better, and why she is having problems.
My only advice, and my Husbands is, As a Step Parent - you have to CHOOSE to be brave enough to Love that which you have no ability to control or have any claim over. This is overcoming our natural fear of loss, and risk taking, and it is very hard. And unless the child is recipricol, it is near impossible. I do however believe some kids look back when they are 30 and appreciate their step parent, if their step parent did their best.
Love and LIght to you Chuckles and thank you once again for making me a better person through seeing anothers point of view.
Cheers.
Hi everyone,
congrats to all for finally having peace!
All i have to say is that Leigh may have not come back to the forum however i have been watching this space with special interest for all my story with the effects of having an ADHDer or more at home. I have ended my marriage. NOT specific due to have a step-son with ADHD.
I have learned a lot from all the posts, each and every one. Some things i did not agree so i would take account but all the experiences have been very valuable.
I have learned some typical behavioral attitudes from an ADHD, I have learned extra alternatives on how to deal with it and I have also found closure to some of the guilt i had for "letting my step-son down" when i ended my marriage.
I have described part of my story in previous posts and now i am more positive than ever. Had i stayed i would not have been able to do it on my own, as i wasn't.
As a step-mother, Chuckles described the same type of care i always had for my step-children(2 boys), the same dedication, and the same kind of strategies i tried. She was successful in getting the Dad involved and taking responsibilities for it. I wasn't. It is important to point out the boys lived with me and their dad on 24/7 only going to bio-mum 2 wkends a month.
Rae, as a bio-mum, described a series of strategies i have tried myself, like getting into parental courses and similars. I believe Rae was with her husband attending the classes supporting him. Despite numerous pleas to get my husband to go courses with me to help me learn and develop better parental skills, all i heard was it was not necessary and we were all fine (mind you i could feel the house coming down on us, figuratevely speaking. Problems were mounting)
Now all i know they seem to be very happy whether they do their school work or not, wash their hands, have their showers, brush their teeths and hair or not,eat crap food or not use their manners or not. They miss me, his daugther and little sister for sure in their own way for the many things i was useful to
. My ex-husband decided to stop giving his son's medication because the kid said he is fine he doesn't need it. My ex is still being called to school regarding his son's behaviour every week or so (and he tells me all this!!).
We don't know whether Leigh have tried all the strategies and suggestions or not but i sure did not get that she blamed solely her step-son (as I don't) from her possible divorce.
I hope she can come back to this forum to see all the good that came out of it.
Grom myself personally i want to thank you all who contributed to this.
cheers.
I have to admit, I feel sorry for your 8 yr. old step-son. You obviously don't understand ADHD and expect this child to "behave" and act "normal" to suit your needs and not his. One of the major issues with ADHD children is self-esteem and you seem to be killing this kid's self esteem. Remember, negative attention is just as good as positive attention to a child. You're expecting things of him, he may not be able to do -- ever. ADHD is often a problem with impulse control, and you want to punish him for things he may not be able to control.
What I have found, is that you have to provide and establish "normalcy" around the ADHD condition. You cannot expect your ss to act like your child that does not have ADHD. Even on the appropriate medications, that doesn't change the child's personality or automatically make him into a saint, or even an average kid. ADHD children have a different kind of spirit and if you weren't so busy criticizing and demoralizing this child, you might find a way to celebrate it and in return, gain his respect. The worse thing you can do is have unrealistic expectations of an ADHD child. I would start small, and as difficult as it is, try complimenting him, spend some alone time with him, make him feel important instead of contantly yelling/telling him what he's doing wrong. See, he hears this as, "You're stupid. You're worthless. You're the problem in our marriage."
This situation makes me want to cry. It's really sad. This is a child, not a 40 yr. old man, yet you expect him to act like one. I also think you elevate your own child's behavior to further alienate this child. I'm not laying all blame on you, but you are the adult here, I think it's time you start acting like it.
Leigh33Dont Give up yet you may be all he has if the bio-father and mother are not paying attention to his ADHD problems. I am new this board but not new to ADHD My son was diagnosed about three years ago. I had gone in to the doctors office and said Christmas break is a week away and I felt I was going to go absolutly crazy with my (at the time 6 year old) at home for 2 weeks. All he would do is argue, fight, yell and not stop physically tormenting my other 2 children all day long. She started him on ritalin. Things have not been easy I am a single mom and there are days I would just like to walk out on them all. But I am still here and some days are better than others some are even great. I guess so this message does not go on forever, Just don't give up get some counsling keep reading just try to love hime like one of your own. ADHD is hard to live with and you will see in the end, he will love and respect you for toughing it out and your other 2 kids will see what a careing and loving mother you are to them all. Also maby a med change My son was quite aggressive on concerta I am now trying strattera. If you would like to talk drop me a line at LittlePrincess@dc.rr.com Gook luck, Amy
[QUOTE=LovesHerHero]I can totally feel your pain on this one.
What about the pain this boy is feeling?
My husbands son is 9 years old and he cannot follow the rules. My husband and I fight constantly over this child because he does all of these things that he should be punished for and then my husband says we shouldnt punish him, hes just a kid. Well, pooping on the neighbors floor isn't kid stuff, not at 9 years old.
Why can't he follow the rules? Why did he poop on the neighbours floor? What sorts of punishment do you administer? It's clear to me just from these first sentences that this boy is not getting the help he needs.
He refuses to do homework, he is failing the fourth grade, and the list goes on and on and on. My husband tells me sometimes that he thinks I resent his kid because its not biologically mine. I tell him I think he resents me punishing his kid because his life wasn't perfect and he didn't end up with the mother of his kid.
How can you resent a nine year old boy? You call him "his kid" and refer to him as "it"....that speaks volumes! He is a child who obviously has some big problems that need to be dealt with appropriately. It is plain to see that what you and your husband are doing is not working and making things worse.
Anyway, I don't think its unreasonable for a child of 9 years old to do his homework, and to use the bathroom when he has to, not the floors or his pants.
You are right, it's not unreasonable for a child of nine to do these things, that is why you need to have a good long look at what you are doing. He needs support, love, understanding and acceptance and based on the negativity that reeks in this post, he is getting very little! I don't believe ANY child wants to be bad, they have feelings that they don't know how to express and when they are unhappy or deeply affected in some way, it manifests itself in their behaviour.
And yes, when he wets his bed he gets punished.
What are your "punishments"?
My husband also said thats harsh, that he has a problem, but we took him to the doctor and there was no problem. His kid has also told me that he does wake up at night when he has to pee, but he is too tired to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Hmmm, sounds like the only problem here is laziness. Now the pooping on the floor? Who knows. I can't imagine any kid that wouldn't be embarassed to do it, but he didnt seem embarassed at all.
If the doctor says there's no problem then you need to see another doctor. It's quite evident there IS a problem because he still wets the bed!! Whether it be physical or psychological or both, he has a problem.
I have no idea.
No you don't have much of an idea. You have to change your outlook on this boy. No child deserves such negativity and resentment, he needs help.
If you find a way to make your husband understand you, let me know. Good luck.
Please remember that he is just a child. You and your husband are the adults and need to work together to find a compromise that works for everyone. I assume your stepson lives with you so why make his life and your life miserable? What did you expect when you married this boys father? Did you not realise that you would become this boys stepmum and would be required to play a positive role in his life? I am not saying that you are the cause of all his problems, but you are contributing to them with your negativity and resentment.
I would strongly recommend that you and your husband seek counseling and learn how to help and discipline this boy in a constructive and positive manner. Also get your stepson some professional help to work through his problems. He needs UNDERSTANDING not resentment.
leigh - It is sounding good! - I am honestly very happy things are working out.
I have terrible trouble getting my son to do his homework, but he will sit there pleasantly and do it if my husband tells him too.
I think it has a lot to do with Males interacting with boys also. Boys are naturally a little chauvanistic (generally speaking) I feel. And tend to have power struggles with us Mums/Step Mums.
All the best !
Rae
Rae7038392.8234606481To LOVESHERHERO
Sounds like you have a similar situation as I had. Although mine is getting better, I do realize that it is going to be a long road. The best advice that I received from this site is to "STEP-BACK". My husband expected me to be the "mother" of my step-son, but I'm not his mother, he has one. One that he loves very much, and one that he was not about to let be replaced. Once I stepped back and relieved myself of most of his duties (ie...getting him up and getting him ready for school, taking him to school, picking him up from school, helpping with homework, making sure he took a shower & went to the bathroom - he to has a problem pooping on his own, he would rather sh*t his pants than stop what he's doing and take time to just go!) I flat out said I wasn't going to do it anymore. With me not doing it and sticking to it, my husband was forced to get up an hour early (the same time I used to) to get his son up, ready and to school so that he wouldn't be late for work. That in itself relieved SO much stress, for me AND my step-son. I had not been wanting to get up and get him to school, and he had not wanted me to take him. He had wanted his dad to take him. Now things start out much smoother for both of us right off the bat. I do not help him with his homework anymore, his dad does. The only reason I used to help him was because I had more patience, there was no yelling, screaming and crying when I helpped him. I didn't care how long he had to sit at the table, but he wasn't getting up until it was done properly and legible. Sometimes it took til bedtime and my whole evening was wasted. Now I don't even ask if he has any, his dad handles it. Sometimes it's not pretty, but he has taken responsibility. If he doesn't poop, he doesn't poop. If I find sh*tty underwear in my clothes basket I make him come and get them and wash them out in the sink. He is on medication, some kind of stool softner, to make him go everyday, but he thinks he can still hold it......he can't. You would think that at 8 1/2 years of age he might become a little self concious about that, but he's not. I don't worry about his bedtime anymore, if his dad doesn't make him go to bed on time oh well. It's not me that has to get him up for school in the morning, it's him. I deal with my son. I still cook dinner for him, pack his lunch, do his laundry and put away his clothes. I remind him of simple things, like hang up your coat, take your shoes off, pick up your toys....those kind of things, but the big stuff is off my shoulders now. If that makes me a bad person to some readers here, SO BE IT. It has worked for us. Life is more simple here now, and with simple comes pleasant. And that is something that we have not had around here in a long time. I was expected to handle my step-son's day to day activities just as I would my own son's, it was unfair and unjust for my husband to put this responsiblity upon me. Now that he has taken the responsibility things are good. Counseling is still a must, but this approach MAY work. It gets rid of A LOT of stress. My relationship with my step-son is fast getting better too, with no stress between us why wouldn't it.
My heart goes out to you lovesherhero. DO NOT let anyone on this site make you feel bad for ANYTHING that you say here. There are those of us out here that have walked a mile in your shoes. But change is the only way things are going to get better. And they CAN get better.
Wow! I'm not going to post anything lengthy because my eyes are tired from readin all these posts beating up on this woman. Yes, there is negative criticism that should be taken maturely, but it must be given maturely too. Some of your posts made it seem like you know this woman personally. If you don't, I think you should go a little easier. If people are coming here for help, I would assume the help is a genuine need. If the poster is a joke, they should be ignored. I actually took it as she was frustrated and had to get out all of her immediate anger. Most people do this, just to vent. Then, as you calm down and think things through, it isn't all that bad. I'm glad she got SOME support.
Monie2boys, you made a great point! Also, I think it should be said that there is not one single perfect parent in this world. We have all made mistakes and handled situations with our children wrong at one time or another. Whether a parent is handling a situation right or wrong, they come here to get help... not be judged
Judging people will just make the people that need help afraid to ask for it... and we don't want that!
The word support is very subjective and has different meanings for different people. When people are pointing out where they think you are going wrong, they are offering support, just maybe in a different light. If you wanted cheerleaders, then you should have asked for cheerleaders, not support. Sometimes being supportive is telling people the truth, even if they dont want to hear it.
I do hope if anything that you all can get that poor kid on a normal, fair to HIM, schedule. That 5 day-5 day thing is simply horrible and Im not surprised all the trouble you have with that kind of schedule for this poor child - who did nothing to deserve it but be born.
Okay Leigh - I get it your pissed - no worries !!!!
But rather than get all sh*tted off again, why dont you also try to find some valuable information in my 'critical' posts and that of my friend, just because you find them a personal attack (and they may be) does not mean there is not valuable information in there from the bio parents side. I was hoping that is what you would gain from it. A better understanding of why your husband is defensive, and that is afterall the sort of thing you are seeking. How to improve your relationship.
The reason my friend posted is because she has always had a disability and knows what it is like to grow up with parents that are stressed by her condition. And as an adult can relay the emotions that she went through as a child - is that also not what you wanted, to understand your step son better.
Some of my most valuable lessons have come from people that have pissed me off - so perhaps even this negative experience may be something you may value one day.
But look - I would much rather get along with you now. I have explained my situation and apologised. No need to rub it in!
So therefore I hope we can just shake hands and acknowledge our differences and understand where each is at and perhaps me may find we have a lot to offer each other.
You can help me understand my husbands experiences as a step parent, and I can help you understand the bio's point of view.
Okies -
Cheers
Rae
What's with the new Avatar? You sexy beast you!!!!!
You do realise we will see you in a different light now!!!!
Dansmum xx
Due to an overwhelming amount of private messages of support and encouragement, I decided to return and read all the posts. I do have to say that I was sick to my stomach reading all of Rae70's critical posts. I realize that she has since apoligized and everything is good again, but geezz come on. Was all that arguing really necessary. It seems that the original post was lost sight of. Despite of what Rae70 thought, I was not looking for a "bitch-session". I was looking for someone to reach out to. And despite all of the bad things that were said about me here, I did find the support I had been looking for. Wheather or not I agree with ANYTHING that was posted here is beside the point, it's the personal attacks that are so mind boggling. Rae70 even had the mindset to post personal attacks against me from HER FRIEND, who wasn't even a member. Come on Rae70, even you can not be so blind to see that that was not helpful information to be passing on to someone. In the future please try to be compassionate to the poster, attacking them is not support no matter how much you sugar-coat it. Offering advise is always helpful but please be open-minded enough to do it in a way that someone will accept and acknowledge the advice you are offering them. Some of you said that I can not accept constructive criticism. This is so far from the truth. What I can't take is down right rude criticism from people who don't know me, or haven't bothered to get the whole story.
For those of you who even care, I have found ways to improve my relationship with my husband. Chuckles had some very, very valid points in her posts, reguardless of the bashing that came from Rae70. Different people live their lives differently and unless it is possing cruel and unusual punishment upon someone (or even something) they should not be judged and condemed for it. What works for one person does not always work for someone else. That doesn't make it wrong or immoral. It just seems that "some" of you are so closed-minded about this topic because you are being so protective of your children. When in all reality, what good does this really do your children. You can not be with them 24/7 and they are going to have to face the music of the real world sooner or later. And that music is, is that not EVERYONE in this world is going to understand them or even want to. Are you going to "go-off" on every single person that this will apply to (and blame them for any conflict) or will you hold your children accountable for their actions?
The point is, is stop being so critical to those who seek out this sight. If it was not for the love of a child who has ADHD, no-one would even be here! So why would you even begin to chastise or degrade someone who mustered up the courage to type up a post? They, we, I want help, not more heartache. We want understanding, not more confussion. We want acceptance for our lack of ability to deal with our current situations, and gentle guidence to lead us to a more suitable, calming manner in which to start this never ending journey. We are not angry with you, so why would you be so hateful and hurtful in your replies to our cries for help?
Nice to see you back here and I'm glad things are working out with your hubby. How is your son doing better I hope? I hope that some of the things said on this site you did not take to heart. For the most part I think that people have tried to be supportive to your situation. It's hard to be a mom and even harder to be a stept I think. Good luck to you your husband and your son. Maria[QUOTE=Dansmum]
Rae
What's with the new Avatar? You sexy beast you!!!!!
You do realise we will see you in a different light now!!!!
Dansmum xx
[/QUOTE]
Its a beautiful avatar isnt it - she is the elf out of Lord of the Rings - couldnt resister her!
On the outside I am a 34 year old smoker - but inside I feel just as beautful as her. I am an elf stuck in a human body with all its weaknesses LMAO.
Rae7038388.8360532407
Earlier in this thread, someone used the term "bugger off".
I've seen that periodically in message boards. Is that supposed to mean something different than "bug off", aka "leave me alone" ??
No Cherish - it pretty much means leave me alone.
But with a hint also of telling them to shove it where the sun dont shine LOL
I just wanted to pipe in with my two supporting cents.....I feel your pain as I am a step of an 8 year-old boy with ADHD. I realize that you think you are at your breaking point, unfortunately, only someone in your shoes can understand how you feel and what you are going through. I am in your shoes.
Everyone is pointing out how you are making his life miserable and making things worse....you are not doing this....your husband is doing this. Marrying a man with children is not a bad thing and if it didn't happen, most people would be single parents, alone and with kids, because the divorce rate is 50%. You didn't do anything wrong......keep in mind and repeat to yourself...not your child, not your problem. It is your husbands and his exs job to raise this child, and either accept or not accept his behavior and issues.....not yours. The only area that you can control is your own.....you need to set boundaries for what behavior you will accept in your home and what behavior you will not accept. You need to disengage from the situation, but inform your spouse and your SS that is what you will be doing. I know it sounds very difficult and it is, but it is a way to save your sanity. If you husband loves you the way he should and puts you as a priority then things will start to fall into place, if not then you are no worse off then when you started.
First and foremost, figure out what it is that you want from this relationship with your SS....do you want mutual respect and understanding as an example. Then firgure out what you expect from this relationship...you all get along or at least pretend to as an example. Then figure out your boundaries, set them and prepare to defend them. For example, I will not tolerate disrespect from my SS in my home and I expect that he be disciplined for bad behavior that affects me or my other child. I have outlined examples to my husband and he is quick to take care of these issues. Then, share this new lifestyle with your husband and his child. Then the hard part comes.....let it all go. Do not discipline, do not babysit, do not say a word unless it crosses your boundaries and then speak calmly and clearly...say you outlined how things were going to go and repeat what the consequences were.
You are not there to raise your husbands child. You have no legal rights to this child and no legal responsibilities. Put the raising back in the hands of his parents. This sounds harsh but I really encourage you to give it a try, it makes my life easier, my husband and my SS both respect me more than when I was a ranting lunatic and my husband values my opinion about ADHD because it is clear that I am not trying to drive a wedge, I am actually encouraging him to be a parent to his child and trying to give him that opportunity. ADHD can also cause the other children in the house to take second seat...that's not fair and this way my child gets love and attention as well. The poster that said do not compare the children is right, but in a mom/stepmoms heart, there is a difference.....don't feel bad about it, just do your best to love your stepchild. I also would suggest that you check out a great forum called steptogether.com...it has wonderful resources about disengaging and it is a wonderful support for steps....supportive!
Good luck. Keep your side of the street clean. Set you boundaries. Be strong. Things will work out for the best, whatever that turns out to be. You are not a prisoner in your own home and you are not at everyone's beck and call, you deserve respect. Don't walk on eggshells and put the responsibility for this child back in the hands of his parents. I hope you find more support than some people have been able to offer.
[/QUOTE] Leigh, I've been reading all the responses to your original post some positive some not. What actually sticks in my mind is that you are pregnant and causing yourself a lot of stress. Not to mention a step child w/ ADHD and a husband who is'nt so supportive.my concern is the new baby, maybe you've heard this: expectant mom's w/ elevated stress levels are responsible for 22% of ADHD symptoms and a small % of agggressive behavior and anxiety in children.I was under a great deal of stress during my pregnancy w/ my now 7 year old who has been diagnosed ADHD/ODD.RELAX these last few weeks may have a huge impact on your new baby.good luck!mom's w/ elevated stress levels are responsible for 22% of ADHD symptoms and a small % of agggressive behavior and anxiety in children.
There is no conclusive data to support your statement and to date medical science is still in the theory stage in terms of the causes of ADHD. Stress is not good for any pregnant Mom for many reasons. There is no factual evidence to substantiate your claim and and a pregnant mom should not have additional worry now thinking that stress may be responsible for her newborn exibiting ADHD symptoms, aggression or anxiety. Again, stress is unhealthy for any pregnant mom and fetus but point is well taken is terms of alleivating some of the stress, especially in the third trimester.
YOU ARE RIGHT.........i was only voicing concern not meaning to cause more worryYOU ARE RIGHT.........i was only voicing concern not meaning to cause more worry
Point well taken
Rae
I only joined this site a few weeks ago and your posts jumped out straight away as being extremely true/honest/from the heart/experienced, yes some were critical but they were done in an honest way, but the best of it all is your sense of humour. Keep hold of that, i like your honesty.
Leigh
I can understand why you felt you were being criticised, but take it as good advice. None of us are experts but we are willing to talk about our problems and sometimes get blasted from our friends on here if they dont agree.
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Thanks for that - I appreciate your compliment - Cheers!!! 
CHUCLKLES.....
I can not thank you enough!! Before I took the "STEP-BACK" approch, I was fighting a never ending and uphill battle that was destined for divorce. Even the first few days of shucking my step-sons responsibilities were ruff, but now....we are getting our routine down quite nicely. I thought at first that by not having any responsibility for my step son would mean that I was giving up on him, but it's not like that at all ( and it's not as difficult as I thought either!) There are still times that I will go into the bathroom and scream into a towel, I do admitt that, but I'm sure that comes with children, ADHD or not. I just take myself (and my son, if applicable) into another room when he starts his little antics, if his father wants to address it okay, if not so be it. Most of the time my husband handles things quite grand. The only time I step in now is when I am called upon. Like tonight for example.....My step-son was challanging my husband on everything about his homework, it was so sloppy you couldn't read it and if you could it was spelled wrong, he said he didn't care that he would probably at least get a 2 out of 5. My husband said that wasn't good enough. He was getting up when told to sit, blowing his nose fifty thousand times, kicking the chair, crying because it was getting late and he wanted to play, whinning because he kept having to do things over instead of taking his time.....the list goes on. My husband came to me and asked very nicely if I would please take over before he TOTALLY lost it. I went out there and told my step son that when he was done crying and could concentrate on his school work to call for me, that I didn't care how long he sat at the table I wasn't going to help him when he was upset and not listening. I was very polite but very frank, then I turned away without listening to his reply (he has to have the last word ALL the time). When he finally called for me it took us less than ten minutes to do what he had to do.
It's not that I don't care about him, I just care differently now....if that makes any sense. I care for him in a "love" way, that will never change. But I don't care so much about the little things that it makes life difficult for both of us. I let his dad worry about the little things. I still worry about the big things, he's not going to do dangerous or improper things, and he will respect me as an adult in this house, but I'll bite my lip til it bleeds over the little things. With three weeks left to go before I drop this baby like a 50 pound bowling ball, the pleasantness in this household could not have come at a better time. He is very excited about the baby coming and is getting along much better with his brother.
I am glad that things are turning around for me (patting myself on the back) but my husband is doing a great job too. I am most excited to be sharing my positive outcomings on this site. I wish that there had been something like this for me to read when I sought out this site. Okay, maybe not so lengthy, but something on this topic. I am glad that it is here so that others may take whatever advice they think may work for them, especially if they are not quite so brave to make a post and fear the rath of other members!! (I'm not naming any names Rae!! haha ;)
Yeah Leigh33! I am so glad that things are getting better. It makes me so sad to hear that folks are contemplating divorce over step issues. Unfortunately the statistics for blended families and second marriages are even worse than first marriages. I am super excited to hear that your husband has stepped up to the plate, it sounds like he is really trying and that is alleviating some of your stress....wonderful! It is a long road, but it is a long road for anything when you are trying to make broad sweeping changes. Some days I take about 2 steps forward and then fifteen back the next day...it is a never-ending process when you are trying to make big personal changes. You are doing a great job and I am so glad to hear that you and your SS are getting along better....what a great outcome and in such a short time. Steps should really learn right off the bat when it is time to step their little tushies right out of the situation before it gets worse. Good for you!! Well done! This is a good report, Leigh. Glad to hear things are better.Some people seem to make a lot of assumptions about people they don't even know!
Some posts are written when people are feeling a whole range of emotions and this is reflected in their message.
Can't we all assume that everyone here is looking for help/guidance/support and are doing what they think is best, right or wrong?
I am all for honesty when trying to help someone, but integrity seems to be lacking at times. Let's stick to the point, try not to judge and do your best to help people through your own experiences.
There are some valid points on this thread but they could have been written with more tact, the sledgehammer approach is not always necessary.
With that said, I am like Nicky and still with the father of my children whom I love deeply. We have major divisiveness regarding our son!! We have been working at it since the day he was born (9 years) and have come a long way but still have a journey ahead of us. Marriage is hard work indeed and something that needs constant attention and compromise from both spouses but it's worth the effort!
Myboyisspecial - total agreement from me. Isn't it odd how, just when we need support most from others, we argue instead? I guess it's the stress. Solidarity!
Dear me! Hornet's nest there.
No, I'm not a step-parent, I'm lucky enough to be with the father of my children. But divisiveness happens here too. Disagreements between parents aren't the preserve of step-families.
I also don't think it's possible for any of us to be entirely objective here as we are always caught up on the hook of our emotions, values etc. I'm not saying we should consider the parents' relationship to the exclusion of the children, nor vice-versa. I don't think this can be a win-win situation unless you're very lucky indeed.
[QUOTE=leigh33]He lays NONE of the blame of this situation on his son, and he's the one that has the disorder.
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i don't know how to help you but my father always said,
"i know you have ADHD but it is NOT an excuse
Here is my insight:
1. you said your 4 year old is perfect and is better than the 8 year old...that is one problem I'm sure you always let him know how much better the 4yo is...negative attention can be better than no attention at all
2. the kid goes back and forth between homes where in one his stepmother is constantly on him of course he's acting out
3. you married a man with a child you knew the problems with this child before you got married even if he's not biologically yours it is your responsibility to care for him and ABOUT him and allow him in your home and heart unconditionally
4. Instead of constantly looking at his negative behaviors find the good and go with that....let him know what you find good about him
I personally think if it was your biological son you'd be much more lenient and understanding. ADHD is an illness that this child cannot help he needs love/understanding and a stable family unit to support him. He doesn't need fighting and being made to feel as if he's the cause of everyones problems since he is not it is how you relate to it and accept it.
He is, rightly, going to pick his child over you. You must have known he had a difficult child when you married him, and he wasn't going to go away. I do feel the child is your responsibiity as the stepparent. I don't know how involved the mother is, but, if she isn't, you are actually his parent. You can't marry somebody and be seperate from the child. On the other hand, your hub doesn't sound too nice, but I'm not hearing his side of the story. If you want to help your stepson then encourage your hub to get him re-evaluated. He isnt' a "bad" kid---he's a child with a disorder. He needs compassion, not condemnation.Parenting is hard - step-parenting is UNBELIEVELABLY HARD!!!! No-one who is not a step - parent can imagine what an incredible challenge it is. I've been a stepmom for 8 years now and it never gets any easier! Most stepmoms fall into the common trap of going way overboard, giving up their job, devoting a lot of time to the step children and then resentment sets in.....I did all this, and it really isn't the child's fault, the problem, as you've discovered, is the communication with the biological parent. My husband never raises his voice to my teenage stepsons, EVER, yet our five yr old can't breath noisily without getting an earful! The big STEP-BACK is huge and i'm glad you've got to that point, sooner than I did actually!! I was tired of doing what seemed like ALL the parenting and decided to just stop. No more. That's it. I finally put my money where my mouth is. Forced their dad's hand. The children responded BIG TIME. Now they appreciate what I do for them. We do things together because they CHOOSE to be with me and hang out. Its wonderful! People who are not step-parents cannot imagine how hard it is to go for years working sooo hard for your stepkids and longing for the hug that never comes. It's such a tough thankless job and it's up to your hubby to step up to the plate. It's his job to make sure his son is taken care of, taken to school etc. You'll get no thanks for it, love, trust me, don't be the unpaid housekeeper like I was.
i have three lovely children 2 from a 1st marriage,and dillon from my marriage now. if you were to ask my husband how many children he has his answer would be 3.he treats all of them the same(and my 17 yr old drives him crazy)but never has he ever said their not mine.if he ever did i would be done.i truly feel for your step-son it must be total hell for him to know that you don 't except him as your owe.you really need to treat him the same as you treat your perfect little 4 you old. just want to let you know that if you divorce i'm sure your 4 yr old will have a step mom oneday and i pray she doesn't feel the way you do towards your step-son.